the cycle of attachment/detachment. how did you do it/ your story

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I read a lot of posts about emotional attachment/ detachment. Everything about the npd/BPD r/s seems complex. It seems they don't want us but they don't let go easy or we struggle so hard to let go but so often crave them. As I heal from my pain, start feeling good again, build boundries I realize I learn everyday something new about npd/BPD. Today attachment/ detachment took on a whole new concept for me. I was clearly, cruelty discarded by my ex wife, she thought it would crush me, it almost did but I grew instead, learned to emotionally detach but now I can see all her attempts of contact are to keep a sick attachment. She doesn't want me, I completely detached, her contact attempts are all dehumanizing, demoralizing and ignorant. I don't respond. She wants me in the drama loop and on Friday she made that emotional contact I've been evading so well but I gave her nothing. I can clearly see how she tried to suck me in. She picked s9 up at day camp, it was my access day to get him. She did this to get reaction, keep me attached. Not that she wants me but I have cut off all contact so I had no choice but to go to her house to get s9 where she created loads of drama and got nothing out of me but cool, calm politeness. She insulted me in her good old fashion narcisstic manner and I thanked her. I have to smile as I write this bc it set her in a rage.

[bus boy]

I read a lot of posts about emotional attachment/ detachment. Everything about the npd/BPD r/s seems complex. It seems they don't want us but they don't let go easy or we struggle so hard to let go but so often crave them. As I heal from my pain, start feeling good again, build boundries I realize I learn everyday something new about npd/BPD. Today attachment/ detachment took on a whole new concept for me. I was clearly, cruelty discarded by my ex wife, she thought it would crush me, it almost did but I grew instead, learned to emotionally detach but now I can see all her attempts of contact are to keep a sick attachment. She doesn't want me, I completely detached, her contact attempts are all dehumanizing, demoralizing and ignorant. I don't respond. She wants me in the drama loop and on Friday she made that emotional contact I've been evading so well but I gave her nothing. I can clearly see how she tried to suck me in. She picked s9 up at day camp, it was my access day to get him. She did this to get reaction, keep me attached. Not that she wants me but I have cut off all contact so I had no choice but to go to her house to get s9 where she created loads of drama and got nothing out of me but cool, calm politeness. She insulted me in her good old fashion narcisstic manner and I thanked her. I have to smile as I write this bc it set her in a rage.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey bb-

I read a lot of posts about emotional attachment/ detachment. Everything about the npd/BPD r/s seems complex. It seems they don't want us but they don't let go easy or we struggle so hard to let go but so often crave them.

It can help to focus on the basics, which can take the complexity out of it.  A borderline needs an attachment to complete themselves, to make them feel whole, because they don't have a fully formed self of their own; borderlines can report they can feel like they literallly don't exist without an attachment.  And once an attachment is formed, and an attachment is a fusing of psyches, not a partnership of autonomous individuals, so once it's formed, where do you draw the line between the two people?  You don't, there isn't one, and if the partner gets too far away emotionally, the borderline fears abandonment, if the partner gets too close, the borderline fears engulfment, which is completely losing yourself in someone else, not hard to get your head around when you consider the partner has a 'self' of their own, the borderline doesn't.  So the constant and never ending negotiation of those two opposing fears is the life of a borderline, a hell on earth if you think about it, and a borderline couldn't articulate it like that because it's subconscious, it just shows up as feelings.  So she's feeling abandoned right now, because she's trying to get a rise out of you, an emotional reaction, which would mean an attachment was still in place, which would make her feel better, it doesn't work, so rage, the loss of an attachment being the worst thing that could ever happen for a borderline.  But wait, you're going WTH?  Things sucked, how could she want that after the way she treats me?  Irrelevant when coming from a place of negotiating those two fears, plus what seems chaotic and out of control to you feels normal to a borderline, so what's the problem?

Standard borderline there, apply as applicable, but sounds like you're handling it well bb.  And the good news is when a borderline doesn't get any confirmation that an attachment is still in place, and the narcissistic component doesn't get it's narcissistic supply, she will eventually stop trying, or more accurately, try elsewhere.  Take care of you!

