BPD boyfriend

[xxwayofthesunxx]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. After dating for 4 months, he had his first outburst. They were scarce, but have gotten more frequent as time has gone on. Between them, he is a wonderful person. Kind, sweet, affectionate, caring, etc. Loves animals and children. Shares a lot of same perspectives as me on big issues; religion, politics, you have it. But then he splits. Suddenly i am a "psycho b___" and am being asked 20 times in a row in an irrationally rage filled tone "are you crazy?" and "do you get it? Do you ___ing understand?" and no matter how many times I say, "yes, I'm not an idiot, I already told you multiple times that I understand," he continues the cyclical dialogue. He has taken it to the level of lying to family to defend himself and make me look terrible, and its beginning to work. I may lose my home as he is threatening that his sister, mother and brother who live on the other side of our townhouse unit are going to throw me out. At the very least, I know that he has said things to them when hes painted me black. He even called both my mom and dad to paint me black... .I am in total despair.

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[VitaminC]

Hi wayofthesun,

I'm glad you found this site!

That kind of raging can be very hurtful and surprising. Having to deal with being verbally attacked, bad-mouthed to family, and having your home threatened are all really difficult things. It's no wonder you feel in despair.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

How does this kind of episode typically start? Are there any particular triggers or stressors you are aware of? How do you respond? How frequent are they?

Have you looked through some of the tools that are here? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923?
In particular you might want to scroll down to "How to take a Time Out" as a method to begin to put some controls around an outburst and also have a look at the S.E.T communication technique:

"When first learning S.E.T., it can seem that you are being asked to agree with the BP. It important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the BP is feeling them. It does not mean that you are letting the BP off the hook, instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.

S= Support refers to an initial statement which indicates the loved one supports the person with borderline personality. It is a statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. The support statement is meant to reassure the BP that the relationship is a safe one, and that her needs matter even during this difficult moment.

E= Empathy refers to communicating that the loved one understands what the BP is feeling, and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy, but instead a true awareness and validation of the feelings of the BP: "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," "How frustrating this must be for you."  It is important not to tell the BP how she is feeling, but instead put her demonstrated feelings into words. The goal is to convey a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings she is having and that they are OK.

Truth

T= Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the BPs role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it" -- not on the subjective experience of the BP or Non-BP. Often the BP may seem to be asking, or demanding, something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation. The truth statement is meant to clearly and honestly respond to the difficult demand or behavior of the BP, while placing responsibility appropriately: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…,"

I hope this will be helpful. Keep posting! Other members will share a wealth of experience as well, and just writing about it will help clear your own head and feelings.

[xxwayofthesunxx]

His triggers can be from anything that mildly irritates him or if I ask something of him. It seems pretty random as to when he responds normally versus exploding. I compare it to playing Russian Roulette. He usually presents me with a no win situation and continues to degrade me, devalue me and perpetuate the situation. I react calmly 90% of the time; 10% I break down emotionally. An example: He has a habit of making multiple statements that he is willing to drive somewhere, such as to the store or to an event. At that point, I ask him "are you SURE you are willing to drive?" and he will assure me that he is. Upon the time of the event, he will flip and say, "I'm not going unless you're driving home" or "You're gonna have to drive home." This is setting me up for failure, and last night when I expressed surprise at the sudden change in plans, he blew up and told me his statement was a test to see if I was going to "force" him to drive again. I offered to drive earlier, he said "no, don't worry about it, I will be fine to drive home." Then it comes time to leave, and we are going to a football game where I had planned on drinking. When he made that statement, I simply reacted with surprise and then asked why he had stated several times earlier that he was going to drive home and then is now changing his mind. This is where he exploded. He called me selfish, a f*cking b___, etc etc. I was calm at this point. I then said, "Nico, I really don't care that much. If it'll make you happy Ill drive both ways. Just please stop because we need to get going." I took the keys, got in the drivers seat and sat waiting for him for 15 minutes (we were late as usual due to him since he is incapable of getting ready on time no matter how much warning I give him) and when he finally came out of the house, he forced me out of the drivers seat by pulling my arm and loudly demanding to drive until I had to get out. He then proceeded to scream at me about what a piece of sh*t I am the entire way to the game (which my dad had paid for entirely and had bought us tons of food and drinks to enjoy tailgating before the game, and we always drive my car on gas which I pay for so this whole nice evening was free for him and covered by my dad and I) for forcing him to drive and that by failing his test I had proven to him that I expected him to be his chauffeur. Of course there were plenty of other personal insults littered in as well. I broke down crying in the car. He never even showed up at the game. Since the football game didn't allow purses, I asked him to put a tampon, a small tube of Vaseline and some purell in his pocket for me in case I needed them during the game. This led to another massive stream of insults about what a piece of sh*t I am for expecting him to carry my "sh*t" for me and how I'm a freak because all the "normal" women at the game don't need those things, so why should I? At this point he gave me my keys and screamed at me in public saying he was leaving, and texted me while at the game that he was gone which was incredibly embarrassing and painful after the lengths my dad went to to make it a good time for us. I tried to enjoy it by myself, but after the game, my boyfriend apparently had lied about leaving and I found him standing by my car even though I told him to find another ride home after how awful he behaved. He tried to force me out of the drivers seat again, i had to push him out of the car and lock the doors to drive off. This is when he called my dad and his sister to slam me, and while his sister is aware of how he behaves because he has done the same to her and her mother many times, my dad told me "he is tired of hearing about Nico's behavior and its your fault you stay with him." He then criticized me for leaving my boyfriend behind. I am lucky that I have established a pretty open communication with his family about his behavior, and as a result I know not to believe his false statements that his sister and mother have been communicating with him about forcing me move out, so when he says that now, I can at least let him know that I am aware that what he's saying isn't true. So basically, once he is triggered, he perpetually manipulates me into a position where he can continue to nonsensically insult me to a breaking point and then continuously creates situations which allow him to repeat the behavior multiple times throughout the day. This is a normal anger cycle for him. Once hes triggered, he keeps going and going creating reasons to hate me until he makes a fool of himself or just gets bored and stops and goes to bed. When he does, he goes to great lengths to threaten and isolate me. He takes my phone away, blocks the front door so I can't go next door to his sister and mothers house to escape the insults, and physically holds me down if i try to run. If i try to go into another room, he follows me and continues screaming. Whats weird about him is that he repeats the same thing when he argues over and over. He will use the same phrases, same insults, same statements about 15-20 times, and I keep asking, "why do you keep repeating yourself? You've already made that quite clear the first 10 times you said it," at which point he says he needs to repeat himself because I'm too stupid to understand. Then the next day, we don't talk, then he forgets it ever happened and goes back to treating me normally, I end up hating him for days, and it repeats later. He often apologizes for his actions the day after. It usually sounds like, "Hey, I didn't need to be treating you that way, and I'm sorry. You don't deserve that, BUT you can see why I would be a little irritated with you when you do that." Always a but statement justifying why he was "a little irritated." He also admits that he has BPD and that he plans to seek therapy, but he hasn't done anything or made any calls. I want to call the police when he gets like this so they can arrest him in the hopes that hitting rock bottom might be what it takes for him to realize he needs to control himself, but I know he will tell the police anything to screw me and get me in trouble, and he will say it was my fault to begin with for calling the police so I deserve it. I smoke marijuana which helps me stay calm during his fits and see them for what they are and also to not take the insults personally, but he would definitely tell the police, have the house searched and have me ticketed to smear my record if I did anything