She asked "Did I break you?" How do I respond?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Earlier today the wife decided she needed to get out of the house for a bit, when she returned she said she had been thinking about me and about her relationship and asked herself "did I break my husband?". I asked what she meant and she said that I am not the same person I used to be, which is true. Before I got to answer though her attention shifted to something else. Honestly I don't know how to respond. I don't want to play the blame game as I have played my part in allowing much of the drama, but her antics over the years have definitely jaded me. I also fear that saying yes will cause unnecessary guilt for her, or when she gets in anger mode it could feed her desire to destroy me or as she has said " treat him like ___ because he's hurt you" ( urge comes out when she is rehearsing old offences)... Anyone have any insight on how to handle this question?

[montenell]

Earlier today the wife decided she needed to get out of the house for a bit, when she returned she said she had been thinking about me and about her relationship and asked herself "did I break my husband?". I asked what she meant and she said that I am not the same person I used to be, which is true. Before I got to answer though her attention shifted to something else. Honestly I don't know how to respond. I don't want to play the blame game as I have played my part in allowing much of the drama, but her antics over the years have definitely jaded me. I also fear that saying yes will cause unnecessary guilt for her, or when she gets in anger mode it could feed her desire to destroy me or as she has said " treat him like ___ because he's hurt you" ( urge comes out when she is rehearsing old offences)... Anyone have any insight on how to handle this question?

[HopefulDad]

If this is a conversation you really wish to have, I would go the route of "I do think we've broken both each other and ourselves." And if you think about it, there's a ton of truth to that.  She'll obviously ask in what ways and this is where you need to own how you've been awful to each other and also awful to yourselves (such as enabling any bad behavior with poor boundaries).  If she wants to fight over the details or the percentage of blame, this is where you just state "I'm not interested in divvying out the blame.  Without a doubt it's on both of us and I'm accepting my role in that."

When she asks what you want to do about it, I strongly recommend suggesting that professional help would be a good start.

Difficult conversations with pwBPD might go south quickly, but sometimes it's worth attempting them... .especially if they are the ones opening the door to such topics.

[Mutt]

I agree with everything HopefulDad said. How did you deal with your dilemna montenell?

[montenell]

I agree with everything HopefulDad said. How did you deal with your dilemna montenell?

The subject changed so we never talked further about it

[RunningWithScissors]

I don't have a great answer, but I'd be curious what her response would be if you replied with another question:  ':)o you want to break me?' or ':)o you want me to be broken'.  And then, 'Why?'.

I learned on another site that you don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to.  Sometimes a non-answer is the best thing to do.

[Icanteven]

I'd be curious what her response would be if you replied with another question:  ':)o you want to break me?' 

I read that in Ivan Drago's voice.  "Must you break me?"  And then Soviet Anthem plays. 

Ok, sorry.

I'm on a different page than the other folks given her actions.  She was looking to tussle.  If she actually cared what the answer was she would have had the conversation with you, not dropped it nor failed to revisit it.  And, if you bring it back up not only have you taken the bait, but you'll have also shown her that she's able to monopolize your mind.

You know her best, but from where I sit she's looking to create drama, not have a meaningful conversation.  If she does bring it up, offer a quick "nope" and move along.  In the meantime, do things to course correct  the behaviors you've engaged in to foster the drama.  Granted, I'm speaking from my own experiences of having my wife test me with that type of question, but I've engaged and not, and not has been the right decision every time on those out of the blue one-offs.