What do I need to address in myself to handle this situation?

[Ulysses]

I'm not sure where to post this.  I feel it might be helpful to share some experiences I've had with a friend and get feedback from others.  I want to look at my reactions to a situation.  

When I was going through my divorce an acquaintance emailed me at the suggestion of mutual friends.  His wife had left him and he thought it could be helpful if we talked, to offer mutual support.  He's about 7 years older than I and has no children.  I agreed to lunch and have made it very clear since the beginning, in both email and in person, that I am not interested in dating.    

We have gone for hikes, movies or meals a handful of times (maybe 6?) over two years.  We run into each other at arts organization events.  

He helped me move one piece of furniture this weekend.  I invited him to dinner and before we left we chatted at my home.  He brought up very serious political and social topics and it was like there was no disagreeing with him.  A couple of times I said, oh, well, I guess we have to agree to disagree on that.  At one point he talked about his feelings of inadequacy (he is very intelligent and hard-working) and I listened, tried to support him.  He told me one of his reactions to failure and told me it was ok because that's what dogs do (meaning, it's instinctive).  I laughed because it struck me as funny and I did think he was joking (he is known for joking).  He stared at me intently and then a few minutes later I felt he brought up controversial topics and was yelling at me about them (sensitive topics that we didn't agree on, racism, sexism).  I didn't know what to do.  I was outwardly calm but inside, racing thoughts and almost feelings of panic.  At one point he said/yelled why shouldn't hand-holding and kissing in public be illegal because people who have never ever felt loved in their entire life are hurt by it.  I didn't know what to say.  I thought he should be saying this to a therapist, not to me.

I think laughing about the dog comment hurt him (I did apologize right away), but wouldn't a person say, hey, I'm not joking, it hurts that you're laughing at what I said?

Here were my thoughts at the time:  I wanted to ask him to leave my home.  However, I felt *obligated* to let him stay since he helped me move a piece of furniture.  I also worried what our mutual friends would say if he told them he helped me and then I kicked him out (I think this is a big issue for me - worried about what other people think of me).  I wondered if wanting to ask him to leave was a pattern of mine that I need to change (as in - avoid instead of address).  And, why is he bringing up these topics?  Later on I thought:  Maybe I should have told him I was uncomfortable.  Maybe I could have gone to the other room and offered coffee or something, to change the subject.

He has told me he never yelled at his wife, because he doesn't believe in yelling and watched his mother yell a lot.  But I certainly felt he yelled at me.  Perhaps my perspective is off?  Am I too sensitive?  Should I have asked him to leave?  If so, I'm not sure at this point what work I need to do to get to a place where I can do that.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Ulysses

I like the moving to another room, changing the subject and offering coffee option.

I was trying to imagine being in the situation you describe. And I think my instincts would be... 'Oh dear. This person I've spent time with over the years seems to have a side that I don't like - I didn't see that before.' This would make me want to establish some distance between me and them. Nothing dramatic. But a definite edging away.

While making the coffee I think I would have tried to come up with a polite reason why I needed to get an early night - so I could thank him for helping me, but make it clear that I didn't want to extend the evening.

You obviously felt able to disagree with him. That's good. But from what you say it sounds like he has sensitivities and vulnerabilities that were coming to the surface  - and as you say that's best dealt with by a therapist.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Ulysses,

That's a tough situation, especially since you were in a way, a captive audience inside your own home. I think I would have reacted similarly to you. Not because I care so much what others think about me, but because I so often defer to others' needs in those kinds of situations.

Similar to  Whatwasthat, I feel that making a move and offering coffee to change the subject was a good idea. It sounds like you might not be close enough to this man to talk about your feelings? I mean, would you have felt comfortable saying something like, "I can see that you really feel strongly about this subject and I think I understand where you are coming from. There are times when I enjoy these kinds of spirited discussions, but right now isn't one of them. How about changing the subject?"

The yelling would have really bothered me, too. You don't have to submit to that kind of behavior anywhere, let alone in your own home. I think it comes down to boundaries, which are kind AND firm. Some people react so badly to boundaries that I think many of us have been trained to not even go there, for fear of the reaction. At least I think that applies to me. And this guy seemed agitated, so I think your reluctance to deal with the situation head on is very understandable.

If there is a next time, you might try practicing boundaries and S.E.T. with him. Especially since he is not someone you are very close to, so the anxiety level won't be as high as with someone you feel you "need."

