Should I speak to my mum about this?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone - if you've followed my story, you'll know I have a uBPDm and am marrying my partner in a few weeks. I think my mum is pissed off with my partner about something she said. It was just a slightly awkward joke (but that has caused HUGE rows with my mum before, [a] for the thing being said and because I didn't say to my mum then or privately that I thought it was unacceptable) and I don't want to go condemning my partner to my mum for it because of the can of worms I think it'll open. BUT we (me vs. my parents) had a big row 2 months ago and I'm scared of another one - the wedding is in just over 2 weeks and my partner is already stressed because her dad is terminally ill and can't fly out for the wedding. I don't want to make anything worse. My mum said last time that if I'd said to her that I'd spoken to my partner about what she'd said and said it was unacceptable, it would have been okay... .I don't believe her. She'd still have massively lost it. So, I don't know what to do. And I feel (inner child terms) scared, sick, small.

[anyplacesafe]

Hi everyone - if you've followed my story, you'll know I have a uBPDm and am marrying my partner in a few weeks. I think my mum is pissed off with my partner about something she said. It was just a slightly awkward joke (but that has caused HUGE rows with my mum before, [a] for the thing being said and because I didn't say to my mum then or privately that I thought it was unacceptable) and I don't want to go condemning my partner to my mum for it because of the can of worms I think it'll open. BUT we (me vs. my parents) had a big row 2 months ago and I'm scared of another one - the wedding is in just over 2 weeks and my partner is already stressed because her dad is terminally ill and can't fly out for the wedding. I don't want to make anything worse. My mum said last time that if I'd said to her that I'd spoken to my partner about what she'd said and said it was unacceptable, it would have been okay... .I don't believe her. She'd still have massively lost it. So, I don't know what to do. And I feel (inner child terms) scared, sick, small.

[Naughty Nibbler]

 

I can see how you would be really stressed, so close to your wedding. So sorry that your partner's dad is terminally ill.  That is a lot for both of you to handle, and then there is your mom.

If the situation was just a joke gone wrong, is there a chance your partner might just make an apology for the sake of a better chance for a peaceful wedding?  Might there be some way she would feel comfortable apologizing (like politicians do many times). Perhaps saying something like, "I'm sorry I make a joke that offended you, it wasn't my intent.  Can we put it behind us and start over?  I'd like to have all of us enjoy the upcoming wedding without any hard feelings. What do you say about a fresh start?"  

Your partner could word it in any way that feels comfortable to her (but in a way to not re-offend).  Your partner would appear as the better person for  apologizing. It might be worth it to send flowers along with an apology.  

You might list all of the options and then go through them with your partner.  Your partner must know your mom is disordered.  If you can't make peace over an unfortunate joke, then there will likely be more torment ahead. Is it "the hill she wants to die on"?

Perhaps, you can tell your partner that an apology from her to your mother would be a gift in your eyes.  That the stress will ruin your wedding.

Others may have some ideas. I'm thinking there is either an apology, your mom doesn't attend or you might have a very uncomfortable situation.


 

[HappyChappy]

My mum said last time that if I'd said to her that I'd spoken to my partner about what she'd said and said it was unacceptable, it would have been okay... .I don't believe her.

Hi Anyplacesafe

I think you nailed it with the above statement, a BPD hates someone else’s special day so your BPD probably will be picking arguments with the slightest of excuses currently. Shes probably desperate for attention, getting abandonment feelings. Don’t expect her to stop picking holes in your partner any time soon.

But you need to pick your fights, so would your partner care if you told your mom what she wants to hear ? Could you give your mom a very important job that she can grab some attention from, like hand writing all the something or others... .or picking cakes up from Mexico (they do good cake) ? Maybe a bit of reassurance that your bond with you mom will be as strong after the wedding ? You’re clearly going to be too busy to speak with any relative at all currently, possibly book into a secret hotel to give focus to your wedding plans (and rehearse the honeymoon).

Best of luck for your big day, don't let your mom detract from that.  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anyplacesafe!

Nice to hear from you! Your wedding is getting closer and is your mom getting more anxious too? I wouldn't be surprised as you know of course that the wedding really needs to be about her, right?   When my D1 got married, I struggled constantly with the drama my uBPDm constantly stirred up. How thankful I was to have a couple of helpers who continually reminded me that, "This isn't about your mom. It's your daughter's wedding." They kept me on track when I wanted to lose my mind. Have you read about the Karpman drama triangle?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Do you think this applies to your situation at all?

 
Wools

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,

Of course I remember your story  :-)
I think you got some really good advice here. Personally though I would also try to keep in mind that the wedding  indeed is NOT about your mother. It's about your partner and you. So while you can consider asking your partner to apologize / giving important wedding planner jobs to your mum, you can also consider to not invite her / to be firm with her.
Unfortunately there's also a risk she will try to ruin your day.  Have you considered to have 2 parts in the actual party : one with family and friends, and than later in the evening only with friends ? This might give you the opportunity to have one (bigger ?) part of the  event at least stress free.

[Fie]

Hello Anyplacesafe,

How are you, how did your wedding go ? Were you able to enjoy your day and how did you manage the issues with your mum ?

[my_memories]

Hello Anyplacesafe,

Of course I remember your story  :-)
I think you got some really good advice here. Personally though I would also try to keep in mind that the wedding  indeed is NOT about your mother. It's about your partner and you. So while you can consider asking your partner to apologize / giving important wedding planner jobs to your mum, you can also consider to not invite her / to be firm with her.
Unfortunately there's also a risk she will try to ruin your day.  Have you considered to have 2 parts in the actual party : one with family and friends, and than later in the evening only with friends ? This might give you the opportunity to have one (bigger ?) part of the  event at least stress free.

This is great advice. I hope you had a wonderful wedding and celebrated your love without a ton of family drama.