Bpd ex

[Brum]

I left my BPD ex boyfriend almost a month ago. Not sure if he's dead or alive. I have a new number and have been no contact for the whole time. I feel somewhat empty at times, but am learning to accept that the relationship was draining and I was his need to prevent his loneliness at the best of times. I understand now, having read all about BPD (which I only suspect he has now that I have left him, although I did know he had had a traumatic childhood), that I could not have endured anymore suffering. The great times I will miss, but the bad time have over-ridden the good times and I know now that his true self was the stranger he turned into during his sporadic episodes.

I loved him dearly and probably still do. I can't hate him because he can't help the way he is. His mother left him at the age of six and his father shot himself in the ear when the mother left him. All witnessed by my ex who was so young at the time. I do feel his dad probably suffered traits of BPD for reacting like this when the mother was leaving, but I completely blame the parents for ruining their son's life. I hate them for it. If people cannot provide the love and care for their kids they shouldn't be reproducing and bringing them into the world. Unfit parents. Can't stand them. My anger now is aimed at them not my ex. I have also cut off all his family members because I can't cope with knowing where he is and if he's in trouble. I couldn't bear the pain in his eyes anymore. I couldn't erase his past pain, and no matter how much I loved him and gave him everything, he sometimes pushed me away and went really cold towards me.

I had only been with him for just over a year but the relationship was so intense and I did become addicted to his love and the sex. He drew me in and I got trapped in a bubble of fantasy love, thinking when he's good he's the most amazing, good looking and shy guy. But when he turned, he was a restless, anxious, confused and paranoid monster who couldn't sleep or keep still, and demanded things immediately.

Last year he threw himself out of the window 13 metres high up, and somehow survived. I took care of him helping with the healing of his physical injuries. It's almost like he didn't feel the physical pain from his injuries, only the pain in his heart and mind. I witnessed this accident or suicide attempt, and have been mentally scarred. I could have walked away? But I had fallen for him and supported him through this awful time. All year he had progressed up until recently having returned from holiday. He suddenly switched and I could not cope with fearing he will hurt himself again. He always claimed he got reality and dream confused, but during his recovery phase I never feared him. He never violently hurt me, only hurtful words sometimes, and the unpredictable mood swings.

As far as he and his family know, I have moved overseas. But I fear bumping into him not because I think he will attack me but because I cannot stand to see him looking like death. I have booked in for therapy and am really trying to move on as I don't expect any closure with an ex like this. I would never have him back because I need to think about myself now. And protect me. But I am scared that he will try and find me, even though he thinks I am gone. He hasn't yet. He could have but hasn't.

Any thought anyone? The pain is excruciating. The dreams I'm having are disturbing as they feature him. Will he forget me? I want him to, I need him to. It may take me much longer to forget him, but I fear a year on down the line, he may turn up at my house or work place. I am hoping that his family have told him I have disappeared and the out of sight out of mind thing will work.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[gotbushels]

Hi Brum 

I'm glad you found this site. I relate to your story. My ex climbed a balcony and had performed self-harm too.

It seems you're feeling indignant about your ex's relationship with his parents. I understand that to some extent. Bearing the pain from someone else's family is difficult to bear. I would feel upset too if I was put in a position to take the pain. Being a generally helpful person made this difficult for me too.

Getting drawn into the fantasy feels good and disconcerting too. I'm glad you can see that those quite extreme aspects of his personality you described show up at different times.

I understand your concerns about what will happen if you see him. When you become aware of BPD, it can help you to find out how to deal with these fears. I encourage you to have self-compassion during this time.

I understand the excruciating pain. Sometimes when we are thinking of situations with someone throughout the day so constantly, we will dream about them. I encourage you to watch this video, and exercise heaps of self-care. Often we are so busy looking after the pwBPD that we neglect ourselves.

I believe you're doing the right thing booking in a session. I had a few consultations with a P--it helped me heaps and I stand by my choice.   

I look forward to hearing more about how this develops from you. It gets better and I encourage you to continue on this path of recovery and healing.

