I'm scared that I will never be as close to someone as I was to my BPD ex gf...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been about 2 months since the discard & about 7 weeks of NC for me. As I work through this process, trying to harness the good days and weather the storm of the bad days, I'm plagued by many of the same thoughts over and over again. I'm sure many can relate, the constant ruminations, the longing for the good times, missing her, pondering all of the 'what ifs' incessantly.

It's come to a point where whenever there is any kind of new thought that creeps into my head, I instantly recognize that I'm now thinking of something different that hasn't been already dominating my mind through this time. A new thought process has started as of late and it is the genuine fear that I will never be able to recreate what I had with my BPD ex gf during the good times. When things were good in the relationship, my entire life seemed better and I felt as though I had not only a sense of purpose but also such a bright future that no one could take away from me. I opened up to this person in a way that I never have before with anyone else, whether it be friends/family/other girlfriends in the past. Opening up so much with this person led to a sense of attachment that I've never felt before, despite having had a 6 year relationship directly before this endeavor. My worry is that now that I know how powerful of a connection I (thought) that I had with her, what if I never have this with another partner in the future? Also, knowing how painful it is to be betrayed by someone whom you are so closely entwined with, will I ever even allow myself to connect with someone on this level or will my brain now have permanent defense mechanisms in place to prevent me from being hurt like this again?

We had so many deep discussions very early on in the relationship where she dug down and exposed all of my vulnerabilities, my fears, my insecurities, my hopes & dreams. It was so easy to open up to her and I truly felt like we were bonding in a way that I had never before experienced. I told her about how in the 6 year relationship that I had recently gotten out of due to it being long distance, that I always had a part of my emotions walled off from my partner. I told her that I always knew in my head that because of this small, isolated area of my emotions that I would be ok if and when things were to end with her. I told her that I had never allowed myself to go 'all in' with a relationship because I always had to reassure myself that I would be able to be ok without that person. She told me that if I ever wanted to experience real love, that I couldn't maintain this mindset going forward and shortly after that, I took her advice and dove head first into my relationship with her & had absolutely no boundaries & no back up plans. It did seem, at the time, that she was right about this because I really loved her in a way that I had never before experienced. She was the first person who I could ever imagine being with forever, getting married to, sacrificing anything for etc.

It seemed like every day she was telling me how she was going to marry me, talking about where we were going to move & live once this happened, pondering what kind of things we would do together when we were old. I quickly came to a point where I not only believed in this future with her, I knew that it was going to happen, and no one could tell me otherwise. I had no backup plan, there was nothing about me that she didn't know and it was simply a guarantee in my mind that we would always be together, no matter what.

Of course, this was all ripped away in a matter of seconds, through a text message in which she said that we were "too different" and that she "didn't see a future with me". This was out of nowhere, we had hours before been hugging, kissing and telling each other how much we love the other person. The entire future that I was so sure of and ready to pursue was pulled out from under me and because I had absolutely no back-up plan for this due to never thinking this would happen, it often leaves me feeling lost and hopeless. The good times of the relationship showed me what I really want in life; someone to connect with on an incredibly deep level, someone to take care of and be there for through thick and thin. Now I am left to wonder about my future, which you could say is the case in any breakup but this one obviously cut deeper due to the strength of my attachment to her and the lack of any closure from the sudden discard. What if I can never find this kind of connection with someone again? Do I even want to? Is the only way to experience what I felt to be "true love" to be be fully in the depths of the idealization/love-bombing phase of a BPD relationship? There is so much self-doubt in me as a result of this experience and I don't know how to get over it. I am giving myself a minimum of 6 months before I even think about trying to pursue any kind of romantic relationship, mostly so that I can attempt to fully heal from this to the best of my ability but also because my self-confidence is at absolute rock-bottom as a result of this discard and I feel completely worthless.

I apologize that this is mostly just venting but I am curious if anyone else has had similar feelings and how/if they were able to work past them.

[pjstock42]

Been about 2 months since the discard & about 7 weeks of NC for me. As I work through this process, trying to harness the good days and weather the storm of the bad days, I'm plagued by many of the same thoughts over and over again. I'm sure many can relate, the constant ruminations, the longing for the good times, missing her, pondering all of the 'what ifs' incessantly.

It's come to a point where whenever there is any kind of new thought that creeps into my head, I instantly recognize that I'm now thinking of something different that hasn't been already dominating my mind through this time. A new thought process has started as of late and it is the genuine fear that I will never be able to recreate what I had with my BPD ex gf during the good times. When things were good in the relationship, my entire life seemed better and I felt as though I had not only a sense of purpose but also such a bright future that no one could take away from me. I opened up to this person in a way that I never have before with anyone else, whether it be friends/family/other girlfriends in the past. Opening up so much with this person led to a sense of attachment that I've never felt before, despite having had a 6 year relationship directly before this endeavor. My worry is that now that I know how powerful of a connection I (thought) that I had with her, what if I never have this with another partner in the future? Also, knowing how painful it is to be betrayed by someone whom you are so closely entwined with, will I ever even allow myself to connect with someone on this level or will my brain now have permanent defense mechanisms in place to prevent me from being hurt like this again?

