Silent treatment makes it impossible to let go

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

All of you have been charmed (contacted again or recycled). It gives you power and value. You can decide more easily to let go. But when you have been discarded and ghosted it is all you have. It gives you no power. It makes it so difficult to let go.

I feel erased as I felt at the start of the 21 days NC. The unfairness of it all is unbearable and sadness is overwhelming.

[UnforgivenII]

All of you have been charmed (contacted again or recycled). It gives you power and value. You can decide more easily to let go. But when you have been discarded and ghosted it is all you have. It gives you no power. It makes it so difficult to let go.

I feel erased as I felt at the start of the 21 days NC. The unfairness of it all is unbearable and sadness is overwhelming.

[Larmoyant]

UnforgivenII, this sounds so painful and I'm sorry you're hurting   

You mention being discarded so I'm guessing that your ex made the decision to go NC. Did you get any warning of this? Did you get the chance to discuss anything beforehand?

[jo19854]

Hi, i read your post and i feel what you feel. Finding closure is almost impossible. I am struggling for 2,5 years now and still haunted by nightmares every day. My wife left when i was at work, left the country, and i never heard or seen of her again.

In case borderline or severe trauma is involved we will never understand why it happened and how they can do things a human being normally cannot do. We want to understand what happened, we want to know our part. We blame ourselves. It took me two years to stop doing that.
I had therapy for dealing with suicide and missing person because all the same questions that come along with such events i had to deal with. (Why, my part, what did i miss, will i ever hear from her, will she ever return)

Read my profile and you can see how crazy things can be. After 2,5 years last week for the first time i was able to reach someone who knows her and she was confronted with my emotional struggle. Her answer "He is a drama queen". Thats all i know plus the fact that I am replaced by a grandchild and she lives with her older daughter.

Counseling might help but only by a counselor who is specialised in borderline because they know what we are dealing with. For the rest it takes time... .time... .time. I hope you have plenty left, me i am 60 and my life is completely ruined.

Take care, hang in there!

[Stripey77]

I'm right there with you Unforgiven, it is the pits. I am going through it myself at the moment, although he seems to have gone into hiding almost after someone attacked him. He's definitely keeping a low profile. You may have seen my other posts where I talk about the fact that he is just walking right past me like he doesn't know me at the moment... .we live a few minutes' walk apart, and in a close knit community.


We spent 3 nights together right at the end of May, just before he went on holiday, and on the last night he was asking me about my day, holding me, hugging me. It was almost exactly as if 8 months of hell had just disappeared in a puff of smoke. The next day he went on his trip, and didn't contact me once. I know we are split up, but obviously a lot of things had happened in the days before he left, a lot of things said, heart to hearts etc.

His last words to me were that he'd see me when he got back.

He got back and his priority was to see his friends and go out drinking. He saw me in town and I saw him, he smiled at me and acknowledged me but didn't contact me.

Just 2 days later, my 'friend' attacked him for ignoring me. It was one of the worst 10 minutes of my life. My ex actually ended up comforting me, I was so distressed, but just a few minutes later it was a like a mist came down on him and he switched personas. It was that rapid. He left the bar saying he was evil, didn't deserve me and to disappear from his life.

He has since totally and utterly ignored me, given me the ST, walked past me, or even ran away from me. In no uncertain terms, the attack triggered him, and I have been left in miserable empty limbo. You are quite right, it is VERY difficult to move on from, because it's so open ended, in my case anyway, when you have an ex who keeps coming in and out of your life. This isn't new to me, sadly, so deep down I keep thinking... .he will be back.

The only comfort I have is that, although I am blocked on every other avenue, he is reading my Whatsapp messages. Not replying, but he is reading them. That's a good sign.  I know that somewhere deep down he thinks he is unworthy of being loved, and I am a reminder of someone telling him that.

I actually find the ST easier to deal with each time, by just getting on with my life. I am terribly hurt and I miss him every day, with all my heart. I told him I miss him yesterday. He read it. Whether he believes it is an entirely different matter but I'll keep trying, because if nothing else I would accept a friendship with him any day over ST and being ghosted.

If you have any way to contact yours at all and build up baby steps, perhaps you can try that? I may have posted this before, but in my experience at least, the ST always ends up being broken and the bad spell with it.  If you could reach such a position with your ex, and your goal is to truly detach, then perhaps you could be the one to close the chapter, and find your 'closure' that way.

For my part, I am not entirely sure that there really is such a thing as closure for us nons. Really. I don't think it ever ends, until we step off, move away, give up, or find someone else. The cycle really can just go on ad infinitum.