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Ulysses]

Thanks for your replies.  I've been thinking about what you both said, and thinking about how I felt in the situation.  I question if I have the in-the-moment composure to change the subject or get up to e.g. make coffee in a calm, graceful way that wouldn't agitate someone in that situation.  But that is what I'm going to aspire to if I find myself in that situation again.  He seemed so agitated that I wondered if/how my actions would escalate the situation. 

Whatwasthat, I especially have been thinking about your comment that this person has another side to them I hadn't seen.  Although I'm not surprised that he has another side I hadn't seen, I was surprised by what it was, essentially.  I hadn't thought of it in the way you stated, and I agree with what you said.  Interestingly (and surprisingly, for some reason), I find myself rather sad about this part of him, and feel disappointed with this piece of reality.  I'm so glad that I never dated him.  He often says he doesn't like having to find someone because it's like a job interview - you have to pretend to be someone you're not just to attract a partner.  I don't agree with this at all, whether dating or a job interview, and have mentioned it to him.

Heartandwhole, I like your suggestion of what I could say in this situation.  It was interesting because he just seemed to not want to back down, and defended other behavior earlier in the conversation.  When we first started talking he brought up his GI tract and problems he has surrounding it when he travels.  It was frankly gross and I lightly said, hey, um, TMI here.  He then defended what he was talking about, mentioning someone else he'd had a lengthy conversation with about it (as if I was the one who had a problem because I didn't want to talk about his constipation, etc.).  I guess I was expecting a change of subject, and perhaps an acknowledgement that I was uncomfortable with the subject matter.

I think practicing SET is a good idea.  Sometimes these days I'm so exhausted that I begin to think, why bother?  It's too much work.  But I am interested in remembering and practicing these communication skills, because I think they're helpful/effective in general.

And yes, I think some members of my FOO react poorly to boundaries, blaming and complaining when a person sets them.  Also my exH, but my eyes weren't open to it. 

Thanks again for your feedback.  I guess the way I'm looking at this is I have more data about this particular person.  I also have more information about me - setting boundaries (when am I good at it, when do I need to improve, finding ways to practice), practicing SET and other communication skills, and facing reality even when it's a little disappointing. 

[schwing]

Hi Ulysses,

... .He seemed so agitated that I wondered if/how my actions would escalate the situation. 

I think you should trust your instincts more instead of second guessing how any action you may or may not have taken escalated the situation.

He took a big risk in bringing up "serious political and social topics."  What could have possibly expected out of such a conversation?  He could find that you and he do not agree on all points, or perhaps even some points; and so he should have been able to navigate the conversation with differences in opinion. But no. His opinion seemed to be the only correct one, and I'm pretty sure he was trying to bully you into agreement.

... .He often says he doesn't like having to find someone because it's like a job interview - you have to pretend to be someone you're not just to attract a partner. 

His opinion of courtship strikes me as bad on so many levels.  That he feels like he needs to "pretend" to be someone else in order to attract someone, tells me that he's found few women are responsive to his natural disposition. Considering his behavior in your described conversation, I am not surprised.

He then defended what he was talking about, mentioning someone else he'd had a lengthy conversation with about it (as if I was the one who had a problem because I didn't want to talk about his constipation, etc.).  I guess I was expecting a change of subject, and perhaps an acknowledgement that I was uncomfortable with the subject matter.

Again, what was he thinking? That just because the subject was deemed appropriate by someone else, that you had no say in your own preferences in topics of conversation?

I think practicing SET is a good idea.  Sometimes these days I'm so exhausted that I begin to think, why bother?  It's too much work.  But I am interested in remembering and practicing these communication skills, because I think they're helpful/effective in general.

I find these techniques helpful also. But I also prefer company and conversation where I do not have to be so guarded that I must often employ these tools.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Whatwasthat]

I really get how disappointing it is to realise that someone has a side to them you don't like. But my experience is that if I don't see a lot of a new friend or acquaintance it can take quite a long time to get to know them properly. People do have 'bad days' of course. But if that's the case you'd expect them to apologise afterwards. I think your friend behaved aggressively and rudely and should have apologised for acting as he did.

Your conclusions seem very sensible.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for the feedback Schwing.  Trusting my instincts is something I've been working on over the last few years.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ulysses, Next time, if there is a next time, maybe you could meet him outside of your home, in a public place.  That way you can leave whenever you feel like it.  To me, you're being too hard on yourself.  Don't overthink it!  Suggest you pay attention to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Ulysses]

Good idea, Lucky Jim.  I also came to that conclusion.  The only reason he was in my home was to help me move a piece of furniture I couldn't.  Next time I'll hire a handyman for something like that!