Ex is telling mutual friend to avoid me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello===
  I recently had a tennis game with a close friend of my ex's (my ex broke up with me a year ago)... .this person and I have kept in touch (he is happily married).  When my ex found out his male friend was going to see me, he got upset... .I felt confused by this--why would my ex be upset?
    Our friend told me my ex told him to block me from his email, and not to see me. At first I was shocked---had my ex said I was a bad person or something?  The friend said no, it's that my ex thinks his friend and I are in contact so that I can "get information about" my ex... .
   In reality, his friend and I don't really talk about my ex.   Could this be my ex being jealous that he was "left out" and couldn't join us?  I am confused about why a pwBPD would not want associates to be around their ex?

[shatra]

Hello===
  I recently had a tennis game with a close friend of my ex's (my ex broke up with me a year ago)... .this person and I have kept in touch (he is happily married).  When my ex found out his male friend was going to see me, he got upset... .I felt confused by this--why would my ex be upset?
    Our friend told me my ex told him to block me from his email, and not to see me. At first I was shocked---had my ex said I was a bad person or something?  The friend said no, it's that my ex thinks his friend and I are in contact so that I can "get information about" my ex... .
   In reality, his friend and I don't really talk about my ex.   Could this be my ex being jealous that he was "left out" and couldn't join us?  I am confused about why a pwBPD would not want associates to be around their ex?

[gotbushels]

Could this be my ex being jealous that he was "left out" and couldn't join us?

I think this is a fair suggestion shatra. Another way to look at it is that you resemble a type of pain to your ex. If you're friends with your ex's friends, that is one way for the pain to "transmit" between you and your ex, over time.

I don't know what the "right" "why" may be. If the relationship with this friend is important to you, what might be helpful here is perhaps you could recall that you are an emotionally separate being to your ex. That emotional separation also applies between your ex and this friend. Therefore, I'd consider that it would be up to you and this friend of yours, as individuals or together, to manage this issue in a way that would satisfy both of you.   

[GoingBack2OC]

Hello===
  I recently had a tennis game with a close friend of my ex's (my ex broke up with me a year ago)... .this person and I have kept in touch (he is happily married).  When my ex found out his male friend was going to see me, he got upset... .I felt confused by this--why would my ex be upset?
    Our friend told me my ex told him to block me from his email, and not to see me. At first I was shocked---had my ex said I was a bad person or something?  The friend said no, it's that my ex thinks his friend and I are in contact so that I can "get information about" my ex... .
   In reality, his friend and I don't really talk about my ex.   Could this be my ex being jealous that he was "left out" and couldn't join us?  I am confused about why a pwBPD would not want associates to be around their ex?

My ex wedged in certain ways. To keep lies contained. Things she told mutual friends would never have aligned with my version of "actual reality". In many ways I got ostracized from mutual friendships... .I think deliberately... .to protect her version of "the fantasy world".

When I did reach out, and talk to them in depth, I said nothing disparaging. Just the truth. They were basically like... .Dude... .We know. She's nuts.

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote
 (ex may be jealous of me being with his friend) I think this is a fair suggestion shatra. Another way to look at it is that you resemble a type of pain to your ex. If you're friends with your ex's friends, that is one way for the pain to "transmit" between you and your ex, over time.

--------So I resemble the pain of loss, or the pain of his shame over dumping me?  And I may represent that pain more strongly be being with his friend?  Is that what you mean?  So then he wants to "shut me out" and have his friend "discard" me

Going back wrote To keep lies contained. Things she told mutual friends would never have aligned with my version of "actual reality". In many ways I got ostracized from mutual friendships... .I think deliberately... .to protect her version of "the fantasy world".
----Good point too.   He might fear what the friend and I talk about re: him

[gotbushels]

--------So I resemble the pain of loss, or the pain of his shame over dumping me?  And I may represent that pain more strongly be being with his friend?  Is that what you mean?  So then he wants to "shut me out" and have his friend "discard" me

Yes, some kind of pain. I don't know what type, we're both not him and don't have access to his head.     It's simply another possibility if you're looking for that. But remember that if you start to look for motives you start going toward conjecture. Hence I thought it would be wise for you to consider looking at the total view, including separation ideas and you. 

