Thirty-four years, one week, five days...

[Verbena]

It's finally over.  Divorce was final Friday, the day before my 56th birthday which was yesterday. 

I am incredibly relieved. 

In case my saga is unfamiliar to anyone... .

It was very unrealistic of me to ever think that the divorce would go smoothly. My EX (that's the first time I've referred to him that way, and it feels good) is an incredibly difficult person, and that only got worse once we began to move toward divorce.

He wouldn't pack his stuff and prepare to move out in a timely manner.  He panicked on his last legal day here and tried to re-write history about the timeframe dictated in the temporary orders.  He harrassed the lady at the title company, waved papers in my face, was irrational and downright scary in his anger.  When multiple people tried to explain that he was wrong about the moveout date (the police, me, his daughter, people at title company), he chose to believe what he wanted to believe.  Eventually he gave up and focused on getting his crap out.  It took forever and he manipulated that situation as much as possible too.

His next move was to hire a lawyer at the eleventh hour and tell him lies.  I guess I'll never know if he truly believed he was on my loan (the one I got to pay him off for his share of the house and the one that provided him the money to hire a lawyer) or if he was just so desperate to hurt me and have some control over the situation. 

His final stunt was to have his lawyer threaten mine and take steps to drag me into court over a loan that was in HIS name, not mine. This loan was for education expenses for our son who lives in China now.  Both of our children asked him to stop the insanity and let the divorce happen.  He refused at first because he needed to do "the right thing" (make me pay half) even though I told him months ago I would not be able to afford to do this once I was on my own financially.  OUr son stepped up to the plate and offered to pay half if his dad would pay half for now.  Son plans to pay it off completely very soon. 

Ex made a few more passive agressive moves but finally signed the decree.  So it's over.

Ex has not seen our grandson in three weeks since he moved out of daughter and son-in-law's house in a huff after he refused to discuss all the chaos he created in their home.  As far as I know, he is still living in an extended stay hotel somewhere in town.  Ex and daughter did not speak for almost two weeks but apparently have made contact recently.   No apologies, no accountability, no discussion of his awful behavior.  He doesn't want to talk to her about any of it.  Sounds very familiar. 

Our daughter is struggling with how to move forward with her dad, knowing he will never acknowledge anything.  I am praying she will be able to forgive him and just move on. 

I am struggling myself with the effects of living with emotional abuse for decades, but I am going to be okay.  I have had some counseling already and will continue with that.  I have days where I feel great compassion for my Ex and days where I still feel very angry at all the damage he did.  I am still experiencing sudden anxiety attacks, but those have become less frequent. 

I will never regret this decision.  I prayed for answers and they were shown to me.  I just had no choice.  I would not have survived another year of this awful marriage. 





   

[formflier]

     

I pray for you to find peace... .to be able to work through memories and emotions.  To fully understand that you are free and safe from crazymaking.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations Verbena! And Happy Birthday! You did it. You escaped and you're free!  It was a rough ride, but you prevailed.    and     

I am struggling myself with the effects of living with emotional abuse for decades, but I am going to be okay.  I have had some counseling already and will continue with that.  I have days where I feel great compassion for my Ex and days where I still feel very angry at all the damage he did.  I am still experiencing sudden anxiety attacks, but those have become less frequent. 


I have to applaud you for the compassion you're experiencing already. By the time I finished my divorce from my spouse from hell, I was so angry, there was no ounce of compassion in me left after all the years I had endured his horrible behavior. And many years later, I think I can reasonably say that I understand some of what motivated him to be so unkind and abusive, but I don't know that even now I could say I feel compassion. I'm just glad that it's unlikely I'll ever cross paths with him ever again and for that, I'm truly grateful.

Going through this divorce has exposed him for who he truly is, not only to you, but to your children and their spouses. (Has your son gotten married yet?) And as oblivious as he chooses to be, he probably knows that, in spite of his wishes not to be seen, that the gig is up and they can see his BS. Either that will set him up at some point in the future for a Come to Jesus moment where he can actually acknowledge responsibility for his behavior, or not. I suspect the or not version, but in any case, it's no longer your problem.

It is sad that he's alienating himself from his children and grandchild, but again, not your problem. 

[Notwendy]

Wow, I am impressed by your taking action to achieve this. I know it was a difficult path and it took courage.
I wish you peace and strength as you adjust to a new beginning.

[WendyDavid]

Hi Verbena

How long did it take from when you first found out that your Ex was mentally ill until you were 100% Ok with him out of your life?