 

[DreamerGirl]

UnforgivenII, I'm here with you.

I have no closure as well.  I had no ending.

I had a loving morning, loving lunch, then I never heard from him again.

He erased me.

I went from perfect to dead.  It hurts. 

I am now 8 weeks away from this discard.  It has been incredibly painful.  Time is our friend.  I am still hurting, everyday.

I'm trying to find the acceptance that I will never have the closure I feel I need.  I need to close this in my mind, without knowing why he threw me away. 

We will get there, step by step.

[bus boy]

Hi unforgivenll the pain is great, I know. It will get better for sure. I use to go through discard/ recycles all the time. Things would be rolling along,  ever great and anyway anticipating something is going to happen. She might up and stop talking to me for 3 weeks or days. I never knew what type of response I might get. Send a heart felt text and get an in response. The final discard was a tough one, she hardly spoke to me for 4 months and bang she wants to go out of town, we did, slept together and from than until now, over 1 year she hardly spoke a word to me, only to be ignorant or manuplating. I was unable to grow while I was being constantly recycled, I was always resentful, confused, hopeful. Her cold hearted discard almost ended me, the worse empty, helpless feeling I ever had but I used it as a chance to grow. Today I still have struggles but I know how to deal with them. I wouldn't trade my loneliest day without her for my best day with her.

[DreamerGirl]

Bus boy, this is what I'm aiming for - I wouldn't trade my loneliest day without her for my best day with her.

[kc sunshine]

Hi Unforgiven,

It is totally the pits. After 1 year of relationship and two years of recycling (we had two big recycles-- both of which I thought/hoped would last) and lots of push/pulls in between (the longest she'd go without contacting me was two weeks), she's really cut the cord, saying "sometimes I realize things slowly and sometimes all at once." So so painful, especially with me having to think about what I did in that last meeting to make her realize whatever it was (she wouldn't tell me) all at once. That last meeting was so strange-- she was totally warm and friendly in setting it up and then bam "this will be the last time that I see you." The biggest pull/push yet. Then she said that she was moving in with her new girlfriend the next day. Whoa, was I reeling, trying to make sense of it all. What was so confusing is why she wouldn't have told me that first and then why she would have first wanted to try to be friends and then cut me off like that.

I think our relationship was pretty good but our break ups were emotionally abusive. Is that a thing-- "emotionally abusive breakup" or are all breakups inherently awful?

One thing that is giving me some solace (solace would be a strong word for it though) is that it might be a cruel and emotionally abusive break up but at least it is not a physically abusive or threatening one. She had once told me she "loved me like a stalker" and she dropped little threatening lines every once in a while. I think I had a bit of fear in my FOG.

[steelwork]

Unforgiven, you are not alone--as others have already said. I was ghosted, too... .a year and a half ago, almost. It shakes you to your core. The pain is terrible at first, and the uncertainty, the waiting and hoping, prolong it. How can you make a "decision to let go" in the absence of any information about what's going on with the other person? It even feels noble, for a while, holding fast. There's something sanctified and pure in your loyalty. But then slowly you realize: you are throwing your life away for an idea, something that exists only in your head. It does not happen all at once. I'm still waiting for the last glimmers of hope to fade. The longer it goes on, the more trust is lost, and the job of repairing it, should he return, begins to seem impossible. What story could he tell me that would make this better? What acts would prove he meant it? The door closes, slowly. Therefore... .closure.

But closure isn't everything.

What I am struggling with now (I wrote about it here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298173.0 ) is the sudden loss of a friend, without warning. I realized that there is a considerable amount of fear now that it could happen with ALL the relationships that I care about. Someone I thought I knew, who I thought I could depend on, could just suddenly vanish. I've been panicking about all my old friends who I haven't heard from in a bit. Maybe they're gone, too! If they aren't yet, maybe they will be. In other words: PTSD. Time will take care of the longing for that one person, maybe. But it doesn't take care of the trauma.

Do you feel traumatized? Have you felt hypervigilant about other people? Flight-or-fight feelings? Don't ignore them. My advice is that you seek professional help for them.

[patientandclear]

My ex abruptly cut me off a few times. It was starkly painful and hard to process for the reasons you all are saying (the poster who described therapy for survivers of suicides and missing persons is talking about therapy recognizing the unique nature of "ambiguous loss," loss which is unexplained (the site someone posted about the other day on ambiguous loss seemed not to dial in on the unique problem of not understanding why it happened and not being able to discover exactly what did happen and why)).