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote--
  (you resemble some kind of pain to ex). I don't know what type, we're both not him and don't have access to his head.     It's simply another possibility if you're looking for that. But remember that if you start to look for motives you start going toward conjecture.

----His friend and I are remaining in contact.   My ex told him to block my email.  Yet my ex didn't block my email?  His friend and I are not what I am confused about... .I am interested in why:

PwBPD would not want their friends/associates to be around their ex. Whether it's spllitting, or the extreme part of the push in push-pull (i.e.--I pushed you away from me and I want to push you away from my friend... .the same way some pwBPD not just break up with, but destroy all photos and phone numbers of the ex)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Shatra, Suggest you ignore your Ex.  You have every right to play tennis with whomever you choose, including someone your Ex knows.  So what?  This is typical BPD insecure behavior, in my view. 

LuckyJim

[gotbushels]

----His friend and I are remaining in contact.   My ex told him to block my email.  Yet my ex didn't block my email? 

Do you feel surprised about this?

His friend and I are not what I am confused about... .I am interested in why:

PwBPD would not want their friends/associates to be around their ex. Whether it's spllitting, or the extreme part of the push in push-pull (i.e.--I pushed you away from me and I want to push you away from my friend... .the same way some pwBPD not just break up with, but destroy all photos and phone numbers of the ex)

I don't know why this particular pwBPD feels this way. There could be a lot of reasons.

Even if you assume this person is not a pwBPD, the breadth of possible reasons is still lacking the limit of possibilities.

Either way, it seems to me there's little point because we don't really have a way of getting certain as to which is the "right" one reason. And maybe there's more than one. Can you see from that itself, how there's not an obvious point? But perhaps you see something I don't Shatra. It's true each of us wants to know the answer to a different why sometimes. I'm just seeking to understand here--but what will you get from knowing this "why"?   

[shatra]

----His friend and I are remaining in contact.   My ex told him to block my email.  Yet my ex didn't block my email? 

Do you feel surprised about this?
-----Yes I feel surprised that my ex would tell his friend to block me, but my ex has not blocked me... .is this a common or unsurprising action?

His friend and I are not what I am confused about... .I am interested in why:

PwBPD would not want their friends/associates to be around their ex.
Even if you assume this person is not a pwBPD, the breadth of possible reasons is still lacking the limit of possibilities.

Either way, it seems to me there's little point because we don't really have a way of getting certain as to which is the "right" one reason. And maybe there's more than one. Can you see from that itself, how there's not an obvious point? But perhaps you see something I don't Shatra. It's true each of us wants to know the answer to a different why sometimes. I'm just seeking to understand here--but what will you get from knowing this "why"?   

----In most posts' quetsions,  we can't be  "certain as to which is the "right" one reason. And maybe there's more than one."  But as we are dealing with pwBPD, who have a lot in common with other pwBPDs,  there may be some insight into why the ex is doing this.

----I have heard of nonpwBPD deleting their ex's but I have never heard of one not deleting/blocking the ex, but asking a mutual friend to do so... .and  I have read on this board about BPDexes wanting friends to delete the nonpwBPD

----What will I get from knowing the "why"  ---it will help me to understand what is going on, as this seems to be a BPD issue, and not one that I have done or dealt with in the past with other people.  Gaining clarity or insight from people will help me feel less confused

[valet]

Hey shatra, some close mutual friends grew distant from me after the relationship ended, so I kinda know what you're dealing with.

I handled it by giving them my side of the story when I felt it was necessary, then I just let it be.

A year and a half later and a lot of them believe what I said all that time ago. Now I feel a lot closer to them an infinitely more validated.

In short, this is just one of those things that takes time. You will lose people—don't be afraid of this. Those that value you for who are at the core won't be going anywhere for any significant period of time. Stay true to yourself. Take care of you despite any social pressures. It won't be easy; there will be good days and awful ones, but eventually the ship will right itself.

