Inevitability

[GreenGlit]

I read posts on this board frequently and while I'm comforted and validated by others experiencing similar situations w their mothers/siblings, I am also reminded that their circumstances won't improve no matter how many years go by. While I was made responsible for their emotions my entire life, now, when I see I am not the one responsible, I have to choose to unburden myself from the guilt and choose every day to defend my own happiness.

I long for the mom I had as a child, one who would move mountains for me, help me through difficult moments, and stood by my side... .and while this was also the mother that caused so much emotional pain in my life, there were good times too. Now with my LC relationship, when I do choose to call, she is cold and unloving. I feel so rejected. Rejected because I chose to live my own life, to pursue my dreams, to have a career, and to separate myself from my horrifically dysfunctional family.

My mom visits my sister at least once a month, but can't ever make it to my place. I continue to invite but she continues to turn me down while secretly spending weeks with my very needy emotionally unstable older sister (I am NC with my uBPD sister).

In many ways I feel like the black sheep because I made extraordinary efforts, in spite of my circumstances, to live a normal life.

Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with the alienation? I am grateful to have friends and a loving maternal figure in my life who visits me and loves me unconditionally. But I am afraid I will live the rest of my life with this hole in my heart, with this sadness whenever I open the door to my childhood memories and what was and what is not. I dream about the day I can think about what I have lost and instead remember what I have gained. I'm just not there yet.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey GreenGlit:   

I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain.  It's tough, like being in mourning.  We all work through it at our own pace.

I'm glad that you have friends to help fill the void.  I know you still feel the void, but it will hopefully get better with time.  There are many people that will tell you that the most supportive people in their lives aren't blood relatives.

I believe I'm still stuck in a mourning phase too.  My parents are now deceased and because of NC, my sister might as well be.  I have a need to reinvent myself: find new interests, meet new friends, etc.  In addition to feeling like an orphan, I was laid off from a job I had for 35 years (in what I call a 2 for one sale - 2 lower paid recent college grads for the price on one seasoned employee). Losing a job can equate to losing more family.

Unfortunately, we can't change the disordered people in our lives.  It really sucks to be painted black.  It also hurts to know that you have been the victim, but you are the one who is bad mouthed as being abusive.  My thoughts are I have to have something to work with, in regard to my sister.  One choice could be to reconcile, pretend nothing happened and take on all the responsibility for emotional intelligence.  I know I'm not able to do this now.  I don't anticipate a change in my position, unless my sister would agree to some family counseling.  I don't see that ever happening. I have to have at least a seed to foster.

It hurts, but we can get through this. 

[Notwendy]

Hi  GreenGlit,

I can relate to your situation. I was my mother's "black child" while a sibling is the "golden child". Even a family friend who knew us growing up told me later that it was obvious that my mother favored this sib. I recall waiting for my mother to come tuck me in at night as a child. I could hear her talking in the next room to my sibling for a long time and then come in to say a quick goodnight. She and this sib still share much in common, movies, shows, books- they laugh, talk about shows. When I call, the topic is how unhappy she is and her medical issues ( she is elderly ). If I get worried after the conversation- I ask a sib to call and she sounds fine to them.

Although I knew my mother had issues, one of the hardest things for me to realize is that my mother could lie, stone cold lie to me, swear she is telling the truth. Being tender hearted, I would believe her. I wanted to believe in my mother. But she lies to manipulate me, and I so often fall for it, and then, I just feel icky. Sometimes she is truthful, and sometimes not, and it is hard to tell. The result of that is - a relationship that just isn't real to me. A relationship based on lies isn't a relationship.

I can relate to the grief. I want a mother, but that mother now just doesn't seem real. Much of what I grieve is the mother I wish she was, and she is not. She's not mentally well. I think in her own way she has tried to be a mother, even wants to be one, but this is who she is. If your mother was higher functioning - I can understand how hard it must be to see her as having a problem. For me, it was obvious even when I was young that something was different about my mother. In their era, most of my friend's moms were homemakers. Yet, even though I had a career, I do many of the things those mothers did- cook meals, spend time with my kids, take care of the home. My mother didn't do those things, and it didn't seem that my friends' mothers were angry and raging.

Despite that, our family had a semblance of normal and togetherness, and my parents did a lot of good for their children. We had clothing, a nice home, great educations. We were the kids who got good grades, had friends, were well behaved, and nobody had a clue what went on at home. I felt a sense of approval and acceptance so long as I went along with my parents' wishes, didn't speak up about Mom's behaviors - basically didn't stand up for myself.

At one point though, I couldn't do that anymore. I felt I had to have boundaries with my mother. At this point, I experienced the kind of "exile" you are feeling now. My mother had become increasingly emotionally abusive to me. I finally realized that I didn't have to take it. My father was angry at me for this. ( because Mom didn't like it ) and said to me " I want to be a happy family again". At that point I realized that this meant keeping Mom happy, not me. I certainly didn't want to cause my parents any unhappiness, but it was an eye opener to realize that there didn't seem to be any consideration that our happy family depended on taking Mom's emotional abuse. That didn't make sense to me. In addition to being exiled in a sense ( I am LC)  from my parents, my mother's FOO doesn't communicate with me. Now, my father is deceased and I am LC with my mother.

What you are experiencing ( and I did too) is not about you, but how family systems work. When there is a disordered person, all members of the family take on certain behaviors to maintain family equilibrium. When one person breaks away from the family pattern, it disrupts this balance. This causes the other family members discomfort. One response is to try to draw the family member back in, and if this doesn't work, then that family member may be cast out. For my family, the price of admission is keeping the secret that mom is normal and catering to her. When I broke away, it brought the issue into light, and that was not acceptable.

Yes, I grieve. It is hard to not have the kind of mother we want. I also have grieved the loss of my father. When he died, I felt like an orphan. I think this is normal, and GreenGlit- you have the right to grieve. It comes up at different times- the birth of a baby, a wedding, the times when you wish you had a mom to call and comfort you. One thing I have had to learn is to reach out, to reach out to friends, mentors, other people who can be of support to you. This is hard for us independent scapegoat types. Self care is another way to parent that "inner child". Try to find some time to take care of yourself- whatever it is that nurtures you. I've also found some comfort in being a mother- to my children, and even to other children- volunteering in schools, reading to kids. It's been a way of feeling that experience through caring for a child. Some of us here don't have kids, but there are kids out there- after school programs, lunch buddies, kids who need tutoring. For me, that helps.

Your mother's condition may not improve but as you get help, the relationship can improve. Mine doesn't trigger me as much. I feel sad for her, but I can not change her. While the grief is periodic, there is a lot of joy in my life. You can look forward to that.

If there is a bright side to being the black child, I have observed that the golden child in my FOO is very enmeshed with my mother, and I am not. In my mother's FOO, they all appear to be very close. I do envy that. When I see family pictures on Facebook, I feel sad to have lost a connection to them. But if the cost of that connection is to accept emotional abuse, then I don't want it. I think sometimes the black child is the one who is able to break free of the family dynamics.