I've got to make some kind of change. I'm becoming an awful person.

[Fox Mulder]

I'll be brief as possible. I haven't recovered very well from my BPD breakup. The relationship lasted almost five years and ended two years ago. At the time of the breakup, my life felt like it was on track. I was finishing college and saving up for a place for the two of us. I felt like I was an okay person, interesting to talk to, and with a positive effect on the people whose lives I touched.

The breakup was an absolute nightmare. The one person I trusted and wholeheartedly believed in cheated on me and made every effort to destroy my self-esteem and confidence as punishment for discovering her infidelity. To this day I still have no idea what her true colors are. She was absolutely angelic up until the end when she turned into a spiteful, hateful, wrathful person. She trashed every aspect of my existence publicly - my intelligence, my ambition, my drive, my future prospects, my appearance, my performance in bed. During the relationship, she claimed to love that I was a writer, that I was introverted, that I didn't enjoy partying and doing drugs. After the breakup she hated all those things, and decided that she wanted to start living a wild and extroverted life because I had been suffocating her for years and years.

In the breakup, I not only lost her but I lost myself too. I used to be fine with who I was, but for two years now I've felt broken and wrong. I haven't been able to hold a budding relationship together for more than a couple of months. I'm depressed, easily frustrated, and bitter about how stuck I've felt for two years in comparison to how well my ex seems to be doing with her current boyfriend - the guy she cheated on me with - and his considerable wealth. I try very hard to avoid receiving new information about her, but every few months I make the grave error of googling her. I know people use social media to paint a bright picture of their life that has little to do with their actual day-to-day circumstances, but she seems healthier and brighter than ever, and my replacement has the means to provide her with so much more than I was able to.

I'm growing bitter. I wouldn't be my own friend at this point. It's ugly. I'm becoming very critical of people, and as a result it's getting harder and harder to make friends and sustain romantic relationships, things that were already really hard to begin with because of my quiet and unexciting personality. I don't believe people anymore when they say they care about me or find me attractive. I feel so dull and futureless that I feel like I'm duping or deceiving women I get involved with. Tricking them somehow into wanting to be with someone who never has anything interesting to say, never does anything interesting, and will never go anywhere in life. I feel guilty for imposing myself on people and resentful of my circumstances for making me a boring, frustrated person.

In the past few weeks I got a new job and finally started on medication for my depression and anxiety. People say that over the next few weeks or months I should feel better. But I feel like I need to make more changes. So I was wondering if anyone had any advice, or has stories about being in a similar situation, or has any books they can recommend that might help me out. I want to be the sort of person that makes people smile to think about. I want to go back to being a friendly and intelligent man who didn't constantly compare himself to others. I want to lead a fulfilling life that doesn't hinge on obtaining validation or companionship. I want to be happy to be alive again. I miss life.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Fox Mulder:   
You must be an "X-Files" fan.    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 

The relationship lasted almost five years and ended two years ago. At the time of the breakup, my life felt like it was on track. I was finishing college and saving up for a place for the two of us.

During the relationship, she claimed to love that I was a writer, that I was introverted, that I didn't enjoy partying and doing drugs. After the breakup she hated all those things, and decided that she wanted to start living a wild and extroverted life because I had been suffocating her for years and years.

Did your relationship start during College, or did you know each other prior to that?  I'm thinking that she feels less guilty, by putting you down in a cowardly manner.  She didn't have the integrity to tell you she wanted to date others, so it was easier for her to cheat on you and then justify her actions by putting you down. There could even be a little projection going on.  If she gotten into drugs, then that could contribute to her behavior.

When people are young, it is common for them to NOT know exactly what they want in a relationship, or to change their minds and want to explore. 

You are an intelligent man with a lot going for you.  I can tell you there are a lot of women out there who would love to have you.  Partying and drugs never leads to anything good, with a good future.  Comedian Eddie Murphy recently commented that he became who he is today because he refused the drugs he was offered. 