We had so many deep discussions very early on in the relationship where she dug down and exposed all of my vulnerabilities, my fears, my insecurities, my hopes & dreams. It was so easy to open up to her and I truly felt like we were bonding in a way that I had never before experienced. I told her about how in the 6 year relationship that I had recently gotten out of due to it being long distance, that I always had a part of my emotions walled off from my partner. I told her that I always knew in my head that because of this small, isolated area of my emotions that I would be ok if and when things were to end with her. I told her that I had never allowed myself to go 'all in' with a relationship because I always had to reassure myself that I would be able to be ok without that person. She told me that if I ever wanted to experience real love, that I couldn't maintain this mindset going forward and shortly after that, I took her advice and dove head first into my relationship with her & had absolutely no boundaries & no back up plans. It did seem, at the time, that she was right about this because I really loved her in a way that I had never before experienced. She was the first person who I could ever imagine being with forever, getting married to, sacrificing anything for etc.

It seemed like every day she was telling me how she was going to marry me, talking about where we were going to move & live once this happened, pondering what kind of things we would do together when we were old. I quickly came to a point where I not only believed in this future with her, I knew that it was going to happen, and no one could tell me otherwise. I had no backup plan, there was nothing about me that she didn't know and it was simply a guarantee in my mind that we would always be together, no matter what.

Of course, this was all ripped away in a matter of seconds, through a text message in which she said that we were "too different" and that she "didn't see a future with me". This was out of nowhere, we had hours before been hugging, kissing and telling each other how much we love the other person. The entire future that I was so sure of and ready to pursue was pulled out from under me and because I had absolutely no back-up plan for this due to never thinking this would happen, it often leaves me feeling lost and hopeless. The good times of the relationship showed me what I really want in life; someone to connect with on an incredibly deep level, someone to take care of and be there for through thick and thin. Now I am left to wonder about my future, which you could say is the case in any breakup but this one obviously cut deeper due to the strength of my attachment to her and the lack of any closure from the sudden discard. What if I can never find this kind of connection with someone again? Do I even want to? Is the only way to experience what I felt to be "true love" to be be fully in the depths of the idealization/love-bombing phase of a BPD relationship? There is so much self-doubt in me as a result of this experience and I don't know how to get over it. I am giving myself a minimum of 6 months before I even think about trying to pursue any kind of romantic relationship, mostly so that I can attempt to fully heal from this to the best of my ability but also because my self-confidence is at absolute rock-bottom as a result of this discard and I feel completely worthless.

I apologize that this is mostly just venting but I am curious if anyone else has had similar feelings and how/if they were able to work past them.

[drained1996]

I remember spending hours a day on my couch or begrudgingly going to the office after having slept until 10 or 11 am, just looking forward to darkness when I could drown my sorrows in wine and start the cycle all over again... .
This was me after my exBPDw.  It took a good 18 months to begin to pull out of that depression... .no therapy, no understanding of what had happened... .she left me much like yours... .out of the blue... .with a replacement already.  
Fast forward some 5-6 years, and in a new relationship with my exBPD... .therapy started and I began to understand what BPD was, and to learn my exwife was BPD was liberating.
Two years ago I began to work on myself, and through therapy, this board, and lots of introspection I've gotten where I am today.  I have started a new relationship with a seemingly very healthy woman.  I'm on my road to happiness, and I know I will get there one day for sure.  
I could've typed all of the above at various times in my process, so the answer to all of your questions really lie ahead of you in your own process.  I think eventually you will find satisfactory answers along your way, and the more you find the more optimistic your own future will become in your mind.  :)on't be afraid to adjust your timelines along the way... .if in 6 months you aren't where you want to be... .that's ok.  I always wanted to be ahead of the curve, but found I had to let my process flow with time and circumstances.  You will love again PJ, and you will love in a more healthy fashion.  No, at first it will not be like the love bombing of a BPD relationship, but as time goes on, I envision a much deeper, healthier connection between two emotionally mature people that love and trust each other... .and know that a relationship is a work in progress for all of life for both partners.  Keep up your effort, and time will reward you.  
And it's perfectly ok to be scared, that's a normal feeling under the conditions your heart and soul have been subjected to in the recent past. 

