Long gone, but not forgotten (unfortunately) - uBPDmother's emotional legacy

[MzAnneThrope]

Hello,

This is my first posting on the forum, and I just wanted to say what a marvelous resource this site is, and to thank all of you compassionate and articulate people who are part of it for your commendable efforts in maintaining it. I only wish I'd had access to this kind of information, validation and support when I was growing up with a severely uBPD Waif/Queen mother over half a century ago, but I'm very glad that others in similar situations now have this opportunity, because I'm sure it will make a tremendous difference in the quality of their lives, both now and down the road.

This is probably the first site that I've ever been on in which my frank disclosure that my mother's gruesome gunshot suicide (almost 30 years ago now) was the single biggest relief of my then-23-y/o life will not be viewed as completely shocking, or terribly insensitive.

And over the course of nearly three decades of actively working to heal myself, both in therapy (at various junctures) and through other personal growth formats, such as regular anonymous peer support group meeting attendance and extensively educating myself about such things as attachment issues, the impact of parental BPD on children, and recovery from codependency, I have indeed experienced a tremendous amount of healing in regard to the psychological and emotional wounds that I sustained in my youth. I have been supremely fortunate to have been able to recover from PTSD, to relinquish the intense shame and feelings of inadequacy that I lived with for many years, and to grow to become the healthily self-regarding human being that I now am, who fully understands, accepts and unconditionally loves herself (which is nothing short of a miracle, considering the level of deprecation that I was frequently exposed to by my mother throughout my formative years).

However, the severe neglect that I was often subjected to in infancy, with its attendant lack of healthy attachment (and corresponding failure to instill a healthy capacity for self-soothing in me) has definitely left scars, and despite all of the impressive coping skills that I've added to my emotional toolkit over the years, I still at times find myself irrationally triggered into anxieties about potentially not being able to cope with painful situations (in spite of my objective track record of coping quite well, all things considered), or of becoming entirely overwhelmed by life, which I think is quite likely a legacy of my own mother's issues in this regard. I was just wondering if any others here have experienced similar issues, and if so, how they have addressed them. Thanks in advance for any input you may have for me on this.

[Sunfl0wer]

 . Welcome!

Well, no judgement from me.  I have had several abusers die and will be first to say I have had great relief and feel the world is a better place without them, even if I am not having black/white thinking and am seeing them as whole people including their work, family contributions, etc.  ... .yup, better off.

So, I had been posting around here at times and someone suggested to me to soothe myself by leaning into the pain and anxieties and listening to what they mean for me, what I am feeling I am missing, and provide it to myself.  Maybe that sounds simple, or hard, idk, but I began doing just that and have been finding a great deal about myself through this and a great deal of healing has resulted.  (I also post in the personal inventory board, not that one is too different, but I think several have spoke of this leaning into pain thing anyway)

So here is a site I had found at some point to help guide me in my car conversations with myself: https://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

Another thing I started is EMDR.  I too had infant issues with attachment.  I suspect I have a disorganized type and was a bit discouraged that the darn book on attachment actually acted like disorganized was too rare or something to even go into. Oh well, wouldn't be the first time I am considered odd.  Anyways, the EMDR is supposed to have some excellent results.  I am not diving in fast, got lots of stuff to sort first, but the small bit I have done was helpful, and I will do more when we are ready.

Actually, the prep work is grounding, and stabilization, things like "anchoring" having an item in the present that helps you feel grounded in the present, visualizations that help recreate inner peace, umm, you've done lots sounds like so I'll leave it at that as you likely know many tools and I forget many things anyways.

[MzAnneThrope]

Hello, Sunfl0wer!

Thank you for the welcome, and for your supportive response, and for sharing some of your history and experiences with me; I really appreciated you taking the time to do it.

It's so wonderfully fitting that you had mentioned leaning into the uncomfortable emotions (pain and anxieties) in order to ultimately self-soothe, because I actually ended up doing just that (by way of just surrendering to my feelings of anxiety and sadness and allowing myself to become aware of and to grieve the underlying issue) before I'd seen your reply yesterday, and it indeed worked like a charm!