A 5-year relationship is almost like ending a marriage, with a grieving process.  The meds you are taking can help you get over the hump and on the road to recovery.  The meds can take a month to start working.

I'm in therapy right now and my therapist recommended the book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris.  I bought  the Kindle version on Amazon.  Russ Harris has a website that you might find helpful.  He has links there for resource material for mental exercises in some of his books.  Here is the link:
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Are you getting some form of exercise?  Getting involved in some type of volunteer work can help you as well as the cause you volunteer for.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Fox Mulder,

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I can relate to feeling "broken" and "wrong." You are not alone.   

After my relationship ended with pwBPD, I felt like a different person and life felt gray and meaningless for quite a while. I am four years out now and I feel better than I have in years—better than even before I met pwBPD. There is hope!

For me it took time, along with self awareness and feeling stuff that I didn't want to feel, and seeing things about myself and others that I didn't want to see. I know what you mean about sometimes not believing people when they express care and love toward you—I still have twinges of that from time to time.

The way your breakup went down was so hurtful and shocking. It's no wonder your self-esteem took a big hit. I encourage you to be very gentle with yourself. Can you allow the "ugly" thoughts and feelings to have their moment in the light of your awareness? I know it can be hard, but it can really help to give them space without judgment. Remember that thoughts and feelings deliver messages about what needs attention in you, and/or about beliefs that may or may not be serving you; they do not define who you are.

I think that aliveness and connection with others grows in proportion to how open we are to feeling what's going on inside of us in any given moment. So many of us refuse or are afraid or have been trained to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, but since we can't selectively suppress feeling, doing that stops us from experiencing joy and hope and emotions that feel good. So, the more we can embrace (and if we can't embrace yet, maybe just allow, or make space for) whatever we are feeling, the more opportunities we have to care for and accept ourselves. That then makes us behave differently—probably with more compassion and empathy for others, too— which then forges connections, which then ripples out in our lives in ways that we never predicted... .

Another way that helped me feel alive again was through taking action on goals, tapping into creativity, and trying out new/challenging things, among others. What do you think might help in your situation, Fox Mulder? It sounds like your new job may play a role in finding the "new" you?

I'm glad to hear that you are being treated for depression/anxiety, too. I know medication takes some time to kick in, so I look forward to hearing about how things are unfolding for you.

heartandwhole

[Fox Mulder]

Hey Fox Mulder:   
You must be an "X-Files" fan.    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. 

The relationship lasted almost five years and ended two years ago. At the time of the breakup, my life felt like it was on track. I was finishing college and saving up for a place for the two of us.

During the relationship, she claimed to love that I was a writer, that I was introverted, that I didn't enjoy partying and doing drugs. After the breakup she hated all those things, and decided that she wanted to start living a wild and extroverted life because I had been suffocating her for years and years.

Did your relationship start during College, or did you know each other prior to that?  I'm thinking that she feels less guilty, by putting you down in a cowardly manner.  She didn't have the integrity to tell you she wanted to date others, so it was easier for her to cheat on you and then justify her actions by putting you down. There could even be a little projection going on.  If she gotten into drugs, then that could contribute to her behavior.

When people are young, it is common for them to NOT know exactly what they want in a relationship, or to change their minds and want to explore. 

You are an intelligent man with a lot going for you.  I can tell you there are a lot of women out there who would love to have you.  Partying and drugs never leads to anything good, with a good future.  Comedian Eddie Murphy recently commented that he became who he is today because he refused the drugs he was offered. 

A 5-year relationship is almost like ending a marriage, with a grieving process.  The meds you are taking can help you get over the hump and on the road to recovery.  The meds can take a month to start working.

I'm in therapy right now and my therapist recommended the book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris.  I bought  the Kindle version on Amazon.  Russ Harris has a website that you might find helpful.  He has links there for resource material for mental exercises in some of his books.  Here is the link:
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

What are you doing to take care of yourself right now?  Are you getting some form of exercise?  Getting involved in some type of volunteer work can help you as well as the cause you volunteer for.

