How people wBPD deal with death

[JJacks0]

Does anyone here have experience with a BPD person grieving the loss of a loved one?

I'm sure it's a distinct type of grieving. I ask because I'm feeling a lot of guilt for not living up to what my ex needed after her mother passed. It would be nice to talk to someone who has also experienced this.

[VitaminC]

Hi JJack0,

My ex lost his father the year before he met me and his grandfather 2 years later.

His relationship with his father was extremely fraught (it sounded to me like the man had BPD himself) and he mentioned more than once that he felt absolutely nothing when his dad died.

He also mourned his grandfather not at all, although the family were all quite close and involved in each other's lives and he often spoke about the old man with affection.

Noteworthy to me was that he would mention one or the other death from time to time and sort of wonder at his lack of feeling about either of them. It's pretty clear to me that there is a mountain of unresolved issues there and an emotional ineptitude to even begin anything like processing them. Feelings that are too complex (as in the case of the death of his father) are buried, as much as possible, along with the father's body. I don't think this part is too surprising when we consider the nature of traumatic relationships and especially BPD and the difficulty the disorder causes in pinpointing and regulating emotions.

What was your ex's relationship with her mother like, as far as you know?

I am sorry you feel guilt that you didn't do enough or the right things when your ex's mother passed. What do you wish you had done?

We always want to be "there" for people who matter to us, and in the case of helping someone suffering a recent bereavement it can be hard to know what's right. Usually just listening patiently, doing small practical things to help out, accepting that grief is a process that takes its course in somewhat predictable, but also kind of unique, ways, is enough. Doing those things for someone with whom we ourselves have a complicated relationship might leave us feeling like we've failed on some level.

Where does this guilt come from, JJacks? Is this a recent thing or has it been there all along?

[JJacks0]

Thanks for your reply.

My ex and I had been together for 6 years when her mother passed away (last August). They were pretty close, although I know that they had a complicated r/s as well. My ex took it very hard, she was very emotional as I would expect.

I was with her and her family daily while her mom was ill/in hospice and I know how much she appreciated that. However, after her passing I started working again, taking classes, and would occasionally go out and socialize again. I bartend so I know she felt like I was gone too late all the time. There were a few times when I would go out and not come home until early in the morning when she was about to get up for work (5 am or so) and this made her really mad. In hindsight I can see why, but it happened once or twice, not regularly... .and she even admitted that she knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, she just didn't like that I was gone.

The guilt comes from knowing that I probably was gone more than I should have been. I was so dedicated to helping her while her mother was sick, and afterwards I was too, initially. I think the difference is that while her mother was sick, my ex was obviously distraught, but she was still kind to me. Afterwards the anger kind of took over everything. When I wanted to go out I was "selfish" and nobody cared about her, nobody was trying to help her. It made me so frustrated, even though I understand how she must have felt. The problem is that at the time, I felt so terrible as well. Now that I have stepped away and had time to review the situation, I would have acted differently. But at the time, I was feeling very low, depressed, frustrated, and hopeless as well. Her response to me leading my own life again came with suicide threats and misdirected anger. She blamed me alone for not helping her grieve. It bothered me that her friends and family in her mind, had no accountability - it didn't matter that they rarely called her once to see how she was. In her mind all of the weight of the world fell on my shoulders, it was up to me alone to help her recover from this loss. It was something I just felt like I couldn't do, and the more she called me names and got upset with me the more I did retreat.

And this is what has really ultimately caused the end of our relationship. It was the final trigger I believe.
So a lot of the guilt comes from knowing that I could have prevented it. Also with the better perspective and knowledge that I have now, I just hate myself for hurting her even more while she was grieving her mother. It's really been difficult for me to get past this. 

[VitaminC]

Ok, I understand a bit better now.

It sounds like you need to forgive yourself a little bit. You know things now, about BPD and about yourself, that you didn't at the time. So you look back and think "if only I'd done x,y, or z" or "if only I'd known or thought of x, y, or z".  Regrets about past actions are hard because they are based on knowledge we have in the present that we wish we could retroactively apply to situations in the past. Regrets are tough, especially if they lead to guilt - which is a tough emotion indeed.

I get it, when I think of some of the ways I behaved in my r/s, I am very sorry that I did not know and think about things as I do now. Just today some memories drifted back to me and I actually said out loud to myself " I could have been so much better for you, if I'd known then what I know now. It might have worked. I might not have hurt you as much".  Regrets are tough. But we are only one, and we are the one that we can be at that particular time. I did the best I could then, even though I can see how much better it could have been.

Your sense of guilt tells you what you think is important to do, what you place value on. This can be productive if it teaches you something or spurs you to do the things that are important to you more often. It's not productive if causes you to ruminate on the wrongness or shortfall and just wish that it had been different.

Once you've understood the guilt and what it's about, you have the option of expressing it to your ex or just noting it for yourself. Consider that you were in the place that you were at the time, that you did a lot of things right, that your intentions were good and that we all work with whatever information and resources we have at our disposal.  Hard won wisdom is precious precisely because it's hard won. We can't go back and fix things in the past because it's that very same past that taught us lessons that got us to where we are today.

You say "a lot of the guilt comes from knowing that I could have prevented it. Also with the better perspective and knowledge that I have now, I just hate myself for hurting her even more while she was grieving her mother."

You could have, maybe prevented something. It is never just the actions of one person that create a relationship dynamic, good or bad.
Your perspective and knowledge now are at least partly due to the learning and work you've done since the end of the relationship.

What about being grateful for the lessons, for the reminders of what kind of person you are (one who helps others, is there for them when she is needed), and for the countless opportunities you will have to be there in a slightly 'better' way for others in the future?

Does that sound like something possible?