In this particular instance, the underlying issue was that I'd been triggered into some old incompletely grieved pain by a brief and wholly innocuous momentary emotional disconnect with a close friend, and I simply needed to grieve (yet again) the original pain of having been abused and then emotionally abandoned multiple times at the point of greatest emotional vulnerability by my mother, and also to acknowledge to myself that despite my generally avoidant self-protective stance regarding attachment, I have actually allowed myself to develop a healthy emotional attachment to this person (who is very safe and loving). So it was ultimately an excellent opportunity to process some old pain, and to celebrate some very significant (and previously unrecognized) personal/relational growth on my part, and I was then courageously able to take my relationship with my friend to an even deeper level of intimacy by openly sharing my experience and feelings with him, to which he responded very gently and supportively (which was a further corrective experience for me, helping me to recognize that my old belief that "vulnerability always invariably leads to abuse/abandonment" is in need of an update).

Thank you again, and for your other suggestions as well, Sunfl0wer; I'm always up for adding more tools to the coping toolkit - we can't have too many of those, can we?  

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey MzAnneThrope,

Glad you found some things helpful.

When I think of leaning into the pain, I actually am always reminded of something similar to what you described about original pain and abandonment.

I was not raised by my birth parents and felt hated by the woman raising me.  When my most recent ex and I broke up I recall taking two days of sick leave and laying in bed under the covers doing that leaning into the pain thing as recommended by others.  I spent time watching and listening to where the pain took me and found myself feeling very much like a young girl who was grieving in a very very raw way for the first time unleashed the way I needed to.  I also spent time thinking of what I wished someone would have said to me through it and in my own head, said those things.  I imagined what I wanted, to be held and such, and wrapped in my blankets, I imagined receiving what I needed, but from myself.

Returning to this way of self soothing has been very powerful to me.  I usually though think of having a friend with me saying things I wish to hear vs needing to curl up in bed always.  Or I imagine my older self spending time with my younger self and just allowing her feelings to exist, sitting with them with her.

Here is a link to a list of self soothing stuff:
www.wwu.edu/counseling/self-soothing.shtml

I seem to not try a bunch of different things and end up sticking with a few things such as getting an ice cream, reading, using visualization of a good time that I can use to change my whole emotional state to recreate that in my mind.  The visualization stuff my T told me to "tap in" meaning fold arms half way and tap on Left and Right side of body to get the feeling to stick with you better when trying to recreate it next time.

Oh, and I like scents like lavendar on my pillows, I like lots of pillows, have done guided meditations from youtube, coloring or sketching, treating myself to something I normally feel is a splurge.

Idk, some days I may feel so distraught that I claim "mental health day" inside my mind and pretend I am being led through my day by a kind friend and I think of my day in terms of "how can I make this moment kind to me?"

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI MzAnneThropeK:   

. . .despite all of the impressive coping skills that I've added to my emotional toolkit over the years, I still at times find myself irrationally triggered into anxieties about potentially not being able to cope with painful situations (in spite of my objective track record of coping quite well, all things considered), or of becoming entirely overwhelmed by life, which I think is quite likely a legacy of my own mother's issues in this regard. I was just wondering if any others here have experienced similar issues, and if so, how they have addressed them.

This may not apply to you, but just thought I'd throw out the thought for consideration.

I think that BPD can be biological, environmental or a combination of both.  I think that many of us have a trait or two from the list of BPD traits.  Anxiety and/or depression commonly runs in families with BPD.  I tend to think that some of us, because of genetics, are prone to a bit of extra anxiety in our lives.  It might just appear periodically, perhaps being prompted by certain other physiological changes or environmental.  I think that some folks with anxiety in the family can be marginally normal, and can tip into states of anxiety at times.

My dad had some traits of BPD, but didn't have enough of the traits to qualify for the label.  My sister has had her issues, but exhibited many of the classic BPD traits, when our parent's health began to decline and then they both died. My sister's behavior towards me, led me to go to therapy.  From a "Walking on Eggshells" workbook, my sister fit the description of a high-functioning BPD.

I have my own issues with anxiety and Winter Depression (SAD). Worrying can become an unwelcome preoccupation.  I tend to think there is a biological component in my situation, that makes me more susceptible to anxiety.  It took me awhile to embrace this thought, but that is the logic I have evolved to.

