Tried to be friends- still push/pull

[boatman]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in quite a while. Unfortunately, I work with my exBPDgf. We had almost no contact (except for necessary work contact which amounted to having to speak with her for 5-10 minutes a week) for over a year. We had a brief recycle for about 6 weeks. I chose to end it because of her constant pushing/pulling and idealizing/devaluing. With her, each aspect of these cycles never lasts for more than 3-4 days. I briefly tried to be friends with her, primarily to reduce any tension at work. I couldn't hack it. Her continued cycling was driving me insane. I told her I once again wanted no contact with her. This has brought an onslaught of gaslighting and lashing out at work. I hate it. I'm enrolled in graduate school and I can't wait to finish my new degree so I can get a new job and get away from her. I'm worried about my job and my sanity so I'm just trying to trust in the universe and that there is a purpose to all this.

She really scares me. In addition to BPD traits, she also has sociopathic traits. I remember her telling me that mass shootings don't upset her and that she doesn't understand why other people would be upset. There were also times where she would smile at me when I would tell her she was seriously hurting me. Has anyone else experienced any of this? Anyone else work with their ex?

Thanks everyone 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi boatman-

Anyone else work with their ex?

Yes, I used to work with my ex, and the day she got fired I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders.  I understand.

You can't control anything about her, what she thinks, what she says, what she does, but you can take control of your work situation and your own serenity.  Is there an HR department at work?  If you're being "driven insane", as you put it, at work, your work performance is surely suffering, even if it's in discreet ways, and it's in your employer's best interest to help with that, so they get out of you what they're paying you for.  So it would depend on the situation, but there may be ways for management to adjust to separate the two of you, and folks hook up with coworkers all the time, so this is standard stuff for HR people.  And you may not want to do that, you might consider it weak or embarrassing, but if you put your needs, your serenity, your life first, doesn't what make sense?  And if your employer values you and your contribution, they will take it seriously.

[boatman]

Hi FHTH,

Thank you for responding. I completely agree with you. The company I work for has no HR department, so the only person I could really talk with about the situation would be the owner. Unfortunately, he exhibits many narcissistic/BPD traits, and I have seen him deal very poorly with situations like this in the past. When I think about bringing it up to him all I can see is impending disaster. My work environment was the original motivation for my returning to school. So, while the solution you suggest is by far the best and the healthiest, I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to bring it up and I'm scared not to bring it up. UGH!

If I might ask, how long did you have to work with your ex before she was fired?

[fromheeltoheal]

If I might ask, how long did you have to work with your ex before she was fired?

About 6 months, with her acting life everything was wonderful and having sex with many of my coworkers, and doing a lousy job which got her fired.  And the most interesting thing, that I realized after she left, was all the things about myself I made that mean and how much power I had given her.  Serious wake-up call and that slap in the face has inspired massive growth since; something to look forward to?

the only person I could really talk with about the situation would be the owner. Unfortunately, he exhibits many narcissistic/BPD traits, and I have seen him deal very poorly with situations like this in the past.
 
I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to bring it up and I'm scared not to bring it up. UGH!

I'm worried about my job and my sanity so I'm just trying to trust in the universe and that there is a purpose to all this.

She really scares me. In addition to BPD traits, she also has sociopathic traits.

So reading that list objectively, from a detached place, is that how you want to spend your days?  Is it time for a new job?  You're right about the universe, if you adopt the belief that everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and we do need to use the information we have and act in our own best interest yes?

[boatman]

I'm sorry you had to endure that for 6 months, that must have been awful.

It's funny that you mentioned giving your power away. That's something I've been realizing recently. I definitely feel helpless and powerless around her, especially at work. I agree that I need a new job, that's why I'm pushing to finish my graduate degree as soon as possible. I also keep my eye out for new jobs, but I haven't found anything that pays what I'm making now. Acting in my own best interest is definitely a new concept for me, but a necessary one.

 

[JerryRG]

This is key to my recovery as well, giving power away, I thought if I gave enough eventually she would love me, she cannot love me because she hates herself.

Thanks for the post, I hope you get well boatman

[fromheeltoheal]

Acting in my own best interest is definitely a new concept for me, but a necessary one.

Yeah, it is new when we've given our "all" to someone in need, plus we may be predisposed to putting other people's needs ahead of our own, something to dig deep into as we detach.  Is it worth it to take a lower paying job to be free of her boatman?  I considered that, and it would have been an admission of defeat for me, although it would definitely have been acting in my own best interest; fortunately she got fired so it became a non-issue.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is key to my recovery as well, giving power away,

Actually the key to our recovery is taking our power back.  How are you doing that Jerry?

[boatman]

Hi Jerry,

I thought if I gave enough eventually she would love me

I did the same thing. I'm just recently realizing the extent to which I have. Almost all my energy was spent trying to accommodate her ever changing emotional demands.

FHTH,

it would have been an admission of defeat for me

I feel this way too. I've had the same job for 21 years, and she hasn't worked there for nearly that long, and I hate to think of giving it up completely because of her. But then I have to remind myself that there are other factors beside her that make work unpleasant for me. If a good job comes along that feels right, I can definitely see myself taking it.

[fromheeltoheal]

it would have been an admission of defeat for me

I feel this way too. I've had the same job for 21 years, and she hasn't worked there for nearly that long, and I hate to think of giving it up completely because of her. But then I have to remind myself that there are other factors beside her that make work unpleasant for me. If a good job comes along that feels right, I can definitely see myself taking it.

And after 21 years you probably have more than a superficial relationship with the owner yes?  At least you've made him a boatload of money?  And wouldn't you get some push back if you tried to leave?  Who knows, maybe having that conversation about what's going on with you at work could have unexpected and good results?

[boatman]

Unfortunately, my relationship with the owner is quite superficial. Like I said, he has quite a few narcissistic traits so even after 21 years, he really knows nothing about me. I understand what you're saying, but given his personality, I don't forsee bringing it up going well at all. Unfortunately, I think I need to finish my degree and find a new job.