Wife in a Mexican anexo

[Edgecumbe]

Its complicated ... .so verrry complicated .

My wife who I have known for 9 years and have two children gets out of control very frequently .

Stress or apparent stress or not getting her own way are factors that bring on the abuse and aggression and violence. She mistreats the children for no apparent reason .lies , steals , gets blind drunk and takes pharmaceutical drugs when she can get them. At present shes in Rehab and children in care .

I've tried everything.

In the beginning I"d lie down on the floor and let her kick me just to prove to her that it wasn't me who was being violent .She would relent , but doesn't seem to be remorseful. ... .One time she was abusive and sarcastic with insults so I slept downstairs on the floor rather to pass most of the night with her nagging.I was awoken with several hard kicks .I tokd her to go back to bed , which most oddly she did.

That was years ago ... .

I am now in England and she's in Rehab in Mexico and my children are with their Aunt ... .I have peace at last but intend to fetch her away from Mexico to live with me here as a family ... .I love her lots ... .,more than my very self ... .And I fear for my children with her .

I have been investigating the web and reading about BPD and am so very sure she has this disorder especially as she has  "I Hate You, Dont Go " and casts me out of the house every two or three days but fears abandonment (?)

When shes happy, shes a glory to be with , but cannot control her emotions and is super jealous .

I am writing this not to critise her (which I never do to people) but to let you know just how things are.

Is there any hope for her ... .she steals money and things and lies compulsively that nowadays I wonder if she even knows the difference between lies and the truth ... .and doesn't care when found out.even when she accuses her 14 year old son of searching through my bags and taking stuff ... .when clearly it was her. She has no remorse.

WHAT CAN I DO ? ... .Please help me decide ... .

Here in England I am alone and cannot and will not be unfaithful to her or my family ... .Do these therapies work ... .What is your Advice .

I tried the ... ."STOP "  ... .Give me a hug ... .and change the theme ... .(which she agreed to), strongly, but when she flipped she couldn't follow this ... .and the insults ruled everything.

Please can you give me advice ... .

She's not in a very nice place at this moment ... .in a Mexican anexo ... .10 days (Rehab) put there by her father because of pill and alcohol abuse ... .Where she cant drink or drug.

I want to go back to Mexico and take her out and make a family life but have my doubts that things will only get worse ... .I love her so much ... .please help if you can ... .

Hoping that there is a solution for her pain, she had taken clorazepam with paracitamol) and was tranquillazed for three days ... .then got drunk and violent with the children . SHE LOVES THEM .

Please help us ... .THERE MUST BE A SOLUTION ... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

That sounds like a completely horrible and complex situation to deal with. I hope that the rehab does her some good. How long has she been using and abusing?

I'm glad that both you and your children are safe from the violence for now. What's your plan if she gets violent again when the family is reunited?

Yes, there is hope. Yes, therapy does work if the person in therapy wants to make it work.

There are things that you can do to help reduce the conflict though. Take a look at the links in the sidebar to the right. There is a lot of good information there to help you get started.

I would also suggest reading through the other threads here. There is a lot of wisdom to be gleaned on these boards.

[livednlearned]

Hi Edgecumbe,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, to be split from your family and so far away must be so difficult. How are the kids doing with the arrangement? Do you have opportunities to see them?

Here in the US, there are dual-diagnosis programs, with the understanding that if a mental illness causes the substance abuse issues, then the mental illness must be addressed at the same time. Often, these are longer programs. In Europe, drug and alcohol treatment can be different depending on which country. In Sweden (Switzerland)? I believe they are using medication to treat addiction more than the model here, which tends to focus on group and talk therapy, often with strict rules for compliance, many based on Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step program. The dual-diagnosis programs tend to be a notch above because they treat underlying mental illness, not just the substance abuse.

This:

I love her lots ... .,more than my very self ... .And I fear for my children with her .

... .is something you must address. People with BPD need partners who know how to take care of themselves. That means not allowing you or the kids to be abused. Letting her kick you is only going to teach her that she can kick you. And the kids.

The successful stories involve partners (us) who learn to love ourselves first. If we do not take that first step, then we are dragged down to the lowest skill levels in the relationship, instead of learning to raise the skill level to something much more powerful than what you have been used to.

Use this time now to build strength and if possible, find a therapist who understands BPD, or other personality disorders. Be explicit that your goal is to stay with your wife, and that you are looking for skills to help manage distress and stress, for yourself first and foremost. Even though your wife may not like her current conditions and you are missing her and being together as a family, this is a lucky break, a time to reflect and focus on what kind of life you will allow for you, and for the kids. Those values lead to boundaries that you can teach to your wife, to help her stay safe too.