When we become an enemy

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's often said that if we're not with the BPD other then we're against them. All part of the black or white thinking.

I know that not every relationship is the same, but I was wondering  why some BPD's walk away never to be heard from again, while others make it a mission to destroy their exes? Do some BPD's need an enemy?

Is it more the case when the non rejects the BPD partner and is the one to initiate the breakup?

[Rayban]

It's often said that if we're not with the BPD other then we're against them. All part of the black or white thinking.

I know that not every relationship is the same, but I was wondering  why some BPD's walk away never to be heard from again, while others make it a mission to destroy their exes? Do some BPD's need an enemy?

Is it more the case when the non rejects the BPD partner and is the one to initiate the breakup?

[fromheeltoheal]

I dunno Rayban, I've walked away from people, and I've also been around people I didn't like, had resentments, whatever, and treated them accordingly, and I'm not the only one, so that kind of behavior is not limited to borderlines, but if the hatred, self-hatred, projection, or just a plain inability to let go is getting in the way, then sure, a "mission to destroy" may seem appropriate to deal with those emotions.

I'm sorry, I'm not entirely current on your story, and why do you ask?

[Rayban]

I dunno Rayban, I've walked away from people, and I've also been around people I didn't like, had resentments, whatever, and treated them accordingly, and I'm not the only one, so that kind of behavior is not limited to borderlines, but if the hatred, self-hatred, projection, or just a plain inability to let go is getting in the way, then sure, a "mission to destroy" may seem appropriate to deal with those emotions.

I'm sorry, I'm not entirely current on your story, and why do you ask?

Thanks for answering.  I work with my ex. I broke up with her a month ago, told her I had enough. I agreed to be recycled multiple times, and in the end the push pull would switch in the course of 24 hours.  I asked her to leave my apartment.  Her last words were, "so this is the way it's going to be".

Went no contact which coencided with my 2 week vacations.  I broke no contact the weekend before going back to work. I texted her asking how we should act at work. She answered it would be best to letit go for both of us ...
For NOW ... .

Since I've gotten back we went from ME saying hi, when we meet in the hall way, to her turning her head when she now sees me. 

Obviously this is great in my process of detaching.  My problem is that I'm now being shunned by other coworkers started with the people she's closest to, and now others have joined in.

.  I have people not speaking to me.  Others look at me with disgust.  I know it shouldn't matter,  but Im afraid of this turning into being mobbed, and ostracized.

It's easy to say suck it up, and don't care, or just leave and get a new job. I've been their for 11 years, I've got excellent benefits, and it's not fair to lose this because of a relationship that didn't work out.

I guess she sees me as the devil, and her the helpless victim. She's charasmatic, easily pulling people to her side.  I'm an introvert who doesn't participate in after work activities.  I don't even have lunch there.  I'm an easy mark.

[fromheeltoheal]

I understand Rayban, I used to work with my ex too, very difficult to see someone you just broke up with every day, which is why workplace romances are risky business in general, and worse when our ex exhibits traits of a personality disorder.  Kind of high-pressure detachment too, out of necessity, good in a way, you get constant feedback as to how you're doing; I wasn't detached from my ex at all, and when she got fired I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders, which was one way to detach I suppose.

So it doesn't matter if you're an introvert, if you're a good person and you do a good job, that's what will matter in the end, and the folks who take your ex's side and ignore who you really are, well you don't want those type of people in your life anyway.  And really, it doesn't need to matter, you're there to make money and do a job, the social side of the workplace is secondary.  So is this going to get better or worse for you?  Do you see yourself able to detach emotionally while seeing her all the time?

[Rayban]

I understand Rayban, I used to work with my ex too, very difficult to see someone you just broke up with every day, which is why workplace romances are risky business in general, and worse when our ex exhibits traits of a personality disorder.  Kind of high-pressure detachment too, out of necessity, good in a way, you get constant feedback as to how you're doing; I wasn't detached from my ex at all, and when she got fired I felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders, which was one way to detach I suppose.

So it doesn't matter if you're an introvert, if you're a good person and you do a good job, that's what will matter in the end, and the folks who take your ex's side and ignore who you really are, well you don't want those type of people in your life anyway.  And really, it doesn't need to matter, you're there to make money and do a job, the social side of the workplace is secondary.  So is this going to get better or worse for you?  Do you see yourself able to detach emotionally while seeing her all the time?

I have some difficult decisions to make.  I can't change how she behaves, I could only control how I go about my day. You are right I have to focus on my job.

One thing is for sure is that I have to completely detach from this person.  I'll give it some time, if doesn't get better then it's time to do what's best for my health.  I've had an idea for starting my own business,  maybe this would be the time to start that project. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I've had an idea for starting my own business,  maybe this would be the time to start that project. 

Nice!  And then, once the business is built and you're making a living, you may be able to look back with gratitude for the whole experience, since look where it helped you get!

[bus boy]

Hi Rayban, like fromheeltoheal said, we all have people we walked away from or had some kind of a disagreement with but we don't make it our life mission to destroy them, to me that is the difference between normal human nature and BPD. In my situation it is if your not with me, than you will be crushed. My xw, as I've been posting a lot lately is getting worse, it's like she is getting into full swing BPD. A friend of mine disagreed with something my xw was doing and she never talked to him since, my friend new her father, he hasn't spoke a word to my friend since. That was 8 years ago. Xw bf is also now giving my friend the finger, my friend and her bf knew each other for years with no conflict. I had another disturbing episode yesterday with xw and bf. She has created a situation full of conflict that is totally unnecessary. So in my situation it is very clear if you are not with them you are split black and must be crushed.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I was shocked and horrified at how intent my ex was on destroying me.  He didn't go after me physically, but went after my reputation.  Once I wronged him, it was as if he was justified in doing nearly anything to me.  He sees himself as the sole arbiter of the worth of other human beings, which is what makes him so frightening.  He used to talk about how his other ex deserves to die because of what she did to him.  Very scary stuff.  He began threatening me with a PPO, which for me was serious business, because I'm a public employee and my reputation is very important.  I am currently in treatment for PTSD due mainly to the aftermath of the relationship.

I might also add that he loved competition and essentially created enemies to beat, often out of unsuspecting people who probably had no such designs to beat him.  He got into a rivalry with another volunteer at an organization he worked for, someone I'm not sure he ever even met.  He would give me daily or weekly updates on who was "winning."  He also, strangely enough, hated a certain business slogan that one sees frequently around here, and took on that business as his personal enemy as well.  Very strange, very self-referential thinking.