Do all pwBPD open gofundme accounts?

[HappyRealist]

Hi;  I'm glad this board is here.  I believe my Mom has undxd BPD, as well as my Sister.  My childhood was a study in opposites:  public perfection (my Dad is a religious Minister), private hell.  I do think they did their best in some aspects, to come 180 degrees from the ways they were parented... .in other aspects, they were just incapable/unwilling to offer love.  (My Dad offered his daughters to his Pedo Dad to get his approval; my Mom was volatile, very physically abusive and verbally abusive.  I used to think of her as a rageaholic--she would work herself up into a frenzy over the slightest provocation and it was my Role to soothe her, comfort her, listen to her--even when she'd wake me at 2+3 am for a beating or a counseling session, I'd never know which, from my earliest years.  I could never understand why she would come to me for advice or expect me to have the answers when she so clearly hated me so much.  She'd tell me I "wasn't worth the powder it'd take to shoot me", that she never wanted me, that I wasn't supposed to be born, that she only loved my sisters, etc, etc, etc.  I just always tried to be more Perfect.)  My Sister was dxd with BPD by several therapists, years ago... .I just started learning about BPD after hitting a low of desperation after an extremely painful few years trying to help her. 

I just feel so much shame!  I'm so tired of the Shame.  The recent shame is because I've done all I can to help my Sister through some surgeries, caring for her physically, caring for her (older) children, moving her in with me and sleeping on my floor to give them our rooms (I know that's crazy), giving her all my savings... .only to have her decide abruptly to move out as soon as she was feeling better, and to cut me off:  block on FBk, maligning my character to extended relatives and mutual friends.  I've been grieving this for several years now but she's created a gofundme account recently, (I am also blocked from); I found out she reconnected with our Mom, and my name is Mudd. 

How do you get past having your reputation trashed?  Unfriend your extended relatives on FBk?  Move far away?  Besides the fact, I really want to go on with my life!  I've accomplished some difficult goals recently and started a new career that I love.  I am a widow and single mom and am trying with all my strength to raise these (amazing) kids without the crippling shame that is my inheritance, and with unconditional love.  I've had several friends call me as their Parents passed away, telling me that I'm their only friend with No Parents... .mostly I'm okay with that, but of course I wish I could give my kids a large loving extended family.  I'm so tired of the Secrets.  I'm so tired of the Shame.  I really just want to heal and move forward.  I've worked on myself for so many years... .yet I still struggle so with the pain of this.  I wish I could just publicly post my truth on social media... .but I do not feel that is right, and would involve exposing their darker sides... .wouldn't accomplish anything positive or be loving.  Can you relate?  Thanks for listening. 

[schwing]

Hi HappyRealist,

... .my Mom was volatile, very physically abusive and verbally abusive.  I used to think of her as a rageaholic--she would work herself up into a frenzy over the slightest provocation and it was my Role to soothe her, comfort her, listen to her--even when she'd wake me at 2+3 am for a beating or a counseling session, I'd never know which, from my earliest years.

You know, when parents put children in the position of taking care of the parents, such as by having you soothe, comfort and listen to your own mother, this is a kind of emotional incest. And there are consequences to having this kind of relationship with your mother.

I could never understand why she would come to me for advice or expect me to have the answers when she so clearly hated me so much.  She'd tell me I "wasn't worth the powder it'd take to shoot me", that she never wanted me, that I wasn't supposed to be born, that she only loved my sisters, etc, etc, etc.

She would get free therapy by having you listen to her problems.  And she'd get to blame you for whenever she wasn't feeling good about herself. She used you as an emotional surrogate/scapegoat for her issues.

I just feel so much shame!  I'm so tired of the Shame.  The recent shame is because I've done all I can to help my Sister through some surgeries, caring for her physically, caring for her (older) children, moving her in with me and sleeping on my floor to give them our rooms (I know that's crazy), giving her all my savings... .only to have her decide abruptly to move out as soon as she was feeling better, and to cut me off:  block on FBk, maligning my character to extended relatives and mutual friends.  

You are doing what many of us with BPD FOOs (family of origin) have done/do, which is continue to try to win over the love from someone who is incapable of such; you are trying to squeeze water from a rock.

How do you get past having your reputation trashed?  Unfriend your extended relatives on FBk?  Move far away?

I have found that when dealing with loved ones with BPD and you are exposed to a distortion/smear campaign, the most efficient way of handling it is to let the bridges burn and to move away.  

You have to spend so much effort to clear your name. And whereas your BPD loved one is getting an emotional payoff when they mount their distortion campaign, the same effort slowly chips away at your soul. You become pessimistic at how people so willingly become enablers (aka flying monkeys) of the sincerely delusional. Even very critically minded people will have difficulty determining who is lying because the accounts are so divergent that someone needs to be lying but both sides appear certain and persuasive. Why do you think the justice system has such a hard time dealing with citizens suffering from such disorders?

Because of the distortion campaigns, I've lost a couple of large circles of friends/acquaintances over the years.  And I do not have close interactions with large branches of my extended family.

I wish I could just publicly post my truth on social media... .but I do not feel that is right, and would involve exposing their darker sides... .wouldn't accomplish anything positive or be loving.  

I'm not a big subscriber of social "media."  I believe in cultivating society, but I don't see that technology necessarily enhances that... .call me old fashioned.  I find it's the difference between quantity vs. quality.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[HappyRealist]

Dear Schwing,  Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.  I really appreciate it.  Great food for thought.  I know better than to "go to that dried up well with my empty bucket", in my head, but yes, my heart still tries to squeeze water from rock.  Really helped to read these hard truths.

You hit the nail on the head with the resulting pessimism as I see stable, balanced "even-keeled" friends/family easily--too easily!--becoming "flying monkeys".  (e.g., I hate to see other people taken advantage of through this online fundraising account (it lists names of donors).)  It's not like I'm very close to extended family (Mom made sure of that) to begin with, so these relationships have been hard-won... .but it's hard to let go of people I love, to not care that they're seeing me as selfish (at best) to no longer be "helping" my Sister.  Thanks again for your reply, and for the welcome.

[Notwendy]

You hit the nail on the head with the resulting pessimism as I see stable, balanced "even-keeled" friends/family easily--too easily!--becoming "flying monkeys". 


I can relate to this as it happened to me with family members. I couldn't believe that these relatively stable, intelligent people would believe her.

I didn't know what to do at first, and I was very sad about it. It was hard to lose these people who I thought were my family, and I grieved it. Then, I let them go.

Not in a dramatic way. There wasn't a break up or an official NC (but we basically are). I didn't unfriend them on FB and occasionally say "happy birthday" to them or something like that,  but we rarely see each other or communicate.

I don't know if this is the right thing or not, and I guess it depends on how badly someone wants the relationship, but I felt stuck between two "realities".  My mother's made up stuff about me, and the real me. She had already filled their ears with fabrication and they believed her. If I told my side, they'd have to choose which one to believe, and they already believed her. I decided to say nothing and let the record stand for itself. I treat them pleasantly, and I behave well, and let them have her relationship with them. I figured that anyone who could listen to only one side of a story, and then, discard a relationship with me, was not a friend anyway.

If there is another solution, I'd love to hear it. This was the only one I could think of at the time. It is years later, and I suppose I could reach out to try to connect with them, but they haven't made that effort with me. I've got my own friends and family and so, let it be.