Court next Tuesday

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's down to court a week away. Still haven't heard a word from ex. He hasn't even filed any of the papers he is supposed to like a proposed parenting plan, financial affidavit, USO, nothing. I can't imagine he plans to just stay out of daughter's life, otherwise I would think he wouldn't stay around here. I am asking for sole legal custody at this point. Us sharing joint legal custody is essentially blocking any decision making that could be done as he doesn't even speak to me.  I am also asking for him to have supervised parenting time and to be ordered to take a parenting class if he chooses to be in daughter's life again. I can't imagine how court is going to go.

[rarsweet]

It's down to court a week away. Still haven't heard a word from ex. He hasn't even filed any of the papers he is supposed to like a proposed parenting plan, financial affidavit, USO, nothing. I can't imagine he plans to just stay out of daughter's life, otherwise I would think he wouldn't stay around here. I am asking for sole legal custody at this point. Us sharing joint legal custody is essentially blocking any decision making that could be done as he doesn't even speak to me.  I am also asking for him to have supervised parenting time and to be ordered to take a parenting class if he chooses to be in daughter's life again. I can't imagine how court is going to go.

[Turkish]

He's defying the court at this point it sounds like.  Let them deal with him.  It sounds like your case is strong,  if not obvious. 

[rarsweet]

When I was putting together, printing, all of our old texts and emails. I felt sick. Time helps you forget. The craziness and abuse just reshocked me. At one point he said" thank you for everything you do for our daughter. I am proud of you. I know she is well taken care of" 3 days later he emailed " you disgust me. Your actions disgust me. You are not a good mother, if you want to call yourself that. Start making better decisions please". This was last March. I am dreading having to deal with that again.

[rarsweet]

Emails about my mother " thank your mom for everything she does for daughter" " your mom has really stepped up in my time of need" "you and your mom are just trying to be masterminds, you two are two of the most untrustworthy people I know". About his friend who he was staying with when he took off " thank you for staying in touch with friend. She showed me Your videos of daughter. You are doing a good job with her" A month later " leave friend out of this. She isnt going to pick your side".When I forwarded him his texts about how he didnt want his dad around our daughter, that he would take legal action of he had to. His response was "I dont care if I said something bad about the president. It has noothing to do with now." When my boss and landlord said they saw him working.  I emailed and asked him to update his financial affidavit of he was working. " your best bet is to worry about you and I'll worry about me. You are not the person to boss me around" When he followed my friend and I emailed that the police would be called if he did it again. " I know how you are. Please decoy some time to our daughter instead of coming up with all this stuff. Trust me if I followed friend she would have called the cops. "About my coworker he flipped out on " tell your little friend she better stop running her mouth of she wants to keep her job".

[ForeverDad]

If he does not provide income or other information, remind the court they can 'impute' his income in line with his earning potential.  He will be and do what he is and does.  It is what it is, you can't change him.  You can't make him own his actions, you can only own your own actions and change yourself.  You can't force him to produce information, so do the best you can and let the court deal with him.

Probably best not to contact him for anything other than parenting information.  Did he follow your co-worker to get a reaction out of you?  It could be that he is seeking reactions from you. Let your co-worker turn to the police.  Likely a visit or two from the police may be a more powerful incentive for him to stop than your responses.

[david]

Do you have tax returns from before you separated ? It might help in determining income if he has nothing to show.

[rarsweet]

He only worked for a year out of the last 8. We met in 2012, he started working, lasted 12 months. In that 12 months he made $42,000. He got diagnosed with carpal tunnel, had surgery, didn't return to work so they fired him. He sued. Got $32,000 in January 2014. Then he got unemployment after that until it ran out last November. He was getting $427 a week while on unemployment. Daughter was born in 2014. He has never paid for a single thing, never even bought a crib even though he had 50/50 from 7 weeks old until 13 months. His car got repossess in June. He keeps couch hopping.

[rarsweet]

The coworker he followed was back in April. I think he just tried to weasel himself into my circle. My coworker said she ran into him in a store, he started talking about how horrible I am, she said he actually started crying. She turned and left he followed her out and got in his car and followed her for awhile. The other coworker he sent a friends request and basically slandered me to her. She sent me a screen shot of what he was saying. I sent it to him and told him to back off. He then went into my work and flipped out on her and then made a complaint about her to our boss. My boss is aware of the situation and told us to just ignore him. Ex then e-mailed me threatening her job when our boss didnt fire her. Its so odd. He comes in almost every weekend for coffee, doesnt say a word to anyone, not even other customers. He just throws his money down and leaves. I go through the motions and say the things I have to to any customer. And he is just silent.