[drained1996]

 

Hello there Brum, I would like to join gotbushels in welcoming you to our family.  Here you will find people who get what you are going through... .as we all have faced the illness in some way shape or form.  We applaud you in your understanding of self protection, and you seem very grounded in your knowledge of BPD and its affects on you.  On this site you will find lessons such as the ones on the right hand side of this page -------------->
as well as many others stories on the messageboard.  Many have found that reading others posts, and understanding you are not alone in what you have experienced very helpful... .I know I have and still do.  Here, you have found a place where there is always an open and unjudging family, and we are always here for you!
I'll ask a few questions:  
Have you moved from the area where you and your bf lived?
Are you able to get out and do things with friends or co-workers, or are you having a difficult time socializing?
You are in the very beginning stages of detachment with the break up only a month ago.  I'll echo gotbushels   keep giving yourself heaps of self care.  This process will have its ups and downs, just don't get too down on yourself if you feel like you've stumbled in any way.  Know there is support here anytime! It does get better, we promise!  

[Brum]

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Some answers to your posed questions:

I'm working in the same city where I know he hangs around. I am not currently living in my house in a different city, which I have bought alone (mortgage on my name only) but moved in with him before we went on holiday. Literally only lived there for ten days before our summer holiday for a week, then the switch in his behaviour. He went crazy. So heart breaking when all I gave him was support and love. I am currently living with a friend. I am sort of in hiding. But I have prepared my boss in case he did show up.

Thing is I miss his touch and smell and cuddles. But I know he was damaging me inside. It kills me to not know where he is and what he's doing. When I was with him I was so protective over him.

If I did bump into him, do I acknowledge him of blank him? It seems heartless to do the latter to be honest.

[Brum]

In addition, I am trying to spend time with friends and family. I feel like I have lost my own identity and don't know who I am anymore. Maybe I do have narcissistic traits and that's why I felt the relationship was right at the time. I do not have any personality disorders and am a very successful professional but what has happened to me makes me doubt who I am. And makes me think what the hell is wrong with me.

I worshipped him and couldn't bear his pain. Sometimes he would be depressed and he wouldn't know or explain why. I do feel talking about it helps but I want the pain and good memories to vanish.

It makes me sick now when other men even look at me. I want to let go but know it will take time. If I did bump into him, I feel these last few week's strength will all be a waste and I will be at square one again.

Even for me, out of sight and out of mind would be best.

[drained1996]

Brum,

I agree out of sight out of mind (NC) for you sounds like the best option now.  BPD's make us feel very connected with their love bombing and idealization at the beginning.  Many stories here reflect your feelings and experiences with your BPD, so do not feel alone. The connection and love you felt was very deep from your side... .so it will take some time to begin to heal and allow yourself to make sense of it all.  For now, do what you are doing... .take care of YOU!
We applaud you on letting your boss know what is going on, as tough as that may have been to share, it was very wise. 
We are also glad to hear you are spending time with friends and family, and that you also recognize that you kind of lost yourself in the r/s.  That's common by the way... .so again, don't feel alone.   
Keep posting to let us know how you are doing and feeling, we know the path is not easy and we are here for you.  I does get better, we promise 

As for how to react if you bump into him... .that's completely up to you... .do what makes the best sense for YOU... .you are not responsible for his feelings.   

[Brum]

I don't want to indulge in alcohol and drown my sorrows. Can't help feeling sorry for myself but also in a way I'm hating myself for being led down the garden path. I'm should have could have would have ing all the time! I know it's too late. It is what it is, but wish I had left him two weeks after knowing him when I could see he wasn't quite right.

[Brum]

I am seeing my mum for the first time today after leaving my BPD ex a month ago. Can't help feeling anxious and nervous because I don't want to break down in front of her to show my pain. My mum doesn't live in the same country as to where all this trauma has happened and I don't want her to be left feeling helpless when she's so far away. I have to tell her what has happened and I know she won't fully understand the whole concept of BPD, but most importantly, I don't want her to feel my pain. This is going to be hard and on top of that I'm heading back home today and have to face all the hurt again, being in those surroundings and again fearing he's lurking round the corner. I cfeel I can't mourn the loss of my ex because the fear factor is still there. This is so difficult but the weekend break back where my family is has been great. I have revisited the places I grew up and tried to rekindle my routes. I'm hoping this has made me stronger to return today. Back to reality.

