I am her trigger

[Icanteven]

Got a call yesterday from my wife asking me to help her solve a problem that could affect us both.  Pleasant conversation.  Figured out the solution.  She was - I think - genuinely grateful.  This gratitude apparently prompted her to tell me - unsolicited - "you know I can't come home right?"

ICE: Now or ever?
Wife:  Ever.
ICE:  Because... .?
Wife:  You're my trigger.  I would come home and it would be the best few days - maybe only the best few hours - of our lives but being with you would make me so unstable that it would wipe out all the progress I've made.
ICE:  Are you channeling your psychiatrist or is that how you feel?
Wife:  Both?  I know that if I spent a weekend with you I'd go crazy again. My psychiatrist says the way I feel about you is so intense that I should try to limit even talking to you.  There were days a few months ago where just hearing your voice sent me into a spiral.  I'm stronger than that now but if you even put your arms around me he thinks I'd have a breakdown.
ICE:  So what happens next time?  What happens when you fall in love again?
Wife:  Why do you think I haven't been dating?

This caused me to go a little loopy, and my T told me to call him if I ever got into a bind.  Called him, left a VM, he called back last night:

ICE:  She says I'm her trigger.  Not A trigger.  THE trigger.  Letting me down gently?  Truth?  Both?  Some other explanations?
T:  Her psychiatrist has figured out that she's seriously personality disordered even if he's not said it to her or even if she's not willing to acknowledge it to you.  The difference is, she's had so much therapy and is so low functioning that she's not only willing to listen to his advice but also willing to regurgitate his reasoning for why you're not together any more.  It's a blessing and a curse:  you ARE her trigger, which is hard to hear as her husband, but at the same time, you have an answer.  It's lousy, but this is a heck of a lot more closure than most people get. 
ICE:  So she can really never come home?
T: Never is a long time, and my opinion isn't any more valid than anyone else's.
ICE: I mean with the right therapy?
T:  Don't know; like I said I'd just be expressing an opinion.  You've told me she hates and makes fun of DBT, so that's not encouraging.  But, even if she embraced DBT and everything else she's undergoing, the power of her feelings may be so strong and so latent that you swamp all her coping mechanisms.  I can't say and trying to predict is a fool's errand.   By the way, that doesn't mean her feelings = her love for you either; sorry to be blunt, but I don't think what your wife experiences is anywhere close to healthy adult love; I just mean the intensity of her feelings and all the psychological weight that goes with them.

I relay this story because, for months on end, I've tried to drill down to the bedrock of why did this happen? Will she get better?  Will she come home?  Is there any hope? And, I think those are questions the vast majority of us ask/have asked ourselves as we go through the process of detaching from our loved one.  What makes this worth sharing - at least in my mind - is that I have several mental health professionals very succinctly saying what we see strewn across these message boards:

The intensity of your partner's feelings for you causes them to become emotionally dysregulated which causes them to decompensate which is why they leave.  If they do come back it's because the dysregulation has passed, but it will flare up again if you get close, and if they don't come back, it's because they know - unconsciously or consciously - your presence will dysregulate them again.  Finally, it's not something you did or didn't do, it's a serious mental illness.

It's one thing to see it on a message board, something else to hear it in real time in real life. 

[StayStrongNow]

Icanteven, thank you so much for posting this. I have realized the fact that I am the trigger with the stbxBPDw and your description and explanation with quotes from your pwBPD and T helps me confirm my knowledge of me being a trigger and gives more insight further helping my understanding.

My situation is different for I am past any hope for there is now a mountain of evidence that my ustbxBPDw is highly unlikely to ever go into any remission. Because of the death of our daughter 2 1/2 years ago she has had much sympathy from Ts who diagnosed her as PTSD. One T stated she "may have some traits of BPD" but he never charged us a dime for a year of seeing him and has refused to get involved in any testimony from her many run ins with the law and child custody hearings.

Sorry to go in a tangent but all I know she has BPD, she is very typical to what I have read on these posts and I believe her to be more on the more severe side of the continuum of BPD.

I do sympathize with you, I had that hope, I tried recycling in the midst of projections and splitting black sucking it up hoping to get that idealization phase back. All attempts ended with her getting physically violent with me. I am the trigger and I have accepted it. There is no going back and I accepted that.

She now has a replacement as I was hoping I would get a little air cover from the projecting and splitting but no, it has intensified. She now wants me to help fund their cohabiting through me paying her alimony and pay back child support even though she has not had the kids much, no overnights in 10 months. I can go on and on but all I know it's over.

I really don't love her anymore, I really don't want her back. The idealization phase lasted 8 years, devaluation lasted 4 and still going as strong as ever. Of course I have been discarded and the replacement is already in. Sometimes I look back to happier days but almost like an overpowering nightmare one of the many horrific events come to mind.

