How do I handle situation with uBPDbf (giving me ST) when he reaches out?

[lovecanbehard]

I moved from the "Saving a relationship" forum because of information I received today. I believe we are still "together" he is just "punishing" me by giving me ST.

So quick summary: LDR boyfriend, we have been together for 2.5 years but LDR for about 2 weeks now. He has been giving me ST since Sunday morning (2 days) after I voiced my insecurity issues (not with him, just in general... .being alone in a new place, etc). Repeatedly kept hanging up on me on Saturday night then completely stopped answering my calls on Sunday. I've been NC with him since yesterday morning per advice here but I have been speaking to his mom (who has been texting me wondering what's going on). I fear with the "out of sight/out of mind" aspect he will try to cheat on me since he is NC, and I'm out of sight, he's done it before (messaging girls to go on dates, etc)... .never got anywhere, but has tried... .

So I spoke to his mom today, she gave me a call when I texted her. He saw me text her so that was a bummer and I feel like it just undid my two days of NC. :/ However, she told me that he said that "he loved me" and "that he's in it for the long haul" and "I need to trust him." He was not happy about our last conversation. So basically I think his ST is a "punishment" vs a "getaway". I know my role in this--I lost my cool and JADE and did a bunch of things wrong that I didn't know prior to finding this community. So I'm really sorry about it since I've learned a lot more... .

His mom agrees that ST is not good treatment but obviously neither of us can get involved re that... .he's just angry. However, she shot down my fears of him being unfaithful even though in my gut I feel that although he's been faithful, he's still been "looking". Obviously being his mom she doesn't agree but I digress. I'm still worried but I won't bring that up until I'm physically there for a week, because of physical intimacy and trust issues with this going on... .

So where I'm at now: I know he will reach out to me... .when, who knows? but now I am feeling a lot more anger vs. sadness. Mostly "how dare he make himself the good guy and make me feel crazy" and "how dare he claim to love me and tell everyone that I'm the one but is still giving me ST and making me feel like the bad guy". I'm just... .angry now. And I'm wondering what the best approach will be when he finally does speak to me. Should I just pretend like nothing happened until we are on level ground and then bring it up? Should I mention I was hurt? I don't want to have him come back just to fall away again but I'm so scared and hurt and angry... .

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[livednlearned]

Hi lovecanbehard,

Silent treatment is hard, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Do you feel there are things you can for yourself to soothe the abandonment anxiety this is bringing up?

This might help you with the urge to bring it up with him next time you see each other.

The BPD loved one in my life does not do well rehashing old hurts, it only creates emotional arousal multiplied by ten, all the past hurts roll back into the new one and things go downhill fast.

It may be best to exude confidence, since it's possible that insecurity/neediness may have been a trigger for him, tho it's hard to say.

People with BPD can regulate their emotions externally, so your mood may influence his, and you want him to feel secure. That may be accomplished by resetting things to stable, a fresh start of sorts.

[Jessica84]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. ST's can be rough, leaving us feeling helpless, lost and in the dark.

If you can, try to let the anger go so you don't unleash it when he contacts you again. This could overwhelm him. May also help to let go of how unfair this is to you. pwBPD by nature can be self-absorbed in an emotional state. They don't always mean to, but they don't think of how unfair and cruel they are being. It's about them trying to regain control. So he may be giving ST as a way of coping, rather than trying to punish you. Along the lines of better to be silent than to say something hurtful out of anger. My bf has told me after a ST he was trying to "collect his thoughts" (regulate himself and his emotions). I know it hurts, but try to be patient.

I would let him be for now. You both need time to let things cool. In the meantime, try to distract yourself. It will help you clear your head. Focus on a project or hobby or go see a movie or exercise. Whatever makes YOU feel better. Then come back to the problem. You may have a different perspective.

[Jessica84]

The BPD loved one in my life does not do well rehashing old hurts, it only creates emotional arousal multiplied by ten, all the past hurts roll back into the new one and things go downhill fast.

This is mine too. Exactly. Which is why I try so hard to let old hurts go. And I have to throw my sense of "fairness" out the window. Not always easy, but things rarely ever get resolved by my bringing them up with him. Just more of the same... .only amplified.

[lovecanbehard]

Ahh thank you. So I read this right before he ended up calling. It was a quiet, slow, unsure conversation but at least be called. His explanation was that he hates my insecurities, plain and simple, so yes I think he was "running away" from them.

I did say "please don't do that again" and he said "I won't, I promise" though with BPD you can never be sure.

It's going to take time to get us back to normal. I can hear it in his voice, not as "in love" and "sweet" sounding as normal.

I did mess up once. He asked me if we could talk later, I said yes. I then said can we also skype? And he said "maybe". I wasn't thinking and I said, "aw why not?" In the most normal nonchalant tone but he just snapped and said "can you just take an answer?" I should have just said okay.

Definitely learning how to work on communication. Trying not to JADE or invalidate. Tonight will be a lot of hard work.

Please throw me any advice you may have.

[lovecanbehard]

pwBPD by nature can be self-absorbed in an emotional state. They don't always mean to, but they don't think of how unfair and cruel they are being. It's about them trying to regain control.