[Rayban]

How many attachments do they need? We often read that some BPD's will be involved with several people at the same time.  Is the main attachment, the person with whom they spend the most time with? This is more in the context of a dating relationship.  I could understand in the context of living together or married to a BPD, the other person is obviously the main attachment, but what about a BPD who is seeing several people at the same time, how do they value the attachment? It would seem to me that the attachments would be interchangeable and losing one would not hurt as much? Or maybe they seek different validation from different people?

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Rayban-

How many attachments do they need? We often read that some BPD's will be involved with several people at the same time.  Is the main attachment, the person with whom they spend the most time with? This is more in the context of a dating relationship.  I could understand in the context of living together or married to a BPD, the other person is obviously the main attachment, but what about a BPD who is seeing several people at the same time, how do they value the attachment? It would seem to me that the attachments would be interchangeable and losing one would not hurt as much? Or maybe they seek different validation from different people?

It's not a number, it's a feeling, and it's not about validation, it's about feeling whole.  The feeling of attachment can be fulfilled by things other than significant relationships too, like religion or children.  But you're right, having multiple attachments could serve as insurance in case one abandons.

[Moselle]

And the good news is when a borderline doesn't get any confirmation that an attachment is still in place, and the narcissistic component doesn't get it's narcissistic supply, she will eventually stop trying, or more accurately, try elsewhere.

Well done bus boy, for maintaining your personal integrity and for providing evidence that you are no longer connected.

FHTH, Is there a Narcissistic component to every borderline which always needs a source of supply? Or just those who are co-morbid NPD?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Moselle-

FHTH, Is there a Narcissistic component to every borderline which always needs a source of supply? Or just those who are co-morbid NPD?

We can't say anything applies to every borderline, everyone's different, but it's common for some borderlines to compensate for the way BPD makes them feel my taking on narcissistic traits, acting superior because they feel inferior, and that is in no way limited to borderlines, that mindset is pretty rampant in general, you might have noticed.  But exhibiting narcissistic traits and having narcissistic personality disorder are two different things, just like all of us exhibit some of the traits of BPD some of the time.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Bus Boy

Congratulations on the progress you have made. 

Your post touches on a very important trait that directly relates to my detaching; Control.  I don't often see that word directly referred to, although it is frequently implied in the statement that; they feel out of control and have an unstable sense of self. 

One thing I really struggled with after her departure was her ever playing voice in my head telling me how to do everything - literally just about everything.  What to watch, dress up in, how to clean, what to say etc.  I am not a helpless person at all and she would frequently compliment me on many qualities of strength I have and this always created confusion for me; why do you keep telling me everything you think I do wrong and yet think I am awesome.  I now see it as her need to feel in control - by controlling me.

One of my internal darknesses in reconciling my marriage was that I mistook her wanting to control me as her love and care for me.  It is true that this was part of it, but given what I have learned about BPD, I have now reconciled my experiences and feelings to my knowledge and understanding that it is just as likely true that she was exerting her need to be in control by controlling me.  Not to be twisted, but her desire to control me is likely proof positive that she really did love me very much. 

All of that control had a safe-haven feeling for me in wanting to be needed and cared for.  Likewise a safe feeling for her in having someone to direct.  But also caused me resentment that kept interfering with what she saw as love and safety.  It has taken me up until recently to get to this understanding. 

It really really takes a lot of time and the lessons learned are digested slowly.

Good post, JRB

[LadyEm]

Based on my ex's activity on social media I could tell when I was going to get contacted. She would start posting erratic comments, first an open invitation to come meet her at some bar followed by something off the wall and funny. Then I would get a text. An hour or so later there would be a post about how she's bored because the bar is dead and needs some company. Then another text. Then a post about how she lost her mojo and if anyone finds it please return it to her. Then I would get another text. I realized then she was scrolling through her "little black book" and when no one would bite she would spiral in front of the public. It was sad to watch, but it made it clear I was just another number. That helped me detach.