She told me that I need to stop thinking everyone has a personality disorder

[Herodias]

Not having a great day... .I had someone yell at me today that I should be over this and I need to stop thinking about it. I told her I was not comfortable dating, that I don't feel able to trust anyone. She told me that I need to stop thinking everyone has a personality disorder and if I can't see when someone may be interested in me  and say something to put them off, then I am not as smart as she thought I was! I swear she actually said I am dumber than she thought I was... .but since I don't remember exactly I am not going to tell you that for sure... .but anyway, it was an awful thing to say. I think this person is narcissistic for many reason... .I think I need to just let her talk about her self  like she likes to do and never talk about me. She is a good client for me to have, but I really see her problem now that she yelled at me. It was angrier than I have ever seen and inappropriate I thought. I should have seen this sooner. She told me that she was in an abusive marriage and it took her 2 years of therapy to get over it... .She said I have to stop thinking about all of this, stop reading about it and move on... .I am kind of overwhelmed with wanting to cry and then thinking she is right, but I know how I feel. I don't feel ready... .She said I am making excuses. I don't know for sure that the person that asked me if I was dating meant he wanted to go out with me and I blew it... .I am really confused. Then I ended up looking at my exes Facebook today and I see he is making "friends" with  woman that are strippers and women that expose themselves and I immediately knew he was already seeking out sex with other women (having seen this behavior before and now know what he was doing)... .somehow this made me feel better which I know sounds strange, but it made me feel that this proves it's him not me... .even though he said I was the reason he did all the cheating, I was too old for him... .so now he has this younger woman and he is doing the same thing. It made me feel better- I know kinda sick, but I am grabbing at straws  today.  I went out last night and had a great time at another concert, very tired today though. I talked with a very nice guy last night... .he was married though, but I think there are nice people out there. I think I will meet someone when it's supposed to happen. I think I need to be myself and I am an open person and if that turns them off then so be it. I can't pretend to be some quiet reserved person if I am not. I do want people to stop projecting what they think I think on me though... .I wish the other day when this women told someone "what I thought", I would have said, No- I did not think that! That is something to work on... .But I don't understand how it affects this client that I am having trouble moving past all of the abuse... .Maybe she was physically abusive and not mentally. Maybe she doesn't really understand... .even though she claims she was a therapist at one time... .am I taking too long? I just got divorced in June! I realize this has been going on since Jan. of 2015, but I also didn't realize it was really over in my head until August of last year... .I can't really tell people that, because I sound ridiculous to have though I would get back together with him... .It's just how messed up I was... .So what do you all think about this? Am I making things worse on myself by not trusting and not feeling ready to date or is this normal in these cases? She said he wins if I don't move on... .what does he win? We were together 9 years... .I think he lost.

[ArleighBurke]

I can't imagine what it would feel like to separate after 9 years. But i'm pretty sure that you would not "be over it" within 6 months... .

You need to work at your own pace. If you are not ready to date - then don't! That is 100% your call. Most things I've read say it's very important to stay single for a long time after separating - to truely find yourself again. Otherwise you'll end up going back to what you know - what is comfortable - which is a bad relationship.

How do people keep talking to you about this? Do YOU keep talking about it - which drives the conversation? Perhaps it's good to come up with a single line to say when people talk about it. Even as simple as "I want time to find me, before I share me with others" or even just "I'm not ready to date yet".

[Herodias]

Sometimes I will just be talking about my week and tell them whats happened... .some people tell me I am not ready... .this one though, she thinks I should be ready. I think it may have something to do with her wanting to date... .she lost her husband a year ago. I am talking about my ex less and less... .people should notice this. If they bring it up, I just say that there is still no court date set for his suing me. A few people I tell what really goes on in my head because they get it. I just think there are some people you just have to change the whole approach. I think with her, I didn't even bring up my ex because she doesn't want to hear his name as she told me! But the fact that I said I wasn't sure I was ready to date, had her seeing lingering effects on him and that made her angry. I am still amazed that she yelled at me like that.

