My daughter is making my life hell

[MillyandMaxi]

My daughter (15) has been unofficially diagnosed with BPD. I have been living in hell for a good part of the past year. My husband refuses to believe that her behavior is attributed to problems far beyond typical puberty. I feel all alone in this "battle". I so desperately want our old family life back. I think (and my husband has also agreed at times) that she can't live with us anymore as she is tearing our family apart. Her younger brother (11) has had to endure way too pain already. When she physically attacked me a few weeks ago, he came to my rescue with a baseball bat! It makes me so sad to watch him be hurt by all of this. I am at my wits end and the situation is hopeless... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Though your situation may feel hopeless, it is familiar to many BPD families and can improve. 

Our family had been in a vicious cycle for 18 months; repeated hospitalizations, med changes, IOP, PHP 3x/ea.  We felt we weren't getting anywhere. Her last hospitalization was this past December and at that time it was decided she be placed in a residential program.  Though it wasn't our first choice, we had tried everything else and the suicidal thoughts were too much to handle home.  It is now 7 months since placement and we have grown soo much as a family. During this time her meds have changed, support has been consistent in therapy home setting, family has received weekly sessions and we have learned more effective communication.  Take a look at the tools to the right to get yourself started.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and many have walked similar paths; it can get better. 

[Mutt]

Hi MillyandMaxi,



I'd like to join Bright Day Mom and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going this. I would feel like I'm at my wits end too.

I'd like to add to what Bright Day Mom said about communication. A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) need a lot of validation amd feelings = facts, where feelings are filled by facts for the non-disordered person. It helps to validate what that person says and package your truth after. SET ( Support, Empathy, Truth ) is a good communication skill for a pwBPD.

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

This forum is a place where you can share your feelings and thoughts without being judged or invalidated. It helps to talk to people that have a mile in your shoes. You're not alone.

[MillyandMaxi]

Thank you both for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to know that I am not alone. I look forward to reading posts and exchanging information with others in a similar situation.

[Gorges]

Your situation seems identical to mine years ago.  I hope you are getting outside help and with that help please come up with a safety plan for physical abuse.  We did have to call the police and take my daughter to the emergency room one time. I still feel guilty about those episodes and don't know if I would recommend that route.   It scares me that your son is intervening as this could escalate.   Please, please get a good family therapist and try to get help.  Give the therapist a try for 3 sessions and if it doesn't seem helpful get a new one.  Keep trying but don't go this alone!

My husband was enabling to my daughter's behavior. Not the physical abuse towards me, but sometimes physical abuse towards my son and verbal abuse towards me.   I finally decided once my daughter was 18 that this was just not going to end because she was able to live legally away from us and my husband was still allowing it.   So, we met with a family therapist and I said that although I wanted my kids to have two parents, I felt that safety, emotional and physical was a top priority and if I could not execute a safety plan with my husband in the house then he should leave.  I really was ready for him to leave so I would not make this threat if you didn't know you could follow through.  Luckily, my husband has agreed to work with me and the therapist on a contract for her behavior when she is in our house.  He did also apologize for his lack of support.  Certainly the struggle is not yet over as we have to sit and discuss the contract and it has to be followed through... .