Need a little help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone. Long time lurker but neither post on this board. i'm french by the way.
The reason that i write this post is because i have a hard time moving on. I don't love her anymore, neither i want her back, it seems that i suffer from low self-esteem and i just learn about my replacement. I'm working on my self-esteem issue, but it's ___ing hard and i don't see the end... .
For the stories, i was with my BPD for 9 months one year ago. She was a teacher.
Everything was fine during 6 months or so. Then the nagging start and the complaining. I was becoming fed up from the complain and the bad mood with me while she was her happy self with her friends and i didn't really understand the nagging. I did things to her but she neither recripocate, i remember one time where i was planning a secret things during one of our trip. She wasn't please with the secret and decide to flirt with someone else in front of me for punishing me. I remember another event where she was trying to trap me in making me a possesive boyfriend during a party she was at. I also know that she was talking ___ behind my back to her friends, even thought, i swear, i didn't do anything. She certainly cheat. With all that i was just fed up with her attitude and decide to break things of.

One month later, she told me she was pregnant from me and did a miscarriage. She tried to flirt with me but i push her but in the same time i tried to be understanding and helpful of this situation. But everything was a lie. The last message i told her was to neither contact me again. She stalk for 2-months and then stop.
Now, she pass in front of my school with her best-friend the day of her birthday. And today in front of my flat, and i saw that she was with him. I had suspicion that he was interest in her but i just thought that nothing gonna happen, as she told me "i can manipulate him easily".
And i'm having a hard time.
1) First there is the lust, she was beautiful and the best sex i ever had... .i fear to neither find this again.
2) It so unfair that she can be happy, while i'm trying to get my life back.I don't have a good support system, a lot of my friends moved to another city, and the few friends i have in my city don't really understand. And i know that in some way, i want her to be happy with someone else and with good mental health, but i fear so much that i will neither find someone else again where things where as much fun than the first months of this relationship. I know that fear of being alone is doing a party in my head right now.

 I don't want her back, and i know that my low-self-esteem is at play her but I think i just need a little help, someone who goes through things similar as me and that at the end, was someone stronger, healthier, with a better life. If i can have real life example it would be helpful.

EDIT : i'm not sure she is BPD or narcissist. There was the pathological lying, the cutting (she didn't do it anymore), the cheating, love-bombing and devaluation etc.

[Bandini]

Hello everyone. Long time lurker but neither post on this board. i'm french by the way.
The reason that i write this post is because i have a hard time moving on. I don't love her anymore, neither i want her back, it seems that i suffer from low self-esteem and i just learn about my replacement. I'm working on my self-esteem issue, but it's ___ing hard and i don't see the end... .
For the stories, i was with my BPD for 9 months one year ago. She was a teacher.
Everything was fine during 6 months or so. Then the nagging start and the complaining. I was becoming fed up from the complain and the bad mood with me while she was her happy self with her friends and i didn't really understand the nagging. I did things to her but she neither recripocate, i remember one time where i was planning a secret things during one of our trip. She wasn't please with the secret and decide to flirt with someone else in front of me for punishing me. I remember another event where she was trying to trap me in making me a possesive boyfriend during a party she was at. I also know that she was talking ___ behind my back to her friends, even thought, i swear, i didn't do anything. She certainly cheat. With all that i was just fed up with her attitude and decide to break things of.

One month later, she told me she was pregnant from me and did a miscarriage. She tried to flirt with me but i push her but in the same time i tried to be understanding and helpful of this situation. But everything was a lie. The last message i told her was to neither contact me again. She stalk for 2-months and then stop.
Now, she pass in front of my school with her best-friend the day of her birthday. And today in front of my flat, and i saw that she was with him. I had suspicion that he was interest in her but i just thought that nothing gonna happen, as she told me "i can manipulate him easily".
And i'm having a hard time.
1) First there is the lust, she was beautiful and the best sex i ever had... .i fear to neither find this again.
2) It so unfair that she can be happy, while i'm trying to get my life back.I don't have a good support system, a lot of my friends moved to another city, and the few friends i have in my city don't really understand. And i know that in some way, i want her to be happy with someone else and with good mental health, but i fear so much that i will neither find someone else again where things where as much fun than the first months of this relationship. I know that fear of being alone is doing a party in my head right now.