I am conscientious of being a trigger and use BIFF and avoid JADE and I just continue the battle. It is just sometimes I feel like a prizefighter going into the final rounds with not too much more to fight with.

Please keep on posting Icanteven, you are really helping me out. Thank you.

[woundedPhoenix]

That's the really sorry bit about this all. Deep down it's an anxious-avoidant attachmentstyle they have with idealisation working as a coping mechanism to actually be able to start relationships. When reality sets in and the typical push and pull intensifies, this starts to fill up their trigger bucket.

My ex lists up all kind of trigger events that she herself initiated, but she doesn't remember her causing it, she only remembers my reactions.

Eg. Towards the end of the rs she totally started ghosting me... .i tried to give her as much space and not to chase her or pressure her. But the ghosting itensified whatever i did.

Her version of the ghosting: you pushed me away.

Point is, once that trigger bucket is filled up they can't maintain closeness, they also can't empty the bucket or process whats in it, as its ussually tied up with childhood issues they may not even be aware of, and defense mechanims on top that prevents them from seeing the behaviour it causes on their part

[schwing]

Hi Icanteven,

It's a blessing and a curse:  you ARE her trigger, which is hard to hear as her husband, but at the same time, you have an answer.  It's lousy, but this is a heck of a lot more closure than most people get.  

This is rough to hear. But I think it is very close to the truth. My understanding is that familiarity and intimacy are the triggers for the disordered feelings of people with BPD (pwBPD). But this is not to say that *you* are her trigger.  For now, you are her trigger.  The minute she starts to depend upon someone else (even if its a child), that new person will be her trigger. So the crux of her issue, is will she realize, and *accept* that she needs to fix herself *without* needing or depending upon anyone more than herself?

I think this is where a lot of pwBPD get sidetracked in their recovery progress.  

Right now she thinks you are her trigger. A mistake would be to think that she can find someone else who will not be her trigger. This is where a lot of pwBPD end up recycling other relationships. Heck, if she starts to depend upon her therapist, then eventually her therapist can become her trigger. But at least he is a professional.

But, even if she embraced DBT and everything else she's undergoing, the power of her feelings may be so strong and so latent that you swamp all her coping mechanisms.  

DBT is helping her develop tools for managing her emotions.  As she starts applying these tools to deal with her day-to-day feelings, she will get better. But the problem is the disordered feelings she experiences in the context of familial and intimate relationships will be the biggest kinds of emotions she will face. It may be some time before she can handle those using the DBT tools.  There is also the possibility that when those feelings get too overwhelming to her, she will drop the DBT tools and use her old defense mechanisms which result in the BPD behaviors discussed here in these forums.

sorry to be blunt, but I don't think what your wife experiences is anywhere close to healthy adult love; I just mean the intensity of her feelings and all the psychological weight that goes with them.

This is also a hard pill to swallow. But I believe it is the truth.

I relay this story because, for months on end, I've tried to drill down to the bedrock of why did this happen? Will she get better?  Will she come home?  Is there any hope?

Your wife getting to this point means she is a lot further down the path towards recovery than a lot of the pwBPD described here in these forums. In the short term, her emotions may become more manageable for her.

In my opinion, for a perfect resolution/recovery to occur, she needs to get *very good* at managing her emotions to the point that she can begin to face whatever pain/trauma/injury she suffered as a child that caused her BPD in the first place... .and *work through* that trauma. I imagine this is probably the most difficult part of the process.

And *if* she gets to that point, then she will have a chance to figure out exactly who she is.  

Maybe she'll come home.  The hope is that she has a chance to be who she was meant to be. And not be lost in this disorder for the rest of her life.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[VitaminC]

In my opinion, for a perfect resolution/recovery to occur, she needs to get *very good* at managing her emotions to the point that she can begin to face whatever pain/trauma/injury she suffered as a child that caused her BPD in the first place... .and *work through* that trauma. I imagine this is probably the most difficult part of the process.

And *if* she gets to that point, then she will have a chance to figure out exactly who she is.  

Icanteven,

Thank you for posting what must have been a difficult post to write. That's a lot for you to process. A lot for all of us to process and understand.

I think Schwing and   WoundedPhoenix said it very well "Point is, once that trigger bucket is filled up they can't maintain closeness, they also can't empty the bucket or process whats in it, as its ussually tied up with childhood issues they may not even be aware of, and defense mechanims on top that prevents them from seeing the behaviour it causes on their part"

They are the key things I am taking from this. Weirdly, I think I knew all of this about my own BPD just a few months in, but I still stayed and thought I could be the one to help that growth to happen. I didn't know about BPD or that intimacy with someone else is the first trigger. As   Schwing said "A mistake would be to think that she can find someone else who will not be her trigger."

Thank you again for sharing what you learned. Be well.