[gotbushels]

I'm glad to see that you feel secure and refreshed after your weekend break. It's important to look after ourselves. Having others around us to help us be healthy can really help. 

Do you have someone else you can be sad with besides mum? Letting yourself grieve can really help you. I encourage you to find a loved one or a T or P you can safely do this with. I encourage this also because grieving on your own is hard, especially for these relationships.

I don't want to indulge in alcohol and drown my sorrows.

Yes, using alcohol to drown your sorrows can often give undesirable effects. It's good you know that. Have you got hobbies or things you can enjoy that are easy to do?

If I did bump into him, do I acknowledge him of blank him? It seems heartless to do the latter to be honest.

drained1996's suggestion that it's entirely up to you is true. If you're looking for ideas, you can perform emotional separation and just use Brief Informative Friendly Firm responses. They can help you not get drawn in. I encourage you to brainstorm your own response, it may only take a couple of minutes. You can do it here if it helps you. At the end of it, at least you know that you have something prepared for something that seems to be giving you fear. You can do this! 

[Brum]

All went ok with my mum. Didn't break down and kept strong. She was very understanding and is glad I'm out of that volatile relationship.

Thank you for your comments and positive advice. I am very grateful. I'm now leaving to go back. Should be ok once back into the routine of work.

As far as hobbies are concerned, they all remind me of my ex as we did everything together. Playing chess, walking, music, movies, even reading. Maybe I can explore my options and discover something new. But to be honest, I feel all my energy has run out, and I just want to focus on my work at the mo.

I want to feel less lost and more free but memories are painful. I just don't want to forget all but it's soo hard.

Thank you again for all your support. This does help. I have additionally made a list as to why he wasn't right for me. I look at it every time I feel a pang of pain or miss him for a moment.

Hope I can keep strong.

Best, Brum.

[drained1996]

Brum,

We are happy to see your visit with your mom went well, and that you felt good about things.  It'll be good to put some focus and effort in on work and have your brain occupied for a while.
I will say, this separation being so fresh to you, you are going to experience some difficult feelings.  Don't be afraid to let them out and feel them when they arise.  Time is going to be one of the biggest factors in your process, and time is something we just cannot rush.  As gotbushels pointed out, if you have someone close to you that you can do some grieving with that would be very helpful.  A therapist is also a very good option that many here have found to be important in their process.  Keep us up to date on your feelings and doings, we are here Brum, it will get better!   

[Brum]

Just been told that my BPD ex turned up at my house! And claims he still lives there. I have signed him out. A family are living there at the mo, so hopefully he will get the message that I'm gone but this is so scary. Don't know what to do.

[drained1996]

Brum,

I certainly understand how his showing up, or just the threat of him showing up can be very scary.  Have there been any physical altercations or threats in the past?  Even if not, the thought of him dysregulating and becoming that way is certainly an intimidating frame of mind.  I'm thinking you will have someone chime in that may have a little more experience with situations similar to what you are facing.  It sounds like it's a possibility it may be a good idea to notify local authorities of your situation and maybe even get a restraining order.  Let's see if someone more closely experienced with such chimes in soon.  In the mean time, take care of you, and keep us up to date on how you feel and what you are doing.
How much longer are you staying with your friend? 

[Brum]

Drained 1996,

Two more months before I return. November time. But I have no grounds to get a retraining order against him. So I have been told. In a country where the systems and laws are rather poor. They can't do anything because he hasn't actually done anything yet. Great... .They are waiting for him to damage my property or attack me before they actually do something. It's rubbish. But I don't believe he would physically harm me. But you just never know with these people. He should have got the message that I'm out and gone.

Apparently he looked awful as if he was homeless. That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. All doors closed by family members when they can't face what a monster they have turned their own kid into. I'm so disgusted with them. I may write his mother a letter of closure because she apparently is trying to contact me. She is relying on me to waltz back into his life so she can ruin me too? She has been contacting my friend who has liaised with her since I cut them all off. I really despise his parents. Poor him but more to the point poor me. I get this as a reward for supporting, caring and loving him! I'm so shocked at the whole farce.

[gotbushels]

Apparently he looked awful as if he was homeless. That wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. All doors closed by family members when they can't face what a monster they have turned their own kid into. I'm so disgusted with them. I may write his mother a letter of closure because she apparently is trying to contact me. She is relying on me to waltz back into his life so she can ruin me too?