Thank you for the reply, Nibbler. The relationship did start in college. I understand people (unfortunately) get bored and want to explore new types of relationships and partners, but it still hurts to watch them completely abandon you.

I like the sound of that book and I just got the Kindle version. Thank you for the suggestion! As for taking care of myself, I'm exercising four times a week. I don't think I have time for volunteer work but it'd be nice if I could get a paying job I could enjoy. Or at least not hate.

[Fox Mulder]

Hi Fox Mulder,

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I can relate to feeling "broken" and "wrong." You are not alone.   

After my relationship ended with pwBPD, I felt like a different person and life felt gray and meaningless for quite a while. I am four years out now and I feel better than I have in years—better than even before I met pwBPD. There is hope!

For me it took time, along with self awareness and feeling stuff that I didn't want to feel, and seeing things about myself and others that I didn't want to see. I know what you mean about sometimes not believing people when they express care and love toward you—I still have twinges of that from time to time.

The way your breakup went down was so hurtful and shocking. It's no wonder your self-esteem took a big hit. I encourage you to be very gentle with yourself. Can you allow the "ugly" thoughts and feelings to have their moment in the light of your awareness? I know it can be hard, but it can really help to give them space without judgment. Remember that thoughts and feelings deliver messages about what needs attention in you, and/or about beliefs that may or may not be serving you; they do not define who you are.

I think that aliveness and connection with others grows in proportion to how open we are to feeling what's going on inside of us in any given moment. So many of us refuse or are afraid or have been trained to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions, but since we can't selectively suppress feeling, doing that stops us from experiencing joy and hope and emotions that feel good. So, the more we can embrace (and if we can't embrace yet, maybe just allow, or make space for) whatever we are feeling, the more opportunities we have to care for and accept ourselves. That then makes us behave differently—probably with more compassion and empathy for others, too— which then forges connections, which then ripples out in our lives in ways that we never predicted... .

Another way that helped me feel alive again was through taking action on goals, tapping into creativity, and trying out new/challenging things, among others. What do you think might help in your situation, Fox Mulder? It sounds like your new job may play a role in finding the "new" you?

I'm glad to hear that you are being treated for depression/anxiety, too. I know medication takes some time to kick in, so I look forward to hearing about how things are unfolding for you.

heartandwhole

Thank you for replying, heart.

I'm trying to practice mindfulness by allowing negative feelings to come and go without trying to resist them or bury them or dwell on them. It's just difficult to do that because these negative feelings have defined my day-to-day existence these past two years. There was no one else in the world who knew me even a tenth as well as my ex did, so when she told me just how boring and awful and worthless I was, I took it to heart. Her words and actions pretty much destroyed me.

I've been putting myself back together but it's a slow and difficult process. There's no triumphant music playing as I reassemble myself. I'm making progress but I'm kind of going through the motions still, doing what the advice books and my friends tell me to do - exercising, eating right, doing the best work I can, being kind to others, taking up new interests. I guess I'm just waiting for the moment when those things start to feel like they're paying off.

Maybe they're already helping and I don't know it yet. Maybe if I weren't doing those things I'd feel much, much worse. But there's no way of knowing that and I'm still not happy with my life right now.

[prettykitty]

I liked reading the responses to your post. I can relate to you.

I had a relationship that really wrecked me, but it wasn't five years.  It was short, but it was a bad run-in with a NPD male.  It drained me and just took everything out of me.  The emotional abuse lingered for so long.  I started to get into a rut where everything just fell apart.  My career started suffering, i wasn't doing my hobbies or my art, I gained weight... .it was just bad, and that lasted a few years. 

I finally started wanting to get out of that rut.  i moved out of my depressing apartment (though I moved back to my parents which is kind of a bummer, but it is a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood... .and at least i didn't have to watch my savings go away to rent when I wasn't getting much work thanks to my lack of motivation to do anything and to hustle for jobs).  I started eating right and exercising and lost the weight quickly. I was in really good shape and was happy to finally buy some new clothes after living in sweat pants for so long.  My skin cleared up (the stress made a mess of me for a while there).  A brief relationship with a younger guy didn't work but got me interested in dating again.