I've just started the divorce process with my husband.  He does the "love you/hate you" thing to me every day.  I know we need to be apart - for my safety, for his ability to grow on his own.  I hate him when I see him as my equal partner.  I feel horrible for him when I see him as a person with mental illness.

I know what I must do and how I will feel one day.  But how long is it going to be before I feel like you do?

[Verbena]

FF, thank you.  I feel at peace with my decision.  The effects of the insanity toward the end, coupled with over three decades of what I realize now was very serious emotional abuse, have been overwhelming at times.  I'm still adjusting to the fact that he really can't hurt me anymore.  

Cat, yes he definitely did show his true colors at the end--to a number of people.  Your first second husband was physically abusive to you, so I completely understand why you would have no compassion toward him.  Maybe because the abuse I suffered was not physical  I am able to feel some compassion for my EX.  I don't know.  I'm still very angry at what he put me through.  

WendyDavid,

There was an incident in November, 2012 that really opened my eyes into his mental dysfunction.  I had been attempting to dry our daughter's wedding bouquet with no success. I finally gave up and dumped the silicone powder I had been using into the dog pen area in the back yard.  EX blew a gasket, flew into a rage, and then pretended like it didn't happen moments later.  Normally I just ignored incidents like this, but I chose to speak up this particular time.  He went from a full-on rage to a completely calm demeanor in a split second when I asked him what in the world was wrong with him.   His eyes got very wide and he looked at me and said, "What are you talking about?"  

I knew then he was really sick.  I had another epiphany this past April when I attempted to discuss some issues with him.  It was like I could "see" the mental illness.  It was really shocking. I knew that night that I would never, ever be able to "fix" our relationship and that it was truly hopeless and that I had to get out.  

I can't answer your question about how long it will take.  I had prayed hard for some answers leading up to this pivotal moment back in April.  I just knew that night what I was really dealing with.  

[formflier]

What are your plans for self-care?  For being deliberate about doing "fun" things for you.

FF

[Verbena]

Ff, my daughter and family took me on vacation with them last week.on the drive back home, it felt like I was returning to a new life. Like a door has closed and another was opening. While on vacation, I got the call that EX had finally signed the decree.

I have a deadline looming to have a house decorated in a couple of weeks, so I am focusing on that. It's work, but work I really enjoy. My grandson starts back in PDO this week so I will have more time for myself. I plan to get together with some friends soon and am trying to go to bed earlier.

Thank you for all your concern, FF!

[formflier]

Those sound like good plans.  You know me... .I'm going to keep digging... .pointing at something that has been helpful to me.


And again... .all the stuff you posted about sounds wonderful.

I hope you can develop something that has nothing to do with family, nothing to do with work, your ex... .any of that.  Be deliberate about focusing on something that YOU are interested in that is apart from that.

For me, it's being a gearhead (mechanic)... .shade tree at best... .but I try.  I've enjoyed it since well before I was 16 years old.  My first car was a "muscle car" ... .and really enjoyed reading about and working on cars from the late 60s and early 70s.  As life got busy, I was deployed more, more kids and all that my time that I had to work on cars went down.  We hired lots more out.  Sure I was involved... .asked lots of detailed questions... .but my hands didn't get as greasy.

Now that I have disabilities it takes me a lot longer to do work on cars, especially if it involves crawling around on the ground.   I compensate with detailed planning, making sure teens are around to lend muscle... etc etc. 

I do it because (primarily) I like it.  For instance, hopefully in a week or so I'm going to get started replacing the front hubs (bearings) on a 3/4 ton truck chassis.  Will do rotors, brakes and brake hoses while I'm in there. 

So... back to Verbena.  Perhaps you used to like reading biographies or bird watching... .or... .?

Goal... .to build an identity about what you like and who you are.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I am just so happy for you! I know getting where you are now involved a lot of stress, and fighting to get there. He certainly didn't make it easy for you, but you did it anyway!

This is a new life for you, and I'm sure every day will get better. Be kind to yourself, and time will heal a lot. For me, therapy has been a wonderful thing, and I don't know what I'd have done without the reasonable voice of my therapist asking me direct questions like "are you ever going to be able to change his negative perception of you?". I'm sure she'll help me during the divorce and after care too.

You've already found how much better life it without him, and have a new found sense of peace. I'm betting the anxiety will eventually fade. I deal with it too, and I'm hoping it fades after my life settles down too. Heck, even if I always deal with some anxiety, I'd rather it be due to anything other than living with someone with a PD or anger issues, that projects their issues onto me. That would give anyone anxiety!

