Is abandonment by BPD partner common?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

I was recently (two months ago) asked to leave the family home by my wife who has BPD, and she has now requested permanent separation and possibly divorce. She says she is well and the kids are very happy (without me).

Is this behaviour and reaction expected from a person with BPD, as my limited understanding is that they normally fear abandonment themselves rather than being the person who does the abandoning.

Thank you for any insight with this.

[Derek1690]

Hello

I was recently (two months ago) asked to leave the family home by my wife who has BPD, and she has now requested permanent separation and possibly divorce. She says she is well and the kids are very happy (without me).

Is this behaviour and reaction expected from a person with BPD, as my limited understanding is that they normally fear abandonment themselves rather than being the person who does the abandoning.

Thank you for any insight with this.

[Stripey77]

Hi Derek,

 

And sorry to read that this has happened to you. Yes, sadly, it is very common, many of these boards have been rejected, abandoned, discarded and/or even 'ghosted' by our ex partners. Many of our parters have returned to us, only do it again. And again.  I'm afraid this is an unhappy club many of us on here belong to, and I'm sure that someone else could explain the phenomenon of 'engulfment' better than me, but it's part of the horrible complexity this disorder can bring.

From what I can glean, and after my own experiences, I can only deduce that it slightly a case of 'getting in there first' and doing the abandoning before it happens to them... .BPD is almost a self fulfilling prophecy. The fear of abandonment is great, but the behaviours often projected onto us poor 'nons' mean that staying in the r/s becomes untenable, or at least, a painful and disorientating experience.  And then separation happens almost inevitably, because the pw BPD  has either done the abandoning - of their partner and the r/s - or the non leaves them. Either outcome is, I am sure, equally heartbreaking.


Don't feel alone, you're in the right place and we're all here with you.  You will get through this. We are all taking it one day at a time.  

[OutOfEgypt]

This is one of the things that made me question if my ex really had BPD or not.  I didn't see that she had a big fear of abandonment.  In fact, it seemed like she was ready to leave at any moment.  Over a 13 year marriage, she wanted to leave me or had an affair on me about every 2 years.  It was almost like clock-work.  She could discard me like it was nothing, like she wished she had done it sooner.  She told me once that she "grieved" me in one night.

It took me until the end of my protracted relationship with her to realize how deeply she *did* have abandonment fears.  See, it was easy for her to walk away from me when it was on *her* terms.  But when I stepped up and said, "no more", suddenly the tables turned.  She couldn't handle it.  When I finally ended it, and she knew I was actually resolved about it, she would call me up crying in the middle of the night, telling me she'll love me forever.  She would call me during the day and tell me about how she can't imagine growing old, sitting on the front porch, with anyone else.  And I just basically told her, "that sucks, too bad".

I also saw that the other way she handled her abandonment fears was by keeping me in such a compromised emotional state, through emotional abuse, that I always felt like too much of a loser to leave.  I always thought I was the one with the problems that needed to be fixed.  I realized this during the last work-related team-building retreat I went on, while I was still with her.  Like every other retreat I went on, she called me the first night I got there and basically chewed me out about how awful I was and how glad she was that I'm gone for the week.  It hurt, but then it dawned on me... .she does this *every* time.  Why not just tell me these things in person when I'm with her?  It's because she was afraid I would have a good time without her and realize how much better off I am.  She kept control of me so I was always focused on how to fix myself for her.  That's how she avoided abandonment.

Anyway, this is all common.  They paint you black, and you're out.  They act like they've never been happier.  Too common.  But I tell you what, as hard at it was and as much as I wished, at the time, that I could keep my family together, saying goodbye to her was one of the best things I ever did.  God has been really gracious to restore so much of what was destroyed, but it never would have happened if I kept myself chained to her, giving her more chances, longing and waiting for her to decide to come back, etc.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Derek1690,



I'm very sorry to hear about your separation. That is a big and painful blow to endure, especially while you are dealing with a serious illness. 

You have come to the right place for support. Even though this is strictly an online support group, the resources and tools available here to help can make a big difference, and can lead you to better in person support options as well.

Unfortunately, in my experience and many others on this board, it is not unusual for a person with BPD to leave a partner, even abruptly and without warning.

If you can, tell us a bit more about what has brought you here. There are so many resources and members who have been in similar situations. You are not alone, and things really can get better for you.

How are you feeling, Derek, physically and emotionally? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on while you recover?

Keep writing, as you can. It really helps. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[shatra]

 stripey wrote
Yes, sadly, it is very common, many of these boards have been rejected, abandoned, discarded and/or even 'ghosted' by our ex partners.

---I am unclear on what ghosting means---I think it means that the person is treated like a ghost---no communication no contact... .but when the pwBPD "ghosts" you does that mean they "become" a ghost or they turn you into a "ghost"?

[bunny4523]

I also saw that the other way she handled her abandonment fears was by keeping me in such a compromised emotional state, through emotional abuse, that I always felt like too much of a loser to leave.  I always thought I was the one with the problems that needed to be fixed.  I realized this during the last work-related team-building retreat I went on, while I was still with her.  Like every other retreat I went on, she called me the first night I got there and basically chewed me out about how awful I was and how glad she was that I'm gone for the week.  It hurt, but then it dawned on me... .she does this *every* time.  Why not just tell me these things in person when I'm with her?  It's because she was afraid I would have a good time without her and realize how much better off I am.  She kept control of me so I was always focused on how to fix myself for her.  That's how she avoided abandonment.