Thanks I needed to be reminded of this.

[Jessica84]

I'm glad he called.  Don't worry about your slip-ups. Use them to learn from. It is likely the "aw why not" may have been too soon. Any other time might not have set him off. You can't rush how long it takes for him to get back to his base line. Until then, wait. Don't assume everything is back to normal... .yet. They don't get over things the same as we do. They hop back and forth from black to white.

Validate with SET (mostly support/empathy until he's calmer - save your "truth" for another time).

Livednlearned asked a good question earlier - how can you soothe your own insecurities and abandonment anxieties so you won't feel the need to bring it up again?

This will go a long way in improving future contact with him. If YOU feel more at ease, HE will too. One way I do this is by immersing myself in something else. My head is clearer when I've stopped focusing on him (or obsessing). And by the time he calls again, I've gotten past the angst of it. I would mop my floors, put a puzzle together, watch a funny movie. Anything to get him out of my head! 

[lovecanbehard]

I do think insecurity/neediness may trigger him. Looking back at our past fights, he gets the most angry when I'm hurt (his words a long time ago: "You make me feel like sh**". I re-read this whole thread again and thank you guys for reminding me I need to exude confidence. When I seem down about being out here (normal just-moved-and-have-no-friends-yet blues) he just says, "Well you should have stayed here then," and it seems to trigger him a little bit. So now I know that around him I shouldn't be insecure, or at least share my insecurities with a friend and not him.

My other issue with that is I feel like sometimes he wants me to be insecure. Sometimes when I show too much confidence it makes him feel belittled. So I guess I have to walk a fine line and just kind of read him better. (Side note: He said he would have answered my text if I sent the "right" text message... ."you should be able to read my mind by now"

As far as handling my own insecurities and abandonment issues, that's definitely something I need to work on. I like your ideas of watching a funny movie and playing a game. Before I moved here, I would just go out with some friends but unfortunately I'm not in that position for a few weeks while I get to know people. I am in school so I should be studying during those moments and focusing on school, though it's hard to take your mind off of ST and then go straight into studying (not fun). I suppose now that I'm in a new city, my new activity could be to explore it!

Regardless of whether it's not fully "normal" between us right now , the fact that he called really helped. At least I know he is still talking to me. ST it torture, and now I can give him space knowing things are okay. And now I can prepare if there is another ST and know that I need to keep myself busy and that he'll probably always reach out (even though it's torturous).

Insecurity is new to me. I've dated before and have always been secure and well adjusted. But along with the talking to other girls and messaging them behind my back during his phases of devaluing... .well, it can really break a self-esteem. Sometimes I feel crazy because he'll do something that I think is so terrible (to me or someone else) and then treat it as if it was nothing. I think I search for that idealization phase that was there from the beginning. Before I knew about his BPD, it used to drive me crazy how he could love me so much one day and then not the next day. So being aware has helped a lot.

I'm kind of scared for a phone call tonight. If I feel it's not going well, I'll tell him I need to go for one reason or another. I just worry about my tone I guess -- happy and kind of chatter-y is how I normally am but I'm thinking now is not the time if he's still angry... .Should I be calm and just tread lightly and just have him steer the convo? When I did that earlier it was kind of... .dead air... .

[livednlearned]

I think it's a threshold thing, not a one-to-one formula, if that makes sense.

Meaning, you aim for being the confident, solid one. He needs this, because deep down, he probably recognizes his emotions are intense, tho too shameful to admit directly, especially to you. I imagine it must be quite scary on some level, and very baffling for him.

So, sometimes, being confident will rub him the wrong way, other times it's just what he wants and needs. If you are needy, it can be overwhelming for him because tending your needs is too difficult when he is working so hard to tend his own.

Overall, tho, he needs you to stand strong when he is stumbling. After he dysregulates, there will often be a sense of shame or self-loathing, and seeing the impact of his behavior on you can trigger a downward spiral.

Confidence can also be about taking care of yourself, even if it might jar him. I learned to assert my needs when it was necessary to protect myself from experiencing further emotional injury. It was a form of confidence necessary to build a safe environment, even if the boundary was not always well received. I state boundaries assertively, and don't belabor them or explain too much. If you feel you're sliding on a banana peel, maybe let him know you have an exam, or book to read, or something to do for school and that you are going to text him good night in 30 minutes.

No need to stay on the phone a long time waiting for things to go sideways... .

[Jessica84]

Insecurity was also new to me. I had good boundaries before he eroded them, along with my self-esteem. It took me a long time to learn to depersonalize his behaviors and brush a lot of it off. Have faith in yourself... .and yes, focus on studying! That's a much better use of your time than worrying about him.

To be honest, I grew to appreciate the ST's. They confused and tortured me at first too, but I started making good use of them - getting myself centered and rebuilding my self-esteem. I stopped viewing it as punishment or manipulation or a game, but rather a gift. Now I don't get them anymore so staying centered is more a daily thing. With better communication, I don't need to "regroup" so often anyway. Hang in there. Things can get better!