[Herodias]

Through Facebook, I can see that my ex is currently friending women who are strippers and who expose themselves... .Because I am not blind to what he does and how into porn and sex he is... .I know he has started up already... .even though he claimed I was the "reason he was doing those things"... .It actually makes me feel better that I see his "younger" gf  can't satisfy already  - way sooner than it happened with me. I knew this would happen when his baby arrived... He will use that as his excuse. No matter what, my ex is not satisfied... .He doesn't like himself- he told me that.  This shows me they do not change... .People do not change unless they make a huge effort, particularly when they have a mental disorder.

[HopefulDad]

I strongly recommend watching Dr. Brene Brown's TED Talk videos on YouTube on vulnerability and shame.  One of the takeaways is to be wary about with whom you share your vulnerability and shame.  Some people who lack empathy will beat you over the head with it.  Sharing your vulnerability and shame with someone can be a deeply bonding experience and should not be wasted on such people.

This person who did this to you is one of such people.  Sorry to hear it happened to you during this time you're figuring things out.

[Grey Kitty]

My first reaction upon reading what you heard from this person was "WOW! Could she be more invalidating if she tried to!"

She basically told you that all your feelings were wrong, and listed them.

    Your feelings are real, and they are exactly what they should be.

And your feelings are going to be hurt and angry if you spend much more time talking with this person about things like this. Your idea of letting her talk about herself is an excellent one!

You will be ready to date when you are ready to date, and there's nothing wrong with delaying a bit longer. Especially if you are healing--The healthier you are, the more you will be attracted to healthy guys.

[Herodias]

Thank you Grey Kitty... .That's what I thought. I am going to try and let her focus on her - where she is more comfortable anyway,

[hergestridge]

Not having a great day... .I had someone yell at me today that I should be over this and I need to stop thinking about it. I told her I was not comfortable dating, that I don't feel able to trust anyone. She told me that I need to stop thinking everyone has a personality disorder and if I can't see when someone may be interested in me  and say something to put them off, then I am not as smart as she thought I was! I swear she actually said I am dumber than she thought I was... .but since I don't remember exactly I am not going to tell you that for sure... .but anyway, it was an awful thing to say. I think this person is narcissistic for many reason... .

Noone should be yelled at, so have reasons to be upset. And of course you can only tell yourself when you're ready. But having a BPDex has one big misdvatange. We tend not to do judge people by their actions. Instead we think we can tell *what* they are. It's the kind of thinking that got us (or at least me) in this mess. There are many bumps in the road getting to know someone. You will never get past that if you're looking for "red flags" or various PDs. Instead, ask yourself if you enjoy the person's company or not. That's all you need. From most of stories I've read about our BPDexes, there were really unpleasant things there already from the start that we looked past for all kinds of reason. Keep your eyes wide open, be honest with yourself and how you feel.

So perhaps there is a grain of truth to the things you had yelled at you? I know I was stuck there, seeing an undiagnosed pwPD wherever I went it lead me to a very lonely Place. Eventually I met a girl and fell in love. She is different, difficult but there is no PD. She has quirks, but she has control of her own life. pwBPD don't have control of their lives. She has a go at me and sometimes she's unfair, but she can reason about it and she says I'm sorry. Two years ago I would have labeled her BPD more or less because she gets angry when I don't expect it.

And - this I say with a gleam in the Eye - do you realize that a person accused to you labeling everyong with PDs and you respond by labeling her a narcisist?  Not that it can't be true but I thought it was funny.

[Herodias]

"And - this I say with a gleam in the Eye - do you realize that a person accused to you labeling everyong with PDs and you respond by labeling her a narcisist? wink Not that it can't be true but I thought it was funny."