[MzAnneThrope]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

Thank you again for taking the time to share your experience with delayed grieving of some of your own childhood trauma; I could definitely relate to it, and to some of your healing process, as well.

While I find it tremendously sad that any of us has experienced such traumas in the first place, I am also grateful for the fact that present-day pain or other triggers can at times potentially serve as a catalyst for more fully grieving incompletely processed pain from the past, provided that we're able to meet them with sufficient insight, internalized coping skills, and self-compassion.

For myself anyway, verbal/intellectual processing of my pre-verbal attachment trauma hasn't proven to be effective for tapping into that primal abandonment terror, since my strongly avoidant attachment stance has traditionally kept me effectively shielded from accessing that pain, but getting triggered recently really breached that defensive barrier, and I'm so glad that I was able to finally allow myself to fully feel the pain, and to cry at least some of it out over a period of several days.

So for me, that was just yet another reminder of the importance of working an ongoing program of conscious personal growth and healing (which I've been engaged in for nearly three decades at this point). But as the title of this thread suggests, I sometimes just feel really tired of periodically having to  deal with sequelae (from the extensive damage inflicted during my infancy and early life) over half a century later. (I imagine more than a few folks here will be able to relate to that sentiment, if not to the exact time frame.) This is part of my grief process as well; I'm gradually coming to realize that these issues may never be completely resolved in my lifetime (although I am extremely grateful for the level of healing that I have achieved).

I sometimes feel a bit self-conscious on the occasions that I process about my childhood abuse issues in the 12-Step codependency support groups I attend, because part of me wonders if some of my peers might be thinking "Oh for f*#%'s sake, stop whining about your mother and move on already!", but I never let that stop me from sharing about it. (I realize that a large part of that feeling likely stems from the abuse that I invariably received from my mother on the rare occasions that I dared to openly express any sadness or discontent, which she would belittle with acid sarcasm; I can sometimes attribute this hostile mindset to others in the present, particularly when I'm feeling vulnerable, as I do when I share about childhood pain.) So it is nice to have a forum like this to share on as well, as I'm certain that many adult children of pwBPD must relate to this same issue, and will also understand the value of working through childhood trauma.

So thanks again for your sharing, and for the link to the list of self-soothing ideas as well, Sunfl0wer.  

[Sunfl0wer]

Had other thoughts, but pressed for time and often loose my focus frequently, so just gonna reply for one bit for now... .

I'm gradually coming to realize that these issues may never be completely resolved in my lifetime

As I am getting older, and working through many things I thought were way way behind me... .
I am starting to feel that acceptance IS a kind of resolution.
Accepting that these things exist to some extent within us and making peace with that vs eradicating any remnant of hurt.  I am thinking these things have a peaceful place within us that they can exist, be real, and stay, and we can be ok with that.

I didn't articulate that as ideal As I hoped.  Yet maybe looking at how we define "resolution" can help us?

[MzAnneThrope]

Naughty Nibbler: Thank you for your input, and for sharing your experiences with me as well. I think that is a very good point that you made, although in this particular situation my anxiety was ultimately linked to being triggered into old abandonment issues, it just took me some time to get clear about what the actual issue was.


Sunfl0wer: That's a commendably mature and healthy way of looking at acceptance AS resolution; I like that, and think that it's probably very accurate. I just apparently had some underlying hope that there would eventually come a time in my healing process when I would become fully 'trigger-proof', but I'm now coming to the realization that that likely isn't realistic. But it's good to be able to consciously identify and articulate it, as I wasn't actually aware that I even had that belief until this last triggering episode... .and what still needs to be healed, still needs to be healed, so I can accept the purpose for the discomfort that being triggered causes me. I just still feel sad/frustrated about it sometimes.

Also, your sharing in your previous message about the technique that you have used to soothe your younger self by envisioning your older self validating her feelings made me think of a wonderful book that I used many years ago to help myself begin my healing process: Recreating Your Self, by Nancy J. Napier. (Back in the 90's, the book had a different subtitle (it was formerly "Help for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families", which has since been changed to "Increasing Self-Esteem Through Imaging and Self-Hypnosis".)  If you're not already familiar with it, I would highly recommend it - it contains an extensive imagery exercise on connecting with your nurturing future self, as well as giving back old abusive 'hand-me-downs' and other exercises for healing childhood wounds.

