Significant Day-Update

[JJacks0]

I posted a thread a couple days ago in preparation for today. Today is the 1 year anniversary of my ex's mother's passing. Today I broke NC after 2 weeks by sending her a card/something small I had gotten for her (with this day in mind) months ago, while we were still "on".

Now that it's done I'm kind of terrified that it will not be well received. I went back and forth as to whether or not I should do it - to the point that I went in and out of the shipping store twice trying to make up my mind. But ultimately I realized that not doing it would leave more lingering questions in my mind than just doing it. It is, after all, what I intended to do with the gift when I bought it. So I think she should have it - if she doesn't want it, that's her decision to make. She doesn't have to keep it, she doesn't even have to acknowledge it. At least now though, I won't have so many "what ifs" to mull over.

When I woke up this morning I saw on Facebook that her whole family is renting an SUV and going on a small trip to a special place her mother loved and always wanted to take us to. While I'm happy for them that they're celebrating her life this way together, I'm grieving alone today and wishing that I were part of their adventure. So this has been a rather rough morning for me. Feeling both depressed and angry with myself for allowing this to happen (still can't quite maneuver myself past that guilt yet). If I had been a more attentive partner to her in the months after her mother's passing, rather than just during her illness/death, I could be with them right now. I would still have my ex, she would still value and love me. I even felt that I was gone too much at the time, but getting out was one of the only things that made me feel sane and okay. I was trying to save myself because I couldn't help her if I was as depressed as she was. I type these things over and over trying to make myself feel better but it never really works. I still feel like a bad girlfriend who invested years into this r/s, sacrificed myself for, only to bail at the end, at the worst possible time... .and then try to backpedal and get her back.  But it looks like she isn't coming back this time.

So these are my obsessive thoughts this morning. Thinking about her mom, how my r/s with my ex a year ago today was so much better... .how I could have saved it but didn't, and how I let her down and have to pay for it. I know this is all pretty negative and counter-productive, but if I'm being honest it's just where I'm at today.

Hoping to find a good distraction so the day flies by and is over with.

[gotbushels]

JJacks0 it seems like you were really anxious about contacting her. I think you bought her a gift as well. I would be anxious too if I was expecting a response from her.

Seeing an ex's family have some sort of a trip that may include you would make anyone feel sad. This is especially real shortly after a separation. From time to time it's sometimes normal for a non to feel at some kind of loss like this in the mornings.

Yes, if you were more attentive at some time, perhaps you might still be with her. I encourage you to remember that your relationship wasn't always happy times, can you recall the difficult times? 

[JJacks0]

Update:

She text me back a few days after I messaged her on her mom's anniversary.
It said, "Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner but it meant a lot to me. You're the only person I just needed to hear from. Really thank you." She also thanked me for the small gift I mailed her.

I said, "Of course. I thought about you guys all day."

I was hesitant to say any more, as people have told me that showing that I miss her will likely push her further away. I keep reminding myself that she has deleted all evidence of me on FB and this really could be nothing more than a thank you. There was no additional "how are you" or effort to continue the conversation. And the fact that she sent a message rather than calling is also telling that she wanted to be polite but keep it short. So as much as I'd love to think that this is the beginning of some sort of communication, I really have no idea what would make us speak next. The anniversary was one thing, but I'm not sure we have another reason to make contact for quite a while. But I should probably leave the ball in her court, right?

I was so tempted to say more, but really didn't want to risk her thinking that my initial reason for contacting her wasn't genuine. I don't want her to think that I only reached out to try to regain control... .and I think that she may well assume that if I pushed it and tried to keep talking. I guess this way, her most recent association with me will be a positive one at least. I just want to talk to her so badly. The thought of having to go NC again is so painful. It felt so good to hear from her, as short and brief as it was.