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Author Topic: Her inability to make and keep plans drives me crazy  (Read 370 times)
SummerStorm
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« on: August 24, 2016, 08:35:04 PM »

As I posted on here about two weeks ago, my BPD friend's boyfriend is currently in rehab.  No one was really sure how she would react to this, as self-harm and alcohol are two of her coping methods, but she seems to be handling it well, for the most part.  

But anyway, last weekend, we were chatting about Pokemon Go, and I told her that there are some nice places around me to catch some of the ones she's looking for.  She replied, "Maybe I could come over, and we could go to the park?"  I said that would be great.  We chose Tuesday.  On Monday night, in the middle of a text conversation, she said, "So, I've pretty much lost my voice.  Can I maybe come over Friday instead?"  I said that would be fine, since Friday actually works better for me (I'm a teacher, and this is the first week back at school).  Now, she told me the other day that Friday wouldn't be good for her because she's working 11 days straight and finally has off that day and will probably be tired, but I didn't even bring that up.  I haven't heard from her since.  I did text her last night, and she eventually read it at 1AM this morning but didn't reply.  The last text I got from her was Monday night, when she said, "Sleep tight.  I'll see you Friday."  

Maybe she's sick.  Maybe she isn't.  In terms of improving this friendship, this is probably the one thing that I really, really have a hard time dealing with.  She just lies about so many things, and it's really hard for me to trust her at all.  In the past, she canceled on me a lot of times, and her excuse was always that she was "sick." It's just an excuse that she's used way too many times.  So, it's hard for me to believe that she's really sick, especially when she just randomly cancels on me.

Her inability to make and keep plans drives me crazy, especially when we are trying to coordinate times.  I've gotten to the point where I always have a backup plan, in case she cancels.  

There are days when I really feel like it's just not worth it anymore.  We've been through a lot together, and I care about her as a person, but I really just don't trust her at all.  

Is there any way to rebuild this trust at all?  
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2016, 03:33:30 AM »

We can choose who to trust and who not to trust- and this involves choosing people who are trustworthy.

This involves considering the other person's behavior. If someone does not keep their word, then why should we trust them?


My mother with BPD may make plans and not keep them. I don't think she is a bad person in general. I sometimes think she means/believes what she says in the moment, but her desires and moods can change. However, for me though, believing her, getting my hopes up, and being disappointed so many times, I choose to either not believe her, or not to get too hopeful when she says she will do something. I still care about her, but I choose not to trust her in these situations. This is a decision I made based on her behavior. Building back trust for me would be a form of fooling myself, pretending she is reliable when she is not.

We tell children the story about the boy who cried wolf for a reason. If you don't keep your word, people won't believe you.

You can continue your relationship with her, but keep in mind that she can change her mind about plans with you, or you can also choose to spend time with other friends.






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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2016, 07:15:16 PM »

The plans are made with the motivators of immediate gratification and need. That is she wants to do something so commits immediately to definite plans without fully thinking through the implication. It could be out of need to appease you, or impress you.

However to actually action anything once that impulse has passed it takes obligation and responsibility, a motivation factor that is lacking. Particularly when she may be riding the wave of the next immediate gratification/need. Saying they are sick is the go to excuse as not only can't you disprove it, but they can actually convince themselves it is true also. Thereby maybe even eliciting a degree of sympathy (one of their needs)

The fact that the incidences of repeat "sickies' goes past the bounds of credibility totally passes them by as they dont have that long term consistency of event linking. It worked once so it should work again. If someone openly disbelieves they dont change the pattern they just up the volume (act even sicker).

This is one of the reasons they dont learn readily from past experiences and keep repeating issues in all areas.

My wife cant even stick to decisions she made an hour ago, I would say 90% of all plans are cancelled or rescheduled. Those that do happen have often been cancelled and remade several times.

What to do? State what you are doing and they can either join or not. Dont leave your plans pending on someone else's decision. otherwise you keep rescheduling and wasting huge chunks of your time and patience, doing nothing.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2016, 06:30:56 AM »

This is a good point. My mother is a basically decent person- she doesn't break major rules-but what she says is unreliable. However, I truly believe in the moment, that she means it.

One difficulty she has that I have observed is often called "executive function". This is what we do to make and enact a plan. If we need to mail a letter, we think " I will mail this on the way to work". If we are planning to cook something- we think " I need to get sugar, eggs, flour at the store".  My mother will say the first part " I am going to do this" but then, the second part- how to do it, is what makes it difficult to follow through.

I think she is aware of this, and it causes her some shame, which is unbearable. She will then come up with a "sick" excuse, because as WW says- this is one that people aren't judgmental about. Sometimes she has relied on us to help her achieve her plans. She might sign up to bake something for a function, and then come home and tell me to bake it, or enlist a sibling to help her compose an e mail. Often these are things she can do herself, but she seems to do better if someone coaches/encourages her with the steps.

The other is the "ideal" self vs the real self. The ideal self would say yes to an invitation, and so in the moment, she says yes. However, following through may be difficult.

I don't think that at any time, these are intentional lies. It's just who she is. We have learned to not count on her doing what she says, but not to discount that in the moment, she does mean it.
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2016, 08:51:29 PM »

Notwendy and waverider,

Thanks for the advice.  The tricky thing with my BPD friend is that she was tested for lupus and was right on the bubble (her mom, who has lupus, told me this), so there are times when she actually does feel sick because she is fatigued, has a fever, etc.  But of course, there are also times when she's lying. 

But anyway, after two cancellations, we made plans again for today.  She texted me at about 1:30 and asked for my address.  She arrived at 4 and took a quick tour of my house.  Then, we went and played Pokemon Go at two different locations for about 4 1/2 hours.  We came back to my house, and I made her take a picture with me because we don't have any together.  Then, she left just before 9 because she has to get up early to go to work tomorrow. 

After not seeing each other for 14 months, with the last time being when she was in the hospital, I think this was a good way to ease back into things. 

So, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. 
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