But then I met my current NPD/BPD ex and fell right back into a bad relationship.  I kick myself now because I should have known!  I really should have known, and actually I DID know that it was horrible and I needed to run for the hills.  But I stayed with him and let him treat me horribly.  I don't know why I fell right back into a bad relationship except for maybe the fact that even though I figured out that my previous ex was NPD and I had HIM all figured out, I never really had myself figured out.  So there's something about me that has me staying with these kinds of guys even when there are blatant signs early on. I feel like if I wasn't doing NO contact and blocking my ex, I would go back to him.  I would know it was going to bite me later, but I would do it.  What's up with that?  He can't love me the way I want to love. 

I'm feeling hopeless like you are.  I will think I am fine, but then I get stuck on some thought and I get angry or sad.  I don't have much else going on. My career is the pits, and I want to start this business I have been working on for a long time, but I find myself paralyzed.  Like my mind will have all these ideas and goals and lists of things to do and I see myself doing it, but I can't actually do any of it.  I procrastinate and get distracted.  Sometimes I think I have ADD and need an aderrol (cant spell it).  Why can't I get going?  It's like I am stuck.  I want to move forward, so why can't I?  I accomplish so little everyday when I should accomplish so much.  I'm not working, so I have the time!  And I will need to work soon, because my bank account will only last so long.  ugh.   

Anyway, you are not alone in what you are feeling, and I like the responses you got.  I'll be routing for you as I try to snap out of it and move on myself.  GOing to go look into the Happiness Trap now.  Take care!

[heartandwhole]

There was no one else in the world who knew me even a tenth as well as my ex did, so when she told me just how boring and awful and worthless I was, I took it to heart. Her words and actions pretty much destroyed me.

I hear you, Fox Mulder. I really do. We take the risk of showing ourselves completely to someone else, and they reject us. That is so very painful and one of my biggest fears when it comes to relationships. It's understandable to feel that her behavior toward you had something to do with you.

But I believe that your ex's reaction was about HER. And HER stuff. Often, we buy into other people's rejection of us because we are afraid that what they say about us is true. They touch something that we already believe, but hide from ourselves. If we are brave and dig down deep enough, though, and allow ourselves to feel the pain generated from that belief, we can then inquire into its veracity and breakthrough to another level inside of us where we know beyond all doubt that we are okay, just as we are (even with what we think are our weaknesses and faults).

This is where we have to turn toward ourselves again and let others' opinions about us be damned. At least until we feel strong enough to receive them without defense or defeat.   

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

I'm depressed, easily frustrated, and bitter about how stuck I've felt for two years in comparison to how well my ex seems to be doing with her current boyfriend - the guy she cheated on me with - and his considerable wealth.

Hey Fox, The operative word here is "seems."  If she has BPD, it's doubtful that she's actually doing well.  It's all a facade, so don't buy into it, I suggest.  She still has the same turbulent emotions and insecurities that all those w/BPD experience. 

Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself?  Suggest you cut yourself some slack.  One key component to my healing was learning to love and accept myself, just the way I am, with all my flaws and shortcomings.  It's about seeing yourself as valid and worthy, just as you are and have always been.  Does this make any sense?

LuckyJim

[Fie]

Hello FoxMulder  


I am so sorry for the way you are feeling. I can tell you are having a very hard time.
Are you in therapy right now ? If not, do you think it could be of some use ?

Some time ago NaughtyNibbler suggested moodgym to me. I'll copy the link for you, I think it's very useful. Maybe you'd like to have a look.
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

I want to be the sort of person that makes people smile to think about.

I think you may already be on your way towards that goal. Upon reading this remark of yours, you had me smiling  :-)
No matter how bitter, it takes a sweet soul to think like that.

Have you considered accepting your bitterness ? Embracing it, and allowing yourself to feel however you feel ?