How to really move on...?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been separated for a few years (divorced a year later) from uBPDxw. It's been great to have room to breathe and spend time with my D. I have been dating again. That's been very worthwhile.

I've had to interact with the x again (email/mail) to get follow on paperwork started. Working on that has been a challenge, and  has me digging up memories of the past since there are many emotional loose ends that I keep finding. I always have a slate of personal woulda, shoulda, couldas that come out in my mind. They are hard to wrestle at times.

What's really difficult to do is deal with some of the loose ends and date seriously at the same time. Part of me knows that I really gave it a go (tried counseling various times) and purge many activities to try and make things work, and in the end I cried uncle because there were some huge issues where she wouldn't budge an inch. Compromise didn't happen.

I also have my emotional antennae trying to sense for red flags and also making sure that my whole heart and mind is in this relationship before I commit. It's been tough on gf, but I don't regret taking the time and pace I have. This time around things have been better. There are times where I need a little more emotional personal space to process and not reveal everything on my mind. It's a challenge to balance emotional transparency and privacy. I have to learn to trust her and have her handle some of the uncomfortable things that will occur. 

No one will win if I don't say what I truly feel when I finally arrived at a conclusion. Trying to appease people is a slippery slope.

Of course everyone's family (mine and gf's) are ready for clockwork to happen, but again I shouldn't appease anyone. Fast can be slow.

How healed should I feel before taking big steps ahead?

[forestfortrees]

I have been separated for a few years (divorced a year later) from uBPDxw. It's been great to have room to breathe and spend time with my D. I have been dating again. That's been very worthwhile.

I've had to interact with the x again (email/mail) to get follow on paperwork started. Working on that has been a challenge, and  has me digging up memories of the past since there are many emotional loose ends that I keep finding. I always have a slate of personal woulda, shoulda, couldas that come out in my mind. They are hard to wrestle at times.

What's really difficult to do is deal with some of the loose ends and date seriously at the same time. Part of me knows that I really gave it a go (tried counseling various times) and purge many activities to try and make things work, and in the end I cried uncle because there were some huge issues where she wouldn't budge an inch. Compromise didn't happen.

I also have my emotional antennae trying to sense for red flags and also making sure that my whole heart and mind is in this relationship before I commit. It's been tough on gf, but I don't regret taking the time and pace I have. This time around things have been better. There are times where I need a little more emotional personal space to process and not reveal everything on my mind. It's a challenge to balance emotional transparency and privacy. I have to learn to trust her and have her handle some of the uncomfortable things that will occur. 

No one will win if I don't say what I truly feel when I finally arrived at a conclusion. Trying to appease people is a slippery slope.

Of course everyone's family (mine and gf's) are ready for clockwork to happen, but again I shouldn't appease anyone. Fast can be slow.

How healed should I feel before taking big steps ahead?

[fromheeltoheal]

It's a challenge to balance emotional transparency and privacy.

That's a challenge in all relationships, and with compatibility and communication that can be navigated.

How healed should I feel before taking big steps ahead?

Good question.  Taking unprocessed emotion and incomplete detachment into a new relationship will likely hurt it, but moving forward is a good thing, and it goes back to communication in the new relationship.  Also, have you looked at the stages of detachment over there--------->
in a while?  What stage do you think you're on?

[C.Stein]

How healed should I feel before taking big steps ahead?

I can understand the lasting impact on your own self-confidence and ability to trust/love again as a result of being involved with a borderline.  There will always be the unanswered questions.  There will always be some guilt and self-doubt.   I struggle with this daily now 13 months post trash bin and I was ghosted.  I think this is just a natural consequence of a failed relationship but is intensified 100 fold with a borderline.

So consider this.  Perhaps the next stage in healing for you is to take that big step ahead?

[forestfortrees]

Thanks for the responses (and responding so soon)

What stage do you think you're on?

I am probably somewhere on the 2 - 3 range. I have allowed myself to do healing activities (4) as well, which is good, but I do struggle with a bit of emptiness at times. I have been accused of so much (before) that I have to bring myself back to reality and re-center.

Perhaps the next stage in healing for you is to take that big step ahead?

There are many, many good things about new gf. She allows for more balance than before, plus other good reasons. But also calls a spade / a spade, and is frustrated (justifiably to a point) with someways that plans have to be wait on time sharing negotiations over D with x.

There are times when when I err on giving D more time w/ x's family for certain big events, and then a few times I realize I cave for nothing. And it's very unlikely that it'll be reciprocated.  This does irritate me a lot less - because now is better and I also have dealt with it for longer. I do push back now more than I thought I would, and have done some fun things with D that have turned out great. New gf is definitely in the camp of Dad needs time with D and demanding fairness. I am glad D is really excited to do things with me.

Sorry - post is all over the map, but everything can be entangled.

[C.Stein]

There are times when when I err on giving D more time w/ x's family for certain big events, and then a few times I realize I cave for nothing. And it's very unlikely that it'll be reciprocated.

The most important thing you can do now is what is best for your daughter.  :)on't make it about you or you ex.  The only win you should be concerned about is giving your daughter the best of what you can offer her and help keep her grounded, balanced and happy.