[PFCI]

Congratulations!  I hope this will be me in a few years.

I do worry, after so long being around people, will I be OK on my own?

How have other people who have left their BPD partners felt after the initial euphoria has died off? 

Is it really that easy?

[Cat Familiar]

As someone who left a longterm marriage with an abusive BPD partner (and is in a marriage with a much nicer BPD partner--but that's another topic), I can say in my case, things just kept getting better and better.

The divorce was hellish, but not nearly as bad as all the years I spent with him. I had a good attorney; he had a pittbull for an attorney. When it was done, I felt free, emotionally scarred, but I did therapy, determined not to repeat the mistakes I made the first go-around. (Yet second BPD husband, but he's a nice guy--maybe I should have stayed in therapy longer.  )

Renewing the relationship with my self was wonderful and freeing and it couldn't have been better!

[Verbena]

Update:

I am now in therapy and it's helping.  Some days I feel like I've made three steps forward only to move two steps back, but in general I am progressing toward healing.

And there is a lot of healing to be done.  The damage of 34 years of emotional abuse is significant.  I'll get there.  

Ex has not seen his precious grandson in almost six weeks now, not since the night he moved out of our daughter and son-in-law's house and into a local motel.  He wasn't about to be challenged again on anything he had done, so he just left. 

Daughter saw her dad last Friday for the first time since August 15 (the day he moved out of their house).  She initiated the meeting or it wouldn't have even happened.  He took this opportunity to tell her that he is moving nine hours away to Mississippi where he plans to build a cabin on the land left him by his father.  

He still refuses to believe that he did anything that his daughter should be upset about.  He still refuses to discuss anything with her and he certainly isn't going to apologize for anything.  Same old, same old.   

No price too high to pay.  He sacrificed his marriage so that he could be right and avoid dealing with the truth.  Now he's doing the same thing with the only other people who care anything about him.

What a tragedy his life has been.  The rest of us will heal and move on.  He will just continue doing what he's always done.  

[formflier]

Verbena,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here.  Please continue.  Your story in particular gives me hope and also strengthens my resolve.

One of the values of bpdfamily is that we get to see different "presentations" or "levels of badness" of BPDish stuff.   

I'm still doing a lot of RA about how bad (or good) my situation is.  I know a few things.  In context of my wifes "FOO", she is the best (by far).  In context of stories on here, at least from the POV of acknowledging and working on some mistakes, my wife is ahead of the game.  That gives me some hope.

I also realize that I need to be steadfast and keep marching towards healthy and healing, if it becomes obvious my wife will not go along, I need to keep moving forward. 

Thank you for your example.  I can't imagine the mind of a man that would move away from kids and grand-babies, instead of looking at himself and his role.

FF

[KateCat]

Thank you, Verbena, for sharing your courageous journey here.

Seeing your husband of so many years hermitize himself so rapidly must be like watching the end of The Wizard of Oz, when the wizard just floats away in his balloon, leaving Oz and his former life behind.

Thank goodness you have a life and a family.

[Cat Familiar]

Verbena,
The level of denial with some of these pwBPD is indeed staggering. Your ex-husband takes the cake at refusing to self-reflect. It truly is sad, but now he's exposed himself for the person he truly is to all concerned, all who loved him.

The only way I can wrap my head around the motivation it takes to be so un-selfaware is to consider how my husband frames a disclosure when he has broken something: it's always verbalized without an active agent. "It fell apart," "something came off it," "a part failed," etc.

Yes, things can fall apart before ones' eyes, but being able to say, "I broke it," "I wrecked it," "I screwed it up," and take responsibility for one's own part seems to be something he's unable or unwilling to do. My theory is that he has such a tremendous burden of shame that confessing to yet one more "bad behavior" would be devastating.

Add this up through a lifetime and perhaps the end result is the way your ex is unable/unwilling to examine his own behavior for flaws.

Now that you've been apart from this dynamic for a few weeks, and able to see it manifest full-blown in a context outside of your interaction with him, it must be shocking to realize that you managed to endure this for so many years. It takes a great deal of strength to do what you did, both in staying in the marriage and in leaving. I'm glad you're doing therapy. Be super kind to yourself right now and realize that you are progressing at your perfect pace.

Though you feel like you're taking three steps forward and two steps back sometimes, you are building a strong foundation. A visionary structure needs a solid base and just like in building a house, the groundwork seems interminable at times before the walls are erected. It takes time, and you're doing it right.  

[byfaith]

Yes Verbena, my wife also is in denial of her responsibility in any of this, like your ex. It is sad to watch someone go down that path.