I will say this though. I know now that my ex cut me off because he was severely dysregulated and couldn't cope with aspects of our dynamic that would have been unproblematic or even good for an emotionally healthier partner. Once it was because he felt criticized and controlled and judged because I asked gentle and loving questions about why he made an impulsive and life changing decision. It ended up being a bad decision and I think deep down he had doubts about its wisdom but he wanted to do it anyway--he did not want to be challenged. He wanted support. I could not be entirely supportive. That made him feel bad so he coped with it by being severely critical of me in his head and, he later said, that our r/ship had run its course.

The r/ship was restored when I reached out, nearly three months later. He punished me a bit and then it was better than ever ... .Till the next time I expressed lovingly that something wasn't working for me, he felt judged etc., and he cut me off for months. Point is--these are incredibly unhealthy and destructive coping strategies coming from him, and they severely damaged one of the most important r/ships in his life (with me). He is not good at relationships. This is probably also true of your missing persons.

It's also worth noting that if they stay it is rarely better, just different. Most of the past five years my ex has wanted to be deeply immersed in my life. That has if anything been more damaging than when he was just gone. He wanted to be close but not too close, and his continuing campaign to enforce that line and then insinuate that maybe he might set it aside only to not do that, his continued need to control my importance to him, his stories of what goes on with us that rationalize him upending whatever we started with no warning and no apology and no acknowledgement of the loss ... .It's been an even more harmful that if he had stayed gone.

I know that may be cold comfort but it really is possible that all that is available with certain emotionally damaged people is a choice of harmful endings, there is no route that is free of serious injury.

[hurting300]

I was ghosted as well. Came home one day and she was gone. She never even said "it's over". So yes I completely understand how you feel. It honestly takes a sick mind to do this too someone. Trust me it does get better and one like myself you'll want to thank them for leaving.

[GoingBack2OC]

I think our relationship was pretty good but our break ups were emotionally abusive. Is that a thing-- "emotionally abusive breakup" or are all breakups inherently awful?

I can't say I've ever had a "good" break up. I mean, if it was good, it wouldnt end.

Girls I dated for just a few months, it wasnt too emotional. It was just respectful. One time, after I broke up with honestly a really great girl, we had dated for maybe 2 months. But it just wasnt for life... .She was sad, I could tell. No crying... .only two months. When I left her house I hugged her. Then gave her a small kiss. I don't even know why... .maybe habit. Just used to doing so?  I think it upset her. I didnt mean it to, it just happened.

But in regards to emotionally abusive breakup... .my breakup with my BPD ex was EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE in terms of the breakup. 4 months of cheating. Then she ghosted me.

That... .is abusive.

Every other breakup... .long term relationship wise. There was hurt. Crying. Upset. Either I begged or they begged. Its humiliating in a way but never so much as "they humiliated" or "I humiliated them".  More... .we humiliated ourselves, you know begging, for it not to end.

But this last one... .it was like... .she loved it.

[DreamerGirl]

I've had a couple of major breakups.  Nothing this devastating.

The biggest difference in my past breakups has been closure.  I always knew, why.  This time, I don't.  It is the worst feeling, it has kept me ruminating and wondering.  I keep trying to understand why, how this could have happened.  I can't wait until I can accept I will never have the closure my heart thinks it needs. 

[insideoutside]

My friend gave me the ST for four months; I reached out every now and then to be met with a brick wall.  Finally he accepted my messages and gave me his new mobile number but instantly the push/pull started with him discarding me again a week later.  That hurt like hell.  I sent him a scathing email and blocked him.  I wish I had never bothered reaching out again; he hadn't changed and it was still all about about him and his victim mentality.  Focus this week has made me see that nothing I could had said or done would had stopped the inevitable from happening; he was always going to do it again sooner or later as that is who he is and it must be hell on earth to live that way.  I wish him the best but never want to hear from him again.

Treat the ST as a blessing; you don't need to get back on the crazy train as it will be as bad if not worse than the first time around. X

[DreamerGirl]

I don't want to get back onto the crazy train but I want to know why he threw me off?... .How did he go from adoring me to discarding me?  When I figure this out, I can, maybe, move on.

[insideoutside]

I don't want to get back onto the crazy train but I want to know why he threw me off?... .How did he go from adoring me to discarding me?  When I figure this out, I can, maybe, move on.

I think all of us would like to know the answer to that question but sadly I don't think we will ever know apart from that they are disordered and mentally ill.  We have to just try and accept it. X

[GoingBack2OC]

I don't want to get back onto the crazy train but I want to know why he threw me off?... .How did he go from adoring me to discarding me?  When I figure this out, I can, maybe, move on

I don't know if this will resonate with you at all DreamerGirl. But I realized just recently that I think a LOT of the problems in my relationship with my uBPDexGF was her own low self-esteem.

