Desperate husband on the verge of losing wife

[LovingHusband]

Hello, I have been through the ringer, and I suspect based on what I've read and the videos I've watched, that most of you have, too. It was only yesterday, as I scoured the web to find out why my wife was behaving so irrationally, searching frantically, that I found out about BPD. When I read the symptoms, it was like I was reading a textbook description of my wife. I will be trying to coax her into therapy, but I am in such a precarious position right now that I am in near panic mode myself. I love my wife with all my heart, and care about her so much that the thought of losing her is an anguish I've never experienced before.

Recently we got in a big fight over a trip she wanted to take to a very far-away place with a mutual male friend of ours. As her husband, I felt that was a completely unreasonable request - I'm fairly certain there aren't many husbands who would be OK with that. She was very upset over this, and accused me of being controlling. I suggested that her and I go on the trip together, and she said she didn't want to go with me. This hurt me greatly, and she was insistent on moving forward with this trip. Out of anger I told her that if she went on the trip that it would end our marriage. That sparked a large and very emotionally-charged discussion where she told me she's been unhappy with our marriage for a long time, and she's been wanting to move to this place for a while. This is in spite of the fact that recently we've been growing closer than we have been. Not to say that we weren't close already - or at least from my perspective we weren't, but we had drifted apart a bit, and things seemed to be getting better lately with us spending a lot more time together, and enjoying one another's company.

Now this is where the alarm bells started going off, and why I've been trying to find out how she can justify this part. She's recently befriended a man who lives in the place she wanted to move to. Keep in mind that she has talked about taking a trip to this place for years, and her becoming friends with this person is not the catalyst for her desire to live in this place. However, she threw herself into this friendship, and it's turned into an obsession with her. At the same time, she has withdrawn from our marriage, and wants it to be over, and nothing I say seems to matter. She has only been talking on webcam with this guy for about a month, and is willing to destroy her marriage, remove every bit of security she has, move away from friends, family, and the entire country, to move in with this person she has only talked with for a very short period of time.

Needless to say, I am in panic mode, because I have discovered this person is also an alcoholic who literally tried drinking himself to death, and wound up in a hospital as a result. That, coupled with her lack of knowledge regarding this person, is what I would consider extremely self-destructive and risky behavior.

I know this alone is not reason enough to think she has BPD, but there are many other things she has done and continues to do which makes me believe she does:

• Her empathy towards me while the recent events have been happening has been almost completely absent, in spite of her seeing the absolutely devastating effects it's having on her husband.
• She has displayed incredibly volatile angry outbursts at people she considers friends. One moment everything is fine, and then the next minute if she believes the person has wronged her, she flies into a rage and wants to disassociate herself from the person and wants nothing further to do with them.
• She had built me up as the best thing that's ever happened to her, and that I could do no wrong in her eyes. But at the same time she didn't trust me, and was suspicious of even the most benign things if it involved me doing something without her.
• She would become furious over any women that she perceived I might find attractive. And when I say furious, I am not talking about just being mad - I mean going off on tangents talking about how she would mutilate these women because she didn't want me to think they were good looking.
• The relationship she has with me as my wife has been rocky due to my lack of understanding of why she behaves so irrationally, and as a result she has withdrawn and wants to run away instead of try and save our marriage.
• She is addicted to very strong painkillers (Oxycontin) and ADHD medication. I believe she uses these as a means to medicate her emotional pain and emptiness.
• For years, she felt like I was going to leave her, and didn't want to be with her. All of this despite me telling her how much I love her and care about her, and that I was not going anywhere. She would be manic over the thought of me leaving her, and desperate to do anything to keep me.
• She has attempted self-harm recently, saying she "stopped herself" from taking more pills than she did, because of a perceived slight of this new guy she's been talking with. Bear in mind that she did this when she only knew him for a few weeks.
• She has to take anxiety medicine because she often feels that a panic attack is just around the corner.
• With the situation she's placed herself in, she is acting impulsively with wanting to move out of the country to be with someone she barely knows.
• She has next to no self-confidence, and doesn't feel she has any value at all. She has recently complained that she doesn't know what she wants out of life, and she's 33.
• She has no goals, no aspirations, no career path, and has never been able to hold onto a job.
• She is addicted to people thinking she is a "good person", and craves validation from people as if it were a drug.
• Her looks are almost everything to her. She is beautiful, and she clings to her beauty because she feels that is about the only thing of value she possesses.

So as you can see, the critical status of our relationship seems to be the latest in a very long line of problems. And I feel awful for never realizing that she might have a disease that could be treated. What has me in panic-mode is that she is probably going to be very shut-off from any suggestions I might have, and the fact that this other person is involved, and has no idea about her mental problems, is going to make a volatile situation even worse, because of course he wants her to come out there, and is telling her everything she wants to hear.