Thanks again to both of you for your input.

[Notwendy]

Hi Miz, I also don't judge you for feeling relief at the loss of an abuser, yet I imagine there could be some guilt in that feeling as well. My mother has BPD and is still alive. My father passed away a while back. My feelings for him were very different than my feelings for my mother. I don't think I have attachment feelings for her, but I saw my father as the "normal parent"- and was very attached to him. However, to my mother, this became a triangle and she controlled his relationship with me. I didn't respond to punishment from her- so she enacted it through him. In this way, he was both the one parent I felt love from and her co-abuser.

When he died, I felt a mix of feelings. The major one was despondent. I still miss him. He was the only parent I felt I had and,even at middle age, I felt like an orphan. The other feeling though was oddly relief. He was the only parent who I felt could hurt me emotionally- and was the vehicle of my mother's abuse. She could no longer do that.

For the first time ever, I thought I had a real choice. Before, to go NC with her would mean NC with him too. He would not have agreed to communicate with me on his own. In fact, she listened in to all our phone calls and read his e mails, so it would not have been possible. So I could walk away from her if I wanted to.

But at the time, I considered that, while she may have had all the power to abuse me when I was a helpless child, I am not a child and she is an elderly woman. It may feel to me like she is an all powerful person, yet, the reality is that, she is a mentally ill, elderly woman and basically she is alone. This doesn't mean I step in as her caretaker. I won't do that ,and my father left her enough money to hire help. But I thought about this in terms of Karma. She may have been abusive to me when I was helpless, but now that she is helpless, how will I behave toward her?

But without the fear of my father's wrath, I have boundaries, and I am setting an example for an emotionally healthier relationship now that I don't have to fear being punished for doing so.

Miz, I see your situation as both fortunate and unfortunate. Your mother's death freed you from abuse at the time. However, it also froze the image of her in time as an all powerful parent, and you, a child. The two of you didn't have the opportunity to evolve in your roles. Had she been alive now, she may still be mean and abusive, but you'd see her in a small elderly body instead of the young vigorous adult towering over you. You may also still want to have nothing to do with her and yet, be facing your own values ( instead of FOG) about how to have both a relationship with an elderly parent while keeping your own boundaries.

Part of reparenting ourselves is working with our inner child, the child that was so hurt and scared. On the other hand, I wonder if visualizing your mother as she would be now- someone who can not hurt you, might help you as well.

[MzAnneThrope]

Hello Notwendy,

Thanks for sharing your own experiences and perspectives with me as well.

Regarding the guilt, yes, I did have some guilt to work through after my mother's suicide, particularly since she'd frequently told me throughout the first 22 years of my life that she would kill herself if I ever left her. When I finally chose to move out (or as I sometimes think of it, made my successful escape), I was well aware that she might follow through with her threat, but I had by then arrived at the conclusion that if I continued to stay in that environment any longer that I would be the one taking my own life (I'd already had one close call, after years of my own suicidal depression).

And so I consciously chose to take a stand for myself, and to prioritize my own well-being, after over two decades of being held emotional hostage, and codependently caretaking her at great emotional expense to myself. That decision was very empowering, and is one that I've honestly never regretted making, even though she did indeed kill herself less than a year after I left.

In regard to your comment about my view of my mother being frozen at the time of her death, I believe that it has been, although not in the way that you conceived of it (with her as the all-powerful parent and me as the child); if anything, due to the parentification that I'd been subjected to from a very young age, it was nearly the opposite of that, although at the end, I didn't see her as a child, but more like an embittered, envious, and emotionally vampiric sibling who deeply resented my increasing independence, happiness and successes, and who would do anything in her power in an attempt to emotionally cripple me in order to prevent me from walking away from her.

That view, however, has indeed been frozen in time for me, because it was the first clear view I'd ever really had of her in my adult life (it was a revelation, really), and my resulting anger about her abusive resentment towards me was what finally helped me to make that crucial decision to break free from her. So I haven't really ever considered what life would be like if I attempted to modify that in any way, although that is certainly something to think about.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your input, Notwendy.

