Back to school

[Thunderstruck]

First of all, I want to say how proud I am of SD11. She has been amazing in how she has handled the stress of transitioning to middle school and switching classes (even with the uncertainty from uBPDbm trying to change her school out of the district). SD11 has been amazing. Her schedule this year is pretty tough... .3 advanced classes and a language, the only non-homework class is band and she's never played an instrument before so that's a whole new experience as well.

uBPDbm, however, has been a big fail. She gave up two of her parenting days last week, claimed to have to "work" but really went to Orlando to go to the theme parks (gee uBPDbm, great, I'm sure SD11 would have liked to go too, too bad you couldn't have arranged your trip for the week prior when SD11 was still on summer break. eyeroll emoji). We've had SD11 for the past 9 days in a row. During one of those days was a band parent meeting that uBPDbm of course didn't attend. Monday was open house for the school (we got to follow SD11's schedule around and meet all the teachers and hear a little spiel from them) and uBPDbm of course didn't go. Today is uBPDbm's first school day with SD11 and she asked SD11 if she wanted to be pulled out of school early. UGH! SD11's reply was "No, I want to be picked up at the normal time. I don't want to miss anything." SO PROUD OF HER!   That was an awesome mature response. I'm telling you, I think she is really maturing and going to shine in middle school.

Of course, just a few days before school started we were talking about who is going to buy what (uBPDbm bought a backpack, we bought school supplies) and uBPDbm asked who would buy sneakers, we asked her to... .she flipped out saying that she should have SD11 the majority of the time because DH refuses to pay for SD11's needs and SD11 likes it better with her mom. Of course, this was minutes after we sent her a message saying we paid $50 for medication for SD11 and asking for uBPDbm's reimbursement of her portion (per the CO), and reminding her that her tally on unreimbursed expenses is now about $250. Then uBPDbm says to SD11 that she got eyelash extensions last week. eyeroll emoji. Well good luck with your justification for full custody, uBPDbm, but I don't think a judge would agree with your reasoning.

[david]

I don't even try to figure out who pays for what. Both our boys needed clothes, sneakers, etc for school. I took them out and got all of it. Never mentioned a thing to ex. Couldn't see the point of engaging with her.
Kudos to SD11. I noticed as our boys got older ex lost her "control" with them. I honestly think she would like to have a better relationship with them but is unable to see her part in it since she is the perfect mom.
My ex went to Colorado last week when the boys were with me and two weeks before that went down the shore (we live on the east coast). Funny thing is neither one of our boys would want to go with her anyway. Two years ago she took them to Disney and they both said it was horrible. All she did was what she wanted to do and they were not allowed to suggest or do anything. How do you take kids to Disney and they do not enjoy it ?

[Thunderstruck]

I don't even try to figure out who pays for what. Both our boys needed clothes, sneakers, etc for school. I took them out and got all of it. Never mentioned a thing to ex. Couldn't see the point of engaging with her.

We would do that, but it would step on uBPDbm's toes. She actually likes to make a big show out of buying SD11 her backpack every year (this year she bought two and claimed the one cost $80  ?). First day of school is one of the few times a year that she tries to play mother of the year. So we do the drudge work (and expensive, yuck) of buying the supplies and let uBPDbm do the backpack. Each house buys their own clothes/uniforms. This year she asked about shoes ("will you buy them or should I?" so we said you go ahead and do it, which resulted in a crage.

[bravhart1]

Good for SD putting her foot down when mom tried to marginalize the importance of school!

Our experience with BPDm's is that these "mothers of the year" types, aka BPDm's tend to disengage as soon as the kids have or show their own opinions. Once their power is shown to be normal and not omnipotent they don't want to face it.

[david]

We had court ordered co parent counseling a few years back. It was once a week for 10 months. The third meeting ex brought up the fact that our oldest needed a school bag and I was harassing her about it... I simply emailed her to ask if she was buying him one because his was falling apart. She said yes. Three weeks later I sent another email asking her the same question. Apparently I was harassing her by sending a second email.
Ex had an issue with the one S15 picked out. He found one online that cost only $35.00 and the reviews were all excellent as to usability and durability. She didn't like the name of it. It was called an assault rucksack. It met some kind of military specification for strength and durability. It was black in color and not camouflage. It was only $35.00 instead of the store bought ones for twice that or more. She said I was harassing her and she had no intention of buying that school, bag because of the name. The counselor said that was fine and that the rules in both houses could be different and we had to accept that. Ex then turned around and said to me that if I wanted to buy it I could but she wanted nothing to do with it. I simply asked if she was going to buy him a school bag since his was falling apart. She then repeated that she was not buying that school bag and that I could.  I replied that I didn't think that was a good idea since I have been accused many times of undermining her parental authority and if I bought that bag I would be doing exactly what she has accused me of many times before.
The counselor looked at me and said that he didn't think these sessions would be productive and asked me if I wanted to stop. I questioned him because the court order said 10 months. He said he could write a letter to the judge and I would okay. I said fine, shook his hand, and left. Saved me lots of money.
This site used to say years back, "negative engagement is still engagement". That has taken a deeper and deeper meaning the longer I have had to deal with ex.