You aren't responsible for someone else's feelings. A child for a parent, never

[drained1996]

This quote came from Turkish... .and it rang a bell for me.

"You aren't responsible for someone else's feelings.  A child for a parent,  never,  ever."

I've been the one held responsible for my mother's feelings since I can remember.  If she was off, it was my fault.  If they were fine... .I certainly never got that credit.   But somehow I'm the black sheep of the family... .I'm guessing because I stuck up for myself a lot starting at an age I cannot even remember.  I know it continued through my teenage years and even up until now.  Realizing this simple fact has released me... .I'm done.  I'll say what I have to say, but ultimately, my family is no longer my family, and I'm ok with that fact. Sad but true. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY DRAINED66:   

I'm so sorry about your situation.  It is sad, especially when we see others who have normal relationships within their family. 

It must have been hard for you, being the black sheep at an early age.  I've been painted black, by my uBPD sister.  Our parents recently passed, and my sister emerged with BPD traits, when our parent's health began to fail.  Getting therapy, and participating here, has helped me gain an understanding of my sister's behavior and to piece together the overall family dysfunction.

 

My family is no longer my family, and I'm ok with that fact. Sad but true.

Are you currently NC with your entire family?  Have you been able to substitute others to fill what might be a need for family?

[drained1996]

Nibbler,

I still have contact with my family, though with my sisters it's been minimal since my father's passing last year.  They don't see my mother as mentally diminished in any way (denial), and don't want to deal with her, nor do they want my input or suggestions.  Denial and selfish acts are their favorite tools, mother taught them well.   
I actually visited my mother yesterday and had some discussions about our own relationship, and what her plans were for her future ie moving to a retirement community etc.  We talked a good bit about our relationship and I didn't hold back how I felt.  I've thought for a while now she has always suffered from a PD, and yesterday pretty much sealed that thought for me.  It reminded me of interactions with my exBPD's to the T!  Circular conversation, revisiting already discussed and put to bed topics, and of course, zero desire to take any blame and in fact redirecting it all on me.  It was all about her and how she felt... .
It was just coincidence that I saw Turkish's words yesterday and it hit home.  I've always been responsible for how she feels, and my whole family allowed that to happen.  I now see somewhere as a child I got tired of the responsibility and walking on eggshells all the time... .thus I would cry out for help by sticking up for myself... .and nobody was there to hear.  Not then... .and not now... .it's always been about her.
I've radically accepted who each of my family members are/were, and I also understand the role I played in the dysfunction.  I have not cut anyone off, though I think the future may see that in some way shape or form.  But I'm making no decisions now.  My only care (odd enough) is that my mother is in as safe an environment as she can be at this stage of her life... .even that's going to be a fight.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

My only care (odd enough) is that my mother is in as safe an environment as she can be at this stage of her life... .even that's going to be a fight. 

I'm sorry your mom doesn't appreciate you.  It is admirable that you are concerned for her welfare.  Likely you won't have any regrets, after she passes (in that you did your best to help her, regardless of how badly she treated you). 

My dad had gotten to the point of having too many falls.  He wouldn't have gone willing to an assisted living situation (nor would he want anyone, other than family giving him in-home assistance).  He had one last fall, broke his neck and passed within 2 weeks of the fall.  It may sound odd, but I'd have to say that he would have rather broken his neck and died, than to have to leave his home and go to an assisted living situation.  I guess he had it his way.

At some point, you might want to inquire with your mom about paperwork for medical and financial Power of attorneys .  It's one of those things that you are glad they were prepared when you need them.  I experienced the worst case situation.  We had both parents in the hospital at the same time and had to use medical POA's for both parents at the same time.

Unfortunately, caring for aging parents can be a challenge, even if they don't have a disorder.  Throw in a disorder and you can have a double challenge.  Add a BPD sibling in the mix and there can be a triple  challenge.

I wish you the best. 

[drained1996]

Thanks Nibbler,

My oldest sister has the medical and financial POA's.  Like you I may very well simply have to accept my mother's decision to stay unsafely at home by herself.  I cannot help one who does not want help. 

