Setting her free again

[Jvdaves]

Hi all, I was surfing the web tonight trying to figure out why my daughter picked today to be especially hateful to me.  She leaves for college tomorrow.  She wouldn't have gotten in except that she is an amazing musician.  I was helping her pack as she criticized my every move.

Can I tell all of you, a bit shamefully and confidentially, I am glad to see her go.  She has been the most awful human being to all of us, since she was a baby, I swear.  I have two other daughters who feel the same.

I know all about BPD; she has been in therapy since elementary school.  I'm just so tired.  So maxed out and tired and ready for her to move on.  I just needed to confess that to others.  

God bless all of us dealing with this.  I feel guilty daily for having created her.  I'm sorry she has to deal with this, I know I can never fully understand.  But I just cannot deal anymore.

Hugs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Jvdaves,



I can see how that would feel emotionally exhausting. I'd like to.welcome to bpdfamily. I think that it helps to share with people that can relate with you. Writing can be therapeutic.

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. I would find that hard to carry around guilt. The disorder is not our fault. I'm also sorry that you're D is having difficulties. Did T ( therapy ) help your D ( daughter ) any? Was it CBT?

Do you have family members or friends that you can turn to for support?

[wendydarling]

Hi Jvdaves 

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the parenting board and very glad you found us, you are here. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it is exhausting as you say - so maxed out and tired, I say that was where I was this time last year, I understand.  There are parents here who like you are feeling huge relief of their BPD's departing for college, you are not alone.

Now that your daughter is at college I hope you are able to find some time to focus on caring for you and finding peace, do you have any you plans? Taking care of myself first and not 'living' my 28yr daughters BPD (even though she lives at home) has made a huge difference to the quality of my life, able to achieve this through the wonderful support of everyone here. I wish that for you. I see myself as a work in progress and am enjoying my growth 

Keep posting Jvdaves, it's good to talk 

Peace to you and all.

WDx














 

[mggt]

We all here feel that way on many occasions , enjoy your peace and other daughters .  Take time for your self and the peace and quiet

[galaxy]

Hi Jvdaves,
Your post struck a chord with me today.  I join the others who wrote to say we all feel that way sometimes.  Our son has kept this family - and himself - in turmoil for many years and cut off all communication with us last year.  It has been difficult but he and his wife live and work in another country so our two daughters and my husband and I don't have to be afraid to see him or read any hurtful email from him anymore.  It isn't the solution we would like but life is more peaceful. 

Take care of yourself now and don't let guilt weigh you down. 

Galaxy

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello My friend:  Your post resonated so strongly with me.  I have today sent my son to college too--another part of the state.  None of our family members has BPD (I am on board because of my SIL).  So, irony is that even though he is a normal, well-adjusted kid... .I am relieved.

I think it is not that we don't love our children---nons and BPD alike... .it's just that we are worn out-I have heard of the "caregivers' burnout".  I think it is not lack of love, but fatigue and exhaustion.

So please forgive yourself for feeling this relief, you have earned this, you deserve it and never for one minute believe that it is lack of love... .there is no room for guilt in this sensation of much needed relief.

Hope this help.

[lbjnltx]

People who suffer with BPD have low distress tolerance.  Going away to college... .stressful.  As is often the case (BPD or no BPD) when we are stressed we take it out on those closest to us.  Core family are the handiest targets. 

There is no shame in feeling a sense of relief when tension is removed from our environment.  This time/space can provide you with opportunities for much needed self care.  We are here to help you do just that.  We can't take care of anyone else if we don't take care of ourselves. 

lbj