Did I blind fold & deafen myself?

[FallBack!Monster]

I'm going through a process that I had never. I'm hurting like hell. I can believe my weaknesses. I can't believe what I did to myself. I'm beginning to see whose fault it was. It was mine.

I turned a blind eye because I thought I was stronger than I prove myself to be.

2 yrs ago when I met my ex, i had already read about BPD. I just remembered while I was laying in my bed trying to fall asleep. I don't sleep well these days. I miss the cuddling. I even remember a comment I made to her and she questioned me on my comment aboug dating a pwBPD. Duh!

Back to the story at hand,
When I met her she used to say the most Preposterous things. I didn't like her at first. Not one bit. I use to try to avoid her whenever I ran into her in the streets. I remember thinking, that woman is strange af. I say my grief is my fault because, it wasn't until she started mirroring me that I began to like her.

I think I should explain the above further. I guess she watched me and learned me and began to behave in a more tolerable way. Then I liked it. But what's odd about it is that it was like I had erased my initial experiences. Weird things I heard and seen her do and forgot that her thinking always seem distorted. From day one. She pushed herself on me, my life, my house, everything.  How odd that a grown woman would do these things but then I erased it. In a way, makes me seem like her. I Did these things for personal gain or gratification. The difference, I  hurt myself not her.

Now I feel silly. She was never there. The whole time we were together I sense she was on social media and dating sites fishing for more fools like myself. Maybe using so of my romantic words and ways, to pull alll of her exs back. All the while I'm fusing with her about things that she can't even comprehend one normal level. I was dating her in every way. She was never dating just me. No physically, mentally, nor emotionally. Because first she would have to be mentally equipped to understand what that means. And now that I picture her in the light that I met her under, I know she's not. But it felt. 100℅ real. The kisses. The words.  The hugs. The laughter. The moments.  

What happened to me that I duped myself in that way?. I probably shut my eyes because I needed to hear and experience the good game she played on me.

Please don't say she didn't know what she was doing. At that time I even knew I wasn't her only game. Since I had just met her, that wasn't my concern. It's funny how she would wear she's not a cheat but agreed to hook up with me while still dating someone else. But again, it's like I pushed it all out. I'm glad it's all coming back to me.

Anyone here feel anything like me?  :)id you forget something from the beginning of the r/s that you now remember clearly? Or anything like this?

[gotbushels]

Hi FallBack!Monster 

Sometimes we do turn a blind eye to some behaviours because it's the most comfortable option to us. Sometimes we don't see it as an option.

Yes it does seem a little unusual that you didn't like her at first. It's also unusual that you knew about BPD but still continued. Sometimes when we find the things we like in our partner are as a result of mirroring, yes, we do feel as though we are at fault. Another way to see this is that there are really things about you that you believe have value, or else you wouldn't like them. Could that be something that makes sense with your thoughts?

Anyone here feel anything like me?  Did you forget something from the beginning of the r/s that you now remember clearly? Or anything like this?

There were times I wanted the relationship to work. I thought it was good to forget the bad because the future is ahead and the bad doesn't always carry lessons. Unfortunately, while sometimes true, if you take this to the extreme, you can allow really horrific things to happen and disappear from your memory. This also allows very bad things to keep happening without healthy investigation or changes.

When we start to remember things clearly, our memory can help us understand those situations better. It can allow us to see what worked and didn't work for us. I believe looking at these things can help you move forward.

I hope you're feeling better.