Son recently diagnosed whilst on holiday. Not coming back home.

[hesmyson]

Hello, discovering this site has been a blessing!

For the past year or so, my 20 y/o son has been out of control. He has been smoking weed for the last 5 years since we move to the UK from the US. I think the change was a big factor and the beginning of the end for him which is my fault.

He is a bright, handsome and loving person, when he wants to be. Last year I started to noticing his behaviour changing. We have just bought a new house with my husband ( not his dad) and he was going to start Uni, so a few changes.

He started drinking alone at home,and I would find bottles of whiskey hidden in a backpack under his bed. When I confronted him, he just said he was bored so I made him ( literally) get a job. I'll always had to do things for him, like filling his Uni application, student loan, help with his CV, otherwise he wouldn't bother which always annoyed me. It was like holding a 5 year old son hand all the time.

He has been drinking alone, whiskey, 3-4 times a week for the past year to the point of being a zombie, not knowing what day it is. Last December, I found him passed out at night, outside in the garden. It was freezing cold, had been raining and he had been laying there for at least a couple of hours. He is usually in his room amd that night we have gone out for an hour and came back home and started cooking. Call it mother's instincts but that night I went to his room, had the feeling that something was wrong. Found TV on and his keys in the room. He was nowhere to be found. I then thought I'll look outside, see if was smoking and there I found him, unconscious. I panicked and thought he was dead. He wouldn't respon. I started to slap him and shaking him but nothing. I was alone so run to the neighbours to ask for help. Got him in and slowly he started to come back. I slept next to him that night. Next day he didn't remember anything, didn't say I'm sorry, nothing.

He does well in school which is puzzling, but he is very intelligent. He cares for his PT job as a waiter but that's because is money to buy weed and alcohol.

For the past few months things have gotten worse. He drinks drank almost everyday, smoke at least 2-3 times(from what I know) and got very aggressive. Everything is my fault, I'm the cause of all of his troubles, he hates me but the next day loves me. He lays in bed depressed all day. Speaks non sense and scary things when angry. He was getting destructive around the house and said he didn't do anything that It wasn't him. His drug dealers will pull out the house to deliver, he would call them from the house phone, he simply didn't careven and didn't respect our rules. His mood swings were out of control. I couldn't sleep anymore. We would hide knives. We feared for his safety and ours. Hell promise to stop but 2 hours later he would be high and drunk again. Will be thinking about him all day at work and would dread coming home from work thinking about if I would find him dead or if the house was burnt down. He doesn't have many friends. Never goes out.

He finished his first year Uni, studying Sociology. His dad wanted him to spend the summer with him at home (Ecuador) and so he went. The day we took him to the airport was a nightmare. He travelled basically drunk. He's been in Ecuador for 2 months now.

A friend of mine is a psiquiatrist and he is seeing him now. To get him to see him was another mission.

To cut this shorter, sorry it's been such a long introduction! He was diagnosed with depression and shows BPD traits plus the addiction. He will hopefully start psychotherapy soon but I don't know yet.

My husband and I have decided that is best for him to stay there to receive the treatment as the health system in the UK is awful and we sessions there are a bit more affordable.

His now living with his dad and he hasn't drank or smoke since being there. He is going to his weekly sessions with the psychiatrist. He is surrounded by lots of family.

He doesn't talk to me often but when I send him a message or call, he talks to me in a polite way ( part of thr therapy)but I don't feel his love.

This desicion has broken my heart. I feel lost without having him around... .strangely. I feel extremely guilty. There are days I want to die. I don't think I deserve to be a mother. I have failed him and abandoned him there.

Now that I know he's got BPD, I realised why he was behaving the way he was and how I wished I had knew before so I could manage thints differently. I wish I had been less hard with him.

I'm seeing a psiquiatrist myself now, when I can bc is so expensive. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't stop crying. Guilt is just eating me away. My family judges me for not being in Ecuador 'taking care of it'. My only support is my mom and husband and ex.

Both, his psiquiatrist and mine say that me being away from him is not a bad thing and he needs that distance for now. My son said I robbed him from his life, friends and education. It kills me.

I want him to come back to me more than anything but I'm scared that if he comes back now, he'll go back to his 'routine'. I want him to finish Uni. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening/ reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi hesmyson   and welcome to the parenting board. I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us, you are not alone.  . I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you reaching out for help and support, I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. The chaos you've been dealing with your son over the last year sounds similar to my 28yr old daughter, depression, BPD symptoms, alcohol,   it was a relief to both her and I to receive the diagnosis last year, to be able to put in place what was needed for recovery. I also cried a bucket and experience post traumatic stress, fortunately it does get better - hugs to you.

I'm sorry you are such pain at the moment, you're doing the right thing, looking after you - how long have you been attending therapy?  Try keep it going (yes, the expense is a pain when our purses are tight). When I accepted I did not cause BPD through educating myself life became so much easier. I've learnt how I can support my daughter, I'm trying to be the parent she needs me to be. So hang in there with us cymar. Use the time your son is away for you and learn as much as you can, knowledge is empowering.

It's good to hear your son is in treatment and off the drinking/drugs, though recognise how hard it is for you - him being so far away, you're doing a great job with his father.

I found learning validations skills helped me better communicate and understand my daughter - here is a link, you may find it useful to use validation when speaking with your son on the phone.  Takes some practice - you can practice on anyone, including us  

Communication Skills - Validation

I'm glad your ex is working with you and you have support from you Husband and Mom. Unfortunately some people are quick to judge without considering a situation for what it really is. Hopefully in time they reflect, learn and move on. You can do much to support your son's recovery while physically not being at his side.

