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Author Topic: How to stop the name calling  (Read 383 times)
Cloudy Days
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« on: August 16, 2016, 03:08:31 PM »

My husband hasn't been 100% great but he's been better than in the past. One thing I am struggling with is name calling. He does it constantly and I haven't been able to get across to him that It's not OK without getting into a huge fight over it.

He has many names to call me, stupid or idiot or anything even close to the meaning, fat and all of the names that go with that, he has a whole dictionary of names. He will use them jokingly and playfully or even when he is angry. My point is I don't think it is playful or a joke. I don't like it anytime that he does it. I've asked him to stop, there have been many times that I have pointed out that him calling me a name was disrespectful and it wasn't even needed to get his point across. I am at a loss because he doesn't seem to care how it makes me feel, he just keeps doing it. I've tried everything I know and even gotten into arguments over it which turns into him being mean and I just regret saying anything.

I get that when he is angry and he calls me a name that it is abusive and I need to walk away. What about when he acts like it is playful? During regular conversation he will throw in something and if I point it out that he called me a name and I don't like it, it usually turns into more name calling because I am sticking up for myself.

Just today he was texting me and I didn't understand something he sent, he then called me Peanut which means my brain is the size of a peanut, that's his joke... .I have told him not to call me that repeatedly. I ended up calling him a name which was a mistake but I got an assault back from him through texting.

Obviously name calling wasn't the answer and I knew that, but what is the answer? I get so sick of being called names, It seems like he has started to do it more often than he used to so it's been something that has been bothering me a lot. I'm so frustrated with the double standards, I get called names constantly but I get my head bitten off if I call him a name, not that I actually want to but it happens.
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« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2016, 10:36:45 AM »

It seems like he has started to do it more often than he used to so it's been something that has been bothering me a lot.

it also sounds like youve raised the issue more frequently. i wonder if its more about getting a reaction out of you. time outs, walking away, ordinarily good moves, but have you tried doing the opposite, and practicing not reacting at all, as if you dont even notice? seems counterintuitive, and really challenging, but if hes not getting the reaction hes looking for, you may find the name calling lessens.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2016, 12:29:13 PM »

That's what I do 90% of the time, he's been different lately too. His mom even noticed it when she came over, he called me an idiot several times in front of her during regular discussion. She was not happy about it, she deals with the same stuff with her husband (husbands step dad). I don't know how many times someone can call you stupid and you just ignore it but at some point I am going to say something. The love of my life shouldn't be calling me names like this. It's detrimental to my emotional health on an everyday basis to be called stupid for stupid reasons. To be honest, it's usually because I can't understand something he is saying or explaining. He thinks he does nothing wrong so it couldn't be how he communicates with me, so it must be that I am too stupid to understand him. If I ask for clarification or if he doesn't explain something completely so I have to seek more information from him I get called stupid on a daily basis for things like this. It wears you down.
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« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2016, 12:49:10 PM »

That's what I do 90% of the time

getting a reaction out of you 10% of the time may be enough incentive to keep pushing.

The love of my life shouldn't be calling me names like this.

youre right.

He thinks he does nothing wrong so it couldn't be how he communicates with me, so it must be that I am too stupid to understand him.

thats pretty insightful of you, and pretty dead on. from that perspective, is it easier to take less personally?

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« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2016, 01:13:29 PM »

She tried the name calling in front of her kids my family and friends they reprimanded her. Oddly enough she never did it again
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2016, 01:59:05 PM »

So the only advice is to ignore it? I've ignored it this long, it is only now that he has amped up his name calling that I have started to say something. In the past he wouldn't do it every day, now it seems to be any time we have a long conversation about anything, it could be anything. I think a lot of it stems from his miscommunication with me.

Yesterday he was telling me he got a stain on his new old shirt. I asked what his new old shirt was and that's when I got called Peanut because I didn't understand his description. He expects me to read his mind and when I can't I am considered stupid.

I know that I am not stupid, my husband is the only person who has ever called me stupid. I guess I just wish he would hold me in a higher respect.  He's made comments to the same effect when someone else was praising my intelligence going as far as saying no she isn't. He doesn't feel that I am intelligent and that didn't used to be true. Maybe it makes him feel better if he feels he is smarter than me? Either way it feels crummy no matter when he says it.
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« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2016, 02:51:38 PM »

So the only advice is to ignore it?

not exactly. the advice is dont react to it. subtle/vague difference, i know. you can set a boundary around it. im not sure what it would look like. have you thought about it?

I know that I am not stupid

... .

Maybe it makes him feel better if he feels he is smarter than me?

yes, this is really about his inadequacy. it doesnt make it right, not in the slightest, but it can help take a lot of sting out of it. as you said, you know that you are not stupid. if a four year old told you you were stupid, you wouldnt think anything of it. in this case its your husband who is an adult, which obviously makes it much harder. but as you know, emotionally, he uses immature mechanisms that are about him and his inadequacy - not yours.
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« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2016, 08:39:45 PM »

I have a brother in law who used to do it to his wife (my sister in law) and me all the time, in private and in public.  So, once in public when he did that, I did not say anything to him.  I just turned to the other person present and said,  " I apologise on his behalf.  His mother did not raise him this way.  He is just uncouth and illmannered.  He has poor self-control and has the emotional IQ of a 7 year old school yard bully.  Please forgive him."

Needless to say, the entire room fell silent.

And he never did it to me ever again... .never in private either.

If he ever does it again, I will fight back the same way, sweetly, politely and very strongly.

It took me almost 20 years of dealing with him and crying in private to develop this level of strength... .so learning skills is a process.  Now that you have started this process in yourself, you will develop coping mechanisms.

How about something like, instead of telling him to stop, you just stop the interaction mid-term and say sweetly,  "I will talk to you when you are courteous".  No apology demands... .no demands from him to change his behavior.  Just say it once and stick to it, no matter how important the subject matter is.  He will text over and over and over and you just stay silent.  When he talks courteously to you, reply and when he does not, don't... .rather say, I will respond to your question when there are no insults present.  Or I will not speak to you as you are speaking discourteously.  He will try to take the discussion further, there will be further name calling... .that's when you physically walk away, leave the house if needed.  This is boundary enforcement... .you make a boundary for yourself as to what you will tolerate and what you will not, and you enforce it yourself too.  You have power only to change your behavior, not his.

Personal counseling always helps develop inner strength and one can learn a lot of strategies... .if possible, please consider it... .it helps clarify thoughts.
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« Reply #8 on: August 18, 2016, 01:07:15 AM »

My inability to read her mind causes a lot of conflict. After two years you still can't how my mind works? I never replied that is erratic, irrational and filled with double standards.
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