What kind of life does a person with BPD end up having? Patterns?

[Looking2Heal]

I'm just curious. This goes out to those that have been away from their BPD significant other for a while or for a person with BPD that is a little wiser. I wonder what kind of life will my high functioning ex SO have? What will he do? Will he self-destruct? Does it get worse (he is fairly young)? What kind of future is expected? Is there a typical pattern? I just sit here and can't help but think what a sad life for the person with BPD and the people who form close interpersonal relationships with them and get hurt badly.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Looking2Heal-

And welcome to the Detaching board. 

The suicide rate among borderlines is higher than the average, since living with the disorder is a living hell, but barring that, everyone's different, and the bigger the challenge, the bigger the adjustments, tools, compensations, just like everyone else.  What's typical is someone who exhibits traits of the disorder will continue to exhibit them unless they enter long-term treatment, which is not a cure, it's a process of learning to temper the emotions and behaviors that are inherent in the disorder.

So how are you doing Looking?  You mention in your first post that you're getting divorced, I'm sorry, and how are your emotions around that and your detachment?

[JQ]

Hello Looking2Heal, (L2H)

Welcome to the group, I'm glad you found us but sorry to see you hear because of your exBPDbf.  We're kinda of anonymous here so feel free to share more information as it will help us understand what your going through and better share what we have experienced. So how long have you two been a thing?  How long have you been separated? Kids? Dogs? Share a house/apt? The usual things. I would encourage you to read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page to get additional information on BPD, r/s, setting boundaries and going NC.

What you ask is very tough for anyone to answer. No 2 people regardless if they have BPD or not are never going to be alike or react to situation in a similar fashion. What happened to me & you might be alike, but the reactions of our BPDs might be so different.  There are other things to consider too like other PD such a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or many others. Are they seeing a Therapist (T) or other professional mental health experts.

My 2nd exBPDgf is very high functioning. She is Ivy league educated with 2 Masters, works for a Fortune 300 company making 6 figures a year. Yet any r/s she has, family like mother, brothers, sisters, children are very strained and very dysfunctional. She's been married twice. I found out I am one of about 30 "bf's" she's had over the last 30 years. She has been in & out of therapy with Clinical Physiologist, Clinical Therapist & Ph.d's for over 30 years & she is no closer to "Management" of her behaviors then she was when she was 30 years ago.

Will it get better? My step mother "who is north of 70" & condition continues to get worse as recent events have proven. She continued to abuse a Fentanyl patches for pain at the same time abusing alcohol, muscle relaxers, cannabis just to mention a couple. She has emotional dysregulation almost on a daily basis, continues to throw things, & physically, emotionally, mentally abuse her partner of 25 years. My 1/2 brother is very much on the same path of self destruction. It's hard to watch much less have them in my life without having to maintain NC for my own mental health & well being.

There are stories after stories here that seem to mirror each other with the BPD behavior. You'll see comments like, "it's like they're reading from the same crazy making book".  Many people in the Mental Health Profession that are very highly educated will tend to steer away from such mentally ill patients. Funny those who chose a life of helping the mentally ill will steer away from the most broken of broken because how futile the effort is. 

What is important to learn and remember is that we're hear for you. You need to learn to live your life for yourself and help yourself get to a better place in life. You can't affect or change them, but you can certainly get to a place where you will enjoy life again and when you do you will be absolutely amazed of the friends that will surround you because of the boundaries you set for yourself. Because they like you for you and how genuine you are. Because you've learned about yourself and you have found real meaning in yourself. That you find a real sense of self!  You can't & won't find happiness in someone else experiences or in their happiness.

I wish you only the very best on your journey L2H. Come back here as often as you need to post as it's somewhat therapeutic and you come back here as often as you need too. We'll all be right here with a smile & a hug.      

J

[Looking2Heal]

I'm actually doing okay. I accepted what was beyond my control and am moving on. Therein also lies the understanding that big picture it's for the best. No contact period. I just wondered what kind of life will the person with BPD have and as I don't see treatment in the near future, (could be wrong) whether it gets worse and worse until there is a crash and burn or what typically happens. It's really just as simple as I hope to hear positive things but am worried I won't.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just wondered what kind of life will the person with BPD have and as I don't see treatment in the near future, whether it gets worse and worse until there is a crash and burn or what typically happens. It's really just as simple as I hope to hear positive things but am worried I won't.

