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Author Topic: Start of dysregulation, how can I validate?  (Read 448 times)
waitingwife
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« on: September 01, 2016, 12:05:24 PM »

So like I have been mentioning in my previous posts uBPDH has been slowly dysregulating seeing me reach out to my brother's family as my brother's wife is going through some mood disorder issues. He has 2 little kids thst I cater to as & when I can. Honestly I worry about those kids and my brother after all the drama they're going through and I try to stay strong for my family but I think iBPDH is sensing my tension inside and he is becoming needy. The neediness is coming in the form of Silent Treatment. This morning when I tried to hug him before we got out of bed, he just took my hand off and woke up. Then he hardly was making any conversation or eye contact. I gave him a hug again from the back and he reciprocated.
Last week, we even had a conversation about him going to visit his parents who live in another country and how I told him he should go and also told him how I feel robbed off the family building oppurtunity since we can never go together. But in no way, did I stop him from going.
Seeing my brother's wife manic-depressive, he is also over identifying with her and always sides with her when I try to tell him something evil she did to me. I agree with him point of view and process my emotions. I even told him that my intention in telling him about my sil is to vent and process the hurt feelings and not to trigger him. He said he is way past it and it doesn't trigger him but all his actions only go to show me that it triggers him. He has been going back & forth with the idea of visiting his parents & sister who have verbally abused him all of childhood so it's probably all of these big emotions that are riding high.
I am planning to initiate a conversation and try sort this ST and see how I can draw my boundary?
How best can I validate and get through this? A few examples here always help me ask the right questions without invalidating! "Whats wrong, why the ST?" Has always gone south and now I know better not to be so direct. So please help me out
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waitingwife
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« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2016, 12:10:14 PM »

Reason I say I want to sort this out asap is because I am trying hard to overcome my codependency issues where earlier my go-to response was ask him whats wrong, he snaps, I become passive agreesive and get lost in my own low life. Then my self-worth takes a big hit. I have realized that the passive aggressiveness was a desperate attempt to control the situation and regain the balance in the r/s. It was a wrong approach and I have seen my mom do this so its in my grain to be passive aggressive when I can't resolve issues or with issues thst need confrontation. I am very very scared of confrontation and freeze right there... .But I am not happy just bottling up the hurt and letting it grow into resentment.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2016, 12:30:17 PM »

In his silent treatment, can he sense your neediness? You want to make him feel better, so you reach out to touch and hold him. He may know that this is you seeking to self-soothe and not necessarily about giving him what he wants (which might be distance). Or, he wants to punish you and sees it is working, which makes him see you weaken at a time he needs your strength, even as he is the one trying to weaken you.

Can you use this time to focus on yourself and take care of you?

Boundaries are about protecting you. He is erasing you with silent treatment. What makes you feel seen and heard? Can you get that need met without his involvement?
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waitingwife
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« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2016, 01:52:03 PM »

He probably does sense my neediness. I feel really good when I go hang out with a girlfriend. I have taken up reading too and thats another thing that makes me feel good. So while I take care of myself, how do I handle his ST? Should I reach out? I really don't mind him being Silent or withdrawn coz it's his pain and I want it to be with him and let him have the choice of processing it. The only other thing I seem to know other than reaching out and asking how can I help him is being quiet which makes it seem like I'm being passive aggressive. So where do I draw that line?
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Jessica84
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« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2016, 11:03:37 AM »

Let him process it in his own way, in his own time. Reaching out can push him further away. I think of it like "don't poke the bear in his cave"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) He knows you are there for him when he's ready to talk.

Taking care of yourself is not passive-aggressive. If you are used to tending to his needs first, it may feel that way but it's ok to do your own thing while he's thinking, sulking, processing... .probably best for both of you.

One other thing, if talking about your SIL is triggering him, maybe limit your venting about her. Save it for a trusted friend or other family member. My pwBPD has a short threshold for any kind of venting, much less something potentially triggering. 2-3 minutes tops.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2016, 11:55:06 AM »

Taking care of yourself is not passive-aggressive. If you are used to tending to his needs first, it may feel that way but it's ok to do your own thing while he's thinking, sulking, processing... .probably best for both of you.

This has been so true for me, too. I try to be mindful of the guilt I feel, and then let it go. It's also given me some idea about how truly hard it is to change a belief, making me feel more empathetic to what BPD loved one must do to change.

