Discarded already in a week

[insideoutside]

I've just received this email; I feel sick.

hi izzybusy; i can't have anymore contact with you. it's nothing personal and don't take it the wrong way. i have alot of really difficult stuff going on and please respect my request. do not contact me and it's not your place to worry about me. i wish you and your family well.

That's it then.  All my efforts to be a great friend and for what; nothing.

Devastated.

[rfriesen]

I feel your sadness, izzy. To be pushed away by someone you've invested so much emotion and care into, it can be devastating, as you say.

That's it then.

Do you want it to be? Letting go is hard. You know he has pushed you away at other times in the past. Are you ready to let go of this cycle of slight contact followed by disappearing on his part?

It's never easy to decide we need to move on. Only you can make the decision for yourself. Either way remember to be kind and understanding towards yourself, and know that all your efforts showed how much you care. Even if he doesn't reciprocate and you decide to let go, showing someone that you care deeply is not nothing. His actions might make you feel like it counts for nothing, but remember that his feelings and actions shouldn't determine what's meaningful for you. Take good care of yourself now 

[steelwork]

I'm so so very very sorry. I know this must be excruciating. But he has done you the favor of removing all the uncertainty. Of course, there's always room for inventing some uncertainty (maybe he'll change his mind?), but he used pretty conclusive language.

You will be okay. I promise. It's been a very very long time since my ex ghosted without a word of parting. I've survived. You will, too.

What are you going to do today and tomorrow? Start there.

[insideoutside]

I feel so sick and trying not to cry; I'm totally devastated.  I can't even think straight; I can't do this ever again. I wish I'd never got back in touch with him 12 months ago.

I feel utterly worthless and a fool.

Update: he's deleted his Facebook again; 2nd time in 2 days

[steelwork]

You have to try to remember: his actions are not the measure of your worth. You're dealing with a sick person.

Do you have friends or family you can hang out with right now? It's best not to be alone.

[patientandclear]

Guys--that message is no more a "discard" than the message I wrote to my exwBPD when I explained to him that I needed to have no contact. I would view that as a fairly typical NC message: it hurts too much to be in touch, I can't, please respect that, be well.

Viewing this as a "discard" is extra meaning coming from inside you, Izzy. But it seems to me he is just asking for NC.

[steelwork]

I have to disagree with you here, patientandclear.

If I were asking for no contact with an intention of eventual renewal of contact, I would stipulate that it was not permanent. I would not say, "I can't have any more contact with you." I would say, "I need a period of no contact." I would even say, "I will be back in touch later."

I don't say this to be cruel. I say it because izzy's friend has not held out a promise of return. Who knows, he may be playing games, but at a certain point you have to take people at their word if you want to remain sane and not live in a perpetual state of abject hope.

EDIT

":)iscard" is a loaded term. If what that means is "permanent break"--well, that's what it seems to be saying. If he doesn't mean that, he should say so. Otherwise he is being cruel and unfair.

[rfriesen]

patientandclear and steelwork,

It seems to me you may both be right in a sense. Having read the background of your story, izzy, through your posts, it sounds like your friend makes a lot of demands of you in terms of how you may contact him and what you must do if you want to stay in contact with him. You've also expressed a lot of guilt for letting him down in some ways in the past and said that you worry about saying or doing anything wrong to make him cut you off and disappear again. Just going by your posts, you seem caught in an extreme form of walking on eggshells.

Given this background, his telling you to stay out of his life might be seen as a kind of "discard", in the sense that he's placed conditions on the way you're allowed to be in his life, conditions that you can't possibly fulfill, and when you fail (in his mind) to meet his conditions, he cuts you out. But, as patientandclear suggests, this may be his way of saying it's too painful for him to remain in contact. He may not be able/know how to tell you this in a more mature way.

Of course, we've all read many many stories on this site of exes or friends who insist they'll never speak to someone again, only to pop up again a short (or long) while later. Correct me if I'm wrong, izzy, but hasn't your friend said things like this in the past? only to "allow" you to contact him again in some form later?

So the real question for you is, would you even want to continue this relationship? I don't mean continue it as you wish it would be, but continue it as your friend has shown it is in reality -- with him setting all kinds of conditions on how you may contact him and you jumping through emotional hoops hoping to please him? Do you want to continue if he does reappear after some time?

[patientandclear]

I bet if we posted all of our NC requests/messages to our exes here, this msg to Izzy would be right in the middle in terms of kindness and extent of explanation. When I told my ex i'd be in touch in the future if I got to the point where I could, I didn't know if that would ever happen (and it took a year).

I barely inserted that part because it seemed sort of like a possibly false promise.

