Narcissism strikes yet again

[javieira]

One of these days I will stop expecting unselfish behavior from my daughter, but today is not yet that day.
DD is leaving for her freshman year of college (6 hours away) today.  I cannot go with her and my husband to move her in due to the fact that I work at a school and it is our first week of classes.  There is no way I could take off for a day and a half to make the move. She has been aware of this and has been understanding of the situation.
Yesterday was her last day of her summer job and she asked if she could go out with a new friend for a "little while" after she got off of work at 2:30. We said that was fine and reminded her of the things she still had to do at home before leaving today. At 5:30 we texted her and asked her if we should wait for her for dinner and she said not to wait. At 9:00, we texted her and asked where she was and when she would be home because I wanted the chance to see her before she left for school.  She told us that she wouldn't be home until 1AM and I would just have to deal with it because she had plans. So, I didn't get to see her, didn't get to hug her and wish her well. She will just disappear from our house before I even get home this afternoon without so much as a "goodbye".
This is the norm. I shouldn't be crushed, but I am... .again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[javieira]

Update:
My husband drove her to my job and walked her to my office so I could say goodbye to her.  She was not happy about it and would only speak to me in one-word answers. At least I got to see her, (attempt to)talk to her, and hug her and she will leave knowing that I love her... .even if she drives me crazy.

[Lollypop]

Hi javeira

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. I've often reeled around with my own emotions following something my BPDs25 had done or not done - in equal measure. As much as I could never get things right regarding him, he also struggled to get it right with us.

If my BPDs was in your daughters situation and brought before me in work I believe he would have behaved the same way. Highly excited and nervous he'd want to spend the last of his hours with his friends, certainly not with us at home where he'd know we'd be talking about it making him even more emotional. He'd feel very guilty about his behaviour the following day, a mixture of how he knew he'd hurt me and shame then to cope he'd tell himself he didn't give a xxxx.

You're right about another lost moment. We all will have them whether it's prom, graduation, wedding; there's many we may miss. It's very sad.

I find time passing helps me reflect on the situation. Your daughter is going to need you to be strong as she settles into a new regime. She's done marvellously well to carry on with her education. Sadly my BPDs25  dropped out but I'm hopeful he'll choose to do something eventually.

Hugs to you. It's not easy. Try not to dwell on it and enjoy the freedom.

[dkgreg2002]

Hi javeira
Instead of saying I'm sorry you are hurting, I'm going to say I'm sorry your daughter is hurting you.  You have a right to be hurt.  My daughter has BPD and has done a lot of things that have really hurt.  She lies a lot, and then when she does tell the truth, I feel guilty for not believing her.  I need to find a way to get over that guilt, because not believing someone who lies to you is a normal reaction.  She also steals from me.  I am once again flat broke.  No money for bills, etc... .  She recently said she was going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist.  I was really excited for her.  I know she has been seeing the doctor due to the meds she takes.  I had asked her to tell me when her next appointment with the therapist was so I could go.  She went, or so she said she went, but forgot that I wanted to go.  I got upset today and told her I was setting the boundary that if she was going to steal from me, she had to move out.  She is 31 and just very recently diagnosed with BPD.  She has been hospitalized when she was 11 and 13 and diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features by one doctor, bipolar by another doctor in the well fare clinic.  It took almost 20 years for the BPD diagnosis.  Anyway I told her she owed it to me to let me see she was actually going to therapy, even though the therapist is only seeing her.  I do not want to get my hopes up too high about her going to  therapy and then finding out she lied about it.  She got upset during the talk and started crying.  And then once again I felt guilty because I thought maybe I put too much stress on her.  I think I need to fight off all the guilt and stick with boundaries.  I let her know that I realize she is suffering, but she is not the only one who suffers.  There are so many times I feel like I've been run over by a train.  Here's to hoping the therapy is real and the boundaries will work.