[FallBack!Monster]

Mi ex use to say, watch! we are going to get married, grow old together, and we'll spend lots of time at the beach on beach chairs, laid back, wearing sun glasses sipping on Champaign. That was funny to me but I knew it was fake.

[anonymous1234]

Yeah well, it's no different for me to be honest. I was so happy with mine, especially in the beginning, I knew this was the one I wanted to grow old with.  Even after the batch of symptoms appeared I still loved her to death, believed we could be ok with some work and be happy together.

Now she is with my replacement, which she uses as a distraction as far as I can tell. This fills me with doubt as well, what if this does work out... .The whole r/s is based on a big lie, but still.

Ow and mine wanted to buy a house in Italy, while being unemployed and disabled (80% of it was probably the BPD instead of real physical complaints). Unrealistic, very much so.

The wondering will get less obsessive with time, but it will take time. A lot of it. My main problem is she is with the ass that I called one of my best friends, by maintaining NC I'm also losing friends. This doesn't help to detach.

[rfriesen]

My worry is that now that I know how powerful of a connection I (thought) that I had with her, what if I never have this with another partner in the future?

Yes, this is a hard one and a very common worry after the kinds of relationships and break-ups so many describe here. It hurts a lot. And there's no simple realisation that will set you free from this worry. But one of the hard, but meaningful, lessons that I've taken from this experience is that a truly deep and powerful connection is built over time, on a foundation of trust and belief in ourselves and our partner, and that simply cannot be built in a rush.

Just like you, I felt the most incredible highs early in my relationship with my ex, because she seemed to want to know and connect with every little aspect of my self, my personality, my thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams. She wanted to know everything, she seemed to crave it, and every new revelation seemed to make her fall more in love with me. That kind of adoration and idealisation ... .a helluva drug, no doubt about it.

So ... .will I ever connect with someone else like that? I hope not. I'd be lying if I said I never miss it. In fact, I still miss it every single day. But I also know that it's fragile, unhealthy, unstable, and hurts like hell when it ends. The pain of missing it slowly dies down. And with that, you can start to reflect on the fact that, as great as we might have been towards our exes, as kind and loving and devoted as we might have been ... .no one is truly worth of that level of adoration. We're human and imperfect and we can't expect to go through life entitled to that kind of constant unsustainable euphoria.

The flip side of that is, once we pick ourselves up from the pain, we can start to think about what it would take and what it would mean to build that deep and abiding connection for real, over time and with genuine commitment to work at it, even when the highs aren't there to let us coast along on the euphoric feelings of "love". So, yes, we can have a deeper and more meaningful connection. But I think we have to accept the fact that that connection won't consistently feel like the intense euphoria we got hooked on in these relationships.

She told me that if I ever wanted to experience real love, that I couldn't maintain this mindset going forward and shortly after that, I took her advice and dove head first into my relationship with her & had absolutely no boundaries & no back up plans.

Without a doubt, another common theme around here. In hindsight, there's perhaps nothing my ex was more insistent about drilling into my head than the notion that "leaving is not an option. Never. You have to tell me that leaving is not an option. You'll never know what love is unless you see that leaving is not an option for us, ever." I'm sure you can relate to the shock and pain when I realised that leaving was, in fact, very much an option in her mind. Maybe not while she was begging me to see that leaving wasn't an option. But as soon as conflicting emotions were too painful for her, it most definitely became her go-to option.

My ex was very good at expressing intense, movie-style sentiments about love, with a depth of feeling that was overpowering. But, let's be honest, if we truly love someone, we don't want them to be "not ok" without us. Yes, there is that selfish side of love and for most of us, if we commit to another person, we want that person to need us and long for us. But we're able to step back from that feeling and realise that if something should ever happen that separates us, we don't want that person to be forever miserable and unhappy. I kept trying to express this to my ex through the long, drawn-out, excruciating break-up phase. And she kept coming back at me with, "well that's sweet. But I can never feel that way about you. I would never want you to be happy without me."

Honestly, that's childish. I understand what she's saying, but I think a mature relationship requires partners who can acknowledge that feeling, while still not identifying with it. The thought of my ex happy with someone else does hurt me, but I can truthfully say that I would like for her to find genuine happiness with herself and with someone else if that's what she wants. Maturity requires that we find a way to manage these conflicting emotions. It was an immature view of love that made my ex - and yours - so adamant that we must never feel that we'd be ok without them.

Is the only way to experience what I felt to be "true love" to be be fully in the depths of the idealization/love-bombing phase of a BPD relationship? 

It may be the only way to experience that particular blend of intense, intoxicating feelings. But I have to agree with the scare quotes you put around "true love". That may be our exes' understanding of "true love" -- do you think they were right?