I think it can be useful to screen some of our reactions through "if I wrote this would it be objectionable? what would it mean?" lens. In this case, I don't read this communication as "discarding" unless we want to think of our NC as practiced on this board as discarding.

[insideoutside]

Thanks all

Well I was told that I was hostile and not compassionate towards him and he was disappointed in my response and it was sad it had to end that way.  When I responded that I wasn't hostile, just sad and hurting and that I had compassion for him and valued his friendship I woke up to a charming email with him telling me he doesn't want me or for me to care about him.  Total character assassination

I'm done.  I'm hurt; I'm angry.  Why on earth allow me back in his life to cut me off in one week.

My self esteem is on the floor.

[steelwork]

I'm done.  I'm hurt; I'm angry.  Why on earth allow me back in his life to cut me off in one week.

My self esteem is on the floor.

Feeling done is progress. No one here would judge you if you weren't, but now you don't have to bend over backwards for someone who is offering you nothing in return. You're taking control of your happiness, and that ultimately is a better basis for self-esteem than the highly contingent approval of someone else.

I don't read this communication as "discarding" unless we want to think of our NC as practiced on this board as discarding.

It's semantics. As I said, "discarding" is a loaded term. So is "NC"--loaded in the other extreme. He doesn't hold out the suggestion of renewal of their friendship, and my advice would be not to read it into his message.

[insideoutside]

In a fit of anger and hurt i retaliated with two cruel and hurtful emails.  I don't know if he's blocked me and read them but they were sent to make sure I and he will never be in contact again.

Every email he sent the past week was finished with a kiss and with him initiating contact.  I say one thing about caring for him and last night was the result of my saying the wrong thing.

What I don't understand is after him emailing me saying he hoped I wouldn't be hostile but compassionate and that he was disappointed in my response, I send back a compassionate response to me met with the 'I don't want you or need your help which you don't understand' and that he doesn't want anymore contact.  So two different responses; how the hell am I ever supposed to know how to respond to him if everything I say is wrong.

I can't help him; I've tried and its resulted in absolute hatred from him.  I can't put myself through this ever again, he is single handedly destroying my mental health, self esteem and self worth

Can anybody for my peace of mind help me make sense of the past week?

[patientandclear]

I think you might find more de-coding assistance on the Improving board.

This guy sounds to me like he is responding to caring closeness and intimacy in a disordered way which is to be expected. It's difficult to deal with, for sure. However, we often put our own hurtful spin on what is being said that is driven by our own ego wounds and how we would be handling this if we were them ... .Rather than reading it from the perspective of someone who is himself full of disordered fears and coping mechanisms.

This reads like a pretty classic mutual trigger dynamic. He (like many of us) decides to end contact because it hurts too much. This after a week of him initiating and it going well. You said something about caring for him ... .He reacts by closing down. This is pretty classic BPD, not to say that it's easy to deal with.

This doesn't mean you did anything wrong during the week of contact. But because of his emotional regulation difficulties he processed the situation by impulsively shutting down contact. (A decision he might regret soon and reverse at some point as this was probably an impulsive reaction.)

You however receive this as meaning something more akin to rejection and "discarding," and you guys are off to the races.

It's said a lot here but is very hard to do, I know from my own experience: you can't fully know where their words are coming from and it's a mistake to take them personally, as rejection etc. They are managing emotional dysregulation with some very crude and destructive tools. It's going to come out in ways that are awkward and imperfect and trigger our own self-doubt. Also, it's always hard to hear someone you care about wants to not be in touch. We who use NC to manage the end of BPD relationships put our SOs in the same position, incidentally; it may still be the right decision, but it probably feels like discarding to them.

You didn't include what you said when you were trying to respond to his plea for "compassion" but his response about not needing your help could be a reaction to "helping" (which my ex construed as condescending or patronizing) versus validating ("I hear that you're feeling it's too painful to continue in contact; I'm sorry it feels that way. I've sometimes been in that place including recently." Or maybe you were validating and he still reacted poorly--it happens.

This guy sounds super dysregulated right now. Sometimes giving some time and space without sounding like you're gone forever can help things return to baseline before more harm is done. Processing this just at the moment with him isn't likely to go well.

For more guidance and interpretation, again, you might try the Improving board.

[kc sunshine]

Oh man izzybusy, this happened to me as well. My ex was all friendly and wanted to get together but then cut off contact out of the blue. This is the first time she's cut off contact like that. Getting it from the other side made me like "release with grace" much more than "NC," but I can see the importance of NC if the other person is being hurtful. 

[heartandwhole]

I feel so sick and trying not to cry; I'm totally devastated.  I can't even think straight
I feel utterly worthless and a fool.

