Hindsight (two years later)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been over two years since my BPDwife left me.  Although we have child and shared custody, we have had minimal contact.

I just realized this:

One year ago I described to someone - in detail - of how I was emotionally abused and that I had very little part in how my 20yr long relationship to a BPD women evolved. That was one year after breakup.

I honestly still hate my exwife, but looking back now, the abusive things that I saw as key events in our relationship is just a small part of the time we spent together. I can now see that my ex was a young girl unable to handle her own feelings. A young girl who couldn't stand up for herself. Deadly afraid to leave me but not content with staying. A young girl who really tried to do her best but didn't have much to give.

Looking back I realize she was not the kind of girl I was looking for, but I didn't see her for who she was. That it was my responsibility to tell her that it's not working out instead of staying with her, sulking about her not being who I expected her to be.

I still can't stand of the thought of the time I spent doing all I could to keep our rs together and how she seemed to loathe me more the harder I tried, still claiming I was the love of her life.

But the most painful and vivid memories seem to have faded quickly in the last year. The things that used to trouble me daily, now I must actively recall the memories. They don't arrive automatically.
And frankly, the things that happened two years ago don't seem nearly as relevant to my life today compared to a year ago.

I couldn't have guessed the big difference between how I felt one year post-breakup and how I feel today.
Just thought I'd let you others know how much things can change, even a long time after breakup.

[hergestridge]

It's been over two years since my BPDwife left me.  Although we have child and shared custody, we have had minimal contact.

I just realized this:

One year ago I described to someone - in detail - of how I was emotionally abused and that I had very little part in how my 20yr long relationship to a BPD women evolved. That was one year after breakup.

I honestly still hate my exwife, but looking back now, the abusive things that I saw as key events in our relationship is just a small part of the time we spent together. I can now see that my ex was a young girl unable to handle her own feelings. A young girl who couldn't stand up for herself. Deadly afraid to leave me but not content with staying. A young girl who really tried to do her best but didn't have much to give.

Looking back I realize she was not the kind of girl I was looking for, but I didn't see her for who she was. That it was my responsibility to tell her that it's not working out instead of staying with her, sulking about her not being who I expected her to be.

I still can't stand of the thought of the time I spent doing all I could to keep our rs together and how she seemed to loathe me more the harder I tried, still claiming I was the love of her life.

But the most painful and vivid memories seem to have faded quickly in the last year. The things that used to trouble me daily, now I must actively recall the memories. They don't arrive automatically.
And frankly, the things that happened two years ago don't seem nearly as relevant to my life today compared to a year ago.

I couldn't have guessed the big difference between how I felt one year post-breakup and how I feel today.
Just thought I'd let you others know how much things can change, even a long time after breakup.

[VitaminC]

Hi hergestridge,

Thank you for sharing that.

It's good to be reminded that things can and do change for us just with the passage of time. Memories can and do fade and the power of them evaporates. Other things happen in life that take our attention in different directions and more moments intersperse themselves along the timeline.

Forgetting is good in many ways and I totally appreciate that there are things that do us no good keep in our active memories. Also sometimes we need to forget a lot of details before we can see the bigger picture and that can help us move forward. 

I personally believe that some degree of processing about our own parts in any r/s is very important. I can see you've some insight into what your own expectations of your ex were. It's also good that you're checking in with yourself and gauging your progress.

Your post made me think about the value of forgetting and how forgetting and healing are connected. So thank you for that too.

I'm looking at the 5 Stages of Detachment over here on the right ------->
and thinking that Healing is a function of the interrelationship between Self-Inquiry and Good Stuff Happening and just plain old Time.

Mathematically expressed, for the heck of it: H:= f(SI,GSH,T)

[bestintentions]

Hergestridge,

Thank you so much for posting this.  I'm two months removed from my stbxBPDw walking out of our 25 year r/s after finally admitting to several affairs in the last 5 (and who knows... .perhaps more) and living a current life of reckless promiscuity.  While I'm trying to focus on getting past it and seeing her for who she is and has been, I'm still in shock and disbelief in many ways.  Your post gives me encouragement that I can eventually rediscover happiness and hopefully feel safe enough to let someone in again, although it seems impossible right this moment.

Without her in my daily life and two kids in college... .it's been an incredibly difficult transition to not be needed by someone at any given moment and I realize that's my challenge going forward - to grow out of it and become, completely, who I am.  I'm trying to face it head on, but the rollercoaster of emotions can avalanche on me at seemingly any time.  The baffling nature of BPD behaviors had her saying "No doctor would find anything wrong with me.  People cheat and get divorced every day" to admitting to not wanting to live her life this way within a 5 minute period.

Thanks again for sharing and giving hope to this community.

bi