It hurt me when she said that I TREATED HER badly...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My wife wants a divorce. See my other posts.
What is hurting me now is that she told me that I treated her badly and "ruined her life".
I guess it just goes to show what a different reality they live in.
I adored her and gave her everything. I would have walked across burning coals for her. Anything she needed, anything she wanted I willingly provided.
I supported her while she lived abroad and we were not even married yet. I wanted to make her life as happy as possible even to the detriment of my own at times.
She moved countries to be with me and I am grateful and appreciative for that but I know in my heart that I loved her and shouldn't have had to endure abuse and ill treatment. I took care of her and her daughter and provided completely. The necessities of course and even some really nice vacations. I was always thinking of both of them, thinking of ways to make them happy.
It was all about her and the sun rose and set with her. She was my everything. I thought that I had found the love of my life.
Now it is all gone. She will always think of me as somebody who was unkind to her. That kills me.
I want to give her side of things so here it goes:

 I BETRAYED HER AND DIDN'T TAKE HER SIDE.
My answer: I got to a point where I needed to reach out to my best friends for support. I disclosed what was going on in my marriage. I was almost at the point of a nervous break down and my friends saved me from that. I couldn't talk to my wife of course and she was verbally abusive and assaulted me a few times.
I DON'T TRUST HER.
My answer: This involved finances. She had been financially abusive and never acknowledged any of her wrongdoing. She never reassured me sufficiently to trust her again. She would always say one thing and then do another. She let me down several times financially and wouldn't contribute fairly. She hoarded her money or spent it with no apparent explanation even telling me on several occasions that it was none of my business. I wanted to trust her again but at every turn she seemed to give me a reason not to.
I THINK SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.
My answer: I never said that. I love her dearly but was not happy with a lot of her behaviors.
I AM MEAN TO HER CHILDREN.
My answer: I have had some challenges with her kids and have lost my temper on more than a few occasions but I have always tried to discuss with them the reasons thereafter. I don't hold a grudge and things go back to normal.
Her daughter loves me. I love her. Her son only visits once in a while. He has been rude to his mom on several recent occasions and I  put him in his place. He doesn't like me anymore.

So that about covers it.
I did everything for this relationship. I gave it my all. I loved until it hurt and loved her more than myself most of the time.
Will most BPD exes always think badly of us?

[michel71]

My wife wants a divorce. See my other posts.
What is hurting me now is that she told me that I treated her badly and "ruined her life".
I guess it just goes to show what a different reality they live in.
I adored her and gave her everything. I would have walked across burning coals for her. Anything she needed, anything she wanted I willingly provided.
I supported her while she lived abroad and we were not even married yet. I wanted to make her life as happy as possible even to the detriment of my own at times.
She moved countries to be with me and I am grateful and appreciative for that but I know in my heart that I loved her and shouldn't have had to endure abuse and ill treatment. I took care of her and her daughter and provided completely. The necessities of course and even some really nice vacations. I was always thinking of both of them, thinking of ways to make them happy.
It was all about her and the sun rose and set with her. She was my everything. I thought that I had found the love of my life.
Now it is all gone. She will always think of me as somebody who was unkind to her. That kills me.
I want to give her side of things so here it goes:

 I BETRAYED HER AND DIDN'T TAKE HER SIDE.
My answer: I got to a point where I needed to reach out to my best friends for support. I disclosed what was going on in my marriage. I was almost at the point of a nervous break down and my friends saved me from that. I couldn't talk to my wife of course and she was verbally abusive and assaulted me a few times.
I DON'T TRUST HER.
My answer: This involved finances. She had been financially abusive and never acknowledged any of her wrongdoing. She never reassured me sufficiently to trust her again. She would always say one thing and then do another. She let me down several times financially and wouldn't contribute fairly. She hoarded her money or spent it with no apparent explanation even telling me on several occasions that it was none of my business. I wanted to trust her again but at every turn she seemed to give me a reason not to.
I THINK SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.
My answer: I never said that. I love her dearly but was not happy with a lot of her behaviors.
I AM MEAN TO HER CHILDREN.
My answer: I have had some challenges with her kids and have lost my temper on more than a few occasions but I have always tried to discuss with them the reasons thereafter. I don't hold a grudge and things go back to normal.
Her daughter loves me. I love her. Her son only visits once in a while. He has been rude to his mom on several recent occasions and I  put him in his place. He doesn't like me anymore.

So that about covers it.
I did everything for this relationship. I gave it my all. I loved until it hurt and loved her more than myself most of the time.
Will most BPD exes always think badly of us?

[gotbushels]

Hi michel71 

I received variations of the first 3 of your capitalised statements. I can relate to dealing with those. It was frustrating because I felt quite stuck with how to understand them let alone (attempt to) resolve them. It can be a handful if they're used to blame and abuse someone into obedience.

Often, we do love the other person until it hurts us, or love the other person "more" than we love ourselves. I understand that. I quite strongly disagree with its extreme application though.

Will most BPD exes always think badly of us?

I think that when they are in the "mood" for these arguments, they will think their partner is some combination of horrible, ruinous, or traitorous. Try not to let it get to you. It's hard to separate from that if you're used to letting it get to you for a long time.

[michel71]

Thank you. I am used to letting it get to me. Like many of us, I have been conditioned and controlled for a very long time in a number of various ways. I was at a point recently as evidenced by my posts of the last several months where I felt stronger, clearer and knew what I wanted... .OUT. Then I got sucked back in a bit or allowed myself to get sucked back in (more appropriately) and then I got in touch with my soft feelings for her and wanted to try again. Really try again. And I thought she did too. One argument and she was quick to say she wanted a divorce. Now she may have sensed that I wanted a divorce ( I am pretty sure she did) but that was a few weeks ago. Maybe she was waiting until I triggered her again to be the one to ask for the divorce.
I still love her. I always will. I wish I didn't because this all would be a lot easier.

[gotbushels]

I see you got sucked back in. Some of us "allow" it to happen, for some it just seems to happen. I understand why trying again might be important to you at some points if the relationship was important to you, again at some points. It think it can help for you to see her whole person as it is. That way you will focus less on the "too good" or "too bad" and decide from an isolated viewpoint. Does that make sense?

I understand the loving her deeply and wanting to love her. That ambivalence can be difficult to work with so it's good that you can see there's two sides to what you seem to want.

[michel71]

You are so right. Thank you for your insight.
I am going to just try and process all of this. IT has been a rough weekend. I am calling a therapist for myself this week.

[gotbushels]

No problem. To be fair, the insight is mainly from the board and you. What I mentioned is simply one way to describe how you're feeling into a position--a position where you can more easily see the paths you can take.

I hope your session went well. I encourage you to continue your visits. The board can also be a useful adjunct while you have these sessions. It was comforting for me to talk to other people who'd been the subject of cheating, abuse, property damage, etc.; few people in my social circles could share these experiences with me.