It was non-existent during the idealization phase, when we fell in love. But during phase 2, dissasiation; was where she began pulling away for reasons of "she has so much she has to do- doesnt have the accomplishments her peers do- isnt as good as everyone else- jealousy, facebook jealousy, look how good everyone elses life is, etc.

During devaluation; she would project of course her own insecurities on me. I'm the monster. I'm a parasite. When I did so much to help her.

Then leading up to discard it went darker. If I told her I loved her; she would literally respond "You're retarded".

I mean-- who on earth responds in such a way? It's alien to me. I would never think to say such a thing if someone said they cared about me and loved me.

But I think... .that final dark phase... .where she would start belittling me... .making fun of me for loving her - that's when she was sleeping around, cheating, lying. So in her eyes, I was retarded so to speak for loving her.

Her words spoke so much... .In such a subtextian way... .As in her telling me "I'm an idiot to love her" was really her saying "I am not worth your love... ."

I think, in the end, give a lot of thought to the concepts of shame, guilt, low self esteem, and the like. My ex, I have no doubt, feels like a failure. And in truth, she is. In so many ways. But it's sad. Her parents I think are a big part of that. Her dad never thinking she was good enough. Perhaps I think her dad maybe resented her... .because she was an accident pre-marriage. He's a really smart guy, a PHD. Yet her family is poor, he has a average job pay wise. I am sure, no doubt, he sees her in many ways as "the biggest thing that set him personally back from being what he thought he could be".

A terrible thing to grow up and live under. I feel for her. And yes, it's hard to accept that- she is not fixable.

[Stripey77]

How is everyone doing with this out there?  I'm still being subjected to it... .i.e. totally ignored/ghosted. It's still awful, I have just kind of learned to live with it.

Despite having been blocked on everything else, I remain unblocked on Whatsapp. He carries on reading my messages that I send in an attempt to 'break down the wall'.  My things remain at his house. And yet, total radio silence.

I even saw him a few days ago, and feeling braver than ever, I waved to him and smiled and called out his name - quite audibly. He was just metres away from me, directly in front of me, face on. Although (predictably) he walked away, I most definitely caught a glimmer of a smile. And a half look backwards.  

I keep telling myself that there must be someone else, not based on any evidence at all, and actually, I've been treated to a longer ST/ghosting than this, only to find out after months apart that I had not been replaced. At all.  

But the thing that mystifies me is, then why not tell me, if that is the case? Why not block me? Why read my messages and keep my things... .but act as if I am dead?  IF he wants me to be completely 'invisible' to him, he could make that happen.

It truly is the pits, truly. And we live just minutes' walk from one another. I feel so sad about this, but now it's a kind of resigned sadness.  

[steelwork]

But the thing that mystifies me is, then why not tell me, if that is the case? Why not block me? Why read my messages and keep my things... .but act as if I am dead?  IF he wants me to be completely 'invisible' to him, he could make that happen.

Hi Stripey,

Of course, none of us can really know the answers to those questions, but one possibility is that he does not want to cut off those final ties to you--your things, that one channel of access. He may never want to or feel capable of doing that. My ex blocked me everywhere but on one alternative email account. He didn't forget about it--it was the last place we were communicating before he ghosted, and he left it unblocked. This fact tormented me for months. What did it mean? Was it a sign that he wanted me to stay in touch, or get back in touch, or that he would get back in touch with me?

So let's say that's the case--that's why your ex is keeping your stuff and reading your whatsapp messages and giving you an almost imperceptible smile when you cross paths and nothing else, and you never know--he might relent and come back in your life, as he has in the past.

It sounds like you are in a very powerless position, that the wheel is in his hands and you are hoping for a certain outcome. That could be part of the issue. Maybe he feels safe while he maintains that control, because it leaves him with the possibility of going to you someday, sometime when he needs you. Or maybe it just gives him comfort to have you on the leash.

Except, and I know you've pushed away this idea in the past... .you can unsnap the leash and walk away, and all his control is gone, just like that. Freedom comes at a cost, always. But hanging onto hope also comes at a cost. You have to weigh those costs. That is your burden, but also your power.

How would it feel to cut those final threads? You won't know until you do it, which means no longer sending him whatsapp messages. Even then you wouldn't know right away. You would have to white knuckle it through some hard times and give the withdrawals a chance to fade. There will be withdrawals, and they will be awful, but they are temporary.

What do you think?

[steelwork]

Also: eventually you might see him differently: not without compassion, but as someone you can't trust enough to have any kind of relationship with.