One other thing, if talking about your SIL is triggering him, maybe limit your venting about her. Save it for a trusted friend or other family member. My pwBPD has a short threshold for any kind of venting, much less something potentially triggering. 2-3 minutes tops.

Another good reminder  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I wonder if your H is responding with ST to venting + family matters, both potentially triggering. With my pwBPD, I have to work hard to stay somewhat distant, while also actively listening, in the hopes she will not become so emotionally aroused that I become associated with charged emotions around that particular family topic.
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waitingwife
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« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2016, 06:40:53 PM »

Wow this is some fabulous input and insight. I think you hit the nail on the spot! I equate being quiet with passive aggressiveness. However when he is giving me the looks and we're both in the same room and don't make eye contact nor talk, it feels so wierd. Isn't that a form of abuse? According to my T, she says I need to draw a boundary and say we cannot stay in the same room or level or house. The last time when I lost my cool, I told him until you can start being respectful of my existence, one of us will have to go live in a hotel. In 5 minutes, I realized that it was not at all practical with a D5! So I am thinking if the ST gets obnoxious, then I'll just tell him that we should be on 2 different levels since we have a multi-level house.
Oh btw, uBPDH is slowly getting centered and we had a much better day where we went out to lunch and some shopping. I also stopped venting about SIL due to triggering & over identification issues he was having.
Another thing I have noticed is becoming a pattern is when we sociaize with my brother's family, he feels like an outsider and like I am constantly watching him. I want to respect and accept his feeling/emotion coz it is true for him. When he socializes with my brother's family in my absence, he has a great time. He has accepted to my T that he feels left out and watched when we're both together with my family. So now I recognize being around my family is a trigger for him. All these years I'd avoid being around my family to maintain the balance between me & him and now I don't want to do that anymore. I have realized that I haven't nurtured other relationships that needed my love & attention. How do I go about this? I would love for him to be a part of all the fun we have weekend sleepivers, etc but not if it triggers him. How do I convey to him that I'd totally understand if he wants to stay back home and do his thing while I take D5 to hang out with her cousins? If I say this, I foresee him feeling unwanted by me and more left out! Catch 22 , isn't it?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2016, 02:21:34 PM »

I am thinking if the ST gets obnoxious, then I'll just tell him that we should be on 2 different levels since we have a multi-level house.

I understand what your T is saying. I wonder if there is a more empathetic approach. Your H seems to be responsive so maybe there is a middle way that requires more work on your part in the short term that could elicit more positive behaviors from him in the long term.

For example, can you look at your H with compassion in those moments, and see him as someone in pain when he's giving you the silent treatment? Instead of avoiding eye contact, look at him and try to see him. I know it's hard, and the ST is a very immature coping mechanism that is painful to experience. My T describes silent treatment as the feeling of being erased, which is an awful feeling. It's likely that your H was feeling this erased or empty feeling, and is now doing it to you so you know how he feels. With my BPD loved one (not a spouse, so in some ways the dynamic is different), if she is giving the ST, I will ask her point blank if she is ok. She always says yes, and I will say something about her body language and facial expression, that she looks sad or upset. She rarely acknowledges what I am saying. I also think she hears me and knows I'm paying attention to her mood states, seeing her. She has at times gone into her room and then come out like she did a costume change, her mood lifted and suddenly the storm is over.

It probably depends on how your H dysregulates, tho. My BPD loved one can be very petulant and childlike and fits more of the quiet borderline type.


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waverider
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« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2016, 06:59:15 PM »

"Whats wrong?" is always a bad opener, even with nons, its too blunt. It links the word wrong subconsciously with being wrong/negative/a direct opposite challenge. When someone does open up it is fully triggered with ahead of steam up ready for a fight.

"Is there anything bothering you?" always works better as an opener, removes the  negative/challange aspect. Easier to gradually introduce their issues without being as fully fired up.

I know my auto response to "whats wrong?" is "nothing" even if there is
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waitingwife
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2016, 07:00:21 AM »

I agree with Waverider! "Whats wrong?" almost always goes downhill coz it is very invalidating for an emotionally dusregulated person to hear and counteract that statement. I have had to practice not to ask that question a lot and try to start my questions with an "I" and even with that I can't instantly engage uBPDH but eventually my point sinks in and shortens the dysregulation.
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