I do think it's insightful that you can see that you can be drawn into some kind of relationship through his mother. I think that can feel quite difficult or confusing to face.

Brum as his ex romantic partner, it might help to think that it wasn't your role to look after his mental wellbeing in the way a parent would a child in the first place. That's a bit of the gist I'm getting here. I think you're quite strongly aware of that but I think it would be helpful to you to point this out. Then, I think instead of naturally falling upon what his parents have done, you'd do well to focus on looking after yourself instead.

It sounds like it's a possibility it may be a good idea to notify local authorities of your situation and maybe even get a restraining order. 

I support this as a good idea. I don't know how the authorities like police or domestic violence prevention agencies work in your area, but it can be comforting to pre-empt things in the future. I spoke to the police after my break up around this sort of situation. When the local station know your situation and you have some basic advice from them, it can help you. If something happens in future, and even though they typically have shift work, at least you can talk about what you were advised with before.

As far as hobbies are concerned, they all remind me of my ex as we did everything together. Playing chess, walking, music, movies, even reading. Maybe I can explore my options and discover something new. But to be honest, I feel all my energy has run out, and I just want to focus on my work at the mo.

Ok. I understand. Sometimes in relationships, hobbies do get shared. It's important to have something of your own to enjoy. Personally, I found that it helps to have one or two that don't require much energy. If you're really struggling, you can walk (needs low energy and gives you fresh air), then use mindfulness while you walk (prevents rumination). 

Thank you for your comments and positive advice. I am very grateful. I'm now leaving to go back. Should be ok once back into the routine of work.

Yes, work can help. I think it's very good you can see that. Please be wary of having work as your single isolated thing to help you. I did this after my relationship and I would discourage it. It doesn't work so well as the only go-to.

[Brum]

I saw my BPD ex today! He was bombing it down the road on his bike and pushed a bin container over in the road as he Went. He didn't see me thank god. I didn't even recognize him as he looked like a lunatic. I'm so scared he will see me one of these days. Just the coincidence of him riding past the house where I'm staying makes me ill. And it was definitely a coincidence or else he would have hovered. I was missing him up until this morning and now the fear factor has kicked in again. I'm thinking whether it's better to fear seeing him than missing the good times. I feel I'm going crazy.

[Brum]

Really having a low day today. I myself feel empty and numb. I have written a letter of closure to his mother who I despise for this mess. I have been diplomatic but very honest in the letter. It will get to her through my friend.

[drained1996]

"Really having a low day today. I myself feel empty and numb."

So sorry you are feeling this way today Brum.  I remember having those feelings as well, try to be as understanding with yourself as you can.  What we have gone through was very mentally and emotionally draining.  Was the trigger to those feelings seeing him yesterday? 

Do you think you may be able to muster enough energy to get out and do something with a friend this evening to allow your mind to relax a little?

It does get better, time is a medicine that cannot be given too fast... .it just happens.   

[Brum]

Thank you drained 1996. Seeing him yesterday has opened up wounds. Wounds I managed to close for a little  while. He looked like a mad man. Really. Such an attractive man looking like that. Yes I am going to my friend's bar tonight. She has helped me through this a great deal. More practically than emotionally. But my other friends have also been great listeners. I do miss him of course. Those special moments, every minute of the day together, apart from when I was at work. But then I see the monster he can turn into and fear him. Not that he will attack me but the hurt to see his pain again.

Drained? What's your story outline? I'm losing my way around this website (maybe I have missed you thread), and sometimes find it tricky to navigate.

Brum.

[drained1996]

Brum, I fully understand the comment about the fear of the hurt to see his pain.  Seeing my pwBPD's pain was engulfing, because my immediate reaction to her pain was to soothe or fix it... .but I couldn't... .temporarily yes, but really fix it... .hell no.  The illness really has no fix, can it improve with therapy... .sure, but an improved hell was not for me either.  I deserve better, and so do you.   
Try clicking on my name where it shows as green above this post.  That should bring you to my profile.  At the bottom of the profile you will see in green "show the last posts of this person".  Click that and you can toggle through and read all my posts.  Go to the page with the biggest number and work back, that's going to take you to where I first began to post here, and somewhere near there my story. 