So, that's my story. I am desperate right now, searching for help wherever I can get it. I want to save our marriage, of  course, but I also want to do whatever I can while I might still have a chance to get her help. As long as she is married to me she has good insurance that can pay for medicine and therapy to address her disease. Once she does get a divorce, that is no longer a possibility, and if she manages to leave the country (I am not lifting a finger to help her do this) then she will be beyond my reach and ability to do anything at all for her. So here I am, reaching out and telling my story, hoping that maybe I can get some direction on how I can talk to her about this. I have an appointment today with our doctor, to tell him what is happening, because she has an appointment with him in a few days. I think she's trying to get him to give her medication for her move, or at the very least find out what options she has for getting alternative medicines in the other country. I also called a BPD resource center to see about setting up an appointment with a specialist in our area, that I hope I can get her to go to.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[LovingHusband]

I realized I didn't really ask any questions. The questions I have are:

How can I go about trying to get her into therapy?

Has anyone else experienced something like this, where a 3rd party has taken the place of the person someone with BPD has relied on for a very long while, especially if it's a spouse who has been replaced? This new person is wreaking havoc and has facilitated what I think is a fantasy of hers where moving to a different country will somehow help her.

[Meili]

I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You are correct though, many of us have also been there, and that's why this site exists so that we can help one another get through it. There are some very useful tools in the sidebar to the right of the page.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you probably won't have a lot of luck trying to convince her that she needs to be in therapy; especially not right now while she's acting the way that you say.

At this point, the most important thing that you can do is stop your panic. It's not an easy thing to do, I understand that. But, being panicked won't bring you any closer to your goal of saving your marriage. In fact, it can make things much worse than they need to be.

While in a panicked state, you are more likely to be reactive than proactive. Focusing on yourself rather than what your wife is doing will help with that. We all discover just how hard that is to do in these types of situations. With practice, you can learn to do it however.

Many of us have experienced being replaced. As you are aware, it is both confusing and painful (to say the least!). It is very damaging to our egos and sense of self-worth. The damage is another reason why focusing on yourself is helpful.

I realize all of that might sound trite, but that's the first step. Once you are in a place that is not governed by panic, you can then start to successfully use the tools that can be found on this site like listening with empathy, setting boundaries, and not invalidating her. But, if you're in a state of panic, it's much harder to remember that none of this is about you, you are just the recipient of her choices.

[LovingHusband]

Thank you for the response. I am trying to keep the panic in check, but it's very difficult when I highly suspect she is suffering from this disease, and knowing there is a virtual clock counting down with the window of opportunity to get her help.

As a follow-up question: she's been staying with a friend for about 5 days, and is due back home tomorrow. I have told her that she cannot talk to the 3rd party person that she is obsessed with while she is in the house. She's promised she won't, and plans on texting the guy elsewhere. Is it right for me to cut off access to this person she has thrown herself on? She has completely idealized this person, even though she's only know him for about a month, and I feel that he is inadvertently enabling her. I'm sure he means well, but he has very serious issues of his own, and it seems like doing what I can to stop her from talking to him is in her best interest. Am I right in doing this?

[Dobzhansky]

Wow.  Wow, wow, wow.

Your experience is very _similar_ to mine and also very different.  It's like my wife went along the same general script but skipped the addiction to meds and the obsession w a 3rd person. 

She left the state and her girls and moved 1500 miles away.  She has been gone two years.  I have received help through therapy and so have girls.  I was completely freaked out and panicked like the world was ending.  Its the closest to abject despair I have ever been.

I have reached a point after all this to where I am reasonably comfortable moving forward w divorce/dissolution.  Youngest daughter will be 18 in January, and so I am pushing this forward to be able to take advantage of whatever my housing a minor child will give.

My purpose here, I guess is to give assurance you will make it through this.  I have concluded my wife is deeply damaged and broken (emotionally and spiritually) and needs years to come out of the other side of this.  I do not think we will ever be together again as a married couple, and that's really good.  I have boundaries now that I can enforce and there's no way I would begin co-habitating with her without a good 5 yrs of intensive therapy.

Will be praying for you

[Meili]

In my humble opinion, trying to control the actions of another is never right. I do understand your thinking and desire to protect her from herself though. It is really hard to watch them self-destruct when all that we want to do is make them safe.

In reality, the best that we can do is love them and support that which we feel is worthy of support. Absent that, we can only control ourselves and what we are willing to allow into our lives. Around here, we talk a lot about BOUNDARIES and the ways to use them to protect ourselves.

[LovingHusband]

Wow.  Wow, wow, wow.

Your experience is very _similar_ to mine and also very different.  It's like my wife went along the same general script but skipped the addiction to meds and the obsession w a 3rd person. 

