Self Confidence

[SoMadSoSad]

How do you have self confidence in dating if you are not physically atrractive

[VitaminC]

Confidence is about a lot more than physical appearance!  And who's the judge of what's physically attractive anyway?  I think real confidence is the external show of generally ok self-esteem. If we feel we are pretty much ok, deep down, we'll radiate a nice quiet confidence to the world. 

But even if we only sometimes feel we're ok, we can still be confident about some things or at some times. We can feel confident about some skill or talent we have or how we perform in certain kinds of situations.

Someone can be confident about their interactions with potential romantic partners, but have very little confidence about their performance in their jobs. Or vice versa. I mean, there are so many things, so many permutations.

Can you say more about what motivates your question?

[schwing]

Hi SoMadSoSad,

IMO, nothing is more attractive than being happy.  Nothing is more inspiring of self-confidence, than a person who knows how to be happy. Dating is just meeting people until you find someone/something that interests you. If you meet someone you're not interested in, or they're not interested in you, then you meet someone new. Physical attraction only gets your foot in the door, it's for other reasons why people stay.

I think it helps to see dating/courtship through a social dance metaphor. You want to dance. You ask someone if they want to dance. If they refuse you, then you ask someone else. To dance/court with confidence, you can't allow a refusal (or a poor dance partner) to ruin your love of the dance.

If you respond to refusals too strongly as a rejection (say, of your physical attractiveness), then I say become immune to rejection.  Subject yourself to certain rejections and see how even after many rejections, you are still, intact.  You are still you, and that is sufficient. Sticks and stones... .

In my experience psychology dominates courtship dynamics; this is the true dance.  So it's incredibly important to figure out what makes you happy besides being in a relationship. If you can be happy then you will attract people who want that in their lives. If you know what makes you happy, you will have a better idea of what kinds of people can add (or subtract) to your happiness. You know better how to communicate what adds to your happiness.

If you only manage to fake being happy, then you will only attract the kind of people who can't tell the difference.  You certainly don't want people who want to change you, or fix you, or use you to work through their own dysfunctional issues. There are many of these kinds of people out in the field. Thank them, if they self-identify themselves very quickly. Unhappy people are usually not attracted to happy people.

Maybe you are not very physically attractive.  So what? That doesn't make it that much more difficult to be a happy person.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[SoMadSoSad]

Thanks for the responses guys. You both answered my question in your own ways opening my perspective on the matter. The reason I asked is because I usually find myself believing that my partner will always find someone more attractive with a better personality than me.

[schwing]

The reason I asked is because I usually find myself believing that my partner will always find someone more attractive with a better personality than me.

Be careful with that line of thinking. Maybe there is someone who is more attractive or has a better personality than you, but for the moment, that person is with you.  You deserve the opportunity to decide if this person is suitable for you. Focus on the present not some hypothetical scenario.

Now, if you find yourself over-thinking these kinds of thoughts, then consider that perhaps you are so afraid of rejection, that you are trying to convince yourself that this person is certain to reject you (because there is someone better than you for them) and perhaps you should preemptively reject them. This is a kind of self-sabotage.  And the issue resides within you and not the other person.

A possible antidote to that kind of thinking, is to be encouraging towards yourself when you feel this anxiety.

[SoMadSoSad]

The reason I asked is because I usually find myself believing that my partner will always find someone more attractive with a better personality than me.

Be careful with that line of thinking. Maybe there is someone who is more attractive or has a better personality than you, but for the moment, that person is with you.  You deserve the opportunity to decide if this person is suitable for you. Focus on the present not some hypothetical scenario.

Now, if you find yourself over-thinking these kinds of thoughts, then consider that perhaps you are so afraid of rejection, that you are trying to convince yourself that this person is certain to reject you (because there is someone better than you for them) and perhaps you should preemptively reject them. This is a kind of self-sabotage.  And the issue resides within you and not the other person.

A possible antidote to that kind of thinking, is to be encouraging towards yourself when you feel this anxiety.

Wow. The first girl I've ever fell in love with told me that there were people out there that were better for both of us. I resented her for saying this. First thing that came to mind was why aren't you out there looking for better. We should want the best for ourselves right? This led to me being unstable in the relationship and pushing her away. I recently reconnected with her after years and the topic of this came up. She said the same thing you said, that yea there are better people out there but she was with me because I was special to her. I still don't know if i fully get the concept but I feel like an a hole now that I see more emotionally mature people think that way also.

[VitaminC]

She said the same thing you said, that yea there are better people out there but she was with me because I was special to her. I still don't know if i fully get the concept but I feel like an a hole now that I see more emotionally mature people think that way also.

Oh, what's "better people"?
My ex, who was very good looking - which I only realised once I fell for him!, used to get jealous and insecure about every single man I spoke with, regardless of their looks, their personality, their intelligence, their sense of humour, their interests, their social energy, their kindness (or lack of it), their curiosity (or lack of it), their emotional maturity (or lack of it), their physical stature, their social cache - whatever.

Once he admitted to it by saying "you know so many people, how do I know you don't want to be with one of them?" - I told him: "I'm with you. And that's all I want".

What's "better people", SoMadSoSad? Who decides that? There are few objective measurements once we are really taken with someone. Certainly about outward appearance.  The person we fall for becomes uniquely beautiful to us - at least that's how it's always been for me.  I miss that feeling of finding someone so very beautiful that I can't stop looking at them. And when I look at my past relationships, I see how different they all were physically and how it was not their looks that attracted me or kept me attracted. It was a whole bunch of other things.

