How has your BPD reacted when you apologise to them?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just a topic of interest...

How has your BPD reacted when you apologised to them?

Did they see it as a sign of weakness?
Does it always lead to more devaluing?
Did they accept your apology?
Was there any way you delivered an apology that you found effective or not so effective? Why?
How did they perceive your apology?
If you're painted black, can apologising paint you white again?

Let me know your experiences in regards to BPD and apologising.

[Curiously1]

Just a topic of interest...

How has your BPD reacted when you apologised to them?

Did they see it as a sign of weakness?
Does it always lead to more devaluing?
Did they accept your apology?
Was there any way you delivered an apology that you found effective or not so effective? Why?
How did they perceive your apology?
If you're painted black, can apologising paint you white again?

Let me know your experiences in regards to BPD and apologising.

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[lovecanbehard]

For me, it depends on his mood and why were fighting. Me apologizing has always had a different outcome with him.

It's usually one of three things:

1. I MUST have done something wrong, maybe even worse than what I'm apologizing for because if I did nothing wrong there should be no reason to apologize. I am probably feeling a ton of guilt and so I must be hiding something. (This one is most common for me and makes my brain spin)
2. Thank you for the apology, I have been waiting for you to acknowledge my feelings. (rare)
3. Okay, whatever. (common)

I found the most effective way to apologize to my pwBPD is waiting for him to cool down and then sitting him down and saying, "I know you feel ________ about _______ and I'm so sorry that I/it made you feel this way. I totally understand why you feel ________" He doesn't accept the apology right away, he might still be a little angry, but I find he "comes back" faster when I approach him this way.

I don't think apologizing can always "paint you white" again. It's all up to how he is feeling.

[Curiously1]

For me, it depends on his mood and why were fighting. Me apologizing has always had a different outcome with him.

It's usually one of three things:

1. I MUST have done something wrong, maybe even worse than what I'm apologizing for because if I did nothing wrong there should be no reason to apologize. I am probably feeling a ton of guilt and so I must be hiding something. (This one is most common for me and makes my brain spin)
2. Thank you for the apology, I have been waiting for you to acknowledge my feelings. (rare)
3. Okay, whatever. (common)

I found the most effective way to apologize to my pwBPD is waiting for him to cool down and then sitting him down and saying, "I know you feel ________ about _______ and I'm so sorry that I/it made you feel this way. I totally understand why you feel ________" He doesn't accept the apology right away, he might still be a little angry, but I find he "comes back" faster when I approach him this way.

I don't think apologizing can always "paint you white" again. It's all up to how he is feeling.

Thanks for the tips for structuring apologies

Can you explain #1 more for me? So if you are apologising, he thinks you are up to something or you did something worse than he expected for you to apologise? Is that correct?

I can imagine my BPD friend being more on #3 and stay silent or think worse of me since she already concluded I was being too emotional. I've given her plenty of space and have a feeling I won't hear from her unless I am the one to reach out. I cannot predict at all how she will react but I wanted to pop in an apology for what I think I need to apologise for. But you're right, in the end it would be up to how the BPD is feeling...

Last time I apologised to her she remained silent. At a later date, I tried to reach out again but this time asked her if she wanted to do something not mentioning any of the previous issues or sorries and she instantly replied back as if nothing ever happened between us. (We are just apart again cos of another falling out).

I still think I owe her an apology for certain things and don't want to pretend nothing happened but for her in particular, I wonder if she prefers pretending nothing happened and if sweeped it under the rug she would respond more positively... .

Don't really know how I am going to approach it yet but to me an apology is warranted.

[lovecanbehard]

Thanks for the tips for structuring apologies

Can you explain #1 more for me? So if you are apologising, he thinks you are up to something or you did something worse than he expected for you to apologise? Is that correct?

Yes, exactly. So for instance, I go out with my friends and miss a phone call but call him back as soon as I see it. He's a little mad, I say, "I'm sorry I missed your phone call, I know you were probably worried," sometimes his reaction will be "normal". Other times it will be, "You must be cheating on me because you're apologizing for missing my call. If everything was innocent, you wouldn't feel the need to apologize." Things like that.

I can imagine my BPD friend being more on #3 and stay silent or think worse of me since she already concluded I was being too emotional. I've given her plenty of space and have a feeling I won't hear from her unless I am the one to reach out. I cannot predict at all how she will react but I wanted to pop in an apology for what I think I need to apologise for. But you're right, in the end it would be up to how the BPD is feeling...

Last time I apologised to her she remained silent. At a later date, I tried to reach out again but this time asked her if she wanted to do something not mentioning any of the previous issues or sorries and she instantly replied back as if nothing ever happened between us. (We are just apart again cos of another falling out).