She left the state and her girls and moved 1500 miles away.  She has been gone two years.  I have received help through therapy and so have girls.  I was completely freaked out and panicked like the world was ending.  Its the closest to abject despair I have ever been.

I have reached a point after all this to where I am reasonably comfortable moving forward w divorce/dissolution.  Youngest daughter will be 18 in January, and so I am pushing this forward to be able to take advantage of whatever my housing a minor child will give.

My purpose here, I guess is to give assurance you will make it through this.  I have concluded my wife is deeply damaged and broken (emotionally and spiritually) and needs years to come out of the other side of this.  I do not think we will ever be together again as a married couple, and that's really good.  I have boundaries now that I can enforce and there's no way I would begin co-habitating with her without a good 5 yrs of intensive therapy.

Will be praying for you

Thank you so much for sharing. I know the anguish you went through, because I am going through that right now, and to say it's "heart breaking" is the understatement of the year. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's difficult not to when I feel that right now, when things are at their worst, is when I finally woke up and went on a crusade to see what the heck went wrong.

[LovingHusband]

In my humble opinion, trying to control the actions of another is never right. I do understand your thinking and desire to protect her from herself though. It is really hard to watch them self-destruct when all that we want to do is make them safe.

In reality, the best that we can do is love them and support that which we feel is worthy of support. Absent that, we can only control ourselves and what we are willing to allow into our lives. Around here, we talk a lot about BOUNDARIES and the ways to use them to protect ourselves.

Is it right that I feel I am protecting myself by not allowing her to talk to him while in the house? Seeing or knowing she is talking with him causes major distress in me, because it is a reminder of someone who has apparently taken my place, and it hurts very much to know it's happening right under my roof.

[Meili]

In my opinion, it isn't right to demand that she not talk to someone because it causes you discomfort.

What are you going to do if she does?

[LovingHusband]

In my opinion, it isn't right to demand that she not talk to someone because it causes you discomfort.

What are you going to do if she does?

The only thing I can do: be grief-stricken.

[Meili]

Where are your boundaries with regard to her? And, remember that boundaries are all about not allowing another person to do something to you. (For the record, her talking to another person isn't actually doing anything to you.)

The demand that she not talk to the other person is more of an ultimatum, but what is her consequence of her action? An ultimatum without consequence is nothing more than bullying and a threat.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you make any ultimatums. I'm merely pointing out that tactics like you are trying to use don't work and cause more damage.

It is far healthier to simply express your feelings by saying something like, "It really hurts me when you talk to your friend when you're in the house." and then allow her to make her own decisions; then you can make yours and go from there. You have to decide what you are going to accept in your life.

With regard to getting her into therapy, here's an article on Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy. She may see any attempts to convince her that she needs help as an accusation and become adversarial. You may get further, much quicker, if you learn all that you can about BPD and be a guide for her during this time.

[LovingHusband]

Where are your boundaries with regard to her? And, remember that boundaries are all about not allowing another person to do something to you. (For the record, her talking to another person isn't actually doing anything to you.)

The demand that she not talk to the other person is more of an ultimatum, but what is her consequence of her action? An ultimatum without consequence is nothing more than bullying and a threat.

Now, please don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you make any ultimatums. I'm merely pointing out that tactics like you are trying to use don't work and cause more damage.

It is far healthier to simply express your feelings by saying something like, "It really hurts me when you talk to your friend when you're in the house." and then allow her to make her own decisions; then you can make yours and go from there. You have to decide what you are going to accept in your life.

With regard to getting her into therapy, here's an article on Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy. She may see any attempts to convince her that she needs help as an accusation and become adversarial. You may get further, much quicker, if you learn all that you can about BPD and be a guide for her during this time.

Thanks Meili, I'll do my best to try. It does feel like my heart is being torn out when she talks to this guy. I don't want to make things worse than they are.

[Meili]

I think that we can all understand the pain that you are going though. It is really hard watching things like this happen and being powerless to change it. We want, desperately, to not just maintain what we had, but to also ease the troubled mind of the pwBPD so that they don't destroy what they have.

The only thing that I've found that helps to radically accept what pwBPD do and the fact that I cannot fix another person. Radically accepting is not easy. It takes casting aside all thoughts of how we thinks should be and just accept what is. We have to discard all expectations and thoughts about how another should act.

This helped me when I first got here:

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

see:
1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

When I started to choose acceptance rather than the other three options it began to hurt less.

[LovingHusband]

I think that we can all understand the pain that you are going though. It is really hard watching things like this happen and being powerless to change it. We want, desperately, to not just maintain what we had, but to also ease the troubled mind of the pwBPD so that they don't destroy what they have.

The only thing that I've found that helps to radically accept what pwBPD do and the fact that I cannot fix another person. Radically accepting is not easy. It takes casting aside all thoughts of how we thinks should be and just accept what is. We have to discard all expectations and thoughts about how another should act.