That is funny!   She really, really is though... .and not necessarily in a personality disorder way, but definitely in a "Look at how wonderful I am" way...   She is always looking for compliments! I will let her talk about herself. She makes me walk her to her car and help her in and set the seat belt up for her too... .nobody else asks me to do that. She has been kind to me as well... .so it's not all bad. She has given me gifts... .she can be nice. She claimed to have been a therapist at one time, so that's why I can't figure out why she would yell at me like that... .really raging. Anyway... .I don't think I am wrong thinking she is self absorbed... .lots of people in town, including her friends think so too. They actually tell me stories... .so, it's not just me... .anyway... .It is funny how I wrote both those comments in one paragraph, I agree!

[once removed]

it is possible that youre both right.

She told me that I need to stop thinking everyone has a personality disorder

I think this person is narcissistic for many reason... . 

it is also for you to judge whether youre ready to date or not, not her. she was definitely a jerk about it. some people get back into the dating game sooner, and for some people thats just fine. many of those people tend to believe its what others should do. we all have that bias but it ought not to emerge in the form of invalidating others.

Then I ended up looking at my exes Facebook today

it made me feel that this proves it's him not me

this reveals that your focus is on him and not you. its difficult to trust and be vulnerable from that place let alone be ready to date. you seem to be relying on this and it sounds like its keeping you stuck. the hard truth is that it was both of you, and your part is fully within your power to build on and build healthier relationships of all kinds. that will begin to happen as you shift your focus.

She said he wins if I don't move on... .what does he win? We were together 9 years... .I think he lost.

neither one of your successes or failures has any bearing on each other. its not a contest. do you.

[Skip]

it made me feel that this proves it's him not me

There comes a time in the healing process of those of us that go in to thrive after these relationships that we realize it is us. It is us that were attracted to a difficult person. It is us that was a 50% partner is a messy immature relationship. It is us who were dis-proportionally devastated by the relationship loss. It is us who took the same emotional immaturity (I say this in overly broad terms) out to out post relationship healing and sometimes into the next relationship.

Thrivor's eventually get this wake-up call... .
         ... .and embrace it rather than pretend its not there (like we pretended the relationship red flags were not there)

Is this the wakeup call for you? Are you ready to take your work here to the next level?

This is the most critical fork in the road facing you.

You know your friend is right.

Yes. Maybe she is a narcissistic. Maybe she doesn't eat healthy or call her mom enough.

Still, you know your friend is right.

It's uncomfortable. She is telling you that you had a real role in what pains you now and to see it, change it, grow.

Sure, she may be narcissistic and you can use this to invalidate her advise and avoid any discomfort. You can do that.

What really matter's is are you ready to take your work here to the next level? Developing greater self-awareness. Helping others develop their self-awareness?

The great blue heron (Ardea herodias) is a strong solitary self-sufficient self-aware creature.

[Herodias]

Thanks Skip... .I actually saw her today. She thinks I am totally different. She said I seem happier and on a much better path... .I don't talk about my ex as much as I did. I also realize more about his disorder than I ever did. I realize why I was so easily swept into the situation at the time and it was my lack of self esteem that kept me there. I am doing much better, thank you. Sometimes I take a few steps forward and a step back... .then sometimes I take one step forward and several back. I think it's normal in abusive situations for as long as I was in it to untangle the mess I was in. I don't think I will ever feel sorry for him, since I realize he was more than BPD now... .but I need to be strong so that I never let my guard down with him. I also don't expect to ever get intertwined with someone like this again... .I am still working on trust issues and I hope I feel "normal" again one day, but I will always have the knowledge of what I have learned about people and myself for the rest of my life. This is a good thing. I appreciate everyone here that has helped me through my separation and divorce... .I am moving forward, but please forgive my occasional setback. I am doing the best that I can... .Sometimes I am still angry that he "had a plan for me" and that I didn't pay attention. I have learned my lesson very well.

[fromheeltoheal]

I realize why I was so easily swept into the situation at the time and it was my lack of self esteem that kept me there. I am doing much better, thank you.

That's really cool Hero.  So what changed, what did you do differently, or believe differently, that caused your level of self esteem to change?

BTW, esteem is respect and admiration, so self esteem is respect and admiration for yourself, ain't that cool?

