Difficult day/Realization

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey,

So, basically my husband is leaving state, for good this time since I finally decided I can't go through all this anymore. I've dealt mostly with this already, but I felt so bad for my son. I thought it was due to the fact that he doesn't really understand exactly what all is going on, (he has autism) and this is part of it. But today, while he was melting down in therapy I realized something. I'm mostly hurt because his dad is abandoning him like mine did me.

Just a few days ago for school he had to draw a picture for his teacher and he chose to draw a picture of him, me and his dad. He said "My family, 3 families" and explained which one was which. This is more profound than most would understand because this is the VERY FIRST time he's ever done that, and he understood the concept of family without me mentioning anything... .I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Joy for what he was learning and chose to draw and sorrow for what's to come for him soon.

My dad used to take off all the time when I was young, no explanation, and he was never there for me. I was his and my mom's emotional support since I was really young. I never wanted that for any children I'd have, and I'm just looking at it right now, and I feel so broken. For my son, for me. I feel like through my son's abandonment I'm re experiencing my own, and realizing that I never truly dealt with it like I thought I had. I wouldn't be so emotional otherwise.

I guess I'm writing here because typically I deal with everything on my own, and that hasn't worked the way I had thought it would. Sometimes, I need someone to lean on too. Thank you for letting me have this space, even though it's all digital, it still matters. I know this will pass, and my son will be WAY better off once his dad is gone, but initially, he's going to feel abandoned, and my heart is breaking for him. He doesn't deserve any more heartache from his dad, he's already been through so much. =(

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[purekalm]

Hey,

So, basically my husband is leaving state, for good this time since I finally decided I can't go through all this anymore. I've dealt mostly with this already, but I felt so bad for my son. I thought it was due to the fact that he doesn't really understand exactly what all is going on, (he has autism) and this is part of it. But today, while he was melting down in therapy I realized something. I'm mostly hurt because his dad is abandoning him like mine did me.

Just a few days ago for school he had to draw a picture for his teacher and he chose to draw a picture of him, me and his dad. He said "My family, 3 families" and explained which one was which. This is more profound than most would understand because this is the VERY FIRST time he's ever done that, and he understood the concept of family without me mentioning anything... .I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Joy for what he was learning and chose to draw and sorrow for what's to come for him soon.

My dad used to take off all the time when I was young, no explanation, and he was never there for me. I was his and my mom's emotional support since I was really young. I never wanted that for any children I'd have, and I'm just looking at it right now, and I feel so broken. For my son, for me. I feel like through my son's abandonment I'm re experiencing my own, and realizing that I never truly dealt with it like I thought I had. I wouldn't be so emotional otherwise.

I guess I'm writing here because typically I deal with everything on my own, and that hasn't worked the way I had thought it would. Sometimes, I need someone to lean on too. Thank you for letting me have this space, even though it's all digital, it still matters. I know this will pass, and my son will be WAY better off once his dad is gone, but initially, he's going to feel abandoned, and my heart is breaking for him. He doesn't deserve any more heartache from his dad, he's already been through so much. =(

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi purekalm,

So sorry you are dealing with some difficult things.  Hard for me to have thoughts atm, so will do my best.

I relate to grieving over so many things I could not provide my son: Biodad, grandparents, any family besides myself.

With a child on the spectrum, sometimes I think that I grieved for him when he could not understand things enough to have his own grief.  Sometimes I felt guilty for getting away with him not being overly expressive as I escaped being confronted with some very tough talks that other kids would insist upon their parent.  Sometimes I just knew he could understand some aspects so clearly, and so purely, that it felt like my own pain doubled as my attempts at showing him the logic of a situation, well was far from logical, and I could hear myself failing at communicating to him what made no sense.  And sometimes I just felt the whole world was an unfair place as I realized in some matters he "overfeels" more than others and his emotional pain can be worse, very unfair imo.

This is maybe going to seem like an overgeneralization, sorry, not meant that way... .  Yet I think many parents of kids with ASD often can escape the reality that a lot of their pain that they feel for their child is actually their own pain.  Many just use the ASD label and that alone can serve to explain their pain, shielding them from their own truth.

Not sure what would be helpful, just saying I'm listening if you want to keep sharing, talking it out or such.

[Panda39]

Hi purekalm,

I just want to throw this out there... .be careful that you don't project your own feelings on to your son. 

History seems to be repeating itself and has brought up a lot of feelings you had as a child and that is informing how you are reacting to your son's situation now.  This can be both positive and negative.  You could make your son feel like a victim or you can use your past experience to show empathy for example.

Let him feel what he is going to feel... .he may or may not have the same feelings you did.  Just be there to support him as he works his way through his own situation.