 I don't want her back, and i know that my low-self-esteem is at play her but I think i just need a little help, someone who goes through things similar as me and that at the end, was someone stronger, healthier, with a better life. If i can have real life example it would be helpful.

EDIT : i'm not sure she is BPD or narcissist. There was the pathological lying, the cutting (she didn't do it anymore), the cheating, love-bombing and devaluation etc.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Bandini-

And

I don't want her back, and i know that my low-self-esteem is at play her but I think i just need a little help, someone who goes through things similar as me and that at the end, was someone stronger, healthier, with a better life. If i can have real life example it would be helpful.

Those are good goals, and you're in the right place.  It's very painful and confusing coming out of these relationships, and unfortunately your story is not unique, all of us have been there and we understand.  And also, you're not alone.

"I know that fear of being alone is doing a party in my head right now."

Your English is good, and that's funny!  I know exactly what you mean, and I've never heard it put that way.

Please read and post as much as you need to, and there is a lot of information on this site as well.  We look forward to hearing more, and take care of you!

[drained1996]

Bandini,

You seem to know exactly what you do not need... .which is her.  That is a great thing for you to be sure of in your process.  I hear the great sex part, I'll ask you to consider... .in the overall scheme of things in a real relationship how much time is spent having sex?  Not much... .the other 95+% of the time is what needs to be good to have a mature adult relationship. 
If you take the time to work on yourself, learn from your past, and build yourself a happy life, you will attract people you would like to be around.  And that will give you a great chance at attracting a wonderful partner.  Like heeltoheal suggested, look around the site at lessons and the message board as well.  You will find great information and insight.  You are not alone in your journey.  You have found a great family here who is willing to help.  We look forward to your posts and any questions you may have.  You will be just fine!   

[Bandini]

Thanks for your answers.
Two days since the news and it seems that i'm learning to accept the situation. I'm sad and scared which shouldn't because i did the dumping and she wasn't right for me. But i'm sick of obsessing. 
I learn a few things in those days.
->Taking a decision is not so much about having control of the situation than it is about accepting the situation.
->If i have a hard time letting go, it's because i'm scared i will not be happy with someone. That i'm not happy before her. And now she is.
I have/had(arrrrrg ) difficulties because it is her best-friends so there is a good chance that they will work. I'm not even mad about the cheating of even if there was something going one between the two during our relationship(and there was). The two are certainly the morally-___tiest person i ever saw(i'm not angry while i'm saying this).

In some way, i want them to be happy, that she stops making men suffer (i don't really knwo her past about that, she didn't explain much, but there certainly was some really bad things). Karma will not be her failling, but this situation, her finishing truly happy whith him. They know each other for 5 years, so he know her well.
But in an other way, i would love to have an apology, to know that i wasn't worthless to her, that they fail and i can get revenge.
That i have a hard time accepting that he will have a good life with a sweet sexy women, that perhaps it wasn't BPD/NPD and it was just me(i know you all deal with this thought)   and i will end up alone... .

and build yourself a happy life, you will attract people you would like to be around.  And that will give you a great chance at attracting a wonderful partner.

I heard that, and i'm doing the work, but it's not easy, and i will certainly need one more year of celibacy to really conquer my feeling of loneliness/worthlessness. I think i really need example that this course of action really work. THat some of you go through this and end up with a better life. It's one of the thing that is missing for my healing.

[drained1996]

" I think i really need example that this course of action really work. THat some of you go through this and end up with a better life. It's one of the thing that is missing for my healing."

I can give you the example of myself... .2 years ago I walked away from my pwBPD just as you did.  I knew I was drained from all the drama and the FOG.  I had nothing left to give, so I began to work on me through therapy and obviously hard work.  You're right it's not easy, but the more I did, the easier it became.  I'm a better person now than when I started my r/s over 5 years ago.  And... .someone else noticed me as a healthy mature adult that she found interest in... .so now, I'm in a new relationship with a beautiful healthy woman.  My shifting the focus to ME to work on myself has simply made me a better man.  I'm on a journey to find my happiness, and nothing will stop me.