[Notwendy]

Hi Miz,

I was parentified as well and saw my mother as both helpless and yet powerful. Because of her control over my father, she had significant control over us. By college age, it was my mother who determined if I received any financial help from my father for school and even more- basically any money or gifts he gave me had to be approved by her. Once he gave me something and told me to sneak it out of the house before she found out.

So, I saw her as both needy/helpless and yet controlling/powerful. After my father passed away- she continued her controlling behavior through his possessions, threatening to destroy them, give them away. Some of them she did give to others or discard.

I believe that my father lived under the fear of her suicide threats/attempts. I have very vague memories of these as we were sent to stay with relatives at the time- and then returned home to find parents acting as if nothing happened. I feel for you as this is very scary. What your mother did was sad and also cruel.

It was only after my father passed away that my mother "lost" her power over me. She still attempts to be demanding and controlling, but it has lost its effectiveness. I was not afraid of her anger, but I was afraid of my father's. In addition, I craved his approval and love.

My relationship with my mother now is a result of my own values not her, and still it is a struggle for me to keep boundaries and not fall into a co-dependent pattern with her. It is also a result of both our ages. She is old and alone, and I wouldn't be comfortable with myself doing this now.

I can share a couple of things that may help you to visualize about your mother. None of them negate what she did to you or your feelings, yet, I hope that one day you are able to be more free ( I say more, not entirely because I think it is a work in progress) because, you deserve to be more free of them.

My mother was abusive, but I believe she was also abused. This doesn't excuse what she did, but seeing her as an abused child, helps me to be empathetic. People who are hurting- hurt others. My mother's feelings are not my responsibility- I don't want to be co-dependent with her. Yet, seeing this from a point of not being attached to it helps me to understand that what she does is not personal to me.

I have gotten to know her FOO as an adult. They aren't bad people. However, they are very invalidating. When speaking to them, we may as well be invisible. They don't seem to hear you or see you and go on talking about themselves. My mother would be a bear if we were going to see them- everything had to be perfect, we had to have done something impressive. They are her first thought- what will this family say? For my family- we don't want to get into these kinds of discussions, so we are just pleasant and say little and move on.

I felt genuinely sorry for her growing up with them. I could see that nothing she did, or said, received any validation. This along with her mental illness was a tough way to grow up. I also suspect she was abused, however, that remains unspoken by her FOO- and if she was, that person who did it is gone.

I don't think I could have seen any of this at age 22. I'm sharing this, not to excuse your mother, but in hopes that considering your mother as a sick person, one who may have been abused herself, will help you to reframe your vision of your own mother and start to let go of the pain she has caused you. It isn't for her, but for you.

[Notwendy]

You mentioned 12 step groups. I've participated in them as well. Have you worked the steps with a sponsor? I found this to be very helpful for a number of reasons.

The one on one relationship in itself is healing, because a sponsor is modeling a healthy relationship and showing a form of love that is not co-dependent. It can be tough love sometimes, forcing you to look at parts of yourself that are tough to look at. To me, tough love is a form of parental love as well. Our childhoods may have been lacking in warm love, but also tough love- which is a form of warm love that isn't punishment/fear/manipulation.

The steps are good at helping with resentments. Even if your mother deserved to be resentment, the letting go is for you, not her.

You may have to do the steps more than once and possibly with a different sponsor. It's a work in progress. Also, the steps from an ACA ( which includes dysfunction, not just alcohol abuse) may be a different experience from the AA of Coda steps even if the principles are the same.

The gender of the sponsor might make a difference for you. I chose a woman because because I felt I needed a mature female role model.

Perhaps some of these experiences would help you.

[MzAnneThrope]

Hi Notwendy,

Thanks again for sharing some more of your experiences and your perspectives with me.

One of the things that you mentioned (being able to cultivate greater compassion towards your mother by taking her own childhood abuse/invalidation experiences into account) is actually the primary reason why I've had such difficulty with fully forgiving my mother.