Small steps and hope.

We look forward to walking with you. Keeping posting, it really is therapeutic writing and receiving and giving support.

WDx

[Naughty Nibbler]

HESMYSON:   

I'd like to join WendyDarling in welcoming you!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  There are a lot of helpful people who have been through similar situations and their own pain.  It can be very stressful to sort out BPD and understand it.  In the paragraphs below, if you click on the words highlighted in green, it will take you to a lesson.

It helps to read about Fear, Obligation and Guilt and work on getting rid of the FOG   This FOG DISCUSSION THREAD can, also, be beneficial for you right now.

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  She appears as an angel with her church friends, but she SPLIT me black when we had to work together and share decisions when our parent's health began do decline and we were forced to share in decisions (until their death and after)

Take your time, and check out the links above or other links to lessons on the right side of the page.  I think many of us came here asking ourselves did we do something wrong?  Are we to blame?  I think most of us have learned that we didn't cause the situation, and we were surprised to learn all the details about BPD.  Eventually, the pieces of the puzzle start making sense. 

We can't change the past, and it isn't your fault.  By gaining understanding and learning some skills, you have the potential of building a better relationship with your son.  Others that may judge, likely are unaware of BPD and the issues involved.

Is there any history of mental illness or addiction in the family (grandparents or other siblings)

[Kate4queen]

Hi, my son sounds a bit like yours although his addiction of choice was pain pills and any drugs he could get hold of.
I just wanted to say that my son walked away from us 4 years ago just as he turned 21 and although it was devastating for me as a mother to watch that happen-to allow that to happen, hindsight has shown that for him it has actually been a good thing. He's had to learn to live within a budget, get a job, pay his own bills and all those other adult responsibilities we kept doing for him out of fear, obligation and guilt.

And you know what? By all accounts he's doing well now, so I believe the break from us (his parents) actually helped all of us and means that one day, maybe in the future we will be able to meet up again and have a relationship.

You haven't lost him entirely and you might have done if he'd continued his destructive behaviors and choices in your home.So really, all of you are in a better less destructive place where you can all start to heal. I know you will feel guilty, but maybe at this point it really is for the best.

[hesmyson]

Thank you all for your replies. Is good to know that we are not alone and thanks for your advice and sharing your stories.


wendydarling - I have only gone to a  couple of sessions, the get expensive and I am paying for his sessions there and medication.
Naughty Nibbler - I know that there is a few cases of depression and even schizophrenia on my father’s family side.
Kate4queen – I am sorry to hear about your son but at the same time I am  glad to hear that he is doing better. You are right, I am starting to think that the distance between us is good for him. After all, he always said I was the cause of his stress, his problems. Our relationship became very toxic. This separation has felt like a couple’s break up for me, like I know we ‘weren’t working’ but I still want him in my life.

I hope you and your son can meet again, have a relationship and be a family again.

I have been feeling much better these last couple of weeks. I was able to see my mom as she was traveling in Europe and I took a few days off from work to see her whilst she was in Spain and those few days were a blessing. She is the only one in my family who understands me.

My son seems to be doing ok there, though I am confused about what exactly his condition is. His doctor has told my ex that my son doesn’t have depression anymore but originally he said he was suffering from deep depression. He is on depression medication now and I am sure that has helped but I didn’t think someone suffering from depression would be ‘just fine’ after 2 months of meds? So I am now doubting that my BPS actually doesn’t have BPD? And his outbursts were effects of the alcohol and weed?

He has not drank or smoke in the 2 months he has been away and I am very happy about that, its progress after all. But now I am left confused about the original depression diagnosis and the possible BPD.

I do have to say that regardless, I feel like this ‘separation’ has been good for both, my son and myself. I miss him very much but he doesn’t seem to miss me at all. We speak maybe once a week, if he is in the mood, otherwise I text him and he does text back. However, is not a standard conversation. I still feel horrible for making him take a year off from Uni. He is basically doing nothing but playing computer games. His dad is not the type to set rules or discipline and that is what he needs, I think. He needs structure to his days otherwise he continues to be bored and eventually would want to seek ‘stimulation’ somewhere else. He says I have taken away his studies, friends and live here in the UK. The truth is that he didn’t have friends, he would spend his days in his room playing games, drinking and smoking. He rarely saw his best friend. He would have his dealer come outside the house or they would call him on our house phone. Things we couldn’t allow anymore.

He did well in school and that’s my only regret at the moment, to have prevented him to continue with his education. I told him it would only be a year but he said he is not coming back. I worry his Dad is maybe not as firm as he needs to be. This is the first time he has ever had to be a Dad as my son had lived with me in another country his whole life and just visited his dad every couple of years for a couple of weeks. I am also trying to remember that this is a new experience for his dad, trying to be a father. At the moment, my son spends the day/ afternoon at my parents and his dad picks him up after work. He just watches films, play video games and goes out to eat with his dad. All I want is for him to have structure and start becoming independent. Sorry I had to vent. It’s so hard to remember that our children are their own person and stop thinking that they belong to us. I just love him more than anything.

Have a call with his psychiatrist and his dad next week so I will know more. His psychiatrist has changed his sessions from weekly to bi-weekly so this makes me think that my son is better? That the initial diagnosis was wrong? And I based my decision of leaving him there because of it. Now I feel even more guilt.
At the same time I know if he came back he would have gone straight back to the bottle and weed. Can’t win!

For now, I am just going to try and stay positive and keep myself busy like I have been for the last few weeks.