Wishing you both well,
Panda39

[purekalm]

Hey Sunfl0wer,

Thanks for listening. It's easy to feel like a failure to your child when you can't provide the thing they need and are already starting out behind in other ways, but I totally get it's not all my fault. Things just happen, and he'll be so much better than when he's not around, though at first it won't be easy. I can understand your pain. It's different when you have a child who isn't "normal" and you already have to go through that grieving process and the struggle to fight for them and for yourself just changes over the years, it  never goes away. My sister who has 3 kids says she doesn't know how I do it, and she has 3 and I only have 1! I laugh and I'm like, I don't know how YOU do it. =) But honestly, being around her kids was easier for me in the beginning because they were rambunctious, intelligent, but "normal" in the loose sense of the word. =) 

Hello Panda39,

I get what you're saying, it's not going to happen. I just realized that there was some other feeling in there that I couldn't place until yesterday. I'm fully aware that my son is his own person, and he used to have a really difficult time with separation anxiety and was constantly tethered to me. I couldn't even walk out the front door without him melting down, even if I wasn't going anywhere. One of my sisters and her boyfriend had it pretty rough for the first few years they were together and she COMPLETELY projected her feelings onto her kids. Like, she was co dependent and distraught when he would leave and she thought they were over, but her kids were just like, where is he? Her mental state eventually got to them and they started acting out, "proving" she was right about them feeling the way she was... .so yeah, I've seen it happen first hand and realized what it was, just didn't have a name until I got here. =)

The thing for my son is, earlier in March when my husband left for vacation and decided to leave us by staying in that state with is family my son wasn't too aware of what was going on because he knew daddy was coming home, I had told him about it multiple times before he left so that he would know. At first, he loved doing Skype calls with his dad, and then he started saying no when I asked if he wanted to talk to him. I started looking at the screen and keeping myself out of view and saw what my son saw, his dad wasn't even paying attention to him more than half the time, constantly looking off screen. I had already heard the barely there attempts at making conversation with my son. His dad's excuse was that my son can't hardly talk anyways, but anyone with half a heart knows that doesn't matter. You talk because you love them and care about them and want them to know. Even a child who can't always respond, they are still hearing what's going on and internalize your actions and tone more than anything.

Now though, my son has started asking for him all throughout the day when he's a work. He keeps randomly saying that daddy's coming, tries harder to get his dad's attention when he is home, even tried to help his dad by explaining to the best of his ability (which has improved greatly!) what he was asking for his dad's help on, and of course drawing the picture I mentioned and telling everyone that he has "3 families". His understanding of family and his love for his dad is what has got me feeling bad for him. He's really gonna know this time and I know he's going to be upset. For a while I plan on him acting out a bit, but I know he'll calm down and settle into the fact he'll no longer have that high stress person constantly around and since his dad will be away he'll get "the best he can" of him. It just hurts to see him go through even more because of his dad, since he already put him through so much.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Fie]

Hello Purekalm,
If it's worth anything, I can relate very much to what you are writing here. I have a 8 year old daughter and me and her dad are separated. I remember how sad I felt for her the  first years (and unfortunately, how much projecting I did).
I don't have any experience with autistic children (though I think my daughter's dad is asperger or something). But I do think one of the most important things here is talking to your kid about how daddy leaving is NOT the fault of your son. All children think it is, because they feel like the world revolves around them. You can explain that daddy has 'problems in his brain' or something, which make that he cannot take good care of others. You should also assure your kid that you DON'T have  problems like that, so that you will always  be  there for him, no matter what. I am sure there must be books for children about that. Reading a book together will make it easier to talk about it, and  it will also show your son that he's not alone in this  situation.
Once that sinks through, I am 100% convinced that your child will be fine. You already pointed out that you might be  projecting your own past on your him. That is so great that you are realizing that. I wish I had been that mature at the time.
Do you think it's a good idea for your son to see a children's psychologist ?

It's easy to feel like a failure to your child when you can't provide the thing they need and are already starting out behind in other ways, but I totally get it's not all my fault.

Also here, I relate so much to this feeling. My whole FOO is totally messed up, and I didn't manage to stay together with my daughter's father. So yes, I also felt sad and bad about that.
But this feeling is totally and utterly misplaced. Children don't NEED unhealthy family members, and they don't  NEED their parents to be together. They need happy people around them, and those do not necessarily have to be family. Do you have some friends that you frequently see and can rely on ?

When I look at my daughter now and see what a happy child she is, I am realizing how much time I wasted  feeling bad for nothing.
xx

[purekalm]

Hey Fie,

Just being able to relate, reading and responding helps. Thank you.

While I appreciate your suggestions, I can't say that his "daddy has problems in his brain" because, so does my son. Autism is a neurodevelopmental (neurological) disorder. In other words, in his brain. If I said that to him, he would remember (he remembers everything) and then he would think there was also something wrong with him. He also (my son) has some sensory/anxiety and some ocd tendencies among other things, so that would communicate a very disturbing message to him. Also, he has the majority of the issues that I have had and some tendencies I still do,(also have dealt with and managed depression without meds since I was 15) so basically, I can't say there is nothing wrong with my brain.   Just because someone has issues doesn't mean that they cannot be there for someone. I think it's a discouraging message to communicate that anyone with a mental issue is not safe or a good person to be around, because it's simply not true. There are varying degrees to everything.