[rarsweet]

I am really not concerned about child support. I don't think he will ever pay anything. My issue is that our current USO says that we alternate tax years. Next year he gets to claim daughter. He hasn't supported her in any way for all of this year. He has only had 1 hour of contact in March and about an hour and a half in July. Between January 1st and February 13th, when he took off, he only had a few hours at a time 2 or 3 days a week.  I would be more than willing to sign a no support order if I got the tax exemption every year. My other issue going into court next week is that I am asking for supervised visitation and parenting classes. I have proposed a step up plan. I am trying to look ahead at future problems and avoid going to court over and over. We have two family resource centers in our town. They do supervised visits, parenting classes, child development classes, attachment parenting, etc. The next closest place is hours away. My hope is for him to get some support and education now, rather than us keep going to court and then having to get help when she is older. Of course I realize there may be no help for him, but I feel like I need to offer and suggest something, I can't just say he will never be a father. I am now on the Board of Directors for one facility and I have been a client of the other and now am involved in another community program that they are part of. I am guessing he is going to complain that he shouldn't go to these places since I am involved with them. I cannot physically get daughter to another facility hours away, without losing my job. On top of it all I really hate not knowing what I am up against. He hasn't filed anything so I can't anticipate. My guess is that he is either going to no show for court or show up and demand 50/50 time.

[david]

It used to be said here a lot several years ago, "negative engagement is still engagement". It took a while for that to sink into my head and I got better in understanding all the nuances that statement made as time went on.
 
I went food shopping once and a woman came up to me and started talking as if I knew her. She realized I didn't know who she was and asked me to guess. I had no clue. She started giving me clues and I realized she worked with my ex. She told me to stay away from her because she is a very angry person. She told me all kinds of things that my ex was saying about me all of which were untrue. She even told me that my ex liked to say she wanted to rip my eyeballs out and smash them with her shoe. I listened and simply said that we were no longer married and I hoped my ex finds peace.

For several years I had people coming up to me and tell me what ex was saying and that they didn't believe her/they thought she had some kind of issue/she was a very angry person/etc. I never mentioned any of it to my ex because that would be engaging with her. If I engaged with her I was rewarding her behavior and she would continue.
 
Courts look at what happened the last six months or so. If you have it documented that he doesn't see daughter I don't think the courts would be willing to allow 50/50 instantly. He would have to prove his ability and desire as a parent.

I wrote the majority of our current custody order. Perhaps you can write it and exclude what you want out. The IRS rules that the party with majority overnights gets the tax exemption. Since I got 50/50 I have used the deduction since ex has always given me much more time for various reasons. I have it all in emails. Ex has threatened to take me back to court. I only replied one time suggesting she talk to her attorney and a tax accountant to figure out the rules. I don't think she has but that is her issue not mine. I would let him bring it up in court otherwise I would just give the judge your written order for the judge to sign off on. Your ex might not even realize what happened and he would have to take you back to court to change that. I would run it by your attorney since I am not an attorney. If you have an attorney there I am sure he/she can handle it in such a way that ex will not understand what is happening.

If he objects to the parenting classes because you are involved with the ones close by then make it okay for him to go to the one hours away for the things he can do there by himself and the rest, with daughter, will be done close by. I would think the judge would be fine with supervised visitation close by as long as you are not directly involved. Remember you can not get daughter to the hour away facility without jeopardizing your employment.

[Turkish]

raresweet,

It seems like you are preparing for the worst case, which is good.  What I mean is that he swoops in and is granted joint custody.  Though it doesn't sound very likely,  it's good that you are prepared.  Given his Instability,  it sounds very unlikely he's young to show up to court as the next incarnation of Perry Mason.  

Though you mentioned in the past something about your state's laws meaning that you had to make every reasonable effort to involve him,  you've done more than enough (not my legal advice,  just my observation). It's time to step back and let the court handle him.  The evidence of your life speaks for itself,  as does his.  If he even shows up,  what is he going to present?  

Focus on you,  your daughter,  and staying safe.  It sounds like you have a lot of people behind you.  