[gotbushels]

Yes I feel surprised that my ex would tell his friend to block me, but my ex has not blocked me... .is this a common or unsurprising action?

To me, I don't have a reaction. But we're all different. So I can get some understanding, why does it surprise you? What is it specifically that makes you feel surprised? 

In most posts' quetsions,  we can't be  "certain as to which is the "right" one reason. And maybe there's more than one."  But as we are dealing with pwBPD, who have a lot in common with other pwBPDs,  there may be some insight into why the ex is doing this.

Ok.

I have heard of nonpwBPD deleting their ex's but I have never heard of one not deleting/blocking the ex, but asking a mutual friend to do so... .and  I have read on this board about BPDexes wanting friends to delete the nonpwBPD

Ok.

What will I get from knowing the "why"  ---it will help me to understand what is going on, as this seems to be a BPD issue, and not one that I have done or dealt with in the past with other people.  Gaining clarity or insight from people will help me feel less confused

Alright.  Yes, knowing things helps us to understand. I see that finding out reasons like this can help you feel less confused. Thank you for explaining your thinking.

If you find out a "why" that satisfies you, how does that make you feel?

If you don't find out a "why" that satisfies you, how does that make you feel?

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote---

(Shatra wrote---Yes I feel surprised that my ex would tell his friend to block me, but my ex has not blocked me... .is this a common or unsurprising action?)

  "To me, I don't have a reaction. But we're all different. So I can get some understanding, why does it surprise you? What is it specifically that makes you feel surprised? "

-----It surprises me for 2 reasons---one is that, although I haven't tried to contact my ex, my ex seems says that I only maintain the friendship with his friend Tom so I can "have a connection to" my ex.  It also surprises me that, if he really believes that, he would not block me... .in other words, if someone wants to stop an ex from having info about them, they would naturally block the ex from social media and email---my situation is "backwards" because my ex hasn't blocked me, but has told a mutual friend to block me.

Valet wrote---
"some close mutual friends grew distant from me after the relationship ended, so I kinda know what you're dealing with. I handled it by giving them my side of the story when I felt it was necessary, then I just let it be."

----Actually in my situation the mutual frind is not distant, they are staying frineds with me and not blocking me (despite the BPD telling them to block me)... .
      The initial question in this post was  why a pwBPD would tell a mutual friend to block the ex, while not blocking the ex themselves.  It doesn't seem to be a total smear campaign, and he doesn't seem to fear we will smear him (as I dont' really bring up the topic of the ex with the friend)?

[valet]

I think that it is more about abandonment fears.

If I was feeling out of control I'd want as many allies as possible.

The catch is that while dysregulated executive functioning suffers, meaning that the consequences for others upon forging these alliances would hardly ever enter the picture. Hence our perception of the smear campaign. We play our part in this, but it is not all our fault.

[gotbushels]

shatra so it's easier to follow, I'm reformatting with a double quote instead of quoting you directly.

To me, I don't have a reaction. But we're all different. So I can get some understanding, why does it surprise you? What is it specifically that makes you feel surprised? 

-----It surprises me for 2 reasons---one is that, although I haven't tried to contact my ex, my ex seems says that I only maintain the friendship with his friend Tom so I can "have a connection to" my ex.  (... .)

Ok. That thought makes sense.

You mentioned before "Gaining clarity or insight from people will help me feel less confused". I think that applies here too.

Can you accept that what your ex seemed to say, or said (not important which it was), can you accept that his feelings, implied or direct, have no link to your feelings?

Can you accept that his beliefs and choices don't have a direct impact on your life?

It also surprises me that, if he really believes that, he would not block me... .in other words, if someone wants to stop an ex from having info about them, they would naturally block the ex from social media and email---my situation is "backwards" because my ex hasn't blocked me, but has told a mutual friend to block me.

I've highlighted your pair of "if's" so it's clearer to see what's going on.

I can see that this chain of events is legitimate. It seems to me that you're still thinking for him. I could be incorrect. The two "if's" are part of the two suppositions you're using. It seems that if you dwell on suppositions like this, in order to discern his behaviour, it's quite knotty. Does that feel knotty for you?