Sometimes I take a few steps forward and a step back... .then sometimes I take one step forward and several back. I think it's normal in abusive situations for as long as I was in it to untangle the mess I was in.

Yes it is, anger, depression, bargaining, denial, whatever shows up for you as you work through and process the emotions.  And eventually acceptance; are you getting close?  And two steps forward and one back is still one step forward yes, and on those occasions where we take three steps back it's helpful to have a goal, a compelling vision for our bright future, so we have something to aim for as we climb back out of the muck, and don't spend time spinning around going nowhere.  We've all done enough of that.  What does your bright future look like Hero?

Hey, have you looked at the stages of detachment lately?  Where do you think you are?  What will it take to get to the next stage?

[Herodias]

I think realizing that I was previously in a loveless relationship with a drug addict  and on the rebound when I met him. I never worked on myself... .just went about dating with out a really thinking. He love-bombed me big time... .I was so caught up in the romance because I didn't have that previously. I think this is his schtick... .I think all of the things I have read and heard lectures on self esteem and respect have helped... .I have been working on my photography more, which makes me feel better. Also, writing out my "story" with him has forced me to see it more clearly ,not just focused on the fantasy part in my head. I am glad I am away from him... .He is very scary and unpredictable.  I still have a bit of a PTSD at times... .I realize that is normal. I have completely lost my attraction to him or anything to do with him.
      I suppose if this law suit he created against me was over, I would have a bit more peace... .I am trying to just let things slide as long as nothing is happening as my lawyer suggests. I just don't like having to have a lawyer on retainer for him to play games with me when he feels like it. That's a big part of it. I know he hasn't changed and that I didn't have anything to do with his behavior now that I have read HG Tudors books. The Gas-lighting and projection were his way of making me feel that it was all my fault.  My fault was pursuing him in the first place and not looking out for myself. Not leaving someone who lied to me right off the bat... .feeling sorry for him. Certainly for letting myself be abused and taken advantage of. His Mother told me he was using me towards the end. That really hurts.
     I have a whole new way of looking at relationships. I have to be very careful who I feel sorry for. I keep busy through work, writing and photography. I see my family too... .I'm allot better than I was... .a year ago and certainly two years ago when I was with him. People had told me they were afraid I was going to end up dead. I actually had let a few people know to look out for me if something happened and to look to him! I had this whole crazy attitude of "oh well, you have to die somehow!" (I actually told my Mother that years ago when I was with him)  I read that some  people in abusive relationships felt that way too... .I don't feel that way anymore. No one should put up with any verbal or physical abuse, fowl language and certainly death threats from a partner.  I guess time does help and working on your own thought process. It's been a work in progress, but I am getting there, Thanks... .

[Skip]

Not having a great day... .I had someone yell at me today that I should be over this and I need to stop thinking about it. I told her I was not comfortable dating, that I don't feel able to trust anyone. She told me that I need to stop thinking everyone has a personality disorder and if I can't see when someone may be interested in me  and say something to put them off, then I am not as smart as she thought I was! I swear she actually said I am dumber than she thought I was... .

She said he wins if I don't move on... .what does he win? We were together 9 years... .I think he lost.

Infidelity is extremely violating thing to deal with. Add to that, serial adultery, younger woman, and a baby, and all visible on social media has to be one of the most hurtful things that can happen in any relationship - wound as deep or deeper than physical wounds. I also read about the fights you had and how far they escalated.  I'm very sorry for what you have been through.

Going back to your friend (mentioned above)... .do you think she might have been saying that you are losing perspective in your understanding human nature and presence of sociopathology in your life and the people around you (like here)?

HG Tudor is pretty dark, "cult-like" reading material. Many consider his work an effort to normalize his own sociopathic thoughts (I'm not unique, there are many like me, we are everywhere). In any case, BPD recovery and divorce recovery doesn't typically go down this path.  A focus like this can be to avoid facing hard truths. In your relationship, there is no shortage of very hard truths.

What do you think? Our you leaning to hard in that direction of cult-material and possibly not wanting to face some things?