Yes, things can fall apart before ones' eyes, but being able to say, "I broke it," "I wrecked it," "I screwed it up," and take responsibility for one's own part seems to be something he's unable or unwilling to do. My theory is that he has such a tremendous burden of shame that confessing to yet one more "bad behavior" would be devastating.

interesting you would mention something like this. My wife refused to take any responsibility for something that happened to the car last week. She drove back from her moms last week out of state and parked the car. There was a piece of the lower driver side fender knocked off. The steering was shaking and pulling to the left very badly. I took it to the shop and they told me the front driver side wheel was badly dented. So apparently she hit something pretty hard.

When I told her what the mechanic showed me she automatically was on the defensive.
I was not even trying to to assign blame. I just stated that a big pot hole must have been hit or something.

[Verbena]

Thank you for the responses today.  

Cat, yes his lack of insight is, indeed, staggering.  His inability to ever be wrong drives everything he does in his personal relationships.  It is THE most important thing to him--more important than I was, more important than his daughter, and more important than that precious 22-month old that is sleeping in his crib in my house right now.  

And yes, I am shocked that I managed to stay with him so long and shocked at how much damage he did to me.  I have been having flashbacks lately of events that all have one thing in common--this "look" on his face when he seemed to feel he might be wrong but couldn't face it.

I always knew he had issues, but I truly thought he was always truthful with me.  I NEVER thought he was a liar.  I now know that he was lying to me all those times when he got that "look."  It's amazing how I never realized so many things until I got away from him.  

Byfaith, I've had similar experiences with issues regarding repairs that were needed because of my ex's actions.  He would sooner cut off his arm than admit he was at fault.  

FF, yes there are so many different levels of dysfunction, and we all have to decide what we can live with.  My husband would never go to counseling, and your wife is ok with it.  My husband has no insight, and your wife seems to have some.  Yet, both your wife and my ex have made choices and behaved in ways that have caused incredible destruction.  

Katecat, your Wizard of Oz reference is an interesting one.  I guess he thinks he can just float away and pretend none of this ever happened.  I feel sorry for the state of Mississippi.  

[GaGrl]

Verbena, I have followed your story because it is similar to my DH's experience with his uNPD/BPD ex.  They were legally married for 33 years but had separated for a number of years before HD finally initiated divorce. 

The thing that struck me was that in 33 years -- she never, except once, said she was sorry or that she regretted any action.  On that one occasion, they had been sadly reflected on the past, and she actually said, "Can you ever forgive me?"  And he said yes, and that was it.  It was far too late for anything else.

[Verbena]

Gagrl,

To your husband's ex's credit, at least she asked for forgiveness, even if she didn't acknowledge what she had done. 

I honestly can't see my ex ever doing either.  He did say a few months ago, just before we began to move toward divorce, that maybe we could just forgive and forget.  However, he had just finished telling me a few minutes prior that he had never done anything wrong and that I was basically the problem because I wanted to keep talking about it. 

He just wanted me to shut up and continue to live the way we were living, until one of us died.  I couldn't do that anymore. 

I was thinking today that ex is just playing the same old games, but now with his daughter.    The game is called Walk Away and Wait it Out.  It works like this:

*refuse to talk about what happened and distance yourself from the other person
*after some time has passed, come back and act like nothing happened
*If this doesn't work for the other person, start the process over
*When you finally think it's safe, stop the silent treatment and act "normal" for awhile to test the waters
*If it's never brought up again, great.  If it is, say you don't remember or that it never happened.  Tell the other person they can't let it go.
*Rinse and repeat until you have destroyed the relationship entirely.  Then blame it on them. 
*When all else fails, threaten to move to Mississippi. 

Other than that last step, this is the game I know all too well--because I played along for over three decades. 

[Notwendy]

I call that method the "dry erase" or etch a sketch" for those who remember that game. Draw, shake, all gone.

This is what I experienced growing up from both parents, and so when my H did it, I didn't even think there was another way, but it was very hurtful to be stonewalled. There was no way to ever resolve a difference. All people have differences but with no way to resolve them, the relationship stagnates.

My H finally agreed to some MC which opened the door to possible discussions but it isn't easy. Still, the times it was possible made things better for us. But this possibility can vary from person to person.

Verbena- I am so happy for you that you chose a path to your own happiness.

I feel sorry for your H's daughter. It's different than a spouse. I think people can end a relationship and find happiness either alone or with someone else. But to a daughter, the father she has is her only father and so it is sad that his issues limit his relationship with her.