Recall that I mentioned before, "Even if you assume this person is not a pwBPD, the breadth of possible reasons is still lacking the limit of possibilities."

Can you accept that there is no limit to the potential reasons on his "probable thoughts"?

Can you accept that there's a point where you will not get fresh insights about his thoughts?

If you can accept these things, then what can you do about it?

Are you able to base a decision that doesn't hinge on what he thinks, but is hinged on what you think?

[shatra]

Valet wrote

" I think that it is more about abandonment fears. If I was feeling out of control I'd want as many allies as possible. The catch is that while dysregulated executive functioning suffers, meaning that the consequences for others upon forging these alliances would hardly ever enter the picture. Hence our perception of the smear campaign. We play our part in this, but it is not all our fault.  "

---Thanks... .to clarify then, he may be feeling abandoned (though he broke up the relationship) and wants to keep mutual friend Tom as "his ally"... .do you mean that his executive functions don't include consequences for me?  And what is meant by "our perception of the smear campaign?"  re the ex not wanting Tom and I to be in touch (again, Tom and I are not really talking about the ex when we talk)

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote--

Can you accept that what your ex seemed to say, or said (not important which it was), can you accept that his feelings, implied or direct, have no link to your feelings?
-----Do you mean that just because he doesn't want Tom to see me doesn't mean I have to want that? Or something different?

Can you accept that his beliefs and choices don't have a direct impact on your life?
----No , because his beliefs and choices are confusing and upsetting to me, so they are impacting me

It also surprises me that, if he really believes that, he would not block me... .in other words, if someone wants to stop an ex from having info about them, they would naturally block the ex from social media and email---my situation is "backwards" because my ex hasn't blocked me, but has told a mutual friend to block me.

I've highlighted your pair of "if's" so it's clearer to see what's going on.

I can see that this chain of events is legitimate. It seems to me that you're still thinking for him. I could be incorrect. The two "if's" are part of the two suppositions you're using. It seems that if you dwell on suppositions like this, in order to discern his behaviour, it's quite knotty. Does that feel knotty for you?

------No, I am not thinking "for  him", I am writing what he said to our friend  ("Block Shatra because she just wants your friendship to contact me" and using logical asssumption (Ex is saying that, so therefore if he (or anybody) wants me not to know about him, he will then block me from social media... .umm, except that he has not blocked me.  In other words, he is saying to Tom to block me---yet he himself is not blocking me... .

Recall that I mentioned before, "Even if you assume this person is not a pwBPD, the breadth of possible reasons is still lacking the limit of possibilities."

Can you accept that there is no limit to the potential reasons on his "probable thoughts"?
---I wrote in an earlier post, that applies to nearly all of the posts on this forum

Can you accept that there's a point where you will not get fresh insights about his thoughts?
----I was hoping to gain an insight into a pwBPD saying to a mutual friend to block me but then not block me himself... .if he blocked me and told Tom to block me too, that would make sense... .this doesn't make sense and I was looking for insight as to why a pwBPD might do that. I supppose anyone on any forum might reach a point where they don't get fresh insight, but it's not wrong to seek it

Are you able to base a decision that doesn't hinge on what he thinks, but is hinged on what you think?

---Tom and I already decided to keep our friendship... .I wasn't waiitng to make a decision, I was looking for clarity on this confusing situation

[gotbushels]

Can you accept that what your ex seemed to say, or said (not important which it was), can you accept that his feelings, implied or direct, have no link to your feelings?
-----Do you mean that just because he doesn't want Tom to see me doesn't mean I have to want that? Or something different?

Ok. What I meant was this; if your ex feels something, why does it immediately follow that you feel something? To clarify, I'm not saying you should or shouldn't feel anything. I'm asking why you choose to linger on his intentions. What is that giving you?

Can you accept that his beliefs and choices don't have a direct impact on your life?
----No , because his beliefs and choices are confusing and upsetting to me, so they are impacting me

Ok. Great. You can see that clearly. I can see this being quite helpful to you. So why is it upsetting and confusing to you? Can you be exact and specific? What is making you feel that?