While my late father was an emotionally unpredictable alcoholic (and a sometimes violently rage-filled wife-batterer from whom I had to protect my mother on occasion), I could at least understand (as I got older) where his dysfunction came from (he was the unloved middle son of a woman who I now believe was almost certainly a uBPD Witch (or who at least expressed that aspect of her personality towards him, if not to his brothers, who nonetheless also ended up with serious mental health issues of their own), and his never-worked-through rage towards her fueled his angry misogyny, as well as his unconscious attraction to a uBPD Waif/Queen (my mother) who he could achieve complete domination over (which he'd wished to do, but never was able to, with his own cruelly domineering mother (who died shortly after I was born). I spent a certain portion of my adolescence seriously considering killing him (and actually openly told him, at age 15, that I would take his .357 and blow his head off as he slept if he ever physically threatened my mother again), but as furious as I frequently felt towards him in my youth, I at least had some sympathy for him regarding his own abusive childhood and the scars it clearly left him with. And after being NC with him for several years (he refused to speak to me after I set a boundary with him requesting that he not drink during my visits with him), I was ultimately able to confront, forgive, and make peace with him before he died as a result of Hodgkin's lymphoma (13 years after my mother's death).

My mother, however, was raised by the two most loving and kind-hearted people I've ever known; I have sometimes said, only half-jokingly, that my beloved maternal grandparents were the main reason that I didn't grow up to be a serial killer, and I attribute nearly all of the relational attachment that I have been able to achieve with others in my life to their lifelong unconditional love and positive regard for me. While I recognize that they weren't actually saints (my grandmother in particular was quite codependent/caretaking), they were never neglectful or abusive (or even mildly angry or disapproving) towards me (and I never saw them even remotely act in those ways towards my mother, either), so I have never been able to fully reconcile how my mother could come from what seemed to me to be a wonderfully loving, supportive background, and yet be so cruel and withholding with her own child. (The genetic/biological etiology of BPD would seem to have played a significant role in my mother's case, unless my grandparents did a complete 180-degree emotional turnaround at the time of my birth, which seems highly unlikely.)

Another thing that I still can feel some residual anger about (despite having worked the CoDA Steps several times, always in closed Step Study groups with peers, as I've never felt the need or desire for a program sponsor, due to my avoidant attachment and trust issues) is that my mother was at times capable of having compassion for others, just not for me. She once volunteered for a time at a school for troubled children, and would talk about how tragic their life and home situations often were (while remaining completely blind to the bitter irony that she was causing her own child the same agony that she was ostensibly so sad that they were being subjected to). While I can understand (on an intellectual level) that this was accomplished via the magic of denial, that ultimately hasn't proven helpful in regard to my being able to fully move past this, at least at this point in time.

And I am coming to accept that there may always be a certain degree of hurt and anger that gets reawakened in me when I am triggered; I have made significant progress in more fully grieving many of my childhood losses, and that grieving/healing process is clearly an ongoing one, but as Sunfl0wer wisely alluded to in an earlier post on this thread, the belief that we can ultimately achieve complete and utter freedom from the pain of the past is probably not a realistic one. In my daily life nowadays, for the vast majority of the time, I am not in a past-oriented mindset, or giving any thought to my childhood; but on the (thankfully rare) occasions when I do get triggered anymore, that is when I feel some of the familiar pain, which is often accompanied by a certain amount of anger (and sadness) about having to deal with this yet again.
 
But I am at least grateful for having both my 12-Step group and this forum in which I can process about these kinds of issues, and share my feelings, because it definitely helps to express myself, and also to know that I'm definitely not alone in still having to deal with old wounds from childhood.

[Notwendy]

Our BPD mothers are complex and have both positive and negative traits. My mother is often kinder to strangers or acquaintances than she is with me. BPD is a disorder of intimacy- and it affects the closest relationships the most.

I do understand having avoidance and trust characteristics. The idea of a sponsor was very scary to me, and I was terrified to meet her the first time. At times, the experience was uncomfortable as she turned the mirror on me over some of my issues. Meetings also help, but having a sponsor made a large difference for me.

I am glad that you find meetings and this board to be a comfortable place to share and process. This is an important part of dealing with past issues. I agree with Sunflower that there are likely to be issues to work on over a lifetime, and residual anger.

I know that trauma can halt us in time. What your mother did was unthinkably tragic. I can recall how I saw and related to my mother at age 22, and decades later, some parts of that have changed. She still has BPD and is difficult to deal with, but with a lot of work and understanding myself, she doesn't have the same affect on me. I would wish that somehow,you too could visualize your mother at an older age.