I order you to stop feeling like an "a hole" right this minute!

We've all had thoughts like you describe, I'm sure. "I'm not good looking enough, not clever enough, not funny enough, not silly enough, not competent enough, not rich enough, not accomplished enough... ." - yikes, that list could go on for a really long time. Like schwing said, better to be encouraging to yourself and see the good and, if you like, the areas for improvement (but gently).  

Sometimes we need a compliment or spot of reassurance, that's fine. But if we're in that space of constantly feeling we're not enough in some way, we do create problems for ourselves and ultimately the relationship. That's where the idea of working on ourselves, and appreciating the things that make us unique is helpful. I'm working on this too, so you're far from alone.

What are some things you like about yourself?

[SoMadSoSad]

She said the same thing you said, that yea there are better people out there but she was with me because I was special to her. I still don't know if i fully get the concept but I feel like an a hole now that I see more emotionally mature people think that way also.

What are some things you like about yourself?

Obviously my confidence isn't at an all time high right now so the list will be short.

-I try to be the best at everything I do (I guess this can be a good or bad thing)

- I am very kind and understanding ( This too can also be bad because I am overly empathetic)

- I am smart

- I am non judgemental

- I see the beauty in everyone and everything

- I like making people happy

... .Uh I think thats all i got for now.

[VitaminC]

That's a really nice list, SoMadSoSad!

They're all great qualities in a person, and not everyone either has them or thinks they are valuable! I think kindness and non-judgementalness and the ability to see beauty and enjoying making people happy and being smart are all incredible things. They are all about giving to others; there's a lot of generosity there.

I bet there's a whole bunch more. And, as you say, how high or low we are feeling will affect how aware we are of the things that we actually think are pretty cool about us. It's good to maybe have a list that we keep adding to, which we keep in our wallets to yank out whenever we need a reminder. It's a reality check, actually. That list shows which things about yourself you place value on. So that's an important list. Ideally, we surround ourselves with people who place value on similar things. If you think kindness is important, and you place value on your own kindness, then you want to have people close to you and in your life who see your kindness and appreciate it in you and move through their life with a similar impulse.

I saw the following in another thread and copied it out for myself. I think it's really good:

from: Thich Nhat Hanh (Buddhist Monk)

Devotion with No Expectation: This means you should always do what you consider to be the right thing or make a beautiful gesture regardless of the response.

To me, that's giving the best in us the reigns and makes me feel calmer when I get a bit riled about all the things there are to do and be good at.

Why is your confidence not so high at the moment?  Mine isn't either, just now, as it happens, and I'm working out the reasons while revisiting the basics of what I think is important - what I value. It's sometimes much easier to see our flaws or shortcomings, everyone has plenty of them. It's much more helpful to see the good in ourselves and proceed with that.

[SoMadSoSad]

Ive never had much self confidence as far as physical appearance goes. I was Ialways rejected by girls I liked growing up. I think I place too much emphasis on looks but I dont know how to change that.

[VitaminC]

By paying more attention to the many other things that are far more important.   

Looks fade, even for those that are born with Hollywood smiles. But all those great things that make you you, they just get better!

[earlgrey]

I think I place too much emphasis on looks but I dont know how to change that.

Hi SMSS... .I am facing the same problem too, getting distracted by the physical. I think I always have done.

I've not got any answers yet but I'm working on it. See... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298443.0

for some ideas.

[heartandwhole]

Obviously my confidence isn't at an all time high right now so the list will be short.

-I try to be the best at everything I do (I guess this can be a good or bad thing)

- I am very kind and understanding ( This too can also be bad because I am overly empathetic)

- I am smart

- I am non judgemental

- I see the beauty in everyone and everything

- I like making people happy

... .Uh I think thats all i got for now.

That's a pretty fantastic list, SMSS.     Those are things I value very much in a person, and would certainly pique my interest.

And I'd like to also offer the idea that you are lovable simply for BEING. You are worthy of love and caring because you exist. I know that sounds really philosophical and maybe woo hooey, but this is something I find challenging to accept in myself, so I wanted to put it out there.

To get back to "practical" ways you can build your self-confidence: Is there something you are really good at that you enjoy doing/practicing? Or maybe some subject that you know quite a bit about? You undoubtedly have major assets (see your list above) that you can put out there and watch as people looking for that flock to you. It's not because you are trying to get anyone to like you, it's because YOU like what you are doing/being in any given moment. That's what people are attracted to, in my opinion.

Being handsome/beautiful can open lots of doors and attract all kinds of people to you; that's true. But physical beauty is just that: physical beauty. It absolutely doesn't guarantee that people will love you or stay with you once you've gotten their attention. Your list above is a much more powerful draw, in my opinion, because it reveals who you are more authentically than what physical features you happen to have inherited. 

heartandwhole

[SoMadSoSad]

Thanks a lot for the responses. Earl I will definitely start reading and posting in your thread to gain and give insight. Heartandwhole your post has made me feel much better that there are people that cherish these qualities I value. Its just sad that we as a society place so much emphasis on looks that these qualities go unseen because my looks ward off potential suitors . I dont expect others to change their "judging books by their cover" lifestyle but i will definitely look towards changing myself in that sense.