[rarsweet]

Do you think the Judge will continue with joint legal decision making? If the man won't even speak to me he's just obstructing any decision making. I want to switch her pediatrician. The one she has is 45 minutes away and the next state over. Luckily she is very healthy. She hasnt even had a cold since ex was around. I've only had to bring her to her well child visit there. Her dentist and eye doctor are here, thankfully. Last spring I told ex that I would like to switch her to a closer doctor. His response was that if I would be willing to meet him he would discuss it. A week later he filed the ex parte motion because I wouldn't let him take daughter hours away to his neices birthday party after not seeing her for a month. When he notified me via email that he was filing an ex parte he said also " oh by the way I don't agree to switch doctors you just don't like him". He can't reasonably make a decision. He knows it would be much easier for me to have a doctor here, and just wants to obstruct it. He also refused to hear anything about the private school I asked him to tour with me. They will not enroll daughter without both of us signing off. Its a preschool through 12th grade private school 10 minutes from me. The cost of it will be no more than I spend on my part time sitter now. I am not even asking for him to pay any part of it. The only other option for preschool here is public head start and the spots are limited and section 8 households get priority. Otherwise there are only daycares until kindergarden.  This school also has a 0% dropout rate. Our public school has a 40% dropout rate. Joint legal decision making would be one thing if we just didnt agree on some things, but it's an impossibility when one person will not even speak to the other.

[david]

All that information needs to be presented to the judge. Having facts and figures, drop out rate, you paying for the entire thing (maybe you can suggest he can pay for some to feel included in the spirit of co parenting). This is all looking for the best interest of the child. The fact that he refuses to sign off on the school should be reason enough to give you decision making authority. He will need to show why his refusal makes sense. Let him squirm in court.

[rarsweet]

Off to court. I still haven't received any paperwork or contact from ex.

[rarsweet]

And David, his response to me about the school issue was that daughter is smart and always will be, and that I should be more concerned with her seeing her dad than spending time figuring out school stuff.

[david]

So if your daughter is smart then why can't we send her to a better school system. It would only help her. That is a parenting decision, which, you tried to include him in, and he refused to even discuss. Let him explain that to the judge if he shows.
 
Outside of court. He has the facts and didn't want to talk about it. My guess is because you suggested it. That is what my ex does all the time. I have learned, in some circumstances, how to make hints about something and having it become ex's idea. Then she suggests it and I agree. It makes her feel good. Problem is that takes time (weeks of planning) in order to accomplish something simple. It would be much easier to just do what you think is best, communicate what you are doing, and if he has reasonable objections, to let you know so you can co parent.

[rarsweet]

Well that was a joke, in and out in an hour instead of four.

[Panda39]

Did he show?  How did it go?

[rarsweet]

     He showed up exactly on time. However he didn't have any paperwork done. The clerks made him do a financial affidavit. They were trying to get him to do a Parenting Plan, a Uniform Support Order, a Parenting decree, he argued with them for 15 minutes, making the judge wait. He didn't do the other papers, they gave up.
   I never even got to call a witness. He didn't have a single person with him. Every question he was asked he just ranted and rambled. At one point the judge stopped him and asked him if he could even remember what the question was. He tried to basically say that I have kept daughter from him. I then presented and read in court emails where I offered him time over and over. I read emails where he says I am disgusting, and then I read emails where he says he misses me. I read an email where he says that daughter is always well taken care of with me and then 3 days later accuses me of putting her in danger every day. Every time the judge asked him how he proposed to get back into his daughter's life he would ramble. He said that I sit at a park early in the morning and watch him. He said my coworkers follow him around taking pictures.He actually said he was afraid I would print out his social media stuff and hang it around town. On and On. The judge was like "ok what about your daughter."
     He was crying about how hard his life has been because he got a flat tire. Yes . The judge again asked him if he was on drugs. He admitted to starting a job in May. He said his coworkers are his biggest support system, they are going to help him get an apartment and a lawyer. He admitted to getting his car repossessed. He said that he never told the investigator that I stole it from him but he went on and on about me helping the investigator find it. Finally the judge said "ok what is your plan, how are you going to get back in your daughter's life, what do you propose?" His answer was "For starters her seeing her dad". The judge said "How? When?", and then he started rambling again about how hard his life is. He called our daughter his "mini me". He said during the first year of her life they had the best time, they did everything together, he did everything for her. It was bizarre. He said I get my coworkers to harass him when he comes into my work. But then talked about going there twice a week for coffee.
     The judge said he will order a restraining order barring us from any contact unless it is in email and only about daughter or we will face criminal contempt charges. I really feel that this was his way of equalizing the situation and tried not to come off bias. The judge got what was going on. I just sat back and let him be paranoid, delusional, voice shaking, mumbling, let him slam his hands on the table, shove his chair back. The judge asked him if he had gone to any counseling. He said that he hadn't but that he would. At one point ex's exact words were "she acts like I am supposed to have an apartment, there is nothing saying I have to have an apartment, there is nothing saying I can't stay with friends." This from a 37 year old man!
   The judge finally asked him if he would take his parenting time if he ordered it to be supervised. Ex finally said yes. That was it, we now wait for the order.

