60 days since the break-up and counting...

[petedrexler]

Hello Everyone!

I'm so relieved to find this forum. My ex-girlfriend has BPD, and the last year of my life has been horrible. I didn't even know what BPD was when I met her, and I was already hooked by the time I figured out what was going on. I broke up with her probably a dozen times in the year we dated, but I couldn't stay out. This time I moved across the country to end the relationship, and I'm so glad I did. My life has gotten immeasurably better in two months, and I feel the old me returning.

All that said, I still miss her! I see all the damage, and I yearn for her. I get it at an intellectual level that this is the right thing, and I am better without her. But I miss her every day, and if I could go over to her house right now, I would! I'm so glad I moved because it is the only way I could do this.

Every day gets better but I know I'm in for a long recovery. It's so nice to find resources like this because it lets me know I'm not alone. I still can't believe all that happened in that year--I've never fought with someone so much. I've never had the things done to me that were done, and I've never done such things to someone else. It was a disaster.

I'm following strict NC--I've got her blocked on everything--and I'm on strict orders to delete anything that gets through without reading it. It's so difficult to accept the BPD and that she couldn't love me. Sure felt like it.

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I'm glad to be here.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi petedrexler-

And welcome to

This time I moved across the country to end the relationship, and I'm so glad I did. My life has gotten immeasurably better in two months, and I feel the old me returning.

Wow!  That's pretty intense and shows a level of commitment to detaching from her!  Good for you for taking that step, and now time to deal with the inner work yes?

All that said, I still miss her! I see all the damage, and I yearn for her. I get it at an intellectual level that this is the right thing, and I am better without her. But I miss her every day, and if I could go over to her house right now, I would! I'm so glad I moved because it is the only way I could do this.

Yes, it's common once these relationships end to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts, the result of having a loaded emotional bond between you, among other things.  Best to listen to your head for now and do what you know is right, which sounds like you are, and eventually, as you detach, your heart will realign with your head.

Detachment is a process, best to make it a project, and there's plenty of information on this site and plenty of folks going through the same thing; we understand.  So what's going on emotionally with you right now?

[petedrexler]

  

So what's going on emotionally with you right now?

Thanks for writing, fromheeltoheal! My emotional state depends on the day. It seems that when I wake up I feel pretty good, but by the end of the day, I'm a bit depressed. Certain things trigger the yearning, but that has gotten better.

I guess the most difficult part of this is that I want to make sense of what happened, and I'm learning that this is impossible. She has BPD, and it is not her fault. That said, she has BPD. This means she couldn't love me or participate in the relationship the way I thought she could. That really hurts! And I also know that she's moved on (I don't know for sure, but her patterns suggest this). The other thing I find really difficult is letting go of my fantasy that maybe one day we could get back together, that if I could convince her that she has BPD, and she were to seek treatment, that it could work. I will never be emotionally safe with her, and this breaks my heart.

I feel like I'll never be the same again. This relationship beat me up real bad, and I'm trying to look at my own patterns--how is it that I got into this relationship? What am I doing?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey pete-

I guess the most difficult part of this is that I want to make sense of what happened, and I'm learning that this is impossible. She has BPD, and it is not her fault. That said, she has BPD. This means she couldn't love me or participate in the relationship the way I thought she could. That really hurts!

You actually can make sense of her behavior if you learn a little about the clinical side of the disorder; that helped me a lot, her behaviors were still completely unacceptable, but at least I understood why she does what she does, and the elimination of the confusion helped a lot.

The other thing I find really difficult is letting go of my fantasy that maybe one day we could get back together, that if I could convince her that she has BPD, and she were to seek treatment, that it could work. I will never be emotionally safe with her, and this breaks my heart.

Yes, it is a letting go, and most of us has wished that, that somehow we can "fix" it, and the real person will match the fantasy version in our heads, and that desire kept many of us around far longer than we should have stayed, something to look at as we detach.

I feel like I'll never be the same again. This relationship beat me up real bad, and I'm trying to look at my own patterns--how is it that I got into this relationship? What am I doing?