He already knows without a doubt who loves and cares for him by who's there when he's feeling sad, when he's hurt, how he's treated when he's angry or having a meltdown, (sensory overload, can't cope) who is nice to him and takes care of him. He's by no means unintelligent, and he has a huge heart. That last part is why I worry, because there's no filter on his love, it's unconditional. So, he will be hurt, but he will also know that I'm there. =) I am also convinced he'll be fine, it's his pain that I can't do much to alleviate by a person who was supposed to be there for him is what hurts. I haven't actually projected onto him. Since my parents made me their counselor at a young age, I try to take extra precautions that he doesn't do the same for me. I want him to be responsible for himself and care for others in as healthy a way as possible. Concerning the psychologist, I think he will be fine at the moment. If he regresses or any of the like I will definitely consider it. Thank you.

Yeah, my FOO isn't the healthiest either, at all. Everyone has kind of cooled down a bit since they've been on their own and stuff, but it'll never be great. I take the best of what I can from them you know? I agree they don't need unhealthy family members, but I think there is a lot to keeping the parental unit together and unified. In our cases, that wasn't possible. There's only so much one parent can do when the other refuses to be healthy or get the help they need to be healthy. That kind of parent a child doesn't need around, because it's toxic. My son gets highly stressed when his dad is around. It's so sad, but it's also so true. =(

I currently don't have any friends at all. I know that sounds awful. At the time I might've made some at the church I was going to they could no longer handle my son. He was getting louder so I couldn't keep him in service without him interrupting. I've been trying to find a place for us. I hope that I can get him in some type of group or something as well that he can do at least once a week and hopefully make some friends of his own. Due to finances and other disasters I haven't been able to do the best this past couple years, but things are changing, and a lot of good is going to come out of it.

Well, I don't think you felt bad for nothing! I think you were generally thinking of her future and what it could mean with all the changes and what you lacked for her. Obviously, you've done a great job because she's happy. That's the best feeling, knowing that you made it through, and because you did so did they.    It's always going to be a difficult road for me it seems, but with God, I can do anything! =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Fie]

Hello again,

I can't say that his "daddy has problems in his brain" because, so does my son.

I read you.
But what I meant is, 'daddy has problems in his brain that make that he cannot take care of you'. I totally agree that your son has problems in his brain too (autism), but frankly, everyone has to some degree, me too  :-)
Describing it this way to my daughter just gives her the opportunity to realize it's in the other person's head (her grandma), not in anything my daughter herself does / is. Like, transporting the problem from her to her grandma. So I'm trying to describe it visually for her. Making a drawing also helped to visualize it.
But it might not do the job for your son, and I am sure you know what is best for him, of all people.

It does not sound aweful that you don't have friends at the moment. Sometimes we are limited by life's circumstances. Do you see opportunities to meet people ? Or are you  not up for that at the  moment ?

[purekalm]

Hey again Fie,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I know that's true! Just not everyone will admit it. Yeah, I get what you are saying there about mentioning that it's not all brain problems just this one that makes it the way things are.

Yeah, even though I took on all my family's problems and got an ulcer as a result when I was a kid, for some reason, I didn't think of that. Thank you for reminding me, that's very important. I don't want him to think it's his fault at all. Especially because to me, my stbxh has mentioned things about my son not being normal and not being able to handle it. He still hasn't accepted his diagnosis, and it's sad. He acts like my son can do things that he can't and he's just pretending not to be able to. Oooh, that gets me so fired up I just want to knock him out with that crap.

There is opportunities and all, I just, I don't know. I'm not one for the social construct of today I guess. I don't like all the nonsensical chitchat and constant battle to see who's the better parent. The looks and whisperings and downright badmouthing if my son has a meltdown or doesn't do what's "average" for his age. Plus, there's the whole I don't have a home of my own thing. Since I share it with my parents and they like being hermits I can't very well invite anyone over, and there's nothing to do here anyways because there's no yard or anything, just my son's toys. I walk everywhere I can because we have no vehicle, but I definitely am going to just suck up my own difficulties and misgivings because I want my son, (who loves everybody) to be around more people, and especially more kids. Going to the park is great, but most kids don't understand and try to or actually do treat him bad. And then there's the part where my son will copy bad behavior and be the only one in trouble for it... .but the positives outweigh the negatives. Just sometimes, depending on the battles I've already fought that morning I simply can't handle the issues at/leaving the park.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I will make sure to reinforce that this whole thing is not his fault. Just have to figure out the right wording for him. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm