Break up make up - an unsatisfactory approach

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here is a quick history of my significant adult r/s

1)   Series of make ups break ups (MUBU) ending in marriage then divorce
2)   Ditto ending in child and separation (not married)
3)   Series of MUBUs
4)   Present one to uB/NPD child and marriage, divorce pending

Now looking at my significant r/s, it appears they ALL churned through a series of MUBU, and now cohabiting pending divorce I fear this may happen again. Most of the break ups were initiated by me, likewise the make ups. The final break up though was generally my SO. Is this the unstable personal r/s bit they talk about in Codependency?

I feel there is a ‘fear’ factor coming into play. I fear something, being alone, not finding a replacement, fear I ‘m making a mistake. I fear the other person not liking me. All part of co-d stuff I’m guessing……

But I can also try and be lucid and calm and explain to myself the reason we are divorcing is because of all the bad stuff. Nothing has happened for this underlying trouble to disappear, so if I go back all this bad stuff will just repeat. (That much I do know from experience).

I can manage these 'constructive' logical thoughts, but it requires a great deal of effort and concentration to calm my anxieties, and stay in focus.

So why is it that my gut reaction to separation is totally non- sequitur, and just does not square with my r/s experience? Surely if it is bad enough you get out, without then putting this hard reached decision into doubt, which is exactly what I seem to be doing.

It looks like I’ve got some things to sort out, so any suggestions or pointers welcome.

[earlgrey]

Here is a quick history of my significant adult r/s

1)   Series of make ups break ups (MUBU) ending in marriage then divorce
2)   Ditto ending in child and separation (not married)
3)   Series of MUBUs
4)   Present one to uB/NPD child and marriage, divorce pending

Now looking at my significant r/s, it appears they ALL churned through a series of MUBU, and now cohabiting pending divorce I fear this may happen again. Most of the break ups were initiated by me, likewise the make ups. The final break up though was generally my SO. Is this the unstable personal r/s bit they talk about in Codependency?

I feel there is a ‘fear’ factor coming into play. I fear something, being alone, not finding a replacement, fear I ‘m making a mistake. I fear the other person not liking me. All part of co-d stuff I’m guessing……

But I can also try and be lucid and calm and explain to myself the reason we are divorcing is because of all the bad stuff. Nothing has happened for this underlying trouble to disappear, so if I go back all this bad stuff will just repeat. (That much I do know from experience).

I can manage these 'constructive' logical thoughts, but it requires a great deal of effort and concentration to calm my anxieties, and stay in focus.

So why is it that my gut reaction to separation is totally non- sequitur, and just does not square with my r/s experience? Surely if it is bad enough you get out, without then putting this hard reached decision into doubt, which is exactly what I seem to be doing.

It looks like I’ve got some things to sort out, so any suggestions or pointers welcome.

[joeramabeme]

So why is it that my gut reaction to separation is totally non- sequitur, and just does not square with my r/s experience? Surely if it is bad enough you get out, without then putting this hard reached decision into doubt, which is exactly what I seem to be doing.

earlgrey, Tough question to answer and not sure that it would be a standardized response for all of us here though we may all share some similar thought and emotional patterns.  December 2014 my (at that time) 2bx notified me of her wanting a divorce.  I felt somewhat lighthearted and relieved - took one of the best vacations I had ever had - by myself.  As time went on though I experienced that "non-sequitur" that you mention and begin to slowly drift into a dark place about it all.  My initial reaction seemed more befitting of the circumstances so why the slip backwards? 

The only answer I can come up with for myself is the nature of our relationship, like BPD itself, was so split between love and compassion to utter disdain and mockery.  One part of my heart went one way with it all and the other part split in the other direction.

I think it is a biblical saying that "a house divided will fall"; that seems to be the truth - at least for me.  BPD by its nature is divided.  Those of us in r/s' with this personality type cannot help but become divided, or perhaps, more importantly, these r/s' reveal or accentuate a pre-existing division that already exists within ourselves.  I knew about my internal divisions before I met her and perhaps the part that I am still working through is realizing that although she seemed to be "the answer", she was just as much an extension of "the problem" - while being one person.  So that leaves me back where I started; with the internal division.  Some of it was resolved in the r/s, other parts were not - which I continue to work on. 

Overall, it sounds like your question is a common one here.  As far as CODA goes, I can't say too much about it all other than the term feels a bit like jellyfish - hard to hold onto and kind of slippery.  Someone once said to me that if you listened to the worlds greatest love songs they are all about people with CODA issues - LOL!  What does that say about our humanity?

JRB

[Naughty Nibbler]

I feel there is a ‘fear’ factor coming into play. I fear something, being alone, not finding a replacement, fear I ‘m making a mistake. I fear the other person not liking me. All part of co-d stuff I’m guessing……

Do you fear "being alone" more than "being lonely"?  It is possible to feel lonely in a relationship that has problems.

We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  Sometimes, mistakes are out of our control to some extent, in that we didn't know what we didn't know.

What we want at different ages can change.  When we are younger, some people place more importance on looks and sexual attraction.  For most, those traits will fade over time, unless you keep replacing your partner.  Some people will stay in relationships with people with strong BPD traits, because they place so much importance on physical traits.

Many people will tell you that emotional intelligence and a good personality (and perhaps a sense of humor), become more important than physical attraction.  Most people, won't find a partner that is perfect in all regards.  So, if there isn't some level of compromise in the various categories/traits, chances are higher that you will stay alone. 

Have you tried some therapy to address what might be a fear of commitment?  It might be something you want to initiate or revisit.

   

[earlgrey]

 Some people will stay in relationships with people with strong BPD traits, because they place so much importance on physical traits.
   

Hi NN and thanks for your thoughts.

My topic https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298443.0 seems to go along with your remarks, and  while I am recognising it (physical attraction) I have yet to find a way to lessen, what I am finding to be, a very destructive pattern. I would be happy for any more thoughts on the subject.

Fear of commitment is also something that seemed real and prevelant in previous r/s. I thought it was just not the right person. You say emotional intelligence and compromise can normally see you through! I like the concept  !

What I would really like to get to grips with though, is why my normal fear of commitment did not appear with my BPD gf/wife. Right from the start I felt comfortable and never wanted to bail.

The situation I am dealing now with is the divorce (which I initiated) and my subsequent counter-intuitive reaction.

Actually while I am sure there are many fears inside, I do not think being alone and/or being lonely are the bigs ones. My marriage IS lonely, the only thing we shared was an evening meal and sex. TV, kids, breakfast, outings etc were all done separately. Kids keep me happy. While it wasn't great I coped, and when she moves out really not much is going to change... .and if it does I am not that worried.

No I think there is something elso going on... .something like my 'fantasy' for a fulfilling r/s with an attractive person. Yes I am aware the physical attributes are important. Probably not significant in itself, UNLESS, it is the only factor in the r/s. Which would be the case if I return.

Yes I have to admit physical attraction has an overly heavy bias in my r/s world, and I don't think it is doing me any favours.

[C.Stein]

No I think there is something elso going on... .something like my 'fantasy' for a fulfilling r/s with an attractive person. Yes I am aware the physical attributes are important. Probably not significant in itself, UNLESS, it is the only factor in the r/s. Which would be the case if I return.

Yes I have to admit physical attraction has an overly heavy bias in my r/s world, and I don't think it is doing me any favours.

IMO, this is the problem (see bold).  While I believe being physically attracted to someone does play into the initial chemistry, it is the emotional and intellectual attraction that the foundation of a healthy and enduring relationship is built on.  Once the physical attraction becomes mundane (it always does) and you find yourself lacking any emotional or intellectual attraction to that person what is left?  Getting involved with someone based purely on a physical attraction IMO is a recipe for failure (speaking from experience). 

It is good you have identified this pattern in your relationships and even better you are looking inward for answers as to why.  The common denominator here is you ... .so what is causing this number to be zero?

[earlgrey]

I am thinking... .what were the reasons for wanting to develop a r/s with this person.

I have quite a lot of r/s data to sort through, so i'm going to have a look see.