Most folks who exhibit traits of the disorder are subclinical, which means they wouldn't meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis of the disorder but still exhibit significant traits, but some borderlines mellow with age, as most people do, the behaviors get less extreme, while others get worse.  It's person to person, and a big factor is how a borderline's attachment needs are being met, or not.

So it seems you care about him and want the best for him, which is compassionate.  He filed for divorce and do you have ongoing contact or have you stopped communicating?

[Looking2Heal]

No communication.

[pjstock42]

My BPD/npd ex gf seems to be following a very similar path to her similarly disordered older sister and I can see pretty clearly the kind of life that she'll end up with. Her sister is 36, has lived in probably ~15 different places around the world for varying lengths of time, has never had an actual "career job" but is intelligent and continues to go back to school for totally unrelated subjects. My ex came to this country after already having numerous degrees in different fields and came here specifically to get yet another graduate level degree in something that she had 0 experience with and is totally unrelated to her past work / schooling.

In the same way that relationships become boring to them and they think that there is always something better out there, they both seem to apply this to careers as well. They are both enabled by their mother who I'm sure means well but allows them to perpetuate this cycle by continuing to funnel money into their endeavors. This money, while intended to be a loan, is never actually paid back and they instead both continue to accumulate debt with the additional degrees that they pursue. Now on one hand I can understand and respect jumping to a new field at some point because you had a true passion for it and are at the appropriate time in your life to do so but these things do not apply to either of these people. My exes sister literally went to school for some new subject that had nothing to do with her past because some character on a TV show practiced this profession and it made her want to pursue it herself... .

As others have mentioned, everyone is obviously different but the similarities between these 2 pwBPD are very striking in the sense of how they both lack the ability to have any commitment/stability in their lives. My ex would always talk about how she wanted all of these degrees to be able to impress people and believed that being so educated made her better than others. I would question the importance of these superlatives, especially since she is 31 and all of these degrees have led her to having 6 figures of debt and a job making the salary of a McDonald's manager but she refused to listen to any of my advice. It seems as though she was only ever "happy" when there was something new and exciting to pursue, whether it be education, a career path, a place to live or a relationship. I was just a cog in the ever-changing machine in her mind that serves to distract her with new and shiny things to avoid becoming stable and having to actually be introspective and analyze who she is as a person. I imagine that she will end up at a point in life where the regrets of her past are overwhelming and lead her to a breaking point. Living life with the mindset of "nothing is ever good enough" being your dominant thought process must be very stressful and she will come to a time where she no longer has her youth and beauty + her mom bankrolling her to back up her flighty decision making.

[Lil Rocky]

I'm not an expert on pwBPD but I'm going to guess that it gets much worse. My ex friend, who I believe may have BPD, her life was pretty bad and one time around last Christmas, contemplated suicide. Thankfully she didn't go through with it. After she ended our friendship, I don't know for sure but I believe her life isn't better now that I'm out of the picture and could be alot worse than before, even if she did have a bf or not.

PwBPD are different and my friend isn't the same as your ex. However, I'm hoping he is doing ok as well and not going through what my ex friend is going through.

[Looking2Heal]

I feel sorry for your former friend. Do they ever look in the mirror and realize the poor choices/decisions they have made? I just don't see how they can get better/grow if they don't take responsibility and learn from them. And how much lucidity do they have when they are making those poor choices. On some level I would think they are aware of what they are doing.

[bunny4523]

I feel sorry for your former friend. Do they ever look in the mirror and realize the poor choices/decisions they have made?

I've thought about this question alot because I didn't know about BPD when I was in the relationship.  I tried to listen, validate and then point out how the facts don't add up to what you are saying to me. (i know now that really messes with a BPD because if they feel it, it is true) But anyway... .He would listen, acknowledge and agree that his reaction didn't match what was happening. 

Like one time, I asked him what he had planned for the next day since it was his birthday.  I thought maybe a co-worker was taking him to lunch.  We had planned dinner together, I had planned a surprise place so I didn't tell him where we were going.  When I asked him about his plans, he got upset at the question, later to find out he assumed I had nothing planned and was just now giving it thought.  He snapped at me and told me he had made dinner plans since he figured I would be too busy.   I told him, I'm not too busy, I thought we were having dinner together.  He was raging so I just told him that is fine if he would like to go to dinner with others and I can cancel the reservation and we can celebrate another time. 