You won't ever be the same again, you'll be smarter, wiser and more experienced than you were before you met her, and more self-aware, or else you won't heal and grow at all and will repeat the pattern with someone else, getting a little more beat up each time.  You sound like you're choosing the former, good for you, and the introspective questions you're asking, along with the motivation fuel of the emotional pain, will take you to a future you're ecstatic about, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[petedrexler]

Thank you so much heeltoheal! I feel heard, which is meaningful. It's so difficult to be going through this and not really feeling like most people around me get it.

I know I need to work on me, and I'll "make it a project" as you wrote. The emotional pain is forcing me to look at myself, and for this, I'm grateful.

[heartandwhole]

Hi petedrexler,

I'd like to join    fromheeltoheal in welcoming you to the forum. I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup, I know how painful it is to lose someone you love. I was hurting really badly after my breakup with pwBPD.

You've found a great place for support as you work through the detachment process. The site has tons of tools and resources to help. Things really do get better; they have for me, and they will for you, too. 

It's only been two months out, and you sound in a good place for such a short time! Being willing to look at your own patterns will take you far in your recovery, and help you have even better relationships with all the people in your life, not just romantic partners.

How long were you together with your girlfriend? Are you in therapy, because you mentioned "strict orders"? I found therapy really helpful after my breakup. Also, one of the articles that helped me tremendously while I was trying to understand what the heck just happened to me is here:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you get a chance to read it, I'd love to know what you think.

Keep writing, petedrexler, and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

[petedrexler]

Hi heartandwhole!

I appreciate your message. I read the article, and boy did it help! It really gets at all the complexities surrounding my experience. Reading, for example, that there simply is no closure from a failed BPD relationship helps me work toward my own closure. The article also confirms my decision to leave the relationship for good (because I continued to feel like if I changed this or that the relationship might work). I will read the article again and again.

I am in therapy to answer your question, and so I have good support that way. I also have a close friend who is married to someone with BPD (he is the one who first pointed me to it) and he has been very supportive.

My girlfriend and I were together a year (we broke up at least ten times during that year), and so I've been surprised how difficult it has been to get away from her (another thing the article helps with). I've had much longer relationships (years and years) that were less difficult to end than this one.

Again, thanks for reaching out, and thank you for the article.

pete

[Pretty Woman]

Pete, you sound like you are doing very good   I will echo the sentiments of the other posters here. The bond with a person with BPD is a loaded one. You stayed in a toxic stew for a year... .and look at you! You survived. I am also impressed by your level of commitment to NC and moving yourself from a situation you knew you would be tempted to revisit.

Keep processing your feelings. I know what you mean. My ex treated me horribly. I wouldn't except that behavior from a stranger, yet I did from a loved one.

Go figure. Now is the time to find YOU. Get to the root of why you returned 10x in a year to this toxic relationship. You are doing all the right things. Keep posting and keep on learning about yourself.

[earlgrey]

Hi Pete and welcome. I understand you.

I like your clear writing and thoughts... .

  This means she couldn't love me or participate in the relationship the way I thought she could. That really hurts!

I completely understand this, and I expect many others do too.

It seems so simple, fundamental, even obvious. But do you think I could ever explain it to my wife?

Thank you. It reassures me.

[drained1996]

 
Welcome Pete, I'll say it seems you have a great handle on the situation, and as you can see... .there is plenty of support here from people who understand.  You've been given some great advice already, I'll just add that I found it very helpful to read the stories of others.  You will find many situations that could mirror your own I'm sure.  Keep on your path of working on YOU!  It sounds like your healing has begun!   

[petedrexler]

Thank you, Prettywoman, earlgrey, and drained1996! This has helped so much to find a community of people who get it. I'm looking forward to learning more about what I'm going through by reading the experiences of others. Thanks again!

[Pretty Woman]

Keep on keeping on, Good Man. You are doing great! I know there are bad days... .we are all human, but know posting here not only helps you vent safely but also helps so many others going through the same thing.

Thanks for your posts!