It is actually pitiful in ways, to see an elderly woman come to a stage in life where no family wants to spend time with her. This is a sad but real consequence of her abusive behaviors to us.  The struggle for me is to not let pity push me into co-dependency. My anger at her has mostly shifted to being more aware of how her mental illness affected her. My wish for you would be to also see your mother through this lens, if you can, again not for her but for you.

[Sunfl0wer]

I agree with Sunflower that there are likely to be issues to work on over a lifetime, and residual anger.

Just clarifying... .
I think that sometimes we may think "the right thing to do" is lots of "self work" cause we have feelings that are uncomfortable and we may chase this thing called self improvement in order to "get rid of," "resolve" or "do something" else with them to RESOLVE this conflict in us of wanting to ease our own discomfort.

I feel sometimes I have found peace with just "ALLOWING" things.  Allowing my feelings.  Accepting that they are a part of me and learning to make peace with the idea they exist and I can still be ok.

Sometimes things just are, and the chase of "fixing" may be an illusion that can distract us from simple accepting ourself.

[MzAnneThrope]

Thanks yet again for sharing your insightful perspective on allowing/accepting feelings, Sunfl0wer; I very much appreciate and resonate with what you've said, as I think it speaks directly to the heart of what originally prompted me to post here on the forum in the first place.

I've come to realize that a substantial portion of the value of more closely examining and exploring both my thoughts and feelings (about my mother, other family members, my childhood trauma/abuse issues, and also about my present-day recovery process) on this thread has been to clarify for myself what the main issues actually are, and how to best respond to them.

When I wrote my initial post, I had recently been triggered into painful feelings of anxiety and overwhelm by what I by then had recognized as an inaccurately perceived emotional disconnection from a dear friend to whom I've allowed myself to grow emotionally closer than to anyone else in my life (with the exception of my beloved maternal grandparents).

After actually experiencing my feelings of deep grief and allowing myself to cry (yet again) about the pain of my original emotional and physical abandonment, over the next few days, I began to become aware of a parallel grief process that I was also in regarding my recovery process.

While I had previously often paid a certain amount of lip service to the idea that recovery is a lifelong process, since I simply hadn't been significantly triggered regarding abandonment in quite some time, I had on some subconscious level apparently begun to mistakenly believe that all of the decades of personal growth work that I had done had fully healed that particular point of emotional vulnerability. (Which I am still feeling some residual grief about, although this is also abating, particularly since it occurred to me that my abandonment issue had only been triggered as a result of my having chosen to open my heart to a deep emotional connection with my friend in the first place (which for someone with my level of dismissive/avoidant attachment is quite an achievement).) And the reparative experience that I was subsequently able to have after taking the further risk of potential rejection/abandonment by openly sharing my issues and feelings with my very sympathetic and supportive friend was literally priceless.

So I definitely think that continuing to practice mindful awareness of my internal experience, while allowing myself to fully accept and allow all of my feelings, is the correct course of action for me. Thanks again for your supportive input!
   

[Notwendy]

I've also had the experience of going quite a while without being triggered and then being triggered by an event in the presence. I agree that being mindful- asking where are these feelings coming from is helpful.

The loss of a friendship is difficult, and can bring up the losses we felt as children.

I recall an incident where a woman yelled at me in a parking lot. I think many people would have shrugged it off as some irritable person with road rage. For some reason- being yelled at by this woman- shook me up. For about 20 minutes I could hardly think straight, I misplaced my keys, and panicked ( I was parked and not moving, so it was safe to sit there). After I calmed down, I realized that my reaction was out of proportion to the situation- some irritable woman looking for a parking spot- it has nothing to do with me. But something about her may have triggered an emotional reaction from my childhood.

I think the benefit of the emotional work, and mindfulness, is that I did recognize it and was able to self talk- and self soothe- quickly, and then let the experience go. The loss of a friendship is much harder than this. I think you do have to grieve, but hopefully be able to stay more in the present.

[Notwendy]

One interesting aspect of my personality is that I have a few close female friends. I have a few close friends from childhood who I keep in touch with, and while some of them are women, at least half of them are male.