[Brum]

What do you think drained? Do u think he will get the message that I'm not living at the house anymore? Do u think he will turn up at my work? He has definitely painted me black. I left him though. Surely he will realize how much he has damaged me in the process of his own pain. I don't want to see him again as its too hurtful. Any ideas?

[drained1996]

I cannot answer what he is feeling or thinking for sure as trying to understand someone illogical, is well... .illogical.  I wouldn't expect him to understand how much he has damaged you in any way shape or form.  BPD's are typically not ones who will take fault in things.  
My best suggestion is to focus on YOU, and worry less about him to the best of your abilities.  The more you shift the focus onto yourself, the easier it will be to begin your healing process.  Keeping No Contact is a healthy boundary to protect yourself, and you seem to want to stay on that path which is good for YOU.  
Numerous times when I would begin to think about my ex, I would tell myself "STOP."  The more I did this the easier it became to listen to my own directive.  "STOP, this is not about the ex... .this is now about me."
Keep yourself busy, but not so busy you don't have time to feel your feelings and begin to make some sense of them.  Cry when you must, be angry when you feel it, be sad when hit with a painful trigger... .just let the feelings happen.  In time, you will begin to make sense of where these feelings are coming from, and what they may mean to you, and how you may better understand and control them.
You seem to be doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  Make sure to give yourself some compassion and try not to be too hard on yourself at this time.  Nobody who has experienced what we have gone through would be expected to be doing well all the time!  It will get better!

[Brum]

Yes I am trying to focus on me. I try not to think if he's ok n still alive. It seems these borderlines distract their own inner hurt with physical pain or aggression towards others. That's why they get into trouble with the police. They graffiti trying to express their love but actually they are hating. He spray painted on the walls of his apartment once 'mum n dad I love u both but I feel sick'. This just shows he actually despises them for what they did to him. I can't help thinking about him. Of course I want to delete him from my memories but I can't switch off a button n forget. Yes I am trying to heal. But how can I heal when he could turn up at my house or workplace? I don't want to see him because I want to let go. It's so bloody hard I can't even express it. I have been with friends most of the time and I'm not staying alone at the mo but I get irritated so quickly because people don't get what has happened. Unless they have experienced it like you and me, they just haven't got a clue.

[Brum]

But Drained? There are moments when I miss his good, staged (I believe) side. I knew every hair on his body and jeez he was hairy. I miss his smell and his touch was electrifying. But then I think of the devil he turned into when having an episode and this makes me realize how naive I have been. Maybe I am narcissistic I don't know. But surely I don't deserve this. Christ.

[drained1996]

"Of course I want to delete him from my memories but I can't switch off a button n forget."

You are correct, there is no switch to flip... .it's more of a process which is why I would repeat the same thing to myself "STOP" when I would find myself ruminating about my ex.  It certainly didn't make it stop at first, but the more I practiced, the easier it became in time. 
We all miss their good at times, especially in the beginning of detaching, so that's a normal feeling. 
It may be a good idea for you to make a list of some of the negative things you didn't like about him or his actions.  That way when you are beginning to ruminate, you can pull that list out to remind yourself of why you have made your choice. 
Try this when with your friends... .don't EXPECT them to understand, just try to focus on the support they can give you, which is their company.  When you need understanding of what you are going through... .that's what we are here for.  Have you been to see a therapist or thought of going?  Having professional guidance is a big help for many here who have been in your shoes. 
Take a deep breath, and try to slow your mind.  Things will get better, it'll just take time and effort. 
And you are correct, nobody deserves to go through what we have endured... .we all deserve better.   

[bunny4523]

Hi Brum,

I'm so happy that you found this site, it is an amazing support system.  I think you are doing a great job of processing what you have been through... .This will speed up your healing time and you will be whole again.  No longer afraid.  I believe if he is BPD, he will forget you.  Because he will move on to his next attachment.  I remember praying for this to happen because I didn't want anymore contact with my ex.  Please, please find your next mark and get your focus off of me.  And it did happen.  He is in the idealization phase with her right now and as disgusting as it is to watch (we still work together), I'm glad.  It keeps him far away from me.