That is how my ex gained control over me also.  I was so busy being confused and trying to turn things around, or focused on his outbursts... .I had little time to think about what I wanted, what I was feeling.  I just wanted the wheel to stop squeaking for 5 minutes so I could complete a thought.  It was maddening!  So glad to be out of those angry rages... .  well I still have a 17 year old son so I'm not completely free from it but atleast it's age appropriate. 

Bunny

[SWLSR]

Derek

It is very sad to read about your situation, it is something many on the board have experienced.  I will tell you this, first of all she is most likely lying about the children, BPD folks lie alot and are good at it.  The children are probably hurt and confused, also trying to understand why a pbd person does what they do is beyond anyones understanding.  In your situation it is best to plan and prepare for a divorce because if she is BPD that is where it is going to end up sooner or later.  One day things will make sense but right now you are in the fog Do not try to get though alone

[Stripey77]

Shatra... .


it means they treat you as if you were a ghost, AND/or they turn into one themselves by disappearing on you.  It's quite possible to have both happen to you simultaneously. I should know, it's happening to me right now.

[Derek1690]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm surprised by how common it appears that people with BPD abandon their partners. What do they have to gain from this, other than self-directed pain and further anguish? Do they typically turn to an alternative caretaker to help them through and cope, while ghosting out their former partner?

[Stripey77]

Hi Derek,

It's very common indeed, again as you will see the more you read these boards, for our SO to have 'replaced' us with another partner. In many cases, the 'nons' here have found themselves replaced before they were aware their own relationship was apparently over - i.e. the relationships overlapped. It's not always the case, as of course, our exes are individuals and not following a text book (although it all too frequently and sadly feels as if they are) and some may display only some 'traits' of the disorder whereas others are more deeply entrenched within it.

However, it is, as I say, all too often the case. I myself was replaced/overlapped with a brand new (female)  best friend in my ex's time and affection which was unbelievably painful to find out. Although not a romantic relationship, it still carried with it all the hallmarks of being replaced - a bit like being dropped for a shiny new toy. She is still there in his life as his 'best friend' - blissfully unaware, I suspect, of this 'dark side' to him as she benefits from all his very best behaviour and kindness - the kindness he used to extend to me. He has come back in and out of my life ever since the first time he left me.

I'm sure others on here will have similar stories to tell, sadly, it's all too common.

Keep reading and posting!

[hurting300]

stripey wrote
Yes, sadly, it is very common, many of these boards have been rejected, abandoned, discarded and/or even 'ghosted' by our ex partners.

---I am unclear on what ghosting means---I think it means that the person is treated like a ghost---no communication no contact... .but when the pwBPD "ghosts" you does that mean they "become" a ghost or they turn you into a "ghost"?

Ghosting; is the act of suddenly and without warning stopping all means of communication. Ignoring someone. Cowards do this.

[livednlearned]

Hello

I was recently (two months ago) asked to leave the family home by my wife who has BPD, and she has now requested permanent separation and possibly divorce.

Is there a restraining order or any other court action in play? It sounds like things were messy there at the end.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Derek-

Is this behaviour and reaction expected from a person with BPD, as my limited understanding is that they normally fear abandonment themselves rather than being the person who does the abandoning.

Yes, it's true borderlines fear abandonment, and also engulfment, losing themselves in their partner, and the closer a borderline gets to someone, the higher the level of intimacy, the more intense those emotions become, the more triggering.  And with the intense focus on abandonment borderlines are constantly looking for clues that it is imminent, to the point of misinterpreting signs.  In your case, with your health issue and subsequent reaction, understandable, that could have been interpreted as abandonment on her part, so wage a preemptive strike and leave first, emotionally, she asked you to leave physically, self protection and survival, not necessarily having anything to do with reality.

I'm surprised by how common it appears that people with BPD abandon their partners. What do they have to gain from this, other than self-directed pain and further anguish? Do they typically turn to an alternative caretaker to help them through and cope, while ghosting out their former partner?

Think attachments with borderlines; attachments are everything since a borderline does not have a fully formed self of their own and needs someone else to "complete" them, and once an attachment is formed, fear abandonment.  And with your health challenge you did change, and while wedding vows include "in sickness and in health", a borderline triggered by abandonment fears goes into self-preservation mode.  Not to draw such a distinct line between borderlines and everyone else, we've all 'freaked out' or had a relationship with someone change because something fundamental changed with either or both of us, but it helps to understand the motivations for someone with the disorder.

So what now Derek?  Dealing with a health challenge and a rift in a relationship at the same time is challenging.  You mention you've got your family for support, and it's important to take care of yourself very well right now; are you doing that well?

[shatra]

Hurting wrote--Ghosting; is the act of suddenly and without warning stopping all means of communication. Ignoring someone. Cowards do this.

---I see... .so are we the "ghost" or do they turn themselves into a "ghost" when they ghost us?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hurting wrote--Ghosting; is the act of suddenly and without warning stopping all means of communication. Ignoring someone. Cowards do this.

---I see... .so are we the "ghost" or do they turn themselves into a "ghost" when they ghost us?

Metaphors have limitations.  If you were to leave someone without warning, stop communicating with them in any way, and not see them physically, that would be cowardly behavior as Hurting says, and I agree, a lack of creating the courage to face whatever issues are between you.  On the other hand, if it's an abusive situation, you're in self-preservation, survival mode, and any kind of communication would make it worse, then disappearing may seem like the best and only choice; each situation is different.

But back to the metaphor, to "ghost" someone is to do all of the above, the person leaving has become a ghost, disappeared.