[Notwendy]

When I speak to my elderly mother, she unloads all her medical issues and feelings. It's not easy to listen to what appears to be her suffering. When siblings call, all is fine with her. I'm her black child too so I don't know if this is just how she sees my role. I know that all of us kids and my father were made responsible for her feelings growing up.

It is hard to watch my mother, alone, face the consequences of her own behavior. Her FOO, who sing her praises to me and have blamed me for the issues between us, are virtually hardly around her, even though they live closer to her than I am. She relies on paid help ( she is elderly ) and they seem less than adequate to her.

Although there are alternatives- retirement communities with assisted living- and she can afford them, she ( and my father ) have rejected all of them.

I have come to accept that she prefers it this way. Being in a community might mean someone catches on to her. With paid help, she can do what she wants, she is the boss, they do what they say. This is how things worked when we were around. Mother did what she wanted and we were expected to comply. If she lives in a community, there are rules, other people to contend with. As it typical with BPD, she is able to have a calmer relationship with people she isn't close to, rather than her own family. In her domain, as it is, she is in control, as she likes it.

When my father was ailing, I naively tried to get my parents to move to where he could get better care, but they both refused. I wanted him to get better care, and to also be relieved from taking care of her needs. I also wanted her to be in a place where she would get care. But at the time, I was naive about BPD.

Your mother is responsible for her choices and her feelings. So is mine. We don't have to fix their situation and if we try, it may not be the best thing for us. Naturally, if my mother was not able to live on her own, I feel I would want to help in some way- help move her, get her medical care, but I don't have to be her emotional caregiver. You don't have to be one either 

[drained1996]

Thanks for the reply Notwendy,

While sad, it's comforting to know others share the same struggles.  When speaking with my mother the other day, I looked her in the eye, and asked if she would be ok with someone simply coming by to check on her.  That it would be for her children's own comfort to know she was physically checked upon.  With a cold face she said NO. 
I had no expectations going in, but that hurt a little.
As for being her emotional caretaker, I abandoned that post as a child hence I'm the blacksheep.  I'm more interested in discussing with her our relationship problems so that I don't regret missing that opportunity before she is gone.  I'm actually causing emotional distress for her by discussing things... .and I don't care... .it's about ME now.  She can either take this opportunity to try to make things right... .or not... .either way I'll be ok, because I'm going to say what I have to say. 

[Notwendy]

Do what you feel is best for you.

I so wanted some validation from my father before he passed away, but he was angry at me and chose to remain that way, despite my attempts to speak to him. To speak my truth, to make repair in our relationship.  But he didn't hear me, or if he did, he chose to not acknowledge it. This was very sad for me, but it was either his choice, or he was too sick to choose. I won't know. I do know that for me, I tried, and that gives me comfort. You do what you need to do regardless of your mothers choices.

I don't know about your mother, but speaking frankly to mine doesn't work. Her mind blocks out anything that is uncomfortable to her and she will dysregulate.  Once she does, it is almost as if she needs an exorcism. Her face changes, and she begins raging, saying really hurtful things. Then, when she is done, it is almost as if someone has pushed a reset button and erased the episode. It never happened as far as she is concerned.

Talking to her about past hurts, or things she did that bothered me will either start this, or she has no recollection of it. I don't hope for closure, or an apology. I deal with her moment to moment. If she pushes my boundaries, then I respond by upholding the boundary. I try to be as authentic as I can with her, which isn't always as feasible as I would like. However, the chances that she would be capable of repairing past issues seems slim to me.

All people with BPD are different. If it works with your mother, great, but also understand that the nature of BPD makes this difficult for them.

[drained1996]

Thanks NotWendy for sharing,

Like your mother mine will dysregulate, but will simply shut down.  She will sit and listen uncomfortably, which is fine with me.  She can take and do whatever she wants with what I've said, and what little about it I have left to say.  That's her issue, it has done me some good to get out what I have, and there is only a little left to confront.  I had my peace with my dad before he passed, and I feel very good about that.  I think I'll feel the same about my mother... .I certainly have no expectations on her response/reaction.