I still think I owe her an apology for certain things and don't want to pretend nothing happened but for her in particular, I wonder if she prefers pretending nothing happened and if sweeped it under the rug she would respond more positively... .

Don't really know how I am going to approach it yet but to me an apology is warranted.

I am no expert on BPD at all. I am still learning a ton. And again, every person reacts differently in different situations. If she is pretending nothing has happened, I would personally go along with it. She seems to respond better when you don't. Maybe apologize about the situation when you guys are in a better place? "Hey, I was just thinking and I'm sorry ______ happened a while ago."

Sorry I'm not much help. Again, learning too.

[Oncebitten]

Curiously1

I have to agree with love can be hard.  All depends on their mood.  I have found its best not to apologize for something if they don't bring it up.  Because with pwBPD its out of sight out of mind.  If they don't mention it, you don't.  And with my GF doesn't matter how many times I apologize, when something triggers that thought its like you just committed the act all over again.   

[BowlOfPetunias]

Sometimes, it does not make any difference, or it makes it even worse.  This happens when she is arguing with our son as well.  

You know how a dog ends a fight by exposing its stomach?  This sends the message, "I give, you can kill me.  But we both know you that instinct means you are unlikely to actually kill me.  We can stop fighting now."  This tacit understanding allows dog fights to avoid always being fights to the death.  With my wife, sometimes it seems like she sees my apology as an invitation to hit harder.  It has to be a fight to the death.  Even if I completely give in to her position and stop arguing against her, the fight continues.  And continues.  And continues.

A little over a year ago, for example, our son took a Simpsons comic book out of the library about a year ago.  Our daughter, then 6, asked me to read it to her.  At one point, my wife got upset and said that the material was inappropriate.  I said I was sorry and stopped reading.  That should have been enough.  But she kept yelling at me about how inappropriate it was and that we needed to agree that it was inappropriate--it was not enough for me to stop reading it.  Sort of like Orwell's thought crimes--not engaging in the forbidden behavior is not enough.  You need to change what is inside your head.  I kept saying OK and apologizing, but she just kept on going.  When she does this, it feels like she thinks I am so stupid that you need to beat things into my thick skull.  (I have a Ph.D., BTW.)  It also reminds me of how my parents used to punish our dogs and cats when they had accidents--rubbing their noses in it.  And all of this happened in front of both of our kids.

The irony was that a few days before this she had announced that the whole family was watching The Simpsons Movie, which was WAY more inappropriate than the comic book.  (She objected to the comic book mentioning Barney's 12-step program.  Compare that to all of the sexual stuff in the movie!)

More recently, she got into a fight with our son, 13, at the dinner table.  I believe the fight was over cleaning his room.  At one point, I said, "I can see you are angry and what he did is frustrating.  But what else do you want him to do right now?"  "He needs to apologize!"  "He already has apologized.  Several times."  I do think that the marriage counseling we did and the validating I used here were part of the reason she was able to calm down after that.  Also, she has started seeing an individual therapist and a psychiatrist at the urging of the marriage counselor.  (The formal diagnosis is Bipolar II, but as we know BPD is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar.)

[Oncebitten]

BowlofPetunias hits the nail on the head.  Apologizing almost makes it worse.  My gf loves to put me in those no win situations.  She tells me she doesn't want to fight so I say fine I am not going to fight you on this.  Then I am spinless because I wont stand up for myself (its always something trivial, which I dont care about in the first place so why fight?) Or if i do fight I am unreasonable because I always have to be right and have my way.

Oh and Bowl... .do love the name have seen you here before and wondered... .big Hitchhikers fans

[LuckyTown]

When I apologized to my ex for little things, she used to get annoyed and say "Stop apologizing. One day you're gonna do something you should really apologize for and I won't forgive you." At that point in our relationship I was still unaware of her BPD and found her words just kind of silly and odd because I was never going to do anything bad to her (and never did).
After she broke up with me, I figured I had no reason to say sorry because I had done nothing. However, a few months went by and I thought to myself that this person means more to me than my ego and I sent her a short written apology. To this day she hasn't acknowledged it. Her behavior towards me just got worse.

[FiveForFighting]

So, the response I usually receive after apologizing (which is done usually to make peace and not due to actual wrongdoing) is that "if you were really sorry, you wouldnt do such and such again" Impossible situation given we're human and we hurt people and we truly do make mistakes occasionally which will be bought back up in order to provide additional ammunition and to support the fact that we're bad people.

[Meili]

FFF, I have gotten the same thing when I apologize for something.

I would caution you against apologizing for something that you didn't do though. You don't want to validate the invalid.