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Author Topic: Setting boundaries in marriage  (Read 399 times)
Courage55
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: September 02, 2016, 09:06:03 AM »

I can understand what is taking place in my relationship of 23 years. I am still here, so I am committed and there is a lot of good but we get off track when emotions are high. I think we get stuck in the Drama Triangle, myself as the victim, him as the oppressor. I know I need to set boundaries. When he yells, because he is angry, I find it difficult to listen. I feel on the defensive and start to tremble inside. His anger is so loud he doesn't hear anything I say. When this happens I feel wrung out, and it takes a day on my own to get over the feeling of being bullied. There is no name calling, he is voicing his frustration at not being heard, at very high decibel levels. In the past he has broken things, slammed doors, punched holes in the wall. So it is anger magnified. Rage, really, and tantrum behaviour because I get the sense he is "gone". I know I need to set a boundary. I have tried just listening and I just can't do it. And it doesn't make him calm down, it feeds it. Any suggestions what I can say when someone is so loud they don't hear you anyway. I lose respect for myself when I go through one of these.
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jrharvey
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« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2016, 10:58:18 AM »

When someone is loud and abusive LOVINGLY tell them how you want to be treated and walk away. Get yourself out of that situation. If you LOVINGLY tell him without attacking him then there is no ammo to use later. Once he is calm he may see what he has done and feel ashamed. No point in staying and arguing. Get yourself out of the situation and enjoy a movie or something.
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waverider
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2016, 07:17:48 PM »

When he yells, because he is angry, I find it difficult to listen. I feel on the defensive and start to tremble inside. His anger is so loud he doesn't hear anything I say... .

 ... .I have tried just listening and I just can't do it. And it doesn't make him calm down, it feeds it. Any suggestions what I can say when someone is so loud they don't hear you anyway. I lose respect for myself when I go through one of these.

Obviously not working for either of you, so time not to do it. By attempting to do it you are giving him the opportunity to "up the volume" to bully his view into you.If you look like you are listening but obviously not taking it in then that will feed his frustration, which only leads to escalation

Your boundary needs to be to disengage obviously so he doesn't get the impression that the answer is to "up the volume".

Choosing not to listen is empowering. Choice is everything
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2016, 08:02:26 PM »

Hi Courage55,

It's really hard to do something proactive when you're trembling. I know the feeling, it can feel paralyzing.

Maybe start small, to help you build up strength. He probably won't tolerate the change well, to test what's going on with this new boundary and whether he can eject it.

I might try to set a boundary when he is emotionally regulated, to get him used to hearing you say what you want.

Or, if you are ready to set the boundary and be steadfast, maybe let him know in advance, when he's emotionally regulated, how you feel. "When people raise their voices at me, I feel ______. I have a hard time hearing what someone is saying when they are raising their voice. When you raise your voice at me, I am going to _______. I'll return when emotions have cooled and we can talk in a neutral tone."

Something like that? Depending on his personality, he may or may not respond well to a discussion ahead of time. Of the two BPD people I've had in my life, one responded relatively ok when the boundary was discussed in advance. The other, not at all. I had to assert the boundary and communicate my commitment through action.
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Breathe.
motherhen
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2016, 08:41:48 PM »

I was pretty good at boundary setting prior to learning about BPD. What really changed the way we interact though was me changing my response. Instead of leaving or reacting, I started empathizing with him and he totally changed. I don't gather that this is commonly a quick fix, but something about feeling heard and validated really changed our entire relationship from one of drama conflict to mostly being on the same team.

I can only think of one time I had to hold the boundary of leaving for a few hours and not listen to his tirade because he was still ramping up after I started implementing the skills. If you check out some of the lessons and first steps on the right side of the page, you may be able to learn to diffuse things in such a way that you won't need to enforce your boundary of not tolerating verbal abuse because there won't be any. By all means, if negative behavior persists, do hold your boundary swiftly and without fail so that you don't reinforce the negative behavior.
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2016, 09:35:43 PM »

Hi Courage55! 

I really like the name you chose.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It takes courage to hang in there and to want to make a change for the better for both of you. Good for you!

I've been in a relationship with DH for 32 years now. This past year has been the most difficult for me, but it has also been the year of my becoming stronger inside of myself, and beginning to let go of the fear I've had for DH.

Excerpt
When he yells, because he is angry, I find it difficult to listen. I feel on the defensive and start to tremble inside.


I can understand this, even though my DH doesn't yell, he is very passive aggressive and his disapproval and control causes the same reaction in me that you describe. Fear is awful! It is totally understandable that you feel afraid, and perhaps you can take a moment to be kind to the trembling little child inside of you who is scared stiff during those moments. Give her a hug when she is so afraid. 

You've gotten some great advice already here. Is there anything mentioned that you are especially able to take a look at to help you change how the next time goes?

 
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2016, 02:03:16 AM »

Courage55,

livednlearned mentions boundary setting based upon your values (see here for more on this). My ex was only passively violent once, when I was holding our baby in my arms. My reaction was to let it ride and clean up the mess after I put our baby to sleep.  Years later,  thinking in retrospect,  maybe that was all I could do.  Given even passive violence,  is good to come up with a safety plan: Safety First

Does anyone one else know about what's going on here?

-Turkish
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SweetCharlotte
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« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2016, 02:57:06 AM »

Dear Courage55,

I have a similar problem with my undiagnosed husband. Lots of yelling, sometimes yelling of abuse. Though he tries to avoid insults, he tends to yell "What's wrong with you?" over and over. Once in a while he aggresses on an object that is near to or related to me (i.e. throwing phone while we are on FaceTime).

I admire your courage and perseverance. As Turkish says, watch out for the aggravating circumstances. Are you really safe?
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