I can see that this chain of events is legitimate. It seems to me that you're still thinking for him. I could be incorrect. The two "if's" are part of the two suppositions you're using. It seems that if you dwell on suppositions like this, in order to discern his behaviour, it's quite knotty. Does that feel knotty for you?

------No, I am not thinking "for  him", I am writing what he said to our friend  ("Block Shatra because she just wants your friendship to contact me" and using logical asssumption (Ex is saying that, so therefore if he (or anybody) wants me not to know about him, he will then block me from social media... .umm, except that he has not blocked me.  In other words, he is saying to Tom to block me---yet he himself is not blocking me... .

Ok. I hear that you said you're not thinking "for him". No problem. Yes that's why you wrote.

Does what I described feel knotty for you?

Can you accept that there is no limit to the potential reasons on his "probable thoughts"?

---I wrote in an earlier post, that applies to nearly all of the posts on this forum

Ok.

Can you accept that there's a point where you will not get fresh insights about his thoughts?

----I was hoping to gain an insight into a pwBPD saying to a mutual friend to block me but then not block me himself... .if he blocked me and told Tom to block me too, that would make sense... .this doesn't make sense and I was looking for insight as to why a pwBPD might do that. I supppose anyone on any forum might reach a point where they don't get fresh insight, but it's not wrong to seek it

Ok. Yes, of course, there's nothing wrong to seek information.

Are you able to base a decision that doesn't hinge on what he thinks, but is hinged on what you think?

---Tom and I already decided to keep our friendship... .I wasn't waiitng to make a decision, I was looking for clarity on this confusing situation

Ok. You weren't waiting to make a decision regarding the friendship. I was talking about the decision to be satisfied with what he might be thinking regarding his beliefs and choices. You mentioned "his beliefs and choices are confusing and upsetting to me, so they are impacting me".

Is it possible that it's your choice to think about his beliefs and choices?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I am dealing with something similar to this right now.  Only it is my ex who has very actively pursued a friendship with one of my close friends.  I don't know if they are seeing one another romantically, but I am cutting this friend out of my life.  I'm hurt by the decision they both have made, but I don't expect anyone to look out for me; friend or an ex.  So I'm looking out for myself.

[shatra]

Gotbushels wrote---What I meant was this; if your ex feels something, why does it immediately follow that you feel something? To clarify, I'm not saying you should or shouldn't feel anything. I'm asking why you choose to linger on his intentions. What is that giving you?

------ Because when he says something strong like this (telling Tom to block me)  it naturally triggers a feeling in me (mine is confusion, since he has not been on a smear campaign, and also has not blocked me himself)... .feelings stem from thoughts about events and words.  What is thinking about his intentions giving me? Thinking about his intentions would give me more clarity and understanding (hence less confusion) if someone has insight or experience

Quote from: shatra on September 11, 2016, 03:20:03 PM
Can you accept that his beliefs and choices don't have a direct impact on your life?
----No , because his beliefs and choices are confusing and upsetting to me, so they are impacting me
Why is it upsetting and confusing to you? Can you be exact and specific? What is making you feel that?

----- Specifically, it is upsetting and confusing for 2 reasons:
1)  He has not been on a smear campaign , yet he is telling Tom not to see me and to block me since he says I "want information" on him... .meaning if ex was on a smear campaign and criticizing me, I would expect him to do this (Shatra is "black" so stay away from her... .but Tom said that is not it, the ex said ":)on't see Shatra"... .I haven't aksed Tom anything about the ex, so again it is not making sense for the ex to say that ---it's not based on facts
2)  The ex has not blocked me, yet he told Tom to block me.  If in fact the ex didin't want me to have info on him, naturally the ex would have blocked me (but he didn't)... .so again it makes no sense---there is another reason he doesn't want Tom and I to be close.  Specifically, the reasons the ex gave for telling Tom to avoid me (Shatra wants info on me) just aren't legit, since the ex hasn't blocked me, and since Tom and I actually don't talk about ex

---- (  You said writing about the "if" suppositions gets knotty--it doesn't feel knotty for me---it is complex, but these suppositions are based on facts ---  the ex said: "Block Shatra because she just wants your friendship to contact me" and another fact is he himself didn't block me---using logical asssumption (Ex is saying that, so therefore if he (or anybody) wants me not to know about him, he will then block me from social media... .umm, except that he has not blocked me.  In other words, he is saying to Tom to block me---yet he himself is not blocking me... .