[Verbena]

notwendy,

I feel like I might be the only person on these boards whose spouse/ex-spouse refuses to take any accountability, is incapable of apologizing, and will not even consider any type of counseling.  

As I've said before, I just didn't have much to work with.  

I feel sorry for my daughter, too.  She didn't ask for any of this.  

Today mark six weeks since ex has seen his grandson. 

[KateCat]

No, I have never seen a story quite like yours on these boards.

The only thing it kind of reminds me of is those not uncommon reports of a family man who one day just ups and disappears from his life; going off-grid; and resurfacing only years later, if ever, under a different identity.

Not the kind of mystery that is ever really "solved."

[empath]

When I first met my husband, he told me how he came to be living where he was. His former girlfriend had broken up with him, so he moved out of his parents' house to another state. I thought it was a bit odd and extreme at the time for someone to do that kind of thing over a break-up.

He also can't describe too much of what went wrong in his prior romantic relationships - except they didn't want to be attached to him. 

[KateCat]

It's so mysterious and tragic, Verbena, and probably more than anyone can ever understand.

There was a missing person story about two years ago (well, it's on-going, because the man has never been located) about a truly brilliant USC medical school student. I believe he scored in the 99th percentile in the MCAT med school admissions test. He was the smartest guy in any room. And he didn't have just book smarts, as he was making his way through school swimmingly.

And then, near the end of graduation year, one day he paid off a small debt to a friend, took his backpack and a few personal items, and disappeared from his life. There was footage of him captured on camera, walking (away) on foot.

He was an enthusiastic hiker and climber, so he could be anywhere. Some people think it likely he is in Mexico.

But almost no one who knows him believes he was a victim of foul play. Why not? Because his father was also a "disappearer."

I wonder if he will ever tell his tale.

 

[Verbena]

I've also heard stories of people who "disappeared" and then reinvented themselves in another location.  I believe this is what my ex is attempting to do.   

If he moves to Mississippi, he can pretend that his life in Texas didn't exist.  Very few people there really know what he is like. This land of his is directly behind the land where a very dear friend of mine lives.  She's the wife of his fourth cousin.  We talk daily and are extremely close. In fact, she flew in from Mississippi recently to stay with me for a week and even went with me to the courthouse the day my divorce was finalized.  She is less than thrilled that he might be her neighbor. 

I really think this is all just a game anyway.  He's not exactly known for following through with anything.  He was looking at houses here for awhile and then decided to move in with our daughter.  That lasted fifteen days; then he went to an extended stay motel.  Now he's in an apartment where he signed a six-month lease.  He told our daughter it would take at least that long to get water/sewage/electricity on his land and build a cabin.

I believe that he is hoping his daughter will recant all she said to him about his behavior and beg him to stay.  Then again, he really might move.  When our daughter asked why in the world he would consider moving there, he had some Michael Buble "gotta go home" response.  He's lived in Texas for 58 years.  How is Mississippi "home"?
   

[Grey Kitty]

I have been having flashbacks lately of events that all have one thing in common--this "look" on his face when he seemed to feel he might be wrong but couldn't face it.

I always knew he had issues, but I truly thought he was always truthful with me.  I NEVER thought he was a liar.  I now know that he was lying to me all those times when he got that "look."  It's amazing how I never realized so many things until I got away from him.

That experience of re-winding years of a relationship and realizing that you have reason to interpret them differently than you had at the time is really freaky. Recovering from my marriage I found times where I discovered a whole 'nuther layer to look at... .I also had a friend (who had NPD/BPD traits, much more N- than my ex) that I decided I didn't want to have in my life after she did something particularly destructive aimed at people I cared about and an organization I cared about... .and I realized exactly how calculating and manipulative this person was, and had been over the ~15 years she had become one of my closest friends.

I remember LOTS of conversations with others who knew her... .kinda horrified about what she'd been doing, and how long or how much... .it was really disconcerting to be re-writing history based on new information, or information that was no longer being hidden / denied / etc.

Keep taking care of yourself... .it will get better and will feel more normal over time. 

[flourdust]

My father-in-law is an undiagnosed NPD/BPD type. A few years back, he began divorcing his wife and at the same time moved about four thousand miles away to a foreign country. He essentially reinvented himself there -- new friends, new community, new business. He left behind his adult kids and small grandchildren. Other than an annual Skype chat, he hasn't seen my daughter in more than two years.

Occasionally, he posts on Facebook oblique comments about how his family has abandoned him but he's made a new family.