[rarsweet]

The security also has some issue with him. I showed up 15 minutes early. The guards asked me if I had a restraining order or felt unsafe. I said no. When ex walked in one guard nudged the other and said "that's him". You have to go through a waiting room with a metal detector first. One guard told him to go the clerk's window. While he was up there the guards didn't take their eyes off him. When we went into court the guard sat next to me, even though there is a chair on both sides. The guard walked right beside me when I left. At some points while ex was mumbling the guard was snickering and had to look down. At a previous hearing the guard asked me if I felt safe walking outside by myself. Another time the guard stood in the courtroom right between us and never sat down. I think they can tell by his demeanor that he isn't safe.

[david]

So make sure he gets supervised visitation only. Sounds like the judge got it loud and clear. Keep that judge, if possible, for all future court dates.

[rarsweet]

He is the only family judge here. It was funny. He actually said "I have 13 more years on the bench, I don't want to see you guys in here 3 times a year until then"

[rarsweet]

Forgot to mention he cried to the Judge because after his car was repossessed he had to pay 3k for a new car. This from the man who hasnt supported his child in anyway. Then he whined because I want the tax exemption this year.

[david]

This was one thing that worked for me. My ex ran away in 2007. I have emails from late 2007 until now. Every now and then I go back to the early emails and read them. Not many. It reminds me of where I was and where I am now. I no longer shake my head in disbelief or try to figure it out. I accept my ex for who she is. There is no pleasing some people.
My ex used to "win" in court. I learned the rules of the game and found a good attorney. She doesn't "win" anymore so she stopped taking me to court. She threatens me through email occasionally but nothing more. I view it as a boundary. She gets no reward anymore so she stopped. That may be the direction you find too once you get everything straightened out for you and your child.
The judge ordering email only communication is really good. Remember you only have to answer things that pertain to your child and even then you can be discriminating. My ex used to send an email about something that was about our boys but I really didn't need to respond to. For a while she would send an email saying something like, "S9 said you scare him blah, blah, blah". In 2007 I would respond and say I wasn't sure what she was talking about or say it wasn't true and explain why. Basically I was engaging. I stopped second guessing myself when she says something I know is untrue and ignore it completely. There have been numerous times when I ignore the email and find out later by one of the boys what really happened in a conversation they bring up. I say nothing to them about what their mom said but it reinforces my belief that she is living in some distorted reality from the rest of us.

[Turkish]

  Basically I was engaging.

This is what's reinforced in the Parenting classes we're taking: responding to attention seeking behaviors rewards the acting-out child. Ignoring or being bland (not reacting in kind) is valid. 

[rarsweet]

From now on I will be sure to not engage. I will also be sure to motion for contempt as soon as he breaks the communication order. The judge specifically said our communication shall be about daughter only or we will face criminal contempt charges. I feel he was giving me an option, leaving a door open. I know ex isnt capable of sticking to it. I am just hoping the Judge gives me sole legal custody, but I fear he will give ex another chance to sink of swim. The parenting plan I proposed was a step up plan. In 12 week icrements for a year. The first is only supervised time and then if I feel he is safe move on to the next. 12 weeks with once a week visits with a parenting educator and once a week 2 hours unsupervised. After that twice a week for 2 hours unsupervised. After that once a week for 6 hours and once a week for 2 hours. Then we must try to reach an agreement ourselves about a future plan or go back to court. I fear the Judge will keep is having joint legal custody until the year expired to see if he can shape up or not. I dont think ex will be capable or willing to follow the plan
 The judge did specifically ask ex if he would follow my plan if it was ordered. So I think the Judge will adopt it.