   I am choosing to write about his thoughts and choices because they are unusual and may be related to his BPD

[kentavr3]

This is a common practice of Cluster B to push people against each other. Cluster B gets trust first and after knowing some valuable sides of your friends tells really bad stories and push against each other. I lost 3 best friends. I understand, what are you going through. Read a book by Billy Eddy about high conflict persons in court. his book has a letter to your friends. If you lost your friends already and have possibility to talk to them - talk and explain. In my case , I could return none of them. So, I accepted this lost. Also, not all people can understand about personality disorders. Trying to  Educate them can also failed.  Probably, the best advice is to be a submarine. lie down on the bottom and wait. 6 months.

[gotbushels]

------ Because when he says something strong like this (telling Tom to block me)  it naturally triggers a feeling in me (mine is confusion, since he has not been on a smear campaign, and also has not blocked me himself)... .feelings stem from thoughts about events and words.  What is thinking about his intentions giving me? Thinking about his intentions would give me more clarity and understanding (hence less confusion) if someone has insight or experience

Ok. That makes sense to me, as you described similarly before. I'm sorry if you feel like you're repeating yourself shatra, I wanted to narrow the scope of your feelings. It seemed to me there might have been something else going on here that may have been helpful to you. From this thread, I think that's not the case.

----- Specifically, it is upsetting and confusing for 2 reasons:
1)  He has not been on a smear campaign , yet he is telling Tom not to see me and to block me since he says I "want information" on him... .meaning if ex was on a smear campaign and criticizing me, I would expect him to do this (Shatra is "black" so stay away from her... .but Tom said that is not it, the ex said ":)on't see Shatra"... .I haven't aksed Tom anything about the ex, so again it is not making sense for the ex to say that ---it's not based on facts

I see.

2)  The ex has not blocked me, yet he told Tom to block me.  If in fact the ex didin't want me to have info on him, naturally the ex would have blocked me (but he didn't)... .so again it makes no sense---there is another reason he doesn't want Tom and I to be close.  Specifically, the reasons the ex gave for telling Tom to avoid me (Shatra wants info on me) just aren't legit, since the ex hasn't blocked me, and since Tom and I actually don't talk about ex

Ok.

---- (  You said writing about the "if" suppositions gets knotty--it doesn't feel knotty for me---it is complex, but these suppositions are based on facts ---  the ex said: "Block Shatra because she just wants your friendship to contact me" and another fact is he himself didn't block me---using logical asssumption (Ex is saying that, so therefore if he (or anybody) wants me not to know about him, he will then block me from social media... .umm, except that he has not blocked me.  In other words, he is saying to Tom to block me---yet he himself is not blocking me... .

Ok.

   I am choosing to write about his thoughts and choices because they are unusual and may be related to his BPD

Ok. You mentioned earlier this general behaviour is confusing and upsetting to you. You mentioned you are choosing to write about his thoughts and choices despite this connection with confusion and upset. I understand this from what you describe. I'm not saying it's an issue it's just a description. 

Summarily, it seems his actions seem inconsistent with what you think he would be doing. From the reasons we discussed above, which reason do you prefer that explains his behaviour? Which reason satisfies you the most that may content you in explaining his behaviour? It's also fine if you did not find a reason that satisfies you. I was just wondering what you thought about the reasons, in this particular way. Did you find the insight that you wanted from this thread? A no is also completely fine shatra. I'm just looking into this.   

Probably, the best advice is to be a submarine. lie down on the bottom and wait. 6 months.

