Who am I now...

[DreamerGirl]

I feel a bit lost at the moment.  Does anyone else relate to this?

I still hear his voice, all the time.  Just random silly things, but I can hear him talking to me, saying silly stuff like "hurry up beautiful, come to bed".  Lots more of these random one liners keep popping into my mind while I'm doing something routine.

There have been a few moments, recently, where I've even pretended to myself, that this is real.  I hear him say something, in my mind, and I the daydream and go back in time and relive the memory.  I feel so good, in that moment, just re-experiencing the happy and loving feelings again! That makes me miss him badly.

How long is this detaching going to take, I really just want to forget him.  He gave me a gift I know that, to grow from my childhood wounds, but he also gave me a nightmare.  To be adored and to feel loved and then to be thrown away into the dumpster, all on the same day, is extremely hard to deal with.  I am still feeling the shock from this.

Day by day, I know.

It's the weekend, which is still a struggle for me.

[Moselle]

Hang in there Dreamergirl,

Well done for being vulnerable and posting this. So sorry you are hurting. Hang in there - it will get better.

I know that's a bit frustrating however I've learned that the emotional side to this takes time, it just takes time.

Have you got some friends or family to hang out with this weekend?

[JerryRG]

Hey DreamerGirl

It does get better, TRUST US

I used to hear my exgfs voice too, when ever I had to decide something important. I could hear her critical voice degrading me and my choices. Very disgusting.

In my case, I didn't hear many good or fun things from her.

Eventually the voices fade as we take our power back.

My exgf told me she didn't like my hands, I'm an artist and my hands are beautiful and my manual dexterity is off the charts and the worst part of it? These hands loved her, caressed her skin, touched her, worked for her, held her.

Took me many months before I stopped hiding my hands from others because she said something negitive about them? Crazy

She changed her mind after a while, lies? Who knows

I hope you feel better, the voices do fade, the memories fade, both good and bad.

We can change, I'm believing more everyday, pwBPD never will

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you both Moselle and JerryRG for your encouraging support,

It helps me feel better.

Where did this come from, I actually felt quite good today, considering how I felt last week.

But hearing his voice, in my head, has made me miss him so much.  It just really hurts and I wish this pain would hurry up and go away. 

I think it also hurts even more, because I think he doesn't miss me.  Why should I be the one suffering.  It seems so unfair.

I actually don't have anyone to hang out with tonight, so that may be making this feeling of loss even worse.

It just amazes me how I can swing so dramatically with my emotions. 

I still have my anger, I'm hanging onto that because it only appeared this week and it's a good feeling compared to this sadness.  Now I have both feelings, alternating.

Seven weeks today.  My longest ever without him. I know I'll feel stronger tomorrow.  Thank you for the support.

[Moselle]

 It just really hurts and I wish this pain would hurry up and go away. 

This may seem a bit weird, but can you see anything to be grateful for in the pain?

Pain is pain. It comes and it goes, but it is there for a reason. Can you see what that reason is? I have found that once I embrace it, be grateful for it, learn what it's doing for me, sit with it, that it goes away.

I can keep it longer and turn it into suffering by adding resentment , or bitterness to the mix. But it will pass eventually

[kc sunshine]

We're with you dreamer girl  ! You say it so beautifully-- being so loved in the morning, and then discarded on the same day. What for me is tough is the experience is so particular and peculiar (the BPD aspects of the breakup-- the rapid devalution, discard, and replacement) and yet so "normal" (a break up in general). Something about that makes it so confusing as well as painful. Thank goodness for these boards to help clarify things.

[myself]

He gave me a gift I know that, to grow from my childhood wounds

Did he actually give you that, or are you stepping up and claiming it for yourself from the wreckage? Showing how strong and aware you really are inside to be able to face this, to heal, and to move on with life.

[pjstock42]

DreamerGirl,

I had the same experience in terms of instant devaluation. Had a text saying how much she loved me and couldn't wait to see me, an hour later I had the discard text ending the relationship and I would never see her again. The confusion was immense and it still is but for me the most stinging part of it all is how worthless it has left me feeling. My self-confidence has been obliterated and I have a heard time believing that I'll ever find value in myself after this experience. When everything you believe in is proven to be non-existent in a matter of seconds, it just causes me to be filled with an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt, like I can't even tell what's real anymore.

In regards to the confusion, I do think that will pass in time. Our natural tendency is to have full understanding of things that happen to us and in this case that means receiving closure, which you BPD ex will never give you. I'm taking time to accept that this will forever remain a confusing ordeal and at the end of the day, I'm ok with this being confusing because I don't even want to understand how someone could so callously play around with a person's emotions in this way.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks kc sunshine,

I agree with you how confusing this is.  To be so adored and then totally discarded within hours, is just too unbelievable for the mind to accept.  This morning, I had a thought that was similar to how I'm feeling... ."left at the alter".  Although much worse really, because he never answered my phone calls or text messages that night asking where he was.  Anybody that was in relationship, with someone who wasn't disordered, would have hit the panic button, thinking their loved one had been in an accident or something really bad would have happened.  The sad reality is, that thought actually didn't even cross my mind.

In the early days, when he did this, it did.  I thought something bad must of happened. 

So this time, I knew.   I knew for whatever reason, in his mind, he was ending it, or punishing me.  I keep that feeling alive inside at the moment, because when I do long for him, I bring that feeling back, how bad and how sad I felt 7 weeks ago, knowing he was doing this to me on purpose.  That hurt has kept me from contacting him.

myself, thank you, great thoughts.  I think he just bought this to the surface for me.  Now, the rest is up to me to really put some work into healing the past wounds.

pjstock42, we are really on such a parallel path at the moment.  And almost a similar timeline.

I have struggled a fair bit without any type of closure.  Even an angry text message would have given me an answer, but I still do not know the 'crime' or 'rejection' I did to him which caused him to sever all contact with me.  After 4.5 years, this had never happened.  He had told me a few times, over the past years that he had nearly broken it off with me, without telling me, for something that he had imagined I had said or a look that he thought I had etc.  Really strange stuff.  But because I loved him and told him that constantly, I guess I believed he would do this. 

I'm feeling exactly the same as you, at the moment, my self confidence and self worth has really taken a massive hit.  Just like you, I feel shell shocked.  What has happened, how did this happen.  How did it go from good to bad without warning.  I keep thinking I missed something, a look, a word, something that would have given me a clue so I could have adjusted my behavour. 

What a waste my last 4.5 years were.  We will crawl out of this rubble, that I am sure of.  I don't know how long it will take, but we need to be very kind to ourselves.  This has been such a devastating experience for us, it's going to take however much time we need to recover.