Being married, I don't cultivate friendships with men- it wouldn't be appropriate. The guy friends from childhood are platonic. They are married now, and treat me like a sister- and I know their wives and children. Because of distance, and the fact that we are all married, we don't really socialize. However, as a kid, these guys were my best buddies.

Many of my female acquaintances have very close friendships with other women, are in women groups and go out with the girls- in tight groups. Although they are friendly to me, I have not gravitated to these groups.

I do wonder if the strained relationship with my mother and attachment to my father influenced my comfort level with friendships with women and men. I think I was more comfortable as a child and teen with guys as buddies, but adulthood/marriage/social constructs would make this not appropriate now.

[MzAnneThrope]

Hello again, just wanted to provide an update/postscript, and also to express my gratitude to those of you who responded for taking the time to share your own personal experiences and perspectives with me. I found sharing some of my history and expressing my thoughts and feelings here in written form to be very therapeutic in and of itself, and the input that I received was of further value in helping me to view my experiences from different angles, all of which doubtless contributed to a tremendously significant breakthrough that I was able to have last weekend regarding my feelings about my late mother.

Taking Sunfl0wer's sage advice to heart (regarding simply accepting and allowing my feelings to be what they were) was a crucial step for me in this healing process, because I realized that I had on some level been subtly subconsciously judging myself for still having feelings of anger and resentment towards my mother. That lack of acceptance of where I was in the process had apparently been keeping me quite stuck, because once I finally let go of my resistance to fully accepting and honoring my feelings (and released the underlying belief that I "should" have been feeling differently than I was), things shifted amazingly rapidly.

The final breakthrough emerged from an awareness that I received after yet another painful misperception of abandonment/rejection by someone close to me, and the compassion that this pain was ultimately able to evoke within me for my mother.

As I'd shared earlier, despite my father's clearly abusive behaviors and evident misogyny, I had ultimately been able to forgive him because I could on some level understand and relate to him (we'd both come from abusive families with uBPD mothers, and had ended up with C-PTSD and a lot of unhealed rage as a result).

But my mother's more subtle (although ultimately more damaging) calculated cruelty and cold vindictiveness towards me as an innocent child was something that I just could never comprehend (or forgive) - until last Saturday, when I briefly felt a strong impulse to resort to this type of punitive, manipulative behavior myself, and for much the same reason that I imagine she did: a perceived abandonment/rejection, by someone who had had been unhealthily viewed as an emotional rescuer.

In her case, the recipient of that unconscious projection of the 'Emotional Savior' archetype had initially been my father, and when he proved unwilling (not to mention far too emotionally unsafe and unstable) to support the impossible weight of that, it had shifted to me, her newborn daughter. No wonder she admittedly so deeply resented any neediness on my part, even in my infancy; she was desperately looking for me to provide her with the emotional support that she internally lacked, not the other way around. And any attempt on my part to separate/individuate from her was perceived by her as a cruel disloyalty and a heartless rejection, and met with punitive withholding of all affection, driven by infantile rage/terror at the thought of being abandoned.

And in my case, after five decades of operating from an avoidantly/dismissively attached relational stance in which I hadn't truly trusted anyone (other than my maternal grandparents) to reliably be there for me emotionally, my recent experience with attempting to shift into a healthier earned-secure relational stance with my friend led to my own unconscious projection of an Emotional Rescuer archetype onto him, which triggered my abandonment terror (and subsequent infantile rage and fleeting desire to emotionally devastate/severely punish him) when he proved equally incapable of meeting my own unrealistic desire for an external savior figure.

In addition to the incredible amount of emotional relief that these recent awarenesses led to for me, the accompanying deep empathic recognition of the level of excruciating psychological turmoil, fear and pain that my mother must have lived with continuously for her entire life was also very heart-opening for me. I now feel more fortunate than ever to have been equipped with the psychological resiliency that my mother sadly lacked due to her disorder, and I also feel extremely grateful for having been able to come to a place of deeper healing and forgiveness as a result of being willing to work with and accept all of my feelings, and being willing to be deeply honest with myself about what being triggered evoked in me (while maintaining a compassionate love and acceptance for myself, which is the fruit of many years of hard work to develop an unconditionally loving relationship with myself).

I'm grateful for my recovery, and for the role that those of you on this forum played in helping me on my ongoing healing journey. Thanks again.