silent treatment again from MIL

[veronica lodge]

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I've been on here.

I would just like to get your thoughts on something as you guys understand this disorder (or at least are trying to, like me).

Background ... .

My mother in law is a non diagnosed BPD (and I think she is also a malignant narc) that has a terrible relationship with her husband.

She has three sons - I am married to the middle son - we've been together for over 20 years.

She worships her other two sons and cooks and cleans for them every day (they are both divorced and she has had a hand in destroying both relationships so that her sons rely on her & feed her needs).

She treats my father in law very badly and my father in law confides in my husband and I a lot.

My husband and I are in the "all bad" category again along with my father in law and I suspect it's because my father in law confides in us and also the fact that my husband and I are extremely independent (and don't fulfil her needs).

Her weekly texts have dropped off so that I am the only one texting her just to stay in touch (and keep the peace).

My husband has been diagnosed with a medical condition that requires rehab and she hasn't even called to see how he is.

I am extremely disappointed in her as she runs around like a headless chook for her other two sons and I am sure this is a part of her game - to show us that we mean nothing to her.

I feel like she is trying to punish us and give us the silent treatment (yet again for the millionth time).

My Question ... .

I keep texting her to show her that her cold behaviour towards us is not effecting us as I don't want her to feel power over us but am I doing the wrong thing?

I don't text her willingly, only to keep the peace as I don't want to be her next opponent as I'm sure this is what she is looking for - power and drama.

Shall I just stop and leave her alone?

Thanks guys.

[HappyChappy]

I don't text her willingly, only to keep the peace as I don't want to be her next opponent as I'm sure this is what she is looking for - power and drama.
Shall I just stop and leave her alone?

Hi Veronica lodge

I’m sorry you and your husband are having to deal with this, especially with your husband's current scenario. What you describe sounds like triangulation, and this is very common with BPD mothers. Basically they try and create jealously to get the drama going. So you’re right not to take it personally (as hard as that may be). A BPD also lacks empathy and tend to rattle cadges when people are at a low ebb (as you're more likely to give in).

If you wish to avoid being the target, a good approach is called medium chill. This is where you are paying attention (so as not to be rude) but you do not rise to any of the provocation. So emotionless and don't engage. So don't JADE ( Justify Argue Explain or Defend) at all. Harder to do for your husband as your mother in law knows his triggers. Do this for long enough someone with BPD will move onto easier targets. As you correctly point out, it’s all done to get a rise, to create drama in order to manipulate. I hope this helps and best of luck.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY VERONICA LODGE:
I'm sorry about the situation with your MIL.  I have a uBPD sister, so I have a little taste of your type of pain.  

My husband and I are in the "all bad" category again along with my father in law and I suspect it's because my father in law confides in us and also the fact that my husband and I are extremely independent (and don't fulfil her needs).

You probably won't be able to change the pattern, unless MIL decides she has a problem to work on.  

I'm sure you and your husband are holding FIL's confidences to yourselves.  As long as you don't triangulate between MIL and FIL, you are perhaps acting as a listening ear of a therapist for FIL.  

Have FIL or MIL had any therapy (singularly or together).  Has anyone in the family received treatment for any mental illness?

Her weekly texts have dropped off so that I am the only one texting her just to stay in touch (and keep the peace).

How does your "staying in touch"  with her keep the peace?  Is texting the best means for this?  If she doesn't answer, why continue?  Perhaps she gets satisfaction in you sending her texts that she can ignore?

I think texting has it's purpose, but if used as a main means of communication, it offers a lot of opportunities for misunderstanding, misinterpretation and unrealistic expectations.  Sometime, it might be advantageous to go "old fashioned" with a pwBPD.  A little handwritten note by mail, might be something to try.  Just limit it to brief pleasantries & don't give her any fuel for her fire. (i.e. a thank you note if she hosted something, a brief note to say hi and hope all is well, etc.) As HappyChappy mentioned, Medium Chill is a tactic to try.  

Unfortunately, you aren't ever going to change her, only the way you and your husband interact and react.  Best that both you and your husband are a united force in what boundaries you set and how you handle MIL. You can set a boundary to not listen to  The BIFF RESPONSE is another tool that you might find useful.

[veronica lodge]

Hi,

Thank you to both of you for your thoughts.

I actually think that we are doing the right thing, going by your suggestions.

We never repeat what my FIL tells us but my MIL knows when he has been over to our place because the youngest son tells her (because my FIL tells him).

The youngest (which is over 40) is a real snitch and tells my MIL everything.

The entire family is aware that my MIL has a mental illness, but they don't know what it is exactly and my husband and I aren't about to say anything because it will get back to my MIL and all hell will break loose.

I think that I am already doing the CHILL thing - she does respond to my texts and sometimes puts sarcastic and crazy making comments in to play mind games but I actually never ever engage or acknowledge the comments - I keep it really simple like "how has your week been, just wanted to say hi, all is well here" type thing.

Nothing personal or deep if you get my drift but just a text to show her that I am keeping in touch and above her games and manipulation.

Thanks guys, I needed the validation that what I am doing is right and I think it is.