[FallBack!Monster]

My worry is that now that I know how powerful of a connection I (thought) that I had with her, what if I never have this with another partner in the future.

   

I read that one soul-mate to every soul.  But 1& 1/2 billion chance you'll ever meet that person. Bahaha. I thought I had met mine. Now I'm laughing in my face.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, as much as I wish that no one else ever had to go through this, it does bring me some sanity seeing that others have experienced things that are so similar to what I went through.

The idealization phase really was like a drug, especially in the sense that it was all emanating from her and is never something I've done with a person in a relationship before and honestly, I didn't even really know that this kind of euphoric high really existed. I would never be able to tell someone how good looking they, how prefect they are etc. etc. on a constant daily basis because it would just seem like way too much for me, even if in my head I did think these things about the other person. However; when you're on the receiving end of it, it's so easy to get caught up in it and become almost dependent on it. I had this incredibly beautiful & intelligent woman telling me every day how I was the best looking guy in the world & how much she loved me, how could I say no to that? At the time, I didn't know that BPD even existed and I definitely had no idea what love-bombing or idealization were, I simply thought "wow, this amazing girl really feels this way about me, how lucky am I?"

Something else that the overwhelming intoxication of the love-bombing did to me was make it so effortless for me to look past major red flags. In a "normal" relationship, hearing the things that I heard about her past / her qualities would make me step back and question things, maybe isolate myself a bit from that person. Yet with her, I was having red flags thrown in my face so frequently but because I was so addicted to the idealization, I never allowed myself to voice concerns about these things because then I would have run the risk of upsetting her and thus cutting off my supply of the drug of love-bombing. She could have told me that she used to be a prostitute, was a child abuser or a murderer and it wouldn't have mattered because I would have taken her side, comforted her and done whatever was necessary to keep her in a good enough mood to continue supplying me with idealization. The worst thing about this is that I don't think that I was doing it consciously at all, it was like my brain instantly knew how to keep her happy enough to keep my pathway to the drug open even when I had only known this person for a matter of days/weeks.

To answer your question - no, I don't think that what we had was true love and in fact I know without a doubt that it wasn't. No human being could discard me in the manner that she did if she actually loved me or even felt anything close to love for me. Our past relationship experience shows a lot about our views on love in the sense that I had been in 2 very long relationships prior (one 6 years and one 2.5 years) compared to her having been in a large number of short relationships with none of them going past ~1.5 years or so. When I think about my ex from the 6 year relationship, I genuinely believe that she is a good person and I would love nothing more than to hear that she has found true happiness because she deserves it. On the other hand, my ex would only have negative things to say about her long list of ex-boyfriends, even though that didn't stop her from continually getting in contact with them while we were together but that's a story for another day. Although I have committed to reaching full forgiveness towards my BPD ex in regards to what she has put me through , I can say that I honestly don't want her to be happy even though that may just make me sound bitter or resentful. I don't want her to be happy simply for the fact that I don't think someone who has such a torrid trail of emotional destruction behind her deserves to be happy themselves. I am hopeful that I will eventually reach true indifference and not even have a thought in my mind that is concerned with whether she is happy or not happy.

FallBack,

I don't believe in the concept of soulmates and I never have so at no point did I think that my BPD ex was my "soulmate". As you mentioned, the numbers don't add up in support of this theory & I've always instead thought that relationships should be two different people getting together with the right intentions & developing a true sense of mutual care/support. I did truly believe that I had achieved the latter with my BPD ex so discovering that none of what I feel for her was ever mutual is a big shock to the system that will take lots of time to truly accept.

[chillamom]

Hi, pjstock42,

I'm so sorry that the thought of never having this connection again is plaguing you today.

I've been thinking about the NPD traits that my own ex displayed (he was diagnosed with both BPD and NPD) and one of the diagnostic criteria for NPD (this isn't verbatim) is a fantasy of a perfect, overwhelming, Nicholas Sparks, Notebook type love, which is obviously not realistic for anyone that isn't, well, a character in a Nicholas Sparks film.  Do you think that might have been going on here a bit?  I mean, she created a fantasy of an ideal, perfect, intense romantic love and it drew you in (who the hell wouldn't be drawn in) but because it was as fragile as a bubble, she could easily leave it behind when she decided to.  Absolutely no doubt that she loved you when she loved you (as many have said on here before) but the idea of love a PD tries to create is unsustainable.  What do you think?  I also worry that if I ever get brave (or foolish) enough to attempt another relationship, I will be disappointed by what is normal and healthy... .working on that.

And the concept of soulmates?  Nah.  Makes for great Withering Heights type stuff is all.  Social psychology tells us that there are actually many, many people that we could ultimately be compatible with - and hopefully not a lot have a PD.

Hope you have a better night, the ruminations are God-awful.