This helped me when I first got here:

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

see:
1.06 | Radical Acceptance For Family Members (DBT skill)

When I started to choose acceptance rather than the other three options it began to hurt less.

Wow, that is really going to take a lot of work for me. I guess the reality is I don't have a choice in the matter. Either I deal with it and try to evolve, or I'll be wallowing in misery for a very, very long while. I cannot change her, and cannot reverse the course she's laid out for herself, unless she wants to make that change. I certainly won't help her with what she's doing by trying to leave the country, but instead of letting it eat me up inside I need to allow her to go her own way, and potentially fail miserably at it. The only thing that really still scares me is the thought of what she might to do herself if things do blow up on her. She'll have flown halfway around the world, wound up with someone who is incredibly bad for her despite the fantasy she's generated in her mind, had that break down, and then she'll be forced to finally realize what she did to her marriage. All while thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about her. I'm almost certain she would be suicidal at that point. But this is the worst case scenario. Who knows, maybe the guy is really nice despite being an alcoholic, and maybe he'll be able to accept her massive insecurities the way I did. I just can't see how a person with a drinking problem is going to be able to deal with someone with BPD.

[Meili]

Maybe she won't even go. Maybe she'll decide to go somewhere else. There are an infinite number of possibilities here. Focusing on the maybe's will drive you insane!

But, you're right, you can only control your own behaviors and how you react here.

Do you think that you might be able to bring things in your marriage back to center before she decides that it's time to leave?

In your original post you wrote:

Recently we got in a big fight over a trip she wanted to take to a very far-away place with a mutual male friend of ours. As her husband, I felt that was a completely unreasonable request - I'm fairly certain there aren't many husbands who would be OK with that. She was very upset over this, and accused me of being controlling. I suggested that her and I go on the trip together, and she said she didn't want to go with me. This hurt me greatly, and she was insistent on moving forward with this trip. Out of anger I told her that if she went on the trip that it would end our marriage. That sparked a large and very emotionally-charged discussion where she told me she's been unhappy with our marriage for a long time, and she's been wanting to move to this place for a while.

There is a lot of good information in there. She was telling you how she was feeling and you (presumably) were telling her how you felt. I'm going to guess that you were not very validating while you were doing it (my x and I are currently trying to work things out and she's about to take a trip to another country with another man who she swears, and I believe her, is just a friend... .I reacted very poorly out of anger and frustration and wholly invalidated her btw). That probably escalated things and made her feel shame. Then came your threat of divorce. This probably triggered her abandonment fears. Does that feel like it fits?

[LovingHusband]

There is a lot of good information in there. She was telling you how she was feeling and you (presumably) were telling her how you felt. I'm going to guess that you were not very validating while you were doing it (my x and I are currently trying to work things out and she's about to take a trip to another country with another man who she swears, and I believe her, is just a friend... .I reacted very poorly out of anger and frustration and wholly invalidated her btw). That probably escalated things and made her feel shame. Then came your threat of divorce. This probably triggered her abandonment fears. Does that feel like it fits?

I'm sure it invalidated her, but I don't think she was feeling shame. I think she was feeling controlled and held down. My ultimatum might have triggered her abandonment fears, which instead of in the past where she would have bitterly dropped the subject, she starting bonding with this new person instead, and devalued our marriage, our relationship, and ultimately me.

[forgump]

It's eerie how many similarities there are between your situation and mine.

I hope you're enduring this ok ... .

[LovingHusband]

It's eerie how many similarities there are between your situation and mine.

I hope you're enduring this ok ... .

I'm not, to be quite honest. Things were OK between us for a little while, until she tried telling me that she thinks despite what she plans on doing, that her and I won't be over. She seems to think that she can just divorce me, get together with this guy, then if and when things don't work out, she can just come back to me. On top of it, I told her if she ever plans on being with me she better get on birth control, and she refuses because she thinks they make people fat. I had a vasectomy over 2 decades ago so she hasn't had to worry about getting pregnant, but she is willing to risk it and I told her if she thinks she's going to come back to me with another man's child, she's out of her mind. Then she also told me that she loves him now, and that was pretty much it for me. I told her then he can help pay for our divorce, since I'm the only one losing everything in this situation, and I feel that at the very least if he wants her out there, he can help pay for the divorce he's partially caused. So her and I are once again angry at each other, and she's not getting her way so she's especially mad.

[forgump]

if she thinks she's going to come back to me with another man's child, she's out of her mind.

Even that is a very generous sentiment ... .it implies you'd take her back if she leaves you and comes back as long as she's not pregnant.

How did things work out in the end? Are you getting a divorce?

Whatever happened, I hope you're in a better place... .