The Fairy Tale Aspect

[woundedPhoenix]

What i have come to realise lately is that my BPD relationship was built on a fairytale.

Two people coming together and throwing all they got into making a relationship that has it all.
An escape from reality in a way, where the honeymoon fase just made all our dreams come through, almost overnight.
Months of thrills and romance, where no one could do any wrong, and both partners played out their ideal selves towards eachother.
A period of long nights of sex, drugs, rock and roll and romance creating the illusion of deep and eternal love.
The sort of love that is meant to be.

But... .It's too damn hard to keep that up throughout a relationship.
It feels wonderfull but also takes an enormous amount of energy and kind of erodes other areas of your life.

So... slowly reality starts to kick in again. There are things to do in the real world except being totally in love.
The ideal selves slowly fade away to address reality and the first cracks and negative traits are revealed.

And i guess this is where things start to go wrong.

A non may be looking for a fantasy to feel good, but has learned somewhat to face reality as well.
A BPD IS living a fantasy, and can't really deal with reality, love for them is the ultimate escape from reality.

And when the love fantasy and reality start to conflict eachother, it's impossible for a BPD to handle that.
They don't know how to handle reality, except in trying to become extremely controlling of it.
The non may even have entered the relationship to somewhat loose control of reality instead.

And this sets up a dynamic that kind of slowly destroys the Fairy Tale that started it all,
as both partners slowly drift away into power play and blaming eachother for not matching the fantasy no longer.
Things will go back and forth between recapturing the Fairy Tale and Reality,
but each time the Fairy Tale will loose a bit of it's magic, and a nightmare resulting from frustrations slowly takes it's place.

Devaluation finally is the only way to cope with this loss of Fantasy, cause the BPD doesn't have enough self-awareness to look inside,
so it must eventually be the partner that killed the Fairy Tale.

[heartandwhole]

Hi woundedPhoenix,

I like the way you describe the Fairy Tale and resonate with a lot of what you wrote. My relationship with pwBPD had a big dose of fantasy in it, as we were long distance (it probably would have despite that, too). Looking back now, I feel that I wanted the relationship to get me "unstuck" in my life in general. I think I wanted it to distract me from having to closely examine what I was doing, what I wanted, etc. I had also just come out of a very unsatisfying relationship which I believed was something much more than it actually turned out to be. So I was really ripe for that Fairy Tale.

Looking back now, I feel that the intense emotions and fantasy of "you and me as everything to each other" came from a very unhealthy place; even from a place of past trauma. Now, I have zero longing for a repeat of that, as intoxicating as it was at the time.

I find it amazing how much change and growth and learning we humans are capable of. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

heartandwhole

[Wood stock]

Wounded: I REALLY loved your post here, and it is just what I needed to hear today to keep me strong and focused on making myself whole again. Thank you!

[Larmoyant]

Hi WP, I remember the struggles when reality reared its head and him trying to avoid it at all costs. It’s this that made me leave.

As for my fantasy thinking, I also see it as coming from a place of past trauma. Trying to right the wrongs of the past. I'm sure that's why I kept going back despite all the betrayal, the rages, push/pull, etc. Kept trying, hoping things would get better and instead getting hurt over and over again. Maybe letting go of the fantasy is the key to freedom.

But, why do pwBPD have such a struggle with reality? Is it trauma based?

[rfriesen]

Well put, WP.

Some time after the fairy tale had taken a dark turn with my ex and I was trying to pull free from the relationship, she said to me, "You know, rfriesen, I put everything of myself into this relationship and it's going to be f***ing hard to accept that it didn't work out."

Which is, of course, a perfectly fair statement and one any of us could make as a relationship breaks up. But in the context of our relationship, I believe this was my ex telling me she had put so much into the fairy tale, and we had gone so deep into the idealisation, that she now expected I had to stay with her no matter what. I think my ex senses on an intuitive level that she needs to make the fairy tale/idealisation part of a relationship intense and powerful in order to insure that the person she's with will stick with her through hell if need be. Because it always comes to that, and having pulled someone in so tight, she feels relatively safe when things turn dark -- or if not safe, she's at least the one dictating the day-to-day (or hour-to-hour) mood of the relationship.

I suppose in simple terms this is all to say she gets her hooks in early and makes sure you're ready to tend to her as needed once she can no longer hold her rage and pain in. Of course it all blows up and hurts her just as much as anyone else. What a painful mess, really.

[woundedPhoenix]

But, why do pwBPD have such a struggle with reality? Is it trauma based?

Reality is boring. It's a drag. And it feels totally empty for a BPD, or else totally painfull.
It is partially trauma based but also cause they couldn't develop an independant self early on,
and didn't learn how to self sooth. So they need external things to sooth them.

[woundedPhoenix]

Well put, WP.

Some time after the fairy tale had taken a dark turn with my ex and I was trying to pull free from the relationship, she said to me, "You know, rfriesen, I put everything of myself into this relationship and it's going to be f***ing hard to accept that it didn't work out."

I get this now. I always wondered why she said "I gave it all i had, and you took it for granted". it's a statement that i didn't agree with at all, i gave more then ever before.

But, in BPD logic, a lover CAN totally change their character and sacrifice everything about them to satisfy a partner.
They have a sixth sense to scan what you want and be that for you. This mirroring is a huge investment on their part.

The non on the other hand is mostly him or her self, and will feel pressured to give more and more, be his best self,
but cannot mind read or go totally against character like a BPD can to keep a lover interested.