I think it is common to miss the good times, just remember you don't just get the good... .it is a package deal.  Try to remember it isn't your place to help or save him.  I struggled with that too a little.  I felt some guilt but then I realized the life I would have if I chose to do that and I couldn't stomach the thought of putting myself through that.  I've worked too hard to get to the healthy place I am at now and i made a decision to continue my own personal growth. With the hopes of sharing it with someone one day that would appreciate me.  I did find it.

Continue to focus on how you are feeling and you will get through this.

Best wishes for you - stay strong - sounds like you are headed in the right direction,
Bunny

[Brum]

Thank you Drained and Bunny. Really appreciate your words.

Yes Drained, I have a list (a very long one) of all the things that were wrong with our relationship. The list is endless. From things like, he accused me of being jealous, crazy, narcissistic and paranoid (is this projection?) to criticizing my efforts when I had cooked him a nice meal, having no idea how his words were harsh and hurtful (having spent hours slaving away in the kitchen after a full day at work!). It does help to see the reality of an unhealthy relationship. The only positive things I can think of are: he was stunning (which got me caught in the first place), the chemistry and sex was the best I have ever had (and I have experienced a fair amount, putting it mildly!), I enjoyed the good moments when he was kind and loving. Not much in comparison to the contrary list!

My friends are lovely and I do appreciate their company. I seem to be coping by being very practical. Shifting his stuff off my property, sorting out the postage for him, renting out my home a few days after leaving him, finding a place to stay. But when I take a breather from these practical activities, it all sinks in and the pain is so profound I can't explain.

Yes I know time is a healer. But I feel time has come to a halt. Even with friends I feel lonely. I miss holding his hand.

My dad was an alcoholic when I was a child (still is), and I'm wondering if I have put up with a BPD man because of my childhood. I'm so confused.

But thank you for all your support. This truly is a lifeline xxxxxxxx

[gotbushels]

But Drained? There are moments when I miss his good, staged (I believe) side. I knew every hair on his body and jeez he was hairy. I miss his smell and his touch was electrifying. But then I think of the devil he turned into when having an episode and this makes me realise how naive I have been. Maybe I am narcissistic I don't know. But surely I don't deserve this. Christ.

It's quite legitimate that the non will miss the partner after a breakup. This can feel unusual when there is a large difference between the positive and negatives that you're thinking about

Yes sometimes their physical qualities have an stimulating effect on the non. When they have dysregulation episodes (I guess this is the episode you're referring to), they do turn into quite violent and unusual people. I think it's good that you can recognise that such behaviours toward you are from the same person. Would you mind describing why you think you're narcissistic? I'm not sure why not wanting to be the subject of troubling behaviour is narcissistic.

My dad was an alcoholic when I was a child (still is), and I'm wondering if I have put up with a BPD man because of my childhood. I'm so confused.

This seems to be a fair association. It might help you to exercise self-compassion here Brum. I believe that comes in the form of taking your healing with patience with yourself. If you do find that you have some things that might be related to your family of origin, I encourage you to not pursue it too quickly that it becomes uncomfortable.

But how can I heal when he could turn up at my house or workplace?

Can you describe what in particular you're afraid of?

[Brum]

Thank you gotbushels. I have researched on the net about being narcissistic because I felt like the knight in shining armour and that I was trying to cure him. I mean I'm no God. What the hell was I thinking?

No I won't dig up issues from my childhood to explore this. I want to draw a line underneath it and move on. But thinking deeper into why I got myself in this situation in the first place also is necessary so I can avoid such instances.

My problem also is putting physical attraction first. My arrogance has not allowed me to do anything other than this. This may be something to think about for me before I pursue a future relationship.

[gotbushels]

Just been told that my BPD ex turned up at my house! And claims he still lives there. I have signed him out. A family are living there at the mo, so hopefully he will get the message that I'm gone but this is so scary. Don't know what to do.

Brum would you mind perhaps collecting a list of phone numbers of local agencies and counsellors for domestic violence? There are at least three hotlines in my area. From what you shared, I think the fear is more of you feeling some sort of pity from him or getting drawn in, but I think it would be beneficial for you to put your own basic safety plan together.

No need to call them just yet, perhaps just get the numbers first.