Izzybusy,

I'm so sorry.    I know how painful this is; I've been following your recent posts and I know how hard you've been trying to make things work. I understand your feelings; I've been there, too, and it felt devastating.

When you get a chance (e.g., you are alone at home) let the tears flow... .let that pain wash out of your body. I know it's hard, but it can really help. Try to focus on sensations in your body instead of stories about why you are feeling what you feel (e.g., for me, tears often feel hot and I feel pressure in my throat, sensations of softening in my shoulders). It sounds clinical, but breaking the feelings down into sensations can help avoid overwhelm and intellectualizing.

I agree with many of the members' posts: it seems that your ex has dysregulated and can't handle communication and/or closeness with you. In my own experience, I remember how awful it felt to do back flips of accommodation for his feelings, only to be rejected because of his inability to cope. As happens very often with pwBPD, I became the trigger for his terrible feelings. Feelings that he either couldn't cope with, or for which his attempts to cope felt very hurtful to me. It's a sad state of affairs all around.

Can you reach out to a friend today, izzy? Do something really special and kind for yourself? You deserve a lot of TLC. We're here for you.  

heartandwhole  

[insideoutside]

Heart and Whole

I have cried but not fully as people are in the house.  I feel numb; my head is thumping and I'm in a perpetual state of dread as I can't believe it's happened again in such a short time.

I would understand him feeling engulfed if I had initiated emails but he initiated all of them, he intiated the kisses after them; he initiated the phone call on Monday.  I just sat back and waited for his lead; I made a mistake in telling him how much I cared and bam; it set him off.

There's definitely no return from this as I've emailed him hurtful cruel things in retaliation for all the hurt and turmoil he's put me through the past 12 months.  I know I shouldn't had done it but I snapped.  I hope he treats someone who cares about him in the future a lot better than he did me.

[myself]

he is single handedly destroying my mental health, self esteem and self worth

Well... .You're choosing to interact with him. He's not holding you hostage.
There's a difference between facts and black & white thinking or scapegoating.
Time + introspection will very likely help create better personal balance.

I just sat back and waited for his lead;

I made a mistake in telling him how much I cared and bam; it set him off.

A disordered/dysregulating person is usually not the best person to follow.
The path often turns to attempts at intimacy, then sabotage and running from it.
Pain, frustration, confusion, hurt feelings, acting out, cover ups, etc. On both sides.

It wasn't a 'mistake' to speak your heart with him, expressing your care.
It's that pwBPD can't really handle much openness, honesty, and concern.

There's definitely no return from this

Where do you see yourself going from here? How best to proceed?

[insideoutside]

 C<|||myself

Block him and get on with my life; that's all I can do.  He's made his intentions clear that he no long wants contact with me and I've reciprocated by sending harsh mean emails in return.  There is no way back from this.

I was clearly being tested from day 1, he even tried to get me to change my mobile provider to the one he had just changed to only days before this latest discard.  

Does anybody feel his first text last night was a test?  If not, why would he then state his disappointment with my perceived hostility and not being compassionate?

What does dysregulation mean?  

[insideoutside]

Incidentally its one year ago exactly that I was feeling the same way due to my friend putting me on a communication protocol and if I didn't stick to it he would cut me off.  That was literally 6 weeks after reconnecting after 25 years.

I've obviously learnt nothing from his behaviour.

[rfriesen]

I've obviously learnt nothing from his behaviour.

Hi izzy,
Sometimes we learn quite a bit, even though we don't yet act on the lesson we've learned. Or it takes a few lessons for us to be motivated enough to change our own actions. It sounds like you're determined not to repeat the same patterns again. I would say that shows you've learned a lot.

I would understand him feeling engulfed if I had initiated emails but he initiated all of them, he intiated the kisses after them; he initiated the phone call on Monday.

As heartandwhole notes, it's important for you not to get lost in trying to understand and make sense of his behaviour or of your feelings in response to it. You might find it easier to begin moving forward by observing your feelings without trying to explain, justify, understand them. Just feel. There's nothing right or wrong about feelings as such. Let yourself feel and don't judge yourself for anything you do feel. Be kind to yourself now 

[insideoutside]

Thanks rfriesen

I feel panicky today; not sure why.  I feel like I want to run away and getting pangs of being homesick (I live 100 miles away now so not easy to visit on a whim).

These feelings are overwhelming me; I'm sure it's just my sadness taking on another form and coming out as anxiousness.  I wish I could erase the last 12 months from my brain and go back to being the carefree happy person I was before I re-engaged with him.  I understand now that saying I cared for him might had been undermining his feelings.  Maybe he wanted my friendship without anything too heavy; I dunno, its gone now.  I have to move on for my own sanity.

Thanks for everybody's input; it's much appreciated.