He was lying, he had no other dinner plans but he deliberately and hurtfully excluded me from his evening.  I eventually confronted him and ask him if he lied.  He said he did because I didn't care enough to make plans in advance.  When I showed him the reservations made weeks ago and the correspondence with my mom arranging a babysitter, he just looked at me with this blank stare.  It's like he knew it was him but then the stare left and the defense came back.  Almost like he couldn't handle facing the fact that he was the one who messed up the evening.  He told me "well I don't like surprises."  I tried to talk about how hurtful his actions were from my point of view when I had done nothing wrong but actually was coming from a very loving place.  All he could say was "but I didn't know that."  I was like well you know it now... .but no accountability, no apology. 

It was really a weird response.  I saw him hide behind situations often and he didn't seem to know how to relate to me if i was hurting or upset.  It always turned back around to him.  Like I had a really dear friend kill himself and my ex was nit picking about the dishes not being washed.  (I had been busy helping with funeral arrangements and grieving) When he brought up the dishes I just said.  I'm feeling a loss right now, I can't believe he is gone, I feel so very vulnerable I keep thinking maybe there was something I could have done to help, to reach out and I said "your upset about the dishes and I'm just feeling very alone right now."  His response was. "me too".  So I guess my point is I think my ex had a hint that something was a poor decision but not as deeply as I would feel it.

I work with him still so I see him.  He is worse, a yo-yo... .things are great, things are terrible.  I hear he is going to marry his new girlfriend... .then he flips to working too much  (my guess this happens when she isn't giving him what he needs)  He is super focused on making money.  That seems to be what he does to keep emotions at bay... .just focuses on business and making money.  It's like his obsession... .I think he feels safer when his "girlfiend" is money and not a real live person.

I'm really an amazing person, I've worked on myself for years and am always learning, focusing on improving.  I am a very loving and giving partner, friend, daughter, mother, sister... .I used to wonder if he will ever realize what he lost.  I doubt it, cause it might destroy him, "his reality".  He is better off thinking I'm the bad guy.  That's fine, I know different.   But I do see him watching me sometimes and I think he gets a glimpse of who I am and then I think he shuts it down.  Tells himself some lie to make himself feel better. 


Bunny 


 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

some live managable lives like my grandmom, but she did have my grandfather to balance her out,  actually when she died he kinda, did to,  some kill them selves like my ex,  most out side of those to personal experience i dont have much more to say. 

[Lil Rocky]

I feel sorry for your former friend. Do they ever look in the mirror and realize the poor choices/decisions they have made? I just don't see how they can get better/grow if they don't take responsibility and learn from them. And how much lucidity do they have when they are making those poor choices. On some level I would think they are aware of what they are doing.

I do too. Very difficult to understand how they are when you first meet, so full of energy, very loving then in a couple of years, change drastically and become distant and cold or downright mean. They probably do look in the mirror and are aware on what they're doing but like you said, they don't want to take responsibility for their actions/ choices. Even in my ex friend's case.

[Infern0]

It really varies from individual to individual, they aren't all the same.

They almost all repeat their own individual patterns of behaviour though.

An example is

mine moves from flat to flat approx every 3-6 months.

Mine makes a new friend group approx once a year, this lasts a couple of months then she falls out with them all and goes back to her more consistent group

Once a year she tries to study and quits after around a month (every year for the last 4)

These are predictable and never fail to happen.

So it's a transient lifestyle which mirrors her childhood of being passed around relatives etc. Repetition compulsion perhaps.

She seems stable in the instability, the more consistent something becomes the worse her BPD traits become

[Panda39]

I met my SO 6 years ago and his uBPDxw continues the exact same behaviors she always has for the last 6 years.  It's interesting that this person I absolutely could not understand 6 years ago is now actually predictable in her behaviors... .still dysfunctional behaviors... .but always the same.  It's like she's stuck at 15 years old and it's groundhogs day.

Writes bad checks over and over (finally convicted of fraud for a big check and on probation)
Hand in Hand with the bad checks are 3 evictions
Hand in Hand with the evictions is repeated couch surfing
All the while telling anyone who will listen that she is buying a house
All the while telling anyone who will listen that she's getting a job
She is also making "Business Deals" where she is going to make millions (she lives on alimony)
Making promises she can't keep over and over
She uses people to "help" her and blows through them as they burn out or figure out she's "off"

She doesn't get better or worse... .just the same.

Panda39

[Looking2Heal]

That's an interesting point. It might not get increasingly better or worse per se, just continue on an on.  SAD.