An interesting idea  kentavr3. You're right, some Cluster Bs do set people against each other as a result of some of the things they do.

[Panda39]

I see this as black and white thinking.  In his mind they have to choose being friends with him or being friends with you, he can't see that someone can be friends with both of you.


Panda39

[shatra]

Got bushels wrote--
From the reasons we discussed above, which reason do you prefer that explains his behaviour? Which reason satisfies you the most that may content you in explaining his behaviour? It's also fine if you did not find a reason that satisfies you. I was just wondering what you thought about the reasons, in this particular way. Did you find the insight that you wanted from this thread?

----Good questions!  I didn't find the insight I wanted, but I appreciate the feedback, and looking at some possible reasons for his behavior (telling the mutual friend to block me, though he himself has not blocked me) is interesting.
    Lucky Jim's insight that it is "typical BPD insecure behavior" sounds like a good lead--I am unsure how the insecurity would make the pwBPD insist that a mutual friend block me
   Valet's insight that it is black and white thinking definitely makes sense... .and the idea that it is part of a smear campaign would fit, but as far as I know the ex is not painting me black behind my back.
   So I am still wondering why the pwBPD would assume that I am "trying to get info on him" from our mutual friend (especially since I have not brought him up or asked the friend about my ex?).  I wonder if perhaps the ex is jealous that the friend and I are friends?  Or is he projecting/assuming that I wanted to meet with the friend just to discuss him (egocentric)?

Thanks

[shatra]

Re: Gotbushels question re: possible explanations why the ex didn't block me, but told his friend to:
looking at some possible reasons for his behavior (telling the mutual friend to block me, though he himself has not blocked me) is interesting.
    Lucky Jim's insight that it is "typical BPD insecure behavior" sounds like a good lead--I am unsure how the insecurity would make the pwBPD insist that a mutual friend block me
   Valet's insight that it is black and white thinking definitely makes sense... .and the idea that it is part of a smear campaign would fit, but as far as I know the ex is not painting me black behind my back.
   So I am still wondering why the pwBPD would assume that I am "trying to get info on him" from our mutual friend (especially since I have not brought him up or asked the friend about my ex?).  I wonder if perhaps the ex is jealous that the friend and I are friends?  Or is he projecting/assuming that I wanted to meet with the friend just to discuss him (egocentric)?

[Lucky Jim]

   Lucky Jim's insight that it is "typical BPD insecure behavior" sounds like a good lead--I am unsure how the insecurity would make the pwBPD insist that a mutual friend block me

Hey shatra, Consider this: if the mutual friend thinks you are OK and remains in contact, that means the pwBPD is incorrect in his/her assessment of you, right?  Which is unthinkable for a pwBPD, in my view.

LuckyJim

[shatra]

   Lucky Jim's insight that it is "typical BPD insecure behavior" sounds like a good lead--I am unsure how the insecurity would make the pwBPD insist that a mutual friend block me

Hey shatra, Consider this: if the mutual friend thinks you are OK and remains in contact, that means the pwBPD is incorrect in his/her assessment of you, right?  Which is unthinkable for a pwBPD, in my view.

LuckyJim

---Thank you... .so it would sort of porve the pwBPD wrong... .which would upset him. Also, since the friend and I are still freinds, and we don't actually talk about the ex, the ex is wrong (i.e. I am not friends with the mutual friend just to get info on my ex)

Panda wrote---
I see this as black and white thinking.  In his mind they have to choose being friends with him or being friends with you, he can't see that someone can be friends with both of you.


Panda39
-------Yes it is black and white thinking.  Also, the ex is against me being friends with his friend because the ex believes I am using that friendship to "get updated information" on my ex... .not sure why he would think that?

[Lucky Jim]

---Thank you... .so it would sort of porve the pwBPD wrong... .which would upset him. Also, since the friend and I are still freinds, and we don't actually talk about the ex, the ex is wrong (i.e. I am not friends with the mutual friend just to get info on my ex)

Right, you got it!  Agree w/Panda